Earthling Ambassador

by Liane Moriarty

  "Yes, I suppose it's only courteous I let your world leaders know things aren't going so well," said Georgio, absentmindedly tapping the dashboard as they glided back down the hill away from the Rainbow Palace. "Perhaps they'll come up with another idea, but they're a funny lot. Some of them want to declare war on Globagaskar, which is pretty silly, as they don't even know where we are. Some of them want to build a gigantic umbrella over Earth to protect it from the garbage, but they've no idea how to build such a thing. A few of them still think it's all an elaborate hoax and doubt the princess even exists.They can't agree on what to do. Last I heard, the argument had got so heated, they were threatening to declare an all-out world war!"

  "Oh," said Nicola. So much for hoping the grown-ups could work things out.

  "Don't worry," Georgio said, sounding worried to death. "We'll work something out.Watch out, BOOFHEAD!"Their aero-car zoomed straight into the side of an aero-truck and bounced off, causing a big burly truck driver to shake his head disapprovingly.

  They arrived back home just as Shimlara was getting off her school aero-bus. Georgio dropped Nicola off and headed back to the university. He said he was going to ask all his intergalactic history and culture students to write essays on how to save Earth. "Who knows?" he said. "They might come up with something, and at least it will keep them busy."

  "Mmmm," said Shimlara sympathetically when she saw Nicola. "I think by the look on your face, you probably did as well as on your mission as I did on my galactic geography test."

  "Oh, Shimlara!" said Mully, coming out of the front door. "You didn't fail, did you?" She paused and gave Nicola an apologetic glance. "Of course, I don't mean you failed, Nicola."

  "Really sensitive, Mom!" said Shimlara.

  "I did fail," said Nicola sadly. "I failed completely."

  And then she made the mistake of looking at her countdown watch. It still said:

  Only 2 days left--remember, FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!

  Nicola was starting to really dislike her countdown watch.

  "Let's have a swim," Shimlara suggested. "That always makes me feel better."

  Nicola was much too short to fit into any of Shimlara's current bathing suits, so she had to borrow one from when Shimlara was about four years old.

  "I hope you don't feel embarrassed wearing this," Mully said, holding up the suit, which had dozens of smiling teddy bears all over it. Nicola couldn't care less what she wore, she felt so sad and dispirited.

  But she started to feel a little better once she and Shimlara were swimming together in pink, fizzy water that smelled much nicer than the chlorinated water in swimming pools on Earth.

  Shimlara showed Nicola how to pull a little cord on her teddy-bear bathing suit, so it filled with air and she could float on top of the water as easily as if she were lying on top of a bed. It must be just like swimming in the Dead Sea, thought Nicola as she stretched out comfortably.

  But what about all those people floating happily on top of the Dead Sea when the garbage started to fall? The garbage would never sink! "That Nicola Berry even ruined the Dead Sea," people would say to one another.

  "So, did the princess just ignore everything you had to say?" Shimlara lay flat on her back, her hands behind her head.

  "She liked it when I talked about tea bags landing on our faces," said Nicola. "She thought that was pretty funny. Actually, I think maybe she's just bored with life."

  "Bored?" snorted Shimlara. "If I was a rich princess in charge of a whole planet, I would so not be bored!"

  "She seemed almost interested when I told her about oceans, but then she got bored again. She's a horrible person."

  "What are oceans?" asked Shimlara.

  Nicola explained, and Shimlara rolled over onto her stomach and looked enthralled. "I'd love to swim in an ocean! When we go on vacation to Earth for Mom and Dad's wedding anniversary, I'll make sure they take me to an ocean. Oh--that's right ..." Her voice trailed off.

  "Yep, no more vacations to Earth," said Nicola. "Unless you want to spend your vacation in a disgusting garbage can!"

  But something Shimlara had said got her thinking.

  With a splash, she sat upright on the water.

  "Shimlara," she said, "I've got an idea, and I think I'll need your help."

  "Great!"

  "But it's illegal, probably dangerous, and we definitely can't tell your dad."

  CHAPTER 16

  "Are you sure you can't share your idea with us?" asked Georgio. "Or at least give us the teeniest hint?"

  It was later that day and Nicola, Shimlara, Mully, and Georgio were all sitting around the kitchen table, drinking blueberry tea from gigantic china cups. (Nicola had to use both hands just to lift hers.) Squid was kicking a ball around the house and falling over each time his foot didn't connect.

  "I can't tell you anything," said Nicola firmly.

  She knew that if she told Georgio her idea, he would immediately forbid her to try anything so dangerous.

  Georgio looked at her suspiciously and twirled the ends of his mustache.

  Shimlara had taught Nicola that if you knew somebody was likely to try and read your mind, you could block them by reciting multiplication tables in your head.

  Five sixes are thirty, thought Nicola carefully. Six sixes are ... um, six sixes are ... erm, thirty-six?

  "Aha! You're blocking me!" Georgio pointed a finger at her. "I see Shimlara has been teaching you a thing or two. And yes, by the way, six sixes are thirty-six--goodness me, have they stopped teaching math on Earth, too?"

  "You really must stop trying to read her mind, Georgio," said Mully.

  "Oh well, it's no time to be worrying about etiquette," said Georgio gloomily. "The fate of a planet is at stake and I have no idea whether Nicola's idea is sensible or silly!"

  "I'm going to be there to make sure Nicola doesn't do anything silly," said Shimlara.

  "Oh PHEW!" Georgio wiped his hand dramatically across his forehead. "My very sensible daughter will be involved. GOSH.That's such a RELIEF!"

  "I hate it when you're sarcastic like that, Dad," said Shimlara. "Just because I got lost that time when I went cloud-surfing ..."

  "Did the Save the Little Earthlings Committee come up with any good ideas?" asked Nicola, to change the subject. She didn't like it when her dad was sarcastic, either.

  "Well, we think it might be worth trying to reach the king and queen on their vacation again," answered Georgio. "They would put a stop to this nonsense immediately! Unfortunately, they're doing a three-month underground trek on the Planet of Doom and it's impossible to contact anyone on Doom, especially when they're underground.We're also trying to lobby other planets in preparation for the worst-case scenario. If Earth actually is destroyed, we'll need to find somewhere for you all to live. So far they've all said ..." Georgio lifted his hands in a hopeless gesture.

  "Yes?" prompted Nicola.

  "No," answered Georgio sadly. "They've all said absolutely not. Not enough space, Earthlings are too short and annoying, Earthlings would take all the jobs, that sort of thing."

  "Well those sound like great plans, Dad," said Shimlara.

  "Oooh, I hate it when you're sarcastic like that, Shimlara," Georgio put on a silly voice.

  "Oh stop it, both of you!" said Mully. "You're as bad as each other.Well, Georgio, to be honest, I think we just have to do what Nicola wishes. After all, we're not Earthlings and she is here representing her planet."

  Georgio sighed gustily. "Fine. I guess you're right.You are the Earthling Ambassador, Nicola, and we must respect that. Don't bother trying to block me, I'm not going to read your mind again. It's too painful listening to you trying to do your tables! Tell me, can I help you in any way with putting this idea of yours into practice? I'm at your service."

  Nicola's heart raced. Nobody was going to stop her. She was going to be allowed to put this most audacious plan into practice.

  She assumed her most confident voice. "Yes, please. I actually do need y
our help with one thing, Georgio," she said. "I need you to go back to Earth and pick up a few people for me."

  CHAPTER 17

  "I need to get a team of people together," explained Nicola.

  "A squadron!" interjected Shimlara. "A squadron ready for battle!"

  "Oh goodness," said Mully faintly. "I need chocolate to hear this." She gave the Telepathy Chef a desperate look and pressed the button, and an oversize bar of chocolate popped straight out. Mully took an enormous bite and gestured for Nicola to begin.

  "We'll be called the Earthling Squadron--except that's no good, because Shimlara's not an Earthling. Okay, we'll be the Space Squad. No, no, we'll be the Space Brigade! That sounds better."

  Space Brigade. Just saying the words made Nicola feel resourceful and capable.

  Georgio blinked rapidly. "Okay, okay, I see your strategy. Many hands make light work, as they say. Of course, they also say too many cooks spoil the broth, but you're not making broth, are you? That is, I assume you're not . . . So how many Earthlings do you need me to pick up for this Space Brigade of yours? One hundred? Two hundred? A few squillion?"

  "Oh, no, just three." Nicola handed him a slip of paper with the three names written on it:

  Tyler Brown

  Katie Hobbs

  Sean Berry

  "Rightio," said Georgio. He lowered his chin and started talking into his top button, just like he had back on Earth when he first chose Nicola as Earthling Ambassador.

  "His top button is a Voice-Operated Miniature Phone," whispered Shimlara, who knew by now that Nicola didn't always understand the technology on Globagaskar. Although sometimes Shimlara went a bit far with her explanations.That morning at breakfast she'd explained to Nicola that glasses were used to hold water. "Actually, we do have glasses on Earth," Nicola had said.

  "Hello, Plum!" cried Georgio. "Can you hear me? It sounds very noisy there. It's me, Georgio! I need you to fly me to Earth for a quick Earthling pickup. Can you get here fairly soon? Like, right now? Oh, it's your birthday today? You're in the middle of your birthday party? Well, many happy returns! So, how quickly can you get here?"

  "Georgio!" hissed Mully.

  Georgio gave Mully a baffled look and said into his button, "Wonderful! The spaceship is still parked at the community hall. I'll meet you there."

  He rubbed his hands together purposefully and said, "Plum is on her way. She didn't sound very gracious about it, I must say, but spaceship pilots can be a grumpy lot! I'll be back in a jiffy."

  He strode off, wrapping a giant scarf around his neck.

  Nicola imagined how Sean,Tyler, and Katie would react when Georgio turned up in their classrooms. Sean and Tyler would be crazy with excitement. Katie would be nervous--but Nicola knew she needed her for the Space Brigade. She had a feeling that Katie's marshmallow-soft heart might be useful.

  Five minutes later, Georgio leaped through the door and Nicola waited to hear what he'd forgotten--the keys to the spaceship, perhaps?

  "I'm back!" he said. "Got them all, no problem!"

  Nicola's jaw dropped.

  "Plum must have convinced Georgio to let her fly at Time-Squeeze speed," said Mully. "Georgio probably spent a few hours collecting everyone on Earth, but Time-Squeeze compressed that time into just a minute. It uses a lot of rocket fuel so we can't do it too often, but poor Plum probably wanted to get back to her party."

  "Nicola, I present your Space Brigade!" said Georgio. He flung an arm sideways.

  Sean strolled into the room, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, a backpack slung casually over one shoulder. "Awesome!" he said, looking around him. "So you need my help, eh, Nic? Knew you would."

  Tyler followed him, carrying a suitcase and adjusting his spectacles. "Hi, Nicola. I just want you to know this is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life."

  Katie was behind Tyler, lugging two overnight bags, one of which was Nicola's. She must have gone over to Nicola's place to get it. It was typical of Katie to remember that Nicola hadn't been given the chance to pack her own bag.

  Katie's eyes were like saucers as she dropped the bags with a thud. "Is this really another planet?"

  And then a very unexpected person elbowed Katie out of the way and marched into the room.

  Nicola spoke through gritted teeth. "What are you doing here?"

  CHAPTER 18

  It was Greta Gretch.

  Nicola couldn't believe it. Her Very Worst Enemy was here. It was preposterous. It made her want to shudder. "I never asked you to bring her!" she said to Georgio. She knew she sounded rude, but she couldn't help it.

  Georgio frowned at Greta. "But I don't think I did bring her!"

  "Greetings, aliens! My name is Greta Gretch." Greta lifted her nose proudly. She was wearing her Honeyville school uniform and carrying her school backpack. "I stowed away on the spaceship. I knew that I should have been the one picked for the mission, so I had to take the initiative. Obviously, you've failed, Nicola.That's why you had to send for your friends and your brother to help. So why don't you just admit that you don't have what it takes, step aside, and let me get on with the job?"

  "What a horrendous little worm," sighed Georgio.

  "There's a girl at my school just like her," Shimlara said sympathetically to Nicola.

  "Ah, sir."Tyler practically saluted Georgio. "Do you think you could just take her straight back to Earth?"

  "Well, ordinarily I could," said Georgio, "but Plum made me sign a contract promising not to disturb her again on her birthday. So we'll have to wait until tomorrow. I wonder where we can put her in the meantime?"

  Sean was getting bored with all this talk.

  "So, Nic, who do you want me to kill?" he asked. "Just point me in the right direction. I knew they should never have sent a girl to do the job of a warrior!"

  "Now that's ENOUGH!" Everybody turned in surprise to look up at a red-faced Mully, her hands on her hips. "I'm not at all happy with this disrespect being shown to Nicola. She was chosen for this VERY DIFFICULT mission because she's the best person on your planet to do it. She has done an excellent job so far and now she's decided that she needs some help. She is the LEADER of this Space Brigade and you need to follow her instructions. If you can't do that, then you don't belong here and you can sit in my three-year-old son's time-out corner until it's all over!"

  "Way to go, Mom!" said Shimlara.

  "Yes, I was just about to say something along very similar lines myself," said Georgio.

  "Tell me what you'd like me to do, Nicola." Tyler stood up straight and looked at Nicola so respectfully that she had to swallow a giggle. "I'm ready for action."

  "I'm ready for, ah, action, too, Nicola." Katie looked terrified.

  Everyone looked at Sean.

  "Ummm." He shuffled his feet. Nicola knew this would be agony for him. "Yeah, okay, ummm, Nic's the boss. Whatever you think, Nic."

  "Now, Nicola," said Mully. "What would you like to do about Greta? Do you want her on the Space Brigade or not? If not, she can just wait here with Georgio and me until Plum is ready to take her back to Earth."

  Greta raised her chin and didn't say anything, but Nicola noticed she was biting her bottom lip hard and her knees were shaking. She obviously wanted to be on the Brigade very badly. It made Nicola feel slightly sick to have that much power to make somebody happy or sad. Should she give her a chance? After all, Greta did have some pretty good ideas sometimes, even though she was generally pretty despicable.

  Give the despicable worm a chance. She might surprise you.

  It was Georgio's voice, but he hadn't spoken out loud. In fact, he was looking up at the ceiling and whistling a tune, as if all this had nothing to do with him.

  Sorry! Just temporarily talking inside your head for reasons of privacy! Won't happen again! So, what are you going to do?

  Extraordinary! Not only could Globagaskarians read your mind, they could talk inside your head as well! Although, presumably, that was bad manners, too.r />
  Yes, yes, very rude of me! Are you going to get on with it?

  Nicola shook her head distractedly and took a deep breath.

  "Greta," she said. "I'm happy to have you on the team, but I've got some conditions."

  "Okay," Greta looked wary.

  "You have to do what I say--even if you disagree with it."

  "Can I tell you if I disagree with it?" asked Greta.

  "You can tell me, but if I say you've still got to do it, then you've got to do it," said Nicola, wondering if she was making a terrible mistake.

  "Okay."

  "The second condition is that if I decide you're off the team, then you're off it, NO ARGUMENTS.You'll have to go straight back to Earth."

  "Hmmmph." Greta's mouth twisted. She tapped her foot and lifted her eyes to the ceiling.

  Finally she spoke. "I accept your conditions, Nicola," she said grandly, as if she were doing Nicola a great favor.

  "Fine," sighed Nicola. "You're in the Brigade."

  "Thank you." Greta smiled, and for a moment she almost looked like a nice person.Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.

  Better start acting like the boss.What's your first move going to be?

  "Would you please stop talking in my head!" said Nicola, exasperated.

  "Huh? What? Are you talking to me, Nicola?" Georgio gave her a confused, innocent look.

  "I would like to call an immediate meeting of all members of the Space Brigade." Nicola tried to sound firm and fair, but not too bossy. She wanted to be a calm, decisive leader.

  "Right," said Tyler. "Let's go."

  "Where will the meeting be?" asked Katie.

  "Ummm." Nicola looked around helplessly. It wasn't like she was in her own house.

  "It will be in my bedroom," said Shimlara. "If that's okay with you, Nicola?"

  "Yes," said Nicola sternly. "That will be fine."

  "Follow me," said Shimlara. "And Mom and Dad, make sure you don't interrupt us!"

  Mully and Georgio both held up their hands as if it were the last thing on their minds.

  As they all trooped down the hallway and into Shimlara's bedroom, Squid worked out that something was going on that didn't involve him.

  "I COMING,TOO!" He threw his arms around Shimlara's legs as she tried to close the door on him.