Earthling Ambassador

by Liane Moriarty

  With quivering legs she walked clumsily down the spaceship stairway, tightly holding her freeze-grenade.

  "Quick!" she shouted to the others as they followed her down the steps. "We need to be close enough to throw our grenades, but not so close they can come after us. Luckily it doesn't look like they move very fast."

  "What if I don't throw it straight?" Katie held her grenade cupped in both hands as if it might explode at any second. "You know how hopeless I am at softball."

  "You'll be fine." Nicola tried not to think about Katie's habit of letting the softball slip straight through her fingers. The nasty girls called her Butterfingers.

  "Just concentrate on what you're doing for once, Butterfingers," said Greta.

  "Ignore her," said Nicola to Katie. "You can do it. Come on! Split up, everybody!"

  Mud flew, splattering everybody's clothes and faces as they tried to run, slipping and sliding and clutching their grenades.

  "Stick to the sides. It's drier!" advised Tyler.

  With their longer legs, Shimlara and the princess led the way. Greta and Tyler followed Shimlara to the left, while Katie and Nicola followed the princess, who had shot off like a bullet from a gun, to the right.

  Was the princess trying to escape? Everything was happening so quickly, Nicola didn't even know where to direct her attention first.

  "Take that!" she heard Shimlara shout.

  Without stopping, Nicola looked back over her shoulder to see Shimlara throw her freeze-grenade from the far-lefthand side of the crater. It soared high in the yellow sky, hit the mud, and exploded with a billowing cloud of purple smoke.

  The smoke cleared to reveal a group of Arth-Creatures blinking and turning their massive heads this way and that. Their lip-smacking sounds became a low, spine-chilling growl. No longer were they out to dine on a leisurely lunch. Now they were really, really mad. The freeze-grenades didn't seem to be working.

  Shimlara slowly, cautiously tried to back away up the side of the crater. Her sling was muddy. She held her good hand out, like a policeman saying "stop." Nicola skidded to a halt. Now what? Were the freeze-grenades broken? Had she misunderstood Mully's instructions? We're all going to die, she thought.

  Suddenly she remembered Mully saying, "I've set them aside especially for use against the palace guards."

  With trembling hands, Nicola turned over the grenade and noticed a small control panel on the back with instructions in small red letters. It said:

  THIS FREEZE-GRENADE CURRENTLY SET

  FOR ONE (1) USE AGAINST:

  Bossy, bad-tempered types, e.g. palace guards, large policemen, etc.

  Furious family members, e.g. brothers, sisters, fathers--WARNING:WILL NOT FREEZE MOTHERS

  Dangerous Earth animals, e.g. tigers, lions, hippos, spiders, etc.

  Hungry Arth-Creatures

  Miscellaneous

  There was a movable arrow on the side pointing at "Bossy bad-tempered types." Quickly, Nicola slid it down to "Hungry Arth-Creatures." She looked up to see who was the closest person to help Shimlara. It was Tyler, lurching gamely along, his arms flailing. His glasses were caked with mud. He was probably half blind.

  "Tyler!" she yelled. "You need to change your grenade setting to Arth-Creatures! There's a control panel on the back!"

  Luckily Tyler was good with anything mechanical.

  The Arth-Creatures Shimlara had tried to freeze were pawing the ground like angry bulls. Suddenly they charged straight for her. Shimlara screamed.

  "Now!" shouted Nicola.

  Like a good soldier,Tyler obeyed instantly. He threw his grenade at the front of the pack charging at Shimlara. It hit one of the Arth-Creatures in the back of the head and exploded.

  The smoke cleared and Nicola watched with a pounding heart.

  YES! This time it had worked. About ten Arth-Creatures were frozen, their claws up, their huge mouths agape, as if someone had pressed a pause button.

  "Awesome!" shouted Sean from the middle of the crater.

  The Arth-Creatures who had been charging behind crashed into the frozen ones and tumbled to the ground. They nosed and pawed at their frozen friends before climbing to their feet, stomping the ground, and fixing furious eyes on Tyler.

  "Everybody change the settings on your grenades!" called out Nicola.

  "Run,Tyler!" cried Shimlara.

  Tyler smeared his fingers across his muddy glasses and staggered one way and then the other, like he was balancing on a seesaw.

  "They're going to get him!" screamed Katie. Nicola squinted, trying to see through the smoke. Greta was in the best position to help Tyler.

  "Greta, grenade, now!"

  "Calm down, I've got it all under control!" Greta fiddled with the setting on the back of her grenade. Suddenly it slipped straight through her muddy fingers and exploded directly in front of her. Greta froze on the spot, with her fingers outstretched and her face a mask of frantic horror at her mistake. Obviously she hadn't managed to change the setting from "Bossy, bad-tempered types."

  Three Arth-Creatures were now just the length of a supermarket aisle away from Tyler.

  "Ohhhhhh noooooo!"Tyler sounded demented with fear. He was on his hands and knees trying to scramble up the side of the crater, creating an avalanche of rocks and pebbles.

  "Kat-ie!" shrieked Nicola. She was the only one close enough to have a hope of throwing a grenade.

  Katie had already adjusted her grenade. Now she lifted it high above her head as if she were shooting a basketball. Nicola's breath came out in half sobs, half gasps. Please don't drop it, please don't drop it, please don't drop it.

  The grenade shot cleanly and sharply across the air and landed right in the middle of the three Arth-Creatures, freezing them instantly.

  "Oh, fantastic aim, Katie!" Nicola felt so weak with relief she nearly dropped her own grenade. She took a firm grip and looked around her. Frozen Arth-Creatures were dotted across the landscape like stuffed prehistoric animals in a museum. She thought she could only count about three unfrozen Arth-Creatures left, although it was difficult to be sure, because they were standing still, too. Only their umbrella-shaped heads were sweeping back and forth as they took stock of the situation.

  Sean was using the cover of the frozen Arth-Creatures to slosh his way stealthily through the mud away from the center of the crater.Tyler was climbing unsteadily to his feet, while Katie had slumped over, her elbows resting on her knees, her hands covering her face. Shimlara was running back toward them around the rim of the crater. Greta, of course, wasn't moving. She looked like a shop mannequin.

  But Petronella was nowhere in sight. Nicola hadn't seen her since they disembarked from the spaceship.Was the princess fleeing? Where would she go?

  Three creatures.Two grenades. Nicola had one.The princess, who Nicola couldn't find or trust, had the other. They had less than ten minutes before the frozen Arth-Creatures would start to thaw. If they weren't safely in the spaceship by then, none of them would make it off this terrible planet alive.

  Nicola watched the remaining creatures carefully, her mind racing. Should they all make a run for the spaceship now? How would they carry Greta? Should she try to throw her grenade and get them all? The distance between them was about the width of Nicola's school yard. She'd never be able to throw it that far.

  I don't know what to do, she thought. For a moment her mind seemed to shut down completely.Then she had a realization. I need to get all the unarmed people together in one spot.

  "Everyone run to Greta!" yelled Nicola. "Now!"

  Nicola and Tyler got to Greta first. Nicola touched Greta's shoulder and found it was ice cold. She looked over to Sean. He was making good progress, sort of vaulting through the mud, as if he were leaping over hurdles, but then he slipped and fell. Shimlara ran out and dragged him to his feet with her good arm, and they stumbled together to join Greta, Nicola, and Tyler.

  None of the Arth-Creatures seemed to be following them. Had they given up?

 
"Nicola!" yelled Tyler, pointing over her shoulder. Nicola swung around and saw an Arth-Creature looming directly over Katie.With a casual swipe of its paw, it knocked her to the ground, lowered its head, and opened its mouth wide.

  There was no time even to think, I'd better throw it and I'd better not miss. Nicola flung her arm back, aimed, and threw the grenade.

  It exploded directly in front of Katie.

  The Arth-Creature froze with its mouth stretched wide around Katie's head. Its vicious teeth were only millimeters away from crunching into her skull.

  The purple smoke cleared. Katie carefully maneuvered her head out of the Arth-Creature's mouth, stood up, and ran toward them.

  "You ... it ... I ..." Katie, her eyes huge and panic-stricken, couldn't get the words out.

  Nicola couldn't speak, either. She felt her knees almost give way. If she'd thrown the freeze-grenade a second later, Katie would be dead.

  "How many left? How many left?" Shimlara was in a frenzy.

  "Two," said Sean tersely. He pointed to the left of the crater at a particularly huge, hairy, and hungry-looking creature. "One over there."

  "And another one over there." Tyler pointed to his right. It was a smaller one with intelligent eyes, looking at them shrewdly.

  The Space Brigade huddled together around the immobile, unblinking Greta.They were muddy, exhausted, and terrified.

  The two Arth-Creatures seemed to be communicating with each other.

  "GWOOOOOARRRGGH!" roared the smaller one. "GWOG HOGALOG MOGALOG!"

  The hairy one listened carefully. "HWWAAA!" it answered.

  Sean was feverishly biting his nails--something Nicola had never seen him do in his entire life. "I think we're in trouble," he said.

  CHAPTER 29

  "Should we make a run for the spaceship?" Sean asked Nicola.

  Nicola wanted to scream, I DON'T KNOW! HOW SHOULD I KNOW? YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME!

  Instead, she was amazed at how calm and controlled her voice sounded as she said, "We can't leave Greta.Where is the princess? She's got the last grenade."

  "There she is," said Shimlara. "What's she doing?"

  The princess must have run around to the other side of the crater. Now she was standing halfway between the two Arth-Creatures, with her feet firmly planted in the mud. She looked like a cowboy waiting for a duel, except of course for her mud-splattered yellow pajamas and the tiara still fixed firmly to her head.

  "They're at least fifty meters apart," said Tyler. "There's no way she can get both of them with one grenade."

  "Yeah, and I think the Arth-Creatures might have worked that out," said Shimlara.

  The two Arth-Creatures were now wearing a smug, satisfied look, as if they were heading off to an all-you-can-eat buffet dinner.

  The princess wound her arms around in circles and twisted her neck back and forth.

  "She's stretching." Sean shook his head. "She's getting ready to freeze one of them. She's crazy!"

  "Princess Petronella, that's our last freeze-grenade!" yelled Nicola. "We can't afford to waste it! And have you changed the setting?"

  The princess just rolled her eyes.

  "Maybe she wants us to die," said Shimlara.

  "We did kidnap her," said Katie.

  The princess turned toward the larger, hairier Arth-Creature and pointed one finger at it like a dart player taking aim.

  Nicola clenched her fists tight in frustration. If the princess used up the last grenade, there would still be one creature left--the intelligent-looking one that was now rubbing its large tummy as if to say, "Good. More food for me."

  "Wait till they're together so you can get both of them at once!" shouted Nicola.The princess took no notice.

  Should I sacrifice myself to that last Arth-Creature so the others can escape? Nicola felt dizzy with terror as she imagined sharp, cruel teeth savaging her skin, crunching on her bones. It will hurt immensely, but it's the right thing to do.The noble thing to do.

  The princess threw her grenade. It spun so fast it was a blur in the yellow sky.

  I'll die a heroic death. Nicola's legs trembled uncontrollably. They'll probably make a movie about me.

  The grenade hit the huge hairy Arth-Creature right in the center of the forehead with a loud thwock sound like a cricket ball against a bat.

  But what about saving Earth? There might not be any Earthlings left to WATCH movies.

  The Arth-Creature toppled backward and landed with an enormous SPLAT of mud.The grenade had bounced cleanly off his forehead without exploding.

  Nicola's jaw dropped. What the ... ?

  Like spectators at a tennis match, everyone in the Space Brigade except for Greta turned their heads to watch the grenade soaring in the opposite direction across the sky. It plopped to the ground and rolled neatly to a stop, like a perfectly placed golf ball, directly in front of the intelligent Arth-Creature.

  The grenade exploded.

  The intelligent Arth-Creature seemed about to run, and then shrugged in resignation, as if to say, You got me. It froze, shoulders lifted mid-shrug, an almost admiring expression on its face.

  There were a few seconds of amazed silence.

  I'm not going to be eaten, thought Nicola. She felt so giddy with relief, her legs almost gave way. I'm NOT going to be eaten! No heroic death--yippee!

  Simultaneously, Nicola, Shimlara, Sean,Tyler, and Katie erupted into cheers.Together, they sloshed through the mud toward the princess, leaving Greta behind.

  They leaped around her, everyone talking at once.

  "Thank you," said Nicola over and over. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

  Tyler grabbed the princess's hand and shook it briskly, while Katie hugged her around the waist. Shimlara held up one palm and gave her a high five.

  "You know what? You're one of the most annoying girls I've ever met," said Sean. "But I have to say, that was one of the coolest moves I've ever seen."

  "Thanks for the compliment, kidnapper," answered the princess, but Nicola noticed that her cheeks were pink with pleasure.

  "How did you learn to do that?" asked Katie. "You must have thrown it just right, so it didn't explode when it hit the first one."

  "It's a little technique I taught myself just for the fun of it," answered the princess. "I practice on my guards. Anyway, I'd just love to sit around and have a picnic with you all, but that big unconscious Arth-Creature could wake up at any moment, and the rest of the Arth-Creatures will be unfreezing soon. Don't you think you should maybe get on with the job of kidnapping me?"

  "Ah, yep, sure," said Nicola. She felt awkward now that the princess had helped save the day.

  "Want to tie me up again?" asked the princess. "Tape my mouth?"

  "Um, no, that's okay."

  "So, I guess we really shouldn't leave Greta behind?" said Sean, surveying her frozen figure.

  "We'll have to carry her on to the spaceship somehow," said Nicola.

  Shimlara said to the princess, "Come on,Your Royal muddy Highness, you can help Sean and me carry Greta. We're so much taller than these Earthling squirts!"

  "Great," said the princess. "Not only do I have to save my kidnappers' lives, now I have to help lug you around!"

  But she went off willingly with Shimlara and grabbed hold of Greta under her frozen arms. Sean took one of Greta's legs, and Shimlara took the other with her unbroken arm.Together they hauled Greta over toward the spaceship as though she were a piece of furniture.

  "I feel bad about kidnapping the princess now," said Katie quietly as they trudged toward the spaceship.

  "I know what you mean," said Nicola.

  "Don't forget the princess plans to destroy our planet," Tyler pointed out.

  "Actually, I think she's sort of having fun," said Katie.

  Nicola looked over at the princess as she helped Sean and Shimlara shove Greta headfirst into the spaceship. "You might be right. Do you think that means she might change her mind about the garbage can?"

  "Does Mrs. Z
ucchini ever change her mind about giving a math test?"Tyler asked.

  "No."

  "Exactly."

  CHAPTER 30

  It was difficult figuring out what to do with Greta. She was frozen so solid, it was impossible to bend her in half to sit her in one of the seats. In the end, Sean suggested strapping her down in the section for baggage at the back of the spaceship.

  "I'd say we've only got about two minutes before she starts to thaw," said Shimlara. "She's going to be in a bad mood."

  "Yeah, she'll blame you, Nicola," said Tyler as he very carefully typed the letters "B-U-D-D-Y B-E-A-C-H, A-US-T-R-A-L-I-A, E-A-R-T-H," while Katie looked over his shoulder to double-check there were no mistakes this time.

  "Speaking of unfreezing ..." The princess pointed with her chin out the window. The first Arth-Creatures they'd frozen were starting to twitch and the big one the princess had knocked out was sitting up and shaking its huge head. "You'd better hurry up."

  "Esteemedpassengerspreparefortakeoff!" garbled Tyler. He slammed the red button and once again they hurtled across a star-spangled sky, leaving the Arth-Creatures a million light years behind them.

  "Ah, spaceship travel." Sean stuck his feet out and tipped his head back comfortably against the seats. "This is starting to seem as normal as catching the school bus."

  "No chewing gum under the seats," said Katie.

  "I can soon fix that," said Sean.

  I hope we get the right planet this time, thought Nicola as she closed her eyes, just for a second. I'm too tired to battle any more creatures.

  "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! WHY CAN'T I MOVE? WHY AM I LYING ON THE FLOOR? WHY AM I ALL WET ... AND MUDDY . . . AND ITCHY, ITCHY, ITCHY!"

  Nicola's eyes flew open.What a pity, Greta's mouth was starting to thaw before the rest of her.

  "NICOLA BERRY! This is all your fault!"

  "Told you," said Tyler quietly.

  "Actually, Greta," said Shimlara. "It's all your fault for dropping the freeze-grenade. I think you have a word on your planet, is it Butterfingers? Well, Butterfingers, it's just lucky that Katie stepped in and saved the day, otherwise some Arth-Creature would be eating Tyler on Toast right now."

  Sean snorted.

  "I'M ITCHY!" moaned Greta.

  "Don't worry, Greta," said Nicola. "I'm getting Tyler to take us to Buddy Beach, so we can all have a swim and wash off the mud."

  "Pfff! Tyler will probably land us on a snowfield on Mars!"