by Ian Hay
III
Having now leisure to review the incredible sequence of events which hadresulted in my being hounded through the streets of Cambridge by theUniversity authorities,--when by University law I should have been oneof the hounds,--in company with two undergraduates, one attired as asort of burlesque Rob Roy and the other in a state of more than doubtfulsobriety, I embarked upon a series of gloomy but useless reflectionsupon my imbecility. My only consolation was derived from the knowledgethat I no longer wore the insignia of the Junior Egyptologist, havingmislaid that accursed ornament in the course of the evening's revels.
My meditations were interrupted by the voice of The Freak.
"What shall we do next?" he enquired, with great gusto.
"Go home," said I, without hesitation.
"How?"
"Straight on: this passage must lead somewhere."
"Does it? Have you ever been down it before?"
"I can't remember; but--"
"Well, I have, and it does n't lead anywhere, young feller-my-lad.That's why that blamed bull-dog of Sandy's has n't followed us upharder. He knows he has got us on toast. I expect they 're all waitingfor us at the mouth of this rat-hole now."
Certainly we were in a tight corner. But even now The Freak's amazingresource did not fail him. We were standing at the moment outside abuilding of rather forbidding aspect, which had the appearance of aparish institute. The windows of one of the rooms on the ground-floorwere brightly lighted, and even as we looked a large podgy young man, ofthe Sunday-School superintendent type, appeared on the front steps. Wefeigned absorption in a large printed notice which stood outside thedoor.
The podgy man addressed us.
"Are you coming in, gentlemen? You'll find it worth your while. Theprofessor is only just 'ere, 'avin' missed 'is train from King's Cross;so we are goin' to begin at once." He spoke in the honeyed--not to sayoily--accents of a certain type of "townee" who sees a chance of makingsomething out of a 'Varsity man, and his conversation was naturallyaddressed to me. My two companions kept modestly in the shadows. "Firstlecture free to all," continued the podgy young man, smiling invitingly."Members of the University specially welcomed."
At this moment The Freak emerged into the full glare of the electriclight, and nudged me meaningly in the ribs.
"I have two friends with me," I said--"one from Scotland--er--the Northof Scotland. I am taking them for an after-dinner stroll, to view theColleges, and--er--so on."
"All are welcome," repeated the young man faintly, gazing in a dazedfashion at the Marquis of Puddox. "Step inside."
What we were in for we did not know. But it was a case of any port in astorm, and we all three allowed ourselves to be shepherded into a roomcontaining some fifteen people, who, to judge by the state of theatmosphere, had been there some time. Our entrance caused an obviousflutter, and distracted the attention of the room from a diminutiveforeigner in a frayed frock-coat, with a little pointed beard andpathetic brown eyes, who was sitting nervously on the edge of a chair,endeavouring to look collected under the blighting influence of a goodhonest British stare. The three newcomers at once retired to the onlyunoccupied corner of the room, where it was observed that the clericalmember of the party immediately adopted a somewhat unconventionalattitude and composed himself to slumber.
At this point the podgy young man, who appeared to be the secretary ofthe club,--some society for mutual improvement,--rose to his feet andannounced that he had great pleasure in introducing "the professor" tothe company. Apparently we were to have a French lesson. We had arrivedjust in time for the opening ceremony, which we might enjoy free gratisand for nothing; but if we desired to come again--a highly improbablecontingency, I thought--we were at liberty to do so every Thursdayevening throughout the quarter, at a fee of one guinea.
"I think, gentlemen," concluded the secretary, "that you will find yourmoney 'as been well laid out. We 'ave very 'igh reports of theprofessor's abilities, and I am glad to see that the fame of 'isteaching 'as been sufficient to attract a member of the University hereto-night."
At this he bowed deferentially in our direction, and there was somefaint applause. To my horror Dicky promptly rose to his feet, and,returning the podgy young man's bow, delivered himself in a resonantGaelic whinny of the following outrageous flight of fancy:--
"Hech-na hoch-na hoy ah hoo!"
As delivered, I am bound to admit that it sounded like a perfectlygenuine expression of Celtic fervour. Dicky sat down, amid aninterested murmur, and whispered hurriedly to me:--
"Interpret, old soul!"
I rose miserably to my feet.
"My friend," I announced, wondering dimly how long it would be beforethe podgy young man and his satellites uprose and cast us forth, "hasreplied to your very kind welcome by a quotation from one of hisnational poets,--er, Ossian,--which, roughly translated, means that,however uncouth his exterior may be, he never forgets a kindness!"
Which was rather good, I think.
There was more applause, which had the disastrous effect of rousing Mr.Duckworth from his slumbers. Finding that every one present wasclapping his hands and looking in his direction, he struggled to hisfeet.
"Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen," he began cheerfully, "in responseto your most flattering encore I shall have great pleasure, with yourattention and permission, in givin' you my celebrated imitation"--herehe began to stiffen into the old familiar epileptic attitude--"of SirGeorge Irving--"
We drew him down, as gently as possible, into his seat, and thesecretary, slightly disconcerted, called upon the lecturer to begin.
The professor rose, and having bowed gallantly to the secretary's wife,the only lady present,--a courtesy which was acknowledged by that youngwoman, with true British politeness, by a convulsive giggle,--proceeded,in language which betrayed the fact that although he might be able toteach French he could not pronounce English, to explain his _modusoperandi_. He proposed, we discovered, to describe in his own tonguesome familiar scene of everyday life, suiting his action to the word,and laying his hand, whenever possible, upon the objects mentioned inhis discourse, in order to assist us in grasping his meaning.
"_Par exemple_," he explained, "if I touch ze 'at of madam, so"--here hedarted across the room and laid a playful finger on the brim of Mrs.Secretary's rather flamboyant headgear, a familiarity which that paragonof British propriety greeted with an hysterical "Ow, George!"--"and say_chapeau_, den you vill onnerstand vat I mean."
"I doubt it, old son," observed Mr. Duckworth gravely.
"To-night," continued the professor, who had fortunately been unable tounderstand this innuendo, "I vill describe a simple scene zat you allknow--_n'est-ce pas_?"
Here he struck an attitude, as if to imply that they must be careful notto miss this bit, and declaimed:--
"_Ze postman, 'ow 'e brings ze letters._"
This announcement was greeted with a stony silence.
"I tell you ze title," he added in warning tones, "but after now I spikno more Engleesh."
"Quite right; I would n't if I were you," remarked Mr. Duckworthapprovingly.
The professor bowed politely at this commendation from such an exaltedquarter, and plunged into his subject.
"_Le facteur, comment il apporte les lettres!_"
The audience, composed exclusively of podgy young men like thesecretary, received this exordium with different degrees ofself-consciousness, after the manner of the Englishman when a foreignlanguage is spoken in his presence. Some looked extremely knowing,while others stirred uneasily in their seats, and regarded each otherwith shamefaced grins.
The professor meanwhile had advanced to the window, and was gazingexcitedly out into the darkness.
"_Regardez le facteur qui s'approche!_" he cried, pointing with hisfinger in the direction where I calculated that the Reverend Hugo andhis attendant fiends were probably still waiting for us; "_dans la rue,la-bas! Il m'apporte peut-etre une
lettre! Mais de qui? Ah, de--_"Here he clutched his heart convulsively, evidently bent upon a touch ofhumorous sentiment: but a glance at the adamantine countenances of hisaudience caused him to change his mind, and he continued, ratherlamely:--
"_Je descendrai au rez-de-chaussee. Je m'approche a la porte_--pardon,m'sieur!"
The last remark was addressed to Mr. Duckworth, the professor havingstumbled over his legs on his way to the door. The Theologian respondedpolitely with an imitation of a man drawing a cork, and thedemonstration proceeded.
"_Je saisis le bouton,_" continued our instructor, convulsivelyclutching the door-handle. "_Je tour-r-r-rne le bouton! J'ouvre laporte! Je m'eloigne dans le corridor_--Oh, pardon, m'sieur! Je vous--"
He had torn open the door with a flourish and hurled himself into thepassage in faithful pursuance of his system, only to collide heavily andaudibly with some unyielding body outside.
"Proctor's compliments, sir," said a deep voice, "but if you are incharge 'ere, will you kindly come and speak to 'im a minute?"
The Frenchman's answering flood of incomprehensible explanation was cutshort by the secretary, who rose from his seat and hurried out. A fewquestions and answers passed between him and the bull-dog, and then weheard their footsteps dying away in the direction of the front door,where the Reverend Hugo was doubtless waiting.
Next moment the company in the room were surprised, and I firmly believedisappointed, when the three last-joined recruits, after a hurriedglance round the walls as if for a humbler means of exit, rose andunostentatiously quitted the apartment by the door.
----
Once in the passage, we turned hastily and blindly to the left, leavingbehind us the front door, which was blocked by an animated groupcomposed of the secretary, the professor,--what he was doing there I donot know: perhaps he thought that three more pupils were applying foradmission,--and the larger of the Reverend Hugo's two bull-dogs, whilethat avenging angel's voice could be heard uplifted in a statelyharangue outside.
We scuttled up the passage and dived through the first door thatpresented itself, closing and locking it behind us. On turning up theelectric light we found ourselves in a large deserted room, occupied bytwo bagatelle tables. It was unfortunately lighted from the roof, whichput escape by the window out of the question. However, at the far end wespied another door. Through this we rushed, into what appeared to be arecreation-room, occupied solely by two spectacled gentlemen immersed ina game of chess. Their surprise when three total strangers, two inunusual dress and all in an obvious hurry, invaded the privacy of theirapartment, only to make a hasty and undignified exit by the window, musthave been considerable, but we did not stay to observe it.