We went into the living room and sat down, and Abby followed with a cup of coffee for me and Jennifer’s bottle of water.
“You want to watch the news?” I asked Jennifer.
“No. Do you?”
“No.”
We sat in silence.
She stirred, reaching toward the coffee table, and I realized she was going for the tissue box. She swiped at two tears that had run down her cheeks.
“Jennifer—”
“I’m sorry. I know you hate it when I cry.” It sounded as though she could barely get it out.
“I don’t hate it. It just makes me feel—helpless. What can I do to make you feel better?”
“Forgive him.”
I sighed. “If I could, I would.”
She wiped her eyes again and said quietly, “I should have told you when you asked me.”
“Jenny, Jenny!” I leaned my head against the back of the couch and looked up at the light fixture. Here she was, apologizing to me, and she had done absolutely nothing. “You are too good for me. Don’t make yourself into the culprit here. I know who’s at fault, and it’s not you.”
“His name is Neil Daniels.” She swung around to face me. “You asked me to tell you. That’s it. Neil Daniels. Do whatever you have to do.”
I didn’t move, as the guilt hit me full in the face. She got up and walked into the sunroom and beyond, to our bedroom.
I sat there another ten minutes, trying to process what had happened and where our relationship was headed. I didn’t like our prospects, unless I changed.
Eddie came to the doorway. “Uh, Harv?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you going over to the church?” Jennifer and I usually went to the Bible study and prayer time on Wednesday. I didn’t want to go, and I wasn’t sure Jennifer did, either.
I stood up, weary to the bone. “I’ll see if Jennifer’s up to it.”
At the bedroom door, I knocked softly and pushed it open. She was lying on top of the quilt with her Bible beside her, but she wasn’t reading.
“Do you want to go to prayer meeting?” I couldn’t quite meet her eyes.
She sat up. “Do you?”
I stood there for a few seconds, trying to get the weight off my chest. It wouldn’t budge. Did I really want to feel like this for the rest of my life?
“Yeah,” I said.
To my surprise, she got up and started getting ready. Eddie and Abby went, too, though I wondered if Abby only went because Eddie was going.
The pastor led the Bible study, and when he was done he took prayer requests. By that time, I was scraping bottom emotionally. It was time to pray. We always formed small groups, men with men and women with women. Jennifer took Abby off with Beth and her sister-in-law, Ruthann. I had some options. I could step out into the parking lot and wait it out. I could go with Eddie and Jeff or a couple of other guys and try to act normal. Or—
I got up and walked slowly over to where Pastor Rowland had sat down with Rick Bradley and Dan Wyman.
“Pastor, I really need to talk to you.”
“Certainly.” He excused himself and took me into his study. As we left the auditorium, I looked over my shoulder and saw that Eddie and Jeff had joined Dan and Rick to pray. I shut the study door behind us.
“What is it, Harvey?” Pastor Rowland asked. “Jennifer looks stronger.”
“She is. It’s not that.” I sat down and leaned forward, twisting my hands together.
“Are you all right, Harvey?”
“No. I’m miserable. Pastor, I’ve done something really rotten.”
He looked at me silently, not condemning me, just waiting. The same technique I used on suspects.
“I’ve hurt Jennifer badly. On July seventeenth, I promised to love and honor and cherish her, and today I just—I just trampled all over her feelings. I guess I have to tell you the story before you’ll understand.”
“I’m listening.”
I looked at the rug. “There was a guy Jennifer used to date in college. He—well, to make a long story short, he hit her a couple of times, and he tried to rape her. She got away, but it always bothered her in a big way. We are talking major psychological damage. When I first met her, she was very timid and distrustful of men. We talked about it some, and I think that helped. When we got saved, it didn’t seem to be an issue anymore. She’s okay with it now, and she’s even forgiven the guy.”
I looked up at him. He shifted a little, but didn’t say anything.
“The trouble is, I haven’t. I didn’t realize how bitter I was about it until a couple of days ago. It came up innocently enough, but I suddenly found out I still hate him, and I wanted to do something to him. Confront him at the least. Maybe something worse, I don’t know, make his life miserable. If I thought a criminal charge would stick, I’d go arrest him.” I sighed. “But, anyway, I’ve been letting this thing control me. Jennifer’s all upset. I asked her yesterday to tell me his last name, so I could find him. She wouldn’t.” I twisted my wedding ring and sighed.
“Have you talked to the Lord at all about this, Harvey?”
“Some. I asked him to help me be willing to forgive the guy. But I haven’t really been able to yet. I sort of want to, but I sort of don’t. I guess I’ve enjoyed hating him. That’s pretty perverse, isn’t it?”
“Have you asked God to forgive you personally?”
I hung my head. “No.” I knew why not. Because then I’d have to stop hating Neil Daniels. I swallowed. “She wouldn’t tell me his name, but I found out anyway. And today I did something even worse.”
“What, Harvey?” he asked gently.
“I asked one of my men to do a background check on Neil Daniels.” I felt defensive, and said quickly, “We do background checks all the time. It’s not unusual.”
“But only on people you suspect of crimes.”
“Well, we do them on people who apply for concealed weapons permits, things like that, too.”
“But only if you have an official reason.”
“Yes.”
“And you had no reason today to check on this man Daniels.”
“Not really.”
“Harvey, what I’m hearing is that you abused your position to help you satisfy a personal grudge. Isn’t that unethical?”
“It’s against the rules. It’s a sin, too. I know that. That’s why I’m here. And I dragged my man Nate Miller into it.”
“Did you tell him that it was personal?”
“No, I told him it was for one of my cases.”
“So you lied, too.”
I sat there for a few seconds, then looked him in the eye. “Yes.”
Pastor Rowland was silent. I wondered if he thought I was beyond hope.
I said, “Tonight, I felt so guilty. I’ve been crabby with people for two days. I know I’ve been nasty to Eddie and Abby and Beth, not to mention Jennifer. She’s told me in the past that being with me made her feel secure, and that helped her forget about her experience with Neil. Now I’ve undone all of that. Pastor, she came to me tonight and told me the guy’s name. She thought I was mad because she wouldn’t tell me when I asked her. She knows I’m wrong, but she’s willing to submit to me. What can I do? I don’t deserve for her to forgive me.”
The pastor looked at me dispassionately. “I think you know what you have to do, Harvey. You know what the scripture says, don’t you?”
“I know God hates lying.”
“That’s a start. Let me just step out to the auditorium for a second and ask Dick Williams to close the service. I’ll be right back.”
He left then, and I took out my handkerchief and wiped my eyes. Suddenly I wanted Jennifer badly.
When the pastor came back, he pulled his chair around next to me. We had a session of about twenty minutes, looking at what the Bible said on lying, deceit, hate and bitterness.
“I know you want to please God,” he said. “You’ve committed your life to the Lord. This week, you’ve let you
rself fall into sin. But it can stop right now. Get back into harmony with God, and with Jennifer.”
He opened to Proverbs 28:13 and read to me, “He who covers his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.”
I said, “I guess that’s what I need to do. Confess and forsake.”
“Yes. And leave the vengeance to God.”
We prayed then, and I confessed everything. I asked God to forgive me, thanked him for saving me and for giving me Jennifer.
“Wait here,” Pastor said. In a minute he was back, with Jennifer, and he closed the door softly on the two of us. We stood there a moment, eyeing each other. I opened my palms and held them outward, down by my sides, half afraid to put my arms out to her. But she ran to me and threw her arms around my neck, almost knocking me over.
“Jenny, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I was terrible to you. I love you so much.”
She kissed the wrinkles at the corners of my eyes, where the tears were spilling out.
“You won’t go after him?” she asked.
“No. Not because of what he did to you. But if I ever hear he’s hurt someone else, or committed another crime—”
“Then it would be your duty,” she said.
“I don’t hate him anymore.” I meant it. He was scum, but the rush of feeling was gone.
“Thank you.”
“Thank God. I couldn’t let go by myself. Jenny, I betrayed your trust. I went looking for that guy. When you told me his name tonight, I already knew it. I felt so convicted. I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at myself. Please forgive me.”
“I do. I have.”
“How can you love me?” I asked.
“It’s easy,” she said. “It’s very easy.” I held her close, with the baby between us.
When we went out to the auditorium a couple of minutes later, Abby was sitting in the back pew, waiting for us. She looked alone and apprehensive. Pastor Rowland stood near the door.
We walked down the aisle, and I stopped in front of Abby. “I need to apologize to you.”
“What for?” She turned wide eyes on me.
“I tried to use you to get information about a man. Neil Daniels.”
“That’s it!” she cried, then stopped, looking at me in confusion. “You were trying to find out about Jennifer’s old boyfriend.”
“Yes. I wasn’t honest with you. It wasn’t a casual interest. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it. Will you forgive me?”
“Yes, of course.” She looked at Jennifer and me, still a little perplexed.
“I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow,” Jennifer said.
We went out onto the steps.
“Thank you, Pastor.” I shook his hand, and he said goodnight and walked toward his house.
Jeff’s truck and Eddie’s were still in the parking lot, and they stood together near them, talking with Beth. I gave Jennifer my car keys and walked over to them alone.
“Hey, Harv,” Eddie said, his dark eyes sober.
I nodded. “Beth, I’m sorry I was mean to you yesterday.”
“It’s all right Harvey.”
“No, it’s not. Something was bothering me, and I let it affect everything I did and said. I was rotten to you, too, Eddie. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
“Sure.”
Beth put her hand out and touched my sleeve. “Are things better now, Harvey?”
“Yes. I’ve made my confession.”
“Did you have to confess to Pastor Rowland?” Eddie asked. I knew the priest connection he’d been raised on still bothered him.
“No, Ed. I had to confess to God. Pastor helped me sort it out.”
Jeff had been silent, but he put out his hand then, and I took it. “Take care of my sister,” he said.
“I’ll do better now.”
Eddie clapped me on the shoulder. “Whatever happened, it’s okay.”
“Well, it’s not just being grouchy. I had Nate do something personal for me at work. I lied when I said it was for a case.”
“You don’t lie anymore, Harv.”
“I did today. I lied to you and Nate. It was a sin, Eddie.”
He looked at me in the light of the street lamp, as though he couldn’t believe it. I recalled a time when I was training him for undercover work, when I had instructed him specifically on how to lie without looking nervous.
“God will forgive you,” he said at last.
“Yes. He has.”
Jennifer and Abby were waiting for me in the Explorer. We drove home in silence, but I held Jennifer’s hand all the way.
When we got home, Abby said, “I’m exhausted, so I’ll see you guys in the morning,” and headed up the stairs. I locked the door. Jennifer had gone into the bedroom. I got a bottle of water and followed her.
“You still need to hydrate.”
She was sitting on the bed, taking her braid out. She reached for the water and took a long drink.
“You’re better,” I said.
“A lot better now. I think tomorrow is going to be a wonderful day.” The smile she turned on me was genuine, the glorious one I hadn’t seen in days.
“Jenny, I love you so much. I don’t know how I could do what I did to you.”
“It’s over.”
“Yes.”
She set the water bottle down on the night stand and opened her arms to me. I sat down beside her and held her and buried my face in her hair.
Chapter 7
Thursday, September 30
The next morning, I went first to Mike. He listened to my story, shaking his head.
“I thought you learned this lesson, Harvey.”
“I thought so, too.”
“Last time, you used the department’s computer system to get the goods on a beautiful woman you wanted to date. Now it’s revenge. What’s it going to be next time?”
“There won’t be a next time, Mike. I promise, it will never happen again.”
“So, you’re saying I can trust you with a computer?”
“I hope so. It was wrong, I know. I’m sorry.”
He looked at the print that hung on his office wall, the Turner seascape he’d inherited from the last chief. “Let’s just say you suspected this subject of criminal behavior and let it go at that.”
“You’re not going to discipline me?” He could fire me if he wanted to.
“I think you’ve disciplined yourself.” Mike leaned back in his chair and linked his hands behind his head. “Harvey, if you’ve got a weak spot, it’s your emotions.” That hurt, because for years I’d prided myself on keeping my feelings inside. “Jennifer is good for you, but she’s your soft spot. Emotion has its place, even in police work, but it shouldn’t be in the driver’s seat.”
He sat up and opened a desk drawer and took out a paper. “I’ve been talking with the patrol sergeant. We need some officers in the department with extra computer training. They all come in with the basics, but we could really use some people who could get online and find information, track down cyber criminals, and use the specialized software that’s available, the way you do. I’ll set up some training sessions, and you can instruct.”
“Oh, Mike, come on—” I stopped. I had no right to protest. I held up my hands. “All right.”
“I’m not punishing you. We really need this. Every day we get complaints about scams offered by e-mail, or sex offenders preying on kids by way of the computer.”
“All right, I’ll do it,” I said. “Are these remedial students or ones with aptitude?”
He considered. “We need a cadre of sharp computer people.”
“I could stand to teach people who enjoy it and understand what you’re going for.”
“All right. I’ll ask the department heads to nominate people for special computer training. What’s the limit on the class?”
“Six, maybe.” I was thinking of the computers available in my unit and the logistics.
“We’ll scre
en you six people with computer aptitude and willingness to upgrade. Afternoons?”
“I’d rather have them fresh in the morning.”
He made a note. “Nine a.m. to noon. How long?”
“I could teach them a lot in a week. Start out with simple stuff—make sure they know how to do DMV checks, background checks, data searches. Then go on to interacting with the crime databases and cracking these electronic scams.”
Mike said, “If we had six people we could depend on for advanced stuff, I’d feel pretty good. I call on you a lot right now.”
“So does the detective squad. They should be able to do it themselves.”
“Should they be top candidates?”
“Only if they like it. I’ll set a fast pace, and I don’t want someone who hates it dragging us down.”
“Anyone from your unit?”
“Sure. Eddie and Nate.”
“Clyde too old to learn new tricks?”
“I’ll sound him out, but he hasn’t shown a great admiration for his computer.”
“One thing, Harv. Impress on these people that personal use is taboo.”
“Got it.”
“Because you don’t want to be in the position of having to discipline people who’ve abused our computer system, do you?”
“No way.”
*****
Nate’s report on Neil Daniels was lying on my desk.
“Eddie, where’s Nate?” I asked.
“Locker room, I think.”
I picked up the report and walked down there. Nate was closing his locker, with a jacket in his hand.
“Nate, this report—”
“Is it okay? I called his employer, and I might be able to find something else, but I’m not sure what.”
“Well, actually, I haven’t read it yet.”
He looked at me, puzzled.
“Nate, I lied to you yesterday.” His expression became even more baffled. “This background check wasn’t for an open case. It was personal. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to do it. I wanted to check up on Daniels. I shouldn’t have done it in the first place, but if I were going to, I should have done it at home, on my own time and my own computer.”
He turned away from me, reaching into the pocket of the jacket. “No big deal.”
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