"The point is that she is crawling. She'll walk. Maybe not on her birthday but soon enough and then we'll have a tough time running after her. That may be when she starts talking too – like a bird. Right now I'm concentrating on her movements. Talking can wait. I know exactly what she wants even without her telling me anything."
"You don't know what I want, do you?" Raghu asked her once.
"What do you mean?"
"I want my wife! I've forgotten what it is to hold you . . . to. . ."
"Shh. . . that's enough. Revabehn is around, remember?" she warned.
Revabehn was now working for Kamala the whole day. She had to cook, water the plants in the balcony and do all the other chores that Kamala once did, in addition to her own old routine of sweeping, mopping, doing the dishes and washing clothes. The maid was happy with the additional pay but Raghu complained about Kamala's new absorption.
"Don't you think you're spending too much time with Ammu? Look at you! You don't bother about anything any more."
"How can I think of myself? My priority is my daughter.
"She is my daughter too, am I neglecting my work?"
"That's the difference between you and me! As a man, as a father, you can get away with less involvement in your family but a woman can't. Our priorities are different too. Children come first for us."
"Rubbish! I'm as concerned about Ammu but I haven't given up my routine because of her. I do my work like before, I go to the club, meet my friends. . ."
"But my 'routine' is Ammu. She is everything to me," Kamala hugged her daughter.
"You used to say I was everything to you . . . and not so long ago," he said wryly.
Kamala melted a little. "You are talking like a petulant child. Come on, you're a big boy. You don't need amma any more. In any case, whenever you want me I'll be there for you."
"Really? Then how about going out for dinner tonight? Let's ask Revabehn to stay back and look after Ammu. We'll go to the club. You haven't been there even once. It would divert you. They show good movies. . ."
"What on earth are you talking about? You know very well that I don't give her to Revabehn and you are asking me to go out with you, leaving Ammu with her for a few hours?"
"Then let's take her with us."
"Take Ammu? God knows what infection she'll catch in a crowded place. We can't run such risks, can we?"
Raghu did not reply but his silences no longer disturbed Kamala. She continued to tell him about Amrita's progress, even if he was not always attentive.
"I tried to show her how to stand. I held her hands and . . . are you sleeping?"
"Eh? . . .No, I am drowsy though," he replied.
"How can you think of sleep when I am talking to you about our daughter?"
"That's what you always do," he muttered.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing. Are you through? I have an important meeting tomorrow. I want to sleep."
"Sleep! That's all you can think about. You're simply not bothered about our daughter."
"You are looking after her well enough."
"That's not the point! You hardly spend any time with her. At this rate she won't even recognise you. She clings to me because I am with her always. She is. . . ."
"Okay, okay. We will talk about this tomorrow. I'm really feeling very sleepy." Raghu lay back on the bed, closed his eyes and laid an arm across them but Kamala hadn't finished her account.
"I wonder how she'll react to my parents."
That got Raghu's attention.
"Your parents? They are coming here? When?" he asked.
"Oh, great! I told you only this morning that they want to attend Ammu's birthday. Of course, they said they would confirm their visit later. My mother has not been keeping too well but she doesn't want to miss her granddaughter's first birthday. What about your mother? Did you talk to her?"
"I'll telephone her one of these days, though it is not worth travelling such a distance for a mere birthday. Are you planning to have a party or what? I thought you've become a total recluse?"
"I feel guilty even to think of doing something else and not spending that time with my daughter. Now I realise that it's not healthy for her to be so attached to me. She must learn to mingle with others. She'll like to see other children, I'm sure."
As Ammu's birthday approached, Kamala became irritable, made endless plans and worried into the night.
"Look," Raghu told her when he could no longer stand it. "If you are going to get so worked up, let's call it off. After all, your parents have also cancelled their visit. We can give some excuse to our neighbours."
"No, I want to go ahead with the party. It will be a test for Ammu. When she is old enough to travel we can take her to my parents and also visit your mother. What I am concerned about is that for a month now I've been teaching Ammu to stand and she still can't balance herself. What will everyone think? There's only a week left for her birthday."
"What's there to think? If she can't balance herself, she can't. That's it. Let her crawl around the guests," he snapped.
"I knew you would say something like this! You simply don't understand my problem. You are the most self-centred man I have ever seen."
"Who's talking! For so many months now you have not bothered about me at all. It is Ammu, Ammu all the time . . . don't I count any more?"
"Once again the same old complaint? Shame on you for being jealous of your own daughter and that too one who is not like other children. You are not able to accept the truth about Amrita. You don't want me to spend so much time with her. You are looking for excuses to blame me for everything. Go on, say it. Say I am responsible for her condition!"
The more Kamala argued the more Raghu withdrew from her and Amrita. She knew this but couldn't stop herself from hurting him. It was as if she wanted to test the limit of his patience. Raghu, however, did not retaliate till the day of the party.
***
"We lived in Srinagar colony those days," Kamala auntie said. "With eight houses to a block there were five such blocks built around a central park-cum-children's playground. This was also the venue of all society functions. A couple of neem trees and a scattering of benches below them gave the clearing an identification, a name as 'park'. But the swing, the seesaw and the slide also made it the 'children's playground'. Many arguments and disagreements in the colony arose because of this duality. The children did not stop with using only the facilities in the playground but soon graduated to playing cricket, making it hazardous for others in the park. Rubber balls whizzed threateningly, players kicked up dust while running between the wickets and arguments raged about the umpire's decisions, making it all very distracting for the elderly who occupied the benches and others who made the park their meeting place to share a little gossip. The elders and the children carried the disagreement throughout the year, culminating in the annual general meeting of the colony welfare committee. The standard item on the agenda was the need to bifurcate the 'two public facilities' but no decision could ever be reached and it was carried over to the next annual meeting and another august body. It was on this ground that I planned to hold the birthday party. I didn't realise my stupidity even when Raghu shouted at me."
"Have you gone mad, Kamala? Do you realise how many people live here?" he asked.
"Of course, I do. So many of them have invited us for something or the other. We have to return the invitation some time and this is a good opportunity."
Raghu prevailed upon her to invite only the younger children and a few mothers whose babies were too small to come on their own. That still made a sizeable number but ensured that the party could be held indoors.
It was a hot day and the electricity board had been playing hooky since morning. Fortunately, on Raghu's advice, Kamala had placed an order with the local caterer for the snacks and soft drinks instead of trying to make everything at home. This eased her tension somewhat and also gave her time to decorate the house.
Raghu had bee
n impressed with the profusion of streamers, balloons and paper decorations that greeted him when he returned from work.
"How I wish my parents and your mother had come. They would have been so happy to see Ammu."
Kamala waited for Raghu's response but he was still admiring her handiwork.
"Hmm. . . yes. Is Ammu awake? I don't see her around," he said finally.
"I sent her to the park with Revabehn. She's been a little cranky since I couldn't spend much time with her today. Here she is! She's still crying, Revabehn?"
"Yes, she wants you," replied the maid, handing the child over to Kamala.
"This is of your own making," said Raghu. "You never let her out of your sight."
"I'm scared. I don't want her to get hurt."
"You will have to wean her sometime. She's one. . ."
"Don't! It is not auspicious to reveal the age on one's birthday!"
"Nonsense!"
Nevertheless, Kamala took the precaution of taking a five-rupee note and circling it around Ammu's head to ward off ill luck.
"She looks like a little doll, doesn't she?" she asked Revabehn.
Kamala had dressed her daughter in a new dark pink frock that enhanced Amrita's fair colour. Two pink bows on either side held back the thick mass of black curls from falling into her eyes. She wore matching pink shoes and shiny silver anklets over the socks. The tiny bells on them would have jingled if she had run around, at least walked. She did neither but sat in her baby chair looking like a dainty doll while the guests crowded around her with their gifts.
"Give them to me, she's just a small baby," Kamala explained, quickly wiping the dribble from Ammu's chin.
"Games, aunty?" one child asked.
"Oh no, it didn't occur to me at all. Next time perhaps, when Ammu is older, then she will also play with you."
"Does she talk?" asked a boy of about 11 or 12 years.
"Of course, only a few words though. She's a little shy but she likes children. Haven't you seen her in the park?"
"Yes, stupid! She's the one. . ." whispered his friend in his ear while Kamala tried to ignore it.
"May I carry her?" asked a girl.
"Sure . . . if you won't drop her. What's your name?"
Kamala lifted Ammu from the chair and gave her to Chandra.
"I like carrying babies but not my brother. He is two years old and doesn't stay in one place."
Kamala smiled at Chandra tentatively, not sure if the thin girl would have the strength to carry Amrita. Ammu looked from Kamala's face to Chandra's. Her lips quivered and tears flowed down her cheeks but the little piteous sounds she made were lost in the loud talk and laughter of other children. A bunch of four or five balloons came loose and floated down to the delight of the boys who fell on them with a whoop.
"Give them to me, I shall put them up," Raghu shouted and ran to them but by then they had sent bits of rubber flying everywhere.
"Raghu, leave them. Here, distribute these caps and masks," Kamala thrust a cardboard box in his hand. The children immediately crowded around him shouting their preferences.
Kamala's enthusiasm for the party was flagging quickly. Like her daughter she was distracted by the enthusiasm of the children who seemed to be everywhere at the same time. Ammu clung to her and refused to let anyone carry her.
"Come on folks, let's cut the cake. . ." shouted Raghu and got immediate attention. Everybody crowded around the table.
"Ooh, look at that! A rabbit cake. . ."
"What a cake!"
"My mother had baked a clock cake for my birthday. Bigger than this, much bigger."
"This is not a whole rabbit, only the face!"
"Shouldn't a rabbit have long ears? I saw my friend's father hold a rabbit by its ears, their pet rabbit. It drinks Coca Cola through a straw!"
"It can't. Only people can."
"It can! I saw it."
"Prove it."
"How can I unless you come with me to their house?"
"Boys, no fighting please. When Ammu blows out the candle, everybody will sing, 'happy birthday to you. . .' okay?" Raghu ordered, fetching a chair to stand on.
"Yes, uncle," chorused the children.
"Kamala, you hold the baby while I take the photo. Get her to blow out the candle when I tell you, okay?" he shouted over the children's heads.
Kamala seated Ammu on the table. She had been training her to do it for a couple of weeks and hoped Ammu would remember her lesson.
"Now!" shouted Raghu.
"Ammu, blow at the candle. . . I showed you, remember? Like this. . ."
The little girl looked around at everyone staring at her and her lips began to quiver. Some of the children were leaning forward with their cheeks puffed and lips rounded, ready to do the task if need be.
Kamala turned her daughter's face towards her and repeated the instructions. Ammu's eyes filled steadily. Shaking her head with little quick movements, she buried her face against her mother and tried to climb into her arms.
The children fell back from the table in anticlimactic exasperation.
"No use auntie, you blow it out yourself," advised one.
"It is only one candle, Ammu, you can do it," said Chandra.
"I blew out all eight on my birthday. Poof. . . finished!"
"I had nine candles. No problem at all," added another.
"She can't handle even one. Such a baby."
"She is a baby. She is only one year old today," Chandra gave the speaker next to her a dirty look which made Kamala smile at her though she did wish the girl hadn't mentioned Ammu's age.
"Hey, what's happening? The flash is ready. Get her to blow!" ordered Raghu still perched on his chair.
"Don't wait any longer. Do it yourself," said one of the women.
Kamala held her daughter to her chest and blew out the candle while the children sang. She was seething inside, at herself, at Ammu and at her guests for their impatience. With a little persuasion she could have got Ammu to do it herself.
She forced the baby into Raghu's reluctant arms and started serving the eats with Revabehn and Chandra assisting her. The girl surprised Kamala with her maturity and thoughtfulness.
"How old are you, Chandra?"
"Fourteen"
"You help your mother always like this? She's so lucky. I don't think I have met her. Of course, I've been too busy with Ammu to socialise with everybody. That's why I wanted to hold this party."
Mrs. Kumar overheard her. "No one will misunderstand you for being so aloof. You must have your hands full with the child."
"Revabehn is a big help."
"Even then it must be tough. It will become worse when she grows up," added another woman.
Kamala looked closely at her. This was Mrs. Sharma who always walked with her baby in the pram, never in her arms.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Oh, it is not easy bringing up a child like her.
"Poor thing," added Mrs. Kumar, feeding her toddler.
Kamala tried to control herself and spoke as calmly as she could. "She has not given me any trouble so far and I don't see how it will change when she grows."
"If you can train her maybe it will not be too difficult but in the long run. . ." Mrs. Sharma stopped her child from turning the plate over.
Kamala walked away from them abruptly. She picked up a large bowl piled with puri and went around putting two or three into the children's plates, even of those who were clearly dazed by the little mountain of food confronting them. Her mouth ached with having to smile and her throat hurt with all the words she tried to keep within herself.
'Take a deep breath. Don't lose your temper now,' she repeated to herself.
She heard snatches of conversation wherever she went, happy young voices discussing their feats during games, at school and elsewhere. For the first time she wondered if her daughter would ever talk like these children. Suddenly she wanted to cry. She grabbed a glass of water and drank it in one go, spilling
it down the front of her silk sari. She looked around for Ammu and saw her on Revabehn's lap high up on the staircase away from the children milling all over the room. The party lasted as long as the food did. Then the children trooped out and the women followed with their babies.
Mrs. Sharma and her friend hung back.
"Kamala, don't misunderstand us, we didn't mean to hurt you," said Mrs. Sharma and Mrs. Kumar nodded vigorously.
"It is all right. I don't want to talk about it. Thank you for coming. Good-night," Kamala closed the door firmly behind them as Raghu looked at her aghast.
"Kamala, what happened? Why were you so brusque with them?"
"You don't know those . . . those bitches! They come to my house and insult me to my face!"
"What did they say?"
"I don't want to repeat it. I'm so angry. I wish I had never held this party. Nothing like this would have happened then," she ran to the bedroom.
Raghu raised his eyebrows questioningly at Revabehn but the maid didn't know what it was about either. He left her to clean the room and followed his wife inside.
***
4
hat's the matter?" asked Raghu.
Kamala sank her face deeper into the pillow and refused to answer. Ammu crawled to her and tried to climb on her back. Raghu put her on the ground.
"Come on Kamala, you are crying on a day like this? You are exhausted. . . right? No? Okay, tell me what those women said that has upset you so much."
She lifted her head. "Those blasted women! What do they think of themselves?"
"You are letting some strangers spoil your mood. Whatever they said can't be all that important. Forget them. Get up. If we don't clear the front room we'll be faced with the trash tomorrow morning. I don't want to see paper plates and cups strewn all over the place as soon as I wake up so let's do it now," he got up to leave but she pulled him down by his hand.
"They were commenting on Ammu, on how difficult it must be to look after her . . . as if I asked them for help. They also said that when she grows up it'll be even more difficult to handle her."
Amrita Page 4