Amrita

by Usha Rajagopalan

  "I told you to ignore them," he replied.

  "What kind of an answer is this? I want to teach them a lesson for thinking that their child is perfect and mine is not and you're telling me to keep quiet."

  "Don't get into any trouble, let things be."

  "I won't. They can't insult my daughter and get away with it."

  "Kamala, be reasonable. They didn't say anything wrong. . ."

  She pounced on him.

  "What do you mean 'they didn't say anything wrong'? Everything is wrong in what they said. Why are you taking their side?"

  "There's no question of sides here. Ammu is my daughter but those women were not entirely off the mark either."

  "So, you also think that she's a difficult child? How can you say such a thing? I look after her myself totally so that you're not troubled in any way. If at all anybody should complain, it's me and I'm not saying a word against my baby."

  "Whether you like it or not, the fact remains that we will not have a very easy time with her. After all, we do know that she's not normal. How are we. . . okay, you. How are you going to handle her? What will happen when we grow old? Who will look after her? That's what those women meant.

  "When did you become an advocate of those bitches? Do you realise that it is your own daughter you're talking about? You think I don't worry about these things? That's the reason I work so hard on her, trying to make her as independent as possible, even when you complain that I don't spend enough time with you. . . ."

  "Ammu is our problem but we should have a life of our own. I've already told you this before. If we bury ourselves completely in her then there is no life for us, no hope, no future."

  " Wah, great words! They only prove what I've always suspected – that you are a selfish man. You wouldn't care what happens to my daughter or to me as long as you are happy, as long as you are not disturbed in any way. And what will make you happy? Going to the club, meeting your friends, showing off. . ."

  "Watch it, Kamala."

  "Don't threaten me. What will you do if I tell you some more truths? That you married me to forget your past? You thought I didn't know that? My brother hinted to me before our wedding that you were marrying me on the rebound. Some woman ditched you and you found me, another victim. Who knows how many more were there like her? Come to think of it, the way you are supporting those women, the way you stay away from Amrita and me, these are not natural. It is these doings of yours that has got us into this situation, saddled us with such a child. There's no need to look stunned. I've been ignoring it all these days but now that we have opened the can of worms, tell me the truth. What was she to you, that lucky woman who escaped your clutches?"

  "What's the matter with you? You are getting worked up for no reason at all. You are just imagining things. There's no one in my life except you. . ."

  "Oh yes? Then this wouldn't have happened."

  "Absurd . . . not that I'm saying I did anything wrong," he added quickly.

  "That's what you'll say now anyway. The least you can do is to tell me the name of the woman who had the sense to have her fun with you and toss you aside like banana skin when she was through. I will know whom to curse for my fall."

  "I'm telling you there was no one. You're just looking for trouble. Why else would you twist my words from somewhere to somewhere else? If this is how you're going to talk then I don't want to listen to you any more."

  He left the room slamming the door behind him, almost knocking Revabehn down.

  "Two people can play this game. I don't want to have anything to do with you either. Having given birth to this girl I will look after her till the end. You can do whatever you want, I don't care!" she called behind him.

  Raghu had not only walked out of the room but out of the house as well.

  "Sa'ab went off in such a temper!" Revabehn pounced on Kamala. "Why did you make him so angry? It is not good."

  Kamala forced herself to be calm and began to pick up the cups and plates. The old woman resumed her work still muttering under her breath.

  "God knows where Sa'ab has gone. I hope he doesn't do anything drastic."

  "What can he do? He won't do anything rash," replied Kamala, more to reassure herself than the maid.

  "I wish you hadn't said anything. I didn't feel so bad even when you told me what's wrong with bitiya as I am feeling now. . . ."

  "You don't know how it has been troubling me all these days, Revabehn. I couldn't keep quiet any longer. Why should I suffer for his wrongdoing?" Kamala asked, drying the glasses. She didn't want to confide in the maid but it was a relief to be able to talk to someone freely since Raghu had always dismissed her fears and anxieties as foolish.

  "I agree with Sa'ab on one thing – bitiya is not a punishment."

  Kamala turned to the maid, anger flaring in her eyes once again.

  "So, like him, you think I'm exaggerating? By ignoring her condition it'll go away? I've read too much about it to know better. The only thing I can do is to make her as independent as possible. This is what I've been trying to do with her all these days except that I don't seem to be making any progress at all. I'm scared, Revabehn, very scared."

  "Then pray for strength to bear your troubles. Now sit down and relax. I will finish the rest of the work and leave. It is already late and the children will wonder what happened to me," she began to sweep the room vigorously, her wide skirt flouncing in her hurry to leave.

  Kamala shut the door behind the maid and waited for Raghu to return. Amrita woke up and cried. She brought her to the drawing room and rocked the baby to sleep on her lap.

  It was way past mid-night and her eyes drooped. She was not used to late nights. The baby was heavy on her lap. She wanted to put her back on the bed but felt too sleepy to get up. She had been busy throughout the day but more than that, it was her quarrel with Raghu that had left her drained. However exhausted in mind and body, she wasn't going to bed without ensuring that he was back home. This was the first time he had gone off in a huff so late at night and she had no idea what he would do, where he would go.

  "Where can he be?"

  Her voice breaking the quietness of the room disturbed Amrita, who was still sleeping on her lap. Kamala got up, put her on the bed and went back to her chair.

  "Could I have imagined it? No, my brother won't lie to me even if others did. He was moving around with someone in college. That was so long ago, she must have forgotten him by now. I shouldn't have raised the topic today when both of us were tired. I had been looking forward to Ammu's first birthday so much! It was my fault. I could have simply ignored those women and not mentioned anything to Raghu. How can their words hurt us or worsen our plight? Words shouldn't have such power. Now my accusations have driven him out of the house. Where's he now? When will he return? Whom can I telephone? I don't want to involve anyone else in this and have the whole thing come out and multiply. You can't gag people's mouths. As it is I wonder what those two women will say to others. Tchah, I've made matters worse for myself. If only he would come home now. . . . I must apologise to him."

  Despite her intention to stay awake till he returned, Kamala dozed off as she sat in the chair. A muffled sound outside the front door stirred her. She stretched her legs stiffly, wondering why her bed was uncomfortable. Awareness slowly dawned on her. Raghu! She looked at the clock. It was 2.25 a.m. She heard a noise outside, as if someone was scraping the metal disc around the keyhole. She tiptoed to the door and kept her ear against it.

  A slurred "Damn" was followed by the sound of a key bunch falling on the cemented ground. Kamala opened the door cautiously, not more than a mere slit and peeped. Raghu stood outside swaying unsteadily, the naked low watt bulb on one end of the corridor casting deep shadows on his face.

  "Oh my God, what happened?" She threw the door open and Raghu fell inside.

  A strong stench assailed her and Kamala covered her nose and mouth. She steeled herself and helped him to his feet but he was in no condition to st
and on his own. Holding the wall for support with one hand, the other firmly around him, she staggered inside. He was a tall, well-built man and she was no match for him physically. A few steps later, her legs wobbled and her body protested at the weight that it had to bear. She loosened her grip and let him slide to the ground.

  "I can't move an inch more with you," she said, standing over him, arms akimbo and chest heaving with exertion. "You'll have to sleep it off here, on the floor. You deserve it for causing me so much trouble. What did you hope to achieve by this? Forget us, your problems? Or forget your girl friends?"

  He lay on his back snoring with whistles and grunts, completely unaware of her anger. She left him where he was and went to bed.

  Only a few hours remained for daybreak. The thick curtains blocked the coral red of the early morning sun. She felt Raghu's length along her back and instinctively turned to him, forgetting the tension and bitterness that had held them apart. With his arms wrapped around her, she felt safe and secure. She wondered sleepily why she had not sought his refuge before. She ran her hand down his bare back and let the coarse hair on his body tickle her palm. There was such pleasure in feeling him with her hands, with her tongue, with all of her. It had been a long time since she had done any of these.

  Ever since they found out about Amrita's condition she had been so scared of conceiving again that she had used some pretext or the other to dissuade Raghu. She had watched him meekly accept her reluctance sometimes or, more often, seen him storm out of the room and sleep elsewhere. This was the first time she had surrendered to him totally and she was also the first to realise what had happened.

  She sat up on the bed, shocked into awareness. The curtains kept out most of the sunlight but the room was no longer dark as before. Raghu was fast asleep.

  "What have we done? After those arguments and discussions! How could we have forgotten all that? I don't even know when he came to the bed. What if the worst happens? I can't have another child with the same problem. And look at this man, sleeping so innocently!"

  She shook him vigorously till he opened his eyes.

  "How could we do this?" she asked.

  "Eh?" his eyes were bloodshot and dazed.

  "Wake up!"

  "Okay . . . okay. . . What's the matter?"

  "Didn't we decide not to have another baby?"

  "So early in the morning . . . you woke me up to say this?" he slurred and slumped on the bed again.

  "No, you won't!" She snatched Ammu's feeding bottle, poured water into her hand and sprinkled it on Raghu's face.

  He sat up again, shaking his head.

  "Stop it! Don't irritate. . ."

  "Then listen to me. Do you realise what we've done?"

  Raghu stared blankly at her and then smiled groggily, "No wonder I feel so sleepy. I read somewhere that it's the best medicine for insomnia." He laid back and closed his eyes once more.

  "If you don't get up this instant I'll empty the bottle over your head!"

  He opened his eyes slightly and looked at her through his long lashes.

  "Didn't we decide not to have another baby?" she asked him again.

  "So? Doing it once doesn't mean hitting the bull's eye. It happens only in movies. The villain rapes the heroine and . . . bang!"

  "Stop talking like an idiot. I'm trying to be serious."

  "What do you want me to do? Nothing may have happened after all. I'm just a human not a stud-horse. Okay, okay! Wait and see what happens. Why worry about it now itself? Admit you enjoyed it as much as I did even though I was not quite awake. My head is still buzzing. I do wish you'd leave me alone for some time. God, what a time to talk about such things when I can barely keep my eyes open," he turned away from her.

  "What about going to work? Do you realise that it is. . ." She looked at the clock, "Oh no, it is past 8.30! How could I sleep for so long? Ammu?" she turned anxiously to the crib. Amrita was wide-awake and smiling. Kamala felt her bottom.

  "Chee, you dirty girl! Why didn't you wake me?" she began to clean the baby while Raghu gratefully went back to sleep.

  During the next few weeks Kamala rushed to the toilet at every instant of doubt. She kept her fears to herself since she didn't want another showdown with Raghu, but that didn't stop her from feeling tensed and irritable. She couldn't concentrate on her household chores. She didn't feel like playing with her daughter. She only wanted to sit in seclusion and not see anyone, least of all her husband.

  Nothing has happened. Nothing can happen, she told herself a hundred times but till she saw the first spot, the merest stain, she couldn't relax. She looked at the calendar, counted the days on her fingers and tried to remember earlier occasions when she had been late.

  I have always been more regular than a clock. If only it would start on time I'd be so relieved! Ganesha, I'll break ten coconuts at your altar if only you listen to my prayer. Everybody comes to you when they are starting a new enterprise but I want you to end this misery and uncertainty.

  Her due date seemed to approach very slowly. It came and went without anything happening.

  Tension can delay it. I should unwind. How?

  Her agitation grew. She began to think that her stomach was showing, that she felt a slight movement within her, that her appetite had increased and that she found food nauseating. She finally told her fears to Raghu, who dismissed them with a sweep of his hand.

  "Imagination, nothing else. Or it could be gas. Don't eat potatoes for a couple of days and you'll be all right."

  Nothing helped. She was now scared to count or look at the calendar. The days that had crawled earlier now seemed to race. One day she worked up courage and calculated, double checking her count. She had crossed 45 days! That morning she went to the doctor who confirmed her suspicion. She had conceived.

  "I don't want this baby or any other. I'm through. It's enough that we have Amrita. No more. I'm going in for abortion," she declared to Raghu.

  "Fine, if that's what you want but wait for another few days. We have to give Ammu the booster shot now that she has crossed one year. Get it done after that. We can ask Dr. Bhatt to suggest someone reliable."

  "I was going to tell you to have another child," said the doctor. "This is what we tell all such parents. It will be good, both for you and for the older child to have a sibling. There is no reason to fear that the next child will also have the same defect. You can get an amniocentesis done and find out if the foetus has any abnormality. If everything is all right, you should go ahead and have the baby."

  "I'm scared, doctor," said Kamala. "What if the test is not reliable? What if the baby turns out like the elder one?"

  "Nothing is in our hands. It could be a perfect pregnancy, even then something could go terribly wrong during the delivery or even after the birth of the child. I can only tell you that an amniocentesis will not cause any problem, either to you or to the baby. You can get it done here, in our hospital. I can refer you to a specialist, Dr. Vijaya. She will attend to you personally. What do you say?"

  Kamala looked at her husband. She was not keen on going through the pregnancy but she also felt that another child, a normal one, might bring her closer to Raghu. He might begin to spend more time at home rather than at the club, as he had been doing of late. Maybe a son might. . . she. checked herself.

  "We have to think over this, doctor. We'll come back to you in a day or two. We had been very sure that we didn't want another baby but now you've put us in a quandary."

  Raghu left the decision to her.

  After getting me into trouble in the first place, he's backing out. Perhaps the doctor is right. Another child might bridge the gap the first one caused between us. As for looking after two children . . . would that really be so difficult? So many women have half a dozen or more. My own mother brought up three though one died later. I did have lots of fun with my brothers.

  She had grown up playing cricket, football and cycling with her brothers and their friends, all boys. By the time s
he realised that she was physically different from them she had lost interest in their games. From being a tomboy and everybody's despair she became her mother's closest friend and greatest comfort, especially when her younger brother died in an accident a few years later.

  The second child might be our support when we are old and I won't have to worry about Ammu, she thought.

  Maya was born in due course, a healthy, normal baby so different from her sister and so like her mother in appearance.

  "You are dark but you'll get a handsome husband like I did," she whispered into the baby's ear. "What name shall we give you? Krishna, since you're so dark or Shyama? Krishna sounds like a boy and Shyama is difficult on the tongue. You will have a light, gentle name that slips off the tongue easily. Hmmm. . .? Maya! Yes, we'll call you Maya. It's another name for Lakshmi, the goddess of prosperity. You'll bring happiness to our home. I know you will!"

  She infused Raghu with similar enthusiasm and they decided to make a fresh start. They would move to another house, away from troublemakers like Mrs. Sharma. The new house would be an independent one, more spacious than their rented flat and they would be the owner not the tenant.

  Raghu used his wide contacts and located a suitable house, the one that they continue to occupy, and named it after both their daughters, 'Mayamrita'.

  "This is the right kind of environment for our children," said Kamala. "Lots of space for the girls to move around and, best of all, no nosy neighbour to find out what is wrong with our daughter. Revabehn is also happy since this house is closer to where she stays."

  Her relief that at least her second child was normal buoyed her and gave her the patience to bring up two young children, each with such different needs. Maya started walking when she was barely eight months old and her elder sister Amrita had just about managed to stand steadily for a few minutes at a stretch. In no time, Maya began to use all the space outside and inside the house. She ran the whole day, away from Revabehn, into her mother in the kitchen, in the way of the swing when Raghu relaxed or tried to. Short of tying her up, Kamala did not know how to restrain her daughter. She had to for Maya was always hurting herself. Before she turned one, she had bruises and scars all over her little body, that upset her mother no end.