“Thanks, Penny, but right now I can’t even afford you.”
The day passes in a blur as I prepare the defense for the Redemption case and read through the unintelligible medical reports. I research broken bones and street fighting, trying to understand how two men could suffer the exact same injuries. Desperately in need of medical advice, I call Drake to ask a few questions. He offers to bring me some of his old medical school books and, since he’ll be in the area on his way home, he can also help me wade through the medical reports. Oh, and since it’s dinnertime, he’ll bring Chinese.
For a brief moment, I wonder if this is a good idea, given Jake’s raging bull tendencies and his antipathy toward Drake. But this is work and I’m on a deadline. Plus, Jake should be happy I’ve actually asked for help. And we’ll be in my office, not my house. So it should all be good.
Two hours later, over chow mein and orange duck washed down with a crisp but unexpected bottle of Chardonnay, Drake and I sift through the medical reports. I take copious notes as he explains all the abbreviations and cryptic messages, and then flags pages in the reference books that discuss how bones are broken, where the force needs to be applied, and the types of breakages one can expect in hand-to-hand combat.
Finally I have had enough. Head spinning from too many gory pictures, I toss my notepad on the couch beside me, kick off my shoes, and put my feet up on the table, Ray style. Drake settles back on the cushions beside me.
“So…do I conclude from Jake’s performance the other night, you two are back together?”
“I guess so.”
He gives me a quizzical look. “You don’t sound convinced.”
“It’s all kind of intense.” I twist my bracelet around my wrist. “I haven’t been in a serious relationship since he and I broke up. I think I’m out of practice. I keep thinking he’s going to leave or it’s not right…”
Drake taps the back of my hand and raises an admonishing eyebrow. “You were in a relationship with me.”
My skin prickles and I jerk my hand away. “We weren’t in a relationship. We were friends with benefits. There’s a big difference.”
“You’re right.” He sighs and pats my knee. “I just never expected to fall for you. It complicated things. At least for me.”
Annnnd I’m off the couch. “Drake…” I lean against Penny’s desk, hoping I’ve put enough distance between us. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He twists his lips to the side and shrugs. “I know what you’re like. You keep everyone at a distance, always protecting yourself. I didn’t want to scare you away.”
Nausea roils in my belly. What’s wrong with me? Why do I hurt everyone I care about? Why can’t I give what everyone wants? “You’re a special friend to me, but I don’t feel the same way about you. What we had was temporary. I’ve seen how happy Makayla is with Max, and I want what she has. I want something that will last.”
He slumps back against the cushions. “But not with me.”
My stomach clenches at the defeated expression on his face. “Not in that way. I enjoy being with you. We have a lot of fun together. But in the morning, we can both walk away. I don’t want to be able to walk away. I want to ache at the thought of walking away.”
His jaw tightens and he clenches his fist on his knee. “Is that how you feel about him?”
The word comes out before my mind has even sifted through the tangle of emotion twisted around my heart. “Yes.”
And it’s true. Even now I ache for him, already my fingers are twitching in anticipation of the moment Drake leaves and I can send Jake a text.
Drake gathers up his things in silence and then sighs. “Don’t forget: you left him, Amanda. And you had good reasons for it. You should take some time to think about why you pushed him away in the first place and whether it will be worth the heartache when you find yourself in that place again.”
***
A gentle touch on my cheek pulls me out of a dream about Jake and me on Max’s kinky desk at Redemption. Every hidden D-ring was in use, his warm hands were on my body, and his deep voice rumbled in my ear.
“Wake up, baby.”
My eyes open to the semidarkness of my office reception room and blue eyes glittering in the moonlight beside me.
I bolt awake, shooting up on the couch, heart pounding. Jake puts an arm around me and whispers soothing nonsense in my ear as he threads his fingers through my hair.
“Did I text you?”
He gives me a puzzled look. “No. Were you trying to text me?”
Head still woozy, I lean into his chest. “I was trying to drunk text you. Fortunately, I didn’t succeed. But how did you get in?”
Jake strokes his hand up and down my back, and I fight back the urge to purr. “Your landlord has a key. Very useful when he’s trying to find you. Saves him from breaking down doors.”
I bury my face in his neck, breathing in his fresh, clean scent of soap and the essence of him. “Mmmm. I’d like to see you break down a door. I think it would be hot.”
Jake laughs. “You think everything is hot.”
“Only when you’re involved.”
He sits back on the couch and pulls me into his arms. The table in front of us is littered with a sea of takeaway cartons, medical reference books, and diagrams of arms and bones.
“Working late? Please don’t tell me you drink and draft.”
Relaxed in his arms, floating on a sea of endorphins, my mind still fuzzy from sleep, I murmur, “No. Drake was here. He was teaching me about broken arms.”
Jake stiffens. Moments later I am alone on the couch and he is pacing the floor in front of me. “Drake was here?”
“For work stuff, that’s all. I needed medical advice for the Redemption case.”
He flicks the wine bottle with his thumb and forefinger, and it crashes to the ground. “Do you usually drink while you’re working? Or eat, for that matter? Why didn’t I know you like Chinese food?”
“Jake.” My voice rises in pitch as our moment of intimacy crumbles. “It’s over between us. He was just here as a friend to help out.” I struggle to my feet, but when I take a step toward Jake, he holds up his hand.
“What’s over?”
Damn. Damn. Damn. The last thing I wanted was for him to know my relationship with Drake went beyond that one night he caught us together. And explaining the whole friends with benefits thing…there’s just no way he’s going to understand. I take a deep, calming breath and choose my next words carefully.
“You know Drake and I…were together. And that’s over.”
“When?”
Oh God. I can’t tell him I cleared up any misconceptions Drake might have had tonight. “That’s hard…um…we haven’t been together for a long time. Months. Four or five at least.”
“Did you fuck him tonight?” His eyes glitter in the shadows and I wince at his harsh words, anger edging into my fear.
“No. Of course not. You’re totally overreacting.”
His hands clench and unclench, and his biceps quiver beneath the sleeves of his T-shirt. For the longest time he just stares at me, jaw clenched, chest heaving. “But you were drinking with him. Alone. Here.”
My stomach twists in knots, and unwanted images flood my mind. Farnsworth’s blue file. My father’s words in the hospital. Jake’s face when he walked in on Drake and me two years ago. But what have I done wrong? Certainly nothing to warrant his accusatory tone. Or his lack of trust. And definitely nothing that would explain the guilt worming a hole through my heart. All that stands between us is a past we cannot shake.
“Maybe you should go, Jake. We can talk about it tomorrow when you’re calm and I’ve got a clear head.”
He startles at my words. I don’t know if he expected tears or anger or excuses, but he’s getting none of them from me. He’s judged me and found me
wanting. Even more than when I judge myself.
Without a word, he grabs his backpack and walks out the door.
***
“Well, that was just stupid,” Makayla snaps when I call her in Fiji to tell her it’s over. Although I don’t like to disturb her on vacation, the most desolate moments in a person’s life must be shared with best friends when and as they happen.
“Which part?” I push off my comforter and let the cool breeze blow over my skin, imagining I’m lying on an exotic beach beside her, but it does nothing to ease my discomfort. I ache all over and nothing will make the pain go away.
“All of it. First, inviting Drake over in the evening. Second, drinking alone with Drake. You know what’s he’s like. You saw him with me. He gloms on to you and then he won’t let go until someone hits him over the head with a fire extinguisher. Third, telling Jake he was there.”
“It was pretty obvious. There were two wineglasses and enough food for an army.”
Makayla gives a derisory sniff. “Fourth and worst, you sent him away. I can’t believe you did that. How could you send him away?”
My hand clenches around the phone. “He didn’t trust me. And one day he’s going to find out about the file and realize he was right. I am the person he thinks I am.”
Silence.
“Makayla?” I sit up in the bed. “Makayla?”
“Did you sleep with Drake?”
“No, of course not.”
She sighs. “Then you’re not the person you think he thinks you are. You’re the person who is letting the past define her. You’re letting Farnsworth and his damn file define you. No one cares what happened before. No one cares if you slept with ten guys or fifty. Do you think your friends wouldn’t be your friends if they read that file? Do you think I would love you any less? Do you really think it matters to Jake?”
My throat tightens until I can barely breathe. “But…”
She draws in a ragged breath. “What matters to him is now. He wants to know you’re with him and only him now. He cares about you, Amanda. He cares enough to show up at your office late at night. He cares enough to be upset that you were drinking with your ex and not just an ex, the ex you left him for. He respects you enough to leave when you asked him to go.”
Sick remorse floods my veins. “I should never have asked him to go.”
“Oh, honey. The real issue is that you let him in and now you’re scared.” Her voice softens. “I get that. I felt that with Max. But you have the benefit of knowing what happens if you push him away. You know how it feels and you know this time there will be no second chances. He wants you, Amanda. All of you. The good and the bad. Don’t be afraid this time. Give yourself to him. You know he would never hurt you.”
Chapter 17
YOU’VE NEVER BEEN SPANKED?
Lucky for me, Makayla has no qualms about searching Max’s phone for Jake’s new address, and I have no trouble finding his new apartment in the SOMA district. After following a couple through the security doors, I take the elevator up to the penthouse—a big change from when we were first going out and Jake shared a house with five other guys, assorted pizza boxes, and a cockroach named Fred.
My heart pounds faster and faster, and by the time the elevator doors slide open, my pulse is racing so wildly I can barely breathe. What the hell am I doing? It’s midnight. He doesn’t know I’m here. I could easily turn around and be home in less than an hour, saving myself further heartache. But by the time my mind has decided to leave, my feet are already moving, and suddenly I’m in a long, spacious, red-carpeted hallway, and the elevator door is closing behind me.
The walk to the sole door at the end of the corridor takes forever. I count the trendy spotlights in the ceiling, and admire the abstract red and blue prints on the stark white walls. My steps follow the rhythm of my pounding heart. Tap. Bang. Tap. Bang. By the time I reach Jake’s door, I’m out of breath, shivering like the potted palm in the corner. Mustering what little courage I have left, I knock softly on the door.
Silence.
Maybe I should go.
But before I can turn away, the door swings open.
Chest heaving, fight shorts clinging to his narrow hips, bare torso glistening with sweat, Jake studies me, his face an expressionless mask.
Go big or go home.
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out. “I just keep messing everything up.”
Without a word, he lifts me in his arms, spins me around into his apartment, and kicks the door shut.
Afraid to look at his face, I lean my forehead against his chest and squeeze my eyes closed. “I called Drake to ask some questions about broken bones. He showed up with his medical books and dinner. We’re good friends, Jake, but I’ve never felt anything more than that for him. I told him I wanted to be with you and he left. Nothing happened.”
He cups my face between his hands, and I look into eyes, as deep and blue as the ocean, as warm as the summer sand.
“You came to me. Nothing else matters.” He kisses me slowly, sweetly, maneuvering me until I hit the door. Then he deepens the kiss. Greedy, hard, and hungry, his tongue works past my lips to rasp over the inside of my mouth, each stroke sending tiny shock waves down to my core.
“Jake…I need to explain…”
“Shhhh, baby. You. Here. Tells me everything I need to know.” He trails butterfly kisses along my jaw and then up to the sensitive spot behind my ear. I tilt my head to give him better access and he growls his approval.
“I want you so much, it scares me,” I whisper. “I thought for a second at my office you didn’t want me, so I tried to push you away.”
“I want you too, baby. I fucking ache with wanting you. Been working out all evening trying to make that feeling go away, but all I keep thinking about is how soft and sexy you looked in my arms last night, and how lucky I am to have found a smart, sweet, attorney with a big heart, a whole lot of determination, and a bent for kinky sex.”
A warm, melty feeling pools in my belly. He’s been thinking about me. “I like this look.” I glide my hands over his chest, still damp from his workout, then follow the trail of soft curls to the waistband of his shorts. “You’re all pumped and sweaty, and you look like you want to pound on someone. But you have to rein it in sometimes. Talk instead of fight. Tonight…the way you reacted…it almost scared me away.”
A pained expression crosses his face. “That bastard sets me off like no one else. He knows we’re together. I’ve made sure of it. And yet he pulls a stunt like he did today. I just want to beat the crap out of him.”
“He’s my friend, Jake. I can’t stop seeing my friends because you don’t like them.” I run my finger along the inside edge of his fight shorts and tug him gently toward me. “But I should have thought about how it might look to you. Next time I plan on meeting up with him, I’ll invite you along.”
A low growl erupts from his throat. “Friendship is the last thing on his mind. Trust me on this one. I know.”
“So you’re still going to pound on him?”
Jake chuckles and covers my hand with his own, sliding my palm over the steel of his erection straining against his fight shorts. “I want to pound in someone—my girl. I wanna love her and make her feel so good. But first, I’m gonna spank her ass for making me think I lost her.”
“Oh God.” My heart skips a beat, then slams against my ribs.
Jake’s voice drops to a rough, husky growl. “Then I’ll keep you on edge until you’re dripping with arousal and begging me to let you come.”
I breathe out a soft “oh,” and he gives me a wicked grin.
“It’s gonna be a long night.”
He gives me no time to mull over the sweet sentiment or ponder whether his words mean he forgives me, because I am suddenly whisked away from the door and bent over his dining table, my cheek and breasts pressed tigh
t against the cool, polished wood surface.
“What happened to loving me and making me feel good?” I strain to check out Jake’s new place from my bent-over-the-table vantage point.
“You’re too fucking sexy. I’ll spank you first, then I’ll make it better.” He grunts his annoyance when I push myself up to my elbows and then slaps my ass. The sharp sting makes me gasp, and I am suddenly very grateful I am still wearing my clothes.
“Don’t move. Gotta get a box of condoms.” He crosses the room in front of me and heads toward the raised platform where his massive low-rise bed is situated. Big and comfy-looking. Much comfier than a table.
“A box? Not just one or even five?”
He looks back over his shoulder and his eyebrow lifts. “You walk around in your tight little suit, we need five. You make me think it’s over and then you appear at my door in the middle of the night with your eyes all big and soft, your heart open, and your hair looking like you just got out of bed, we need a box.”
“I see we’re not wasting any time with foreplay.” I rest my chin in my hands and mentally drool as he bends over the night table, giving me an unobstructed view of his ass outlined to perfection by the thin fabric of his fight shorts. “Your girl shows up at your door, you bend her over the table, take her hard and fast, maybe order a pizza, grab a beer, and watch some TV. I’ll bet it’s every man’s dream.”
The warning look he gives me, cold and calculating, sends a shiver down my spine. I always seem to take it that one step too far.
“Jeans, panties, and shirt off.”
I suck in a sharp breath and heat flushes my cheeks. What is it about his voice that makes everything inside me melt? Or maybe it isn’t just his voice, but his tone. Confident. Commanding. Unyielding.
In Your Corner Page 21