by Zoë S. Roy
“Where is the tea house?” she asked, using a question from the book. His smiling face delighted her. He’s right. I still have a chance of being accepted by other universities, she thought, which made her feel better.
“Tea is…” Bob tried to form his own sentence in Chinese. “Nearby, in the coffee shop,” he said and with a flourish of his arm, he escorted her out of the library.
They stepped into the Krispy Kreme on Pleasant Street and lined up in front of the counter. Nina asked for a cup of hot chocolate; Bob ordered a large coffee and a chocolate chip cookie. Drinks in hand, they sat next to each other at a small table in the corner of the shop.
The hot chocolate warmed Nina. The cloud over her head seemed to have dissolved when Bob said, “The rejection isn’t the end of the world. There’re so many choices in life.” He wrapped his fingers around his cup, and leaning closer, he looked deeply into her eyes. “Do you think going to university is your only choice?”
“I think so,” she answered, curving her mouth into a smile. “I’m not used to having many choices but getting an education is my priority.”
Bob thought Nina looked lovely when she smiled. He hesitated only a moment, then bent his head to kiss her. But before his mouth touched her lips, she pushed him away in panic. “You have a girlfriend!” Nina sputtered. She had imagined such a romantic moment with Bob for some time now, but she never expected it would actually happen.
“Oh, we broke up a while ago,” he said, sitting straight up in his seat. Then he asked, “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Yes, but I don’t know where he is.” Nina bit her lip, feeling as if she had been drawn into a dark tunnel.
“What?” He had not anticipated such an answer. He turned to Nina and stared at her grief-stricken face. His heart softened.
He reached out to clasp her hand. His palm covered her fingers, and Nina felt a shiver of warmth spread throughout her body. Then Dahai’s face suddenly appeared before her eyes, so she withdrew her hand from Bob’s. “His name is Dahai.” She took a breath and began to tell Bob about him and how they had parted.
Bob listened attentively to Nina’s story. He was surprised at her idea of what it meant to have a boyfriend. “You don’t really have a boyfriend,” Bob said. “And you don’t have him now. You don’t even know where he is.” Bob pulled his chair closer to Nina and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “It’s time to start a new life.”
Again, the warmth from Bob’s arm spread along Nina’s back, and the image of Dahai disappeared. Nina sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder. “Where is your ex?”
“She’s gone to New York.”
“Why didn’t you go with her?”
“I don’t like big cities. Don’t think about her. Let’s talk about us instead.” Gently, Bob’s hand lifted her chin. As she stared into his clear blue eyes, his face moved slowly closer, and his mouth covered hers. Her heart pumped quickly. She was kissing another man now. A sense of guilt arose in her; she bent her head.
Bob saw the flicker of worry in her eyes. “What’s the matter?”
She did not answer but gave him a shy smile. Holding her cup, she sipped the hot chocolate, her heart still pounding. Such a sweet kiss, she thought, admitting to herself that she had enjoyed it though her guilt festered.
He walked her home after they left the coffee shop, and he kissed her again, a slow, lingering kiss that left her breathless, before saying goodbye. Her heart felt full when she saw Bob in the kitchen at work the following day, and suddenly the repetitive peeling and chopping of vegetables became less boring.
On the following Saturday, they met in the library as usual for their weekly tutoring session. Nina interpreted Bob’s sentences into Chinese and asked him to repeat them, but Nina could tell his heart wasn’t in it.
“What’s the problem?” Nina asked, her eyes full of concern.
He shook his head, then tipped her head up so that he could look into her eyes. “I don’t understand why you keep yourself for a person you may not see again for the rest of your life.”
Nina felt something invisible distancing them. She understood that Bob could not understand the way she had been shaped by a culture and customs so foreign to the American way of life. “Would you listen to a Chinese story that may help you understand me better?”
“Okay,” Bob said. “I’m listening.” He bent his head to focus on her quiet voice, and with a pen in his hand, he doodled on a piece of paper.
“A long time ago, a girl named Zhu went to school and met Liang, a young man. They fell in love, but Zhu’s family didn’t approve of her choice since Liang’s family was too poor. They arranged for Zhu to marry into a rich and powerful family.”
“Was she happy?” Bob asked with interest.
“No. When Liang died from depression and illness, Zhu’s heart was broken. On the way to her wedding ceremony, Zhu insisted on visiting Liang’s grave.”
“Did she find it?” he asked, wondering why Zhu couldn’t have simply refused to marry someone else, and why Liang had to die.
“Yes, she did. When she reached his tomb, it unexpectedly opened. Zhu threw herself into it, and the tomb closed over them both.”
“Dead people have no more tales,” he sighed.
“But the story goes on. Liang and Zhu changed into two beautiful butterflies in their next lives and met every day above the tomb.”
Bob’s eyes dimmed; a perplexed look came over his face. “Do you mean you want to be with Dahai even if he is dead?”
“No, no,” Nina cleared her throat. “I mean, we have different ideas about love,” she said hesitantly.
“Tell me what you mean.”
“To me, a relationship between a woman and man should last forever or at least for a very long time. I don’t understand how you can forget your ex-girlfriend, someone you used to love, so quickly.”
“I live in the present,” Bob said with a rueful smile. “I live in this moment, but you seem to live in the past. You still imagine that Dahai is somehow with you.”
“This is how we are different,” she said. “I need a little more time to get over my past.”
He placed his hand over hers and nodded. I can wait, he thought.
Several weeks later, on a Saturday in early May, Bob took Nina on a ride to Popham Beach State Park. The woods of spruce and pine along the road blanketed the land and stretched to the horizon. Some ponds and lakes that had recently awakened from winter were now steaming in the bright sun. Nina had almost forgotten what it was like to be in nature after spending so much time running around from room to room and from building to building in the city. The sunshine and oxygen-rich air cleared her stress and tiredness and reconnected her with Mother Earth.
While reaching a bend in the road, Bob slowed the car. Nina suddenly screamed in excitement. “Look! There is a big animal wandering along the road!”
“It’s a moose. This is a moose zone.” Bob slowed the car down almost to stop so they could watch the moose cross in front of them. He was inordinately pleased to see her delighted face, and he grinned along with her.
After they arrived, Bob parked the car in a lot, and they headed to the shoreline. They wandered along the pristine beach, felt the wind skimming over the water, and watched the white caps roll in under the bright sunlight. Seagulls squawked in the air over them; flocks of shorebirds and sanderlings hopped around. They walked hand in hand, stepping over and remarking on the clumps of seaweed mixed with grains of sand, broken lobster traps, missing ballasts or runners, strangely shaped pieces of wood eroded by the tides, pebbles, and seashells that lay scattered along the beach.
The blue-green of the ocean and the salty sea air was refreshing and they were both lulled by the lapping of the waves against the sand. Nina could not deny her affection for Bob, or her attraction to him, which now seemed to swirl around inside her
. Dahai was completely forgotten. She stopped to turn, and lifted her face up to Bob’s. She looked deeply into his eyes, her lips parted and she drew in a breath. Her desire for him was as keen as the sea breeze that washed lightly over them. When he bent over her, she wrapped her arms around his waist. Bob embraced her tightly. He felt her trembling. “Are you cold?”
“A little bit. How about you?” she asked, her hand caressing his face.
He released her from his arms, pulled off his sweater, and eased it over her. It looked like a sack dangling in the wind on her slight frame. “Let’s go back and get my jacket from the car.” They trudged like toddlers against the wind, hand in hand, their arms swinging all the way to the car. He put on his jacket and pulled a backpack out of the back seat. “Let’s go hiking in the woods. It’ll be less windy there.” Laden with the pack, he led the way to a hidden path.
“I’ll hang off your back if I’m too tired to move,” answered Nina with a giggle.
They hiked along the trail covered with fallen pine needles and withered leaves from the previous fall. Warblers sang cheerfully to their mates while sunshine danced through branches.
They returned to the parking lot much later in the afternoon, both tired and hot from the long hike. They threw their empty juice bottles and potato chip bags into the garbage bin. Bob looked up into the sky. “It may rain.” He opened the door of the passenger’s seat for Nina, and then slid into the driver’s seat.
Halfway home, a raging thunderstorm caught them. The downpour fell on the windshield, and the wipers moved up and down quickly, but they were not quick enough to clear the glass. It became difficult to see the road, so Bob slowed the car to check the road signs, and asked Nina to look for a motel on her side of the road. As soon as they spotted one, Bob pulled his car in and stopped at the front door. They got out of the car and rushed to the outdoor hallway. Bob went into the office and checked in. Nina wondered if she should get another room. She hesitated to follow Bob who led the way to a door and opened it with a key in his hand. Bob switched on the light and she was relieved to see there were two beds inside. “Do we have a chance of getting home today?” she asked.
“Are you afraid I’m going to eat you?” He teased her by touching her head. “It’s raining too hard to continue right now. Go dry your hair. It’s wet.” Then he plopped into a chair and turned on the TV.
When she stepped out of the bathroom, Bob pointed at a couple of Pepsi cans, more potato chips, and some May West cakes on the table. “This is all I could get from the motel.”
The thunder roared, and the wind blew with rain. Nina sat into the chair next to him. “Well, it’s not too bad for our supper.”
After Nina called Eileen to explain the delay, she went to the window to pull the curtain shut. “Except for the rain,” she said, turning to face him. “I’m enjoying this trip very much.”
Bob walked to her and stretched his arms around her back, gently pulling her to him. “I feel the same.” He kissed her eyes, cheeks, and neck. “Do you enjoy this?” he asked. As an answer, she kissed him back. “Can I touch you?” he asked and took her silence as permission. His hand explored under her blouse. He felt her body stiffen and then soften. He lifted her and placed her on the bed. He took off his T-shirt and then slowly unbuttoned her clothing.
“No,” she whispered.
“Why not if we both enjoy it?” He stopped touching her. “What has the ancient butterfly done to you?”
“It’s nothing to do with the butterfly. It’s a moral issue.” She sat up abruptly.
He sat next to her and gently stroked her hair. “We’re both free. I don’t see the problem.”
“But we’re not married,” Nina finally said under her breath. “I mean, premarital sex is immoral.”
“What?” He stared at her curiously. “What century are you living in? If people don’t have sex before they marry, how can they know if they suit each other? I think these so-called rules prevent you from enjoying life.” When he noticed the determined set of her jaw and the steely look on her face, he got up and went to lie on the other bed.
A lump swelled in Nina’s throat. She had been taught that premarital sex was wrong, but her body yearned for Bob’s touch, and in her mind she kept thinking about what Bob had said. “Sex is pleasure that can be equally enjoyed by men and women.” She asked herself, Do I enjoy being with Bob? What’s wrong if I make love with him? But what if Dahai is still alive?
While she debated this with herself, Nina felt her mind grow heavy. She dreamed she was wandering on a riverbank and beneath the moonlight, the surface of the river looked silver white and smooth, floating quietly in front of her. In the distance, she could hear a familiar melody, which she recognized as the song “Moon River,” drifting over the water and coming toward her. That’s a beautiful song!
She sauntered along the bank and bent over the water. Her fingers touched the liquid, and she felt its lukewarm caress. A couple of yellow downy ducklings swam over to her but then turned around before she could touch them. She could not help wading into the stream. Eventually, the water came to her waist and then to her shoulders as she waded forward. Looking around, she did not see any ducklings but found herself naked.
She was anxious to get dressed, but she couldn’t find her clothing. She crossed her arms to cover her breasts even though nobody was around, but then she relaxed. Peacefully, she swam in the Moon River, with her arms stretching out and her feet kicking through the smooth surface.
A familiar voice called out, “Nina!” She raised her head and saw a human figure on the river bank, but she couldn’t tell if it was Dahai or Bob.
“Wait up!” she cried out.
Feeling a hand touch her forehead, she opened her eyes. “Are you all right?” asked Bob, kneeling on the floor by her bed.
“I had an odd dream,” she murmured. “Do you know the song ‘Moon River’?”
“You want to talk about a song in the middle of night?” he asked, staring at her flushing cheeks under the dim wall light, but he couldn’t speak anymore since his mouth was soon covered by her warm lips.
Nina woke up, her head snuggling on Bob’s chest.
He opened his eyes. “Did I hurt you?”
“Not really,” she hesitated. “I…”
“What?” he asked and kissed her cheek.
“I enjoyed it.”
“I didn’t know you were a virgin. You’re twenty-three years old. That was a bit shocking. With surprise in his voice, Bob asked, “He never made love to you?”
“No, I didn’t want him to.”
“Did you love him?” Seeing her nod, he sighed. “How strange! When I love a woman I make love to her.” His hands fondled her breasts.
“Have you made love to more than one girl?” she asked in a timid voice, trying to understand his way of loving.
“Yes, to all of my girlfriends. They enjoyed it, too.” He noticed a wry smile on her face and felt her withdrawing from him. “Don’t get me wrong. I mean at different times. Now, I will only make love to you. I don’t have any other women.”
“Understood,” Nina said, holding his face to look into his eyes, which appeared dark blue in the faint light. “I’m not sure if I agree completely, but I’m learning to enjoy this moment with you.”
“That’s my girl. Life’s short. Don’t think too much. Otherwise, your head will explode.” He pulled her hair playfully.
“Remember, I’m going to university in September.”
“Sure I do. It’s the University of Southern Maine, right?”
Nina nodded. “You’re okay with that?” She chose a university in a small city knowing that Bob disliked big cities.
“Esta es la vida,” he said. “This is life.” As he held Nina close, the sweet voice of Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany’s singing “Moon River” echoed in his mind.
; “Wherever you’re going, I’m going your way.” Nina listened to Bob whistle the melody in the early morning after that unexpected rainstorm.
8.
THE FENIAN CYCLE
ONE SATURDAY AFTERNOON at the end of August 1972, Nina cooked Chinese food for her host family to show her gratitude. Amazed by the different foods displayed on the table, Bruce said he loved the steamed Chinese-style ravioli stuffed with minced beef and celery. Eileen enjoyed the stir-fried sweet-and-sour cabbage. Although the egg and tomato soup was foreign, the couple also ate it with interest. Since Nina couldn’t find certain ingredients, such as star anise and ginger, she felt sorry that her dishes were not authentically Chinese.
The following day, Bob came over to pick Nina up and take her and her belongings to Portland. About an hour later, they arrived at the University of Southern Maine. The energetic young faces on campus made Nina regret her youth spent in the chaos of the Cultural Revolution. Some student volunteers helped move Nina’s luggage to her two-bedroom suite, which she shared with another freshman named Mabel. After helping unpack Nina’s suitcases and boxes, Bob stayed for the evening.
The dormitory visiting hours were over at eleven-thirty p.m., so Nina kissed him goodbye. “Drive carefully. Watch for deer along the road. It’s almost the season.”
“Yes, Mother,” Bob smirked. When he looked at his watch, he sighed. “Time goes too fast when we’re together.”
Nina saw Bob off to the door. When she turned back, Mabel made a face at her in the living room. “If he were my boyfriend, I would have asked him to stay another day.”
“I don’t have as much time as you do,” answered Nina. “I have a lot of catching up to do! You’re still young and I’m jealous of your age.”
Sweetly, Mabel grinned. “I bet you are.”
Nina participated in student orientation but didn’t join in on the other activities. Instead, she spent most of the week reading in the library.
Her first class, American History, began on a Monday evening. A binder in hand, Nina left the dorm hastily and went straight to the next building. On the second floor, she hurried past the first door on the left and noticed the number was 201. A crowd of students entered the third door on the left. She was sure that was 203. After stepping inside, she found an available seat, and sat down quietly. A young professor spoke enthusiastically, his hand occasionally moving in the air. Instead of using the chair, he leaned against the front of his desk, his voice was cheerful, and his tone was humorous. Laughter rose from the audience. Bob’s face appeared in Nina’s mind, sometimes smiling and sometimes frowning. She shook the image away and tried to listen attentively. The professor was narrating an Irish legend from the third century, which confused her; why, if this was American History, did she need to know that particular myth?