by Nikki Sloane
Her recovery was quick, and her anger came right back. “I called you,” she accused. “I called you a bunch of times.”
“Yeah, you did.”
That seemed to piss her off more. “You didn’t answer.”
“When I first got to your place and you weren’t there, I thought it was because I was early. After a while, I got worried, and that’s when I discovered my battery was somehow dead.”
It wasn’t like I could ask to borrow someone else’s phone and call her. I didn’t have her number memorized.
“I couldn’t remember where I packed the charger, and my car . . . Everything I owned was in there. I had to tear it all apart to find it, right in the street outside your building.” My stomach churned with unease, like it had then. “Shit, I was worried about you the whole time, thinking any minute your car was going to turn the corner and we’d laugh about how stupid I looked with my shit all over the sidewalk. Only you never came home.”
Her eyes had gone impossibly wide, and she reached out, latching a hand on my forearm. The turmoil in her voice cut into me. “Because I was waiting for you at your place. I had no idea—”
“I knew you wouldn’t blow off saying goodbye to me,” I said, getting louder and more worked up than I meant, because this was the heart of my issue. “Hell, you’d told me you loved me, Ruby. So something awful must have happened to stop you from coming home.”
“Oh, God, Kyle—” Her face twisted with hurt.
“So, I finally found the charger buried in a box, and then got someone to let me into your lobby so I could plug into a wall outlet. As soon as I had enough power, I saw the twelve missed calls from you.” My hands had been shaking as my mind ran all sorts of awful scenarios. “And there was the one voicemail.”
She straightened abruptly, pulling away like I was on fire. Her expression shifted and she whispered it with dread. “I was so angry. I . . . I don’t even remember most of what I said.”
“Yeah?” I spat out. “Well, I do.”
Her recorded tirade was like being run over a mandolin grater. Every sentence she spewed was another pass on the metal edges, taking chunks out of me.
“Whatever it was,” she gasped, “I didn’t mean it.”
Irrelevant, logic screamed at me. It was too little, far too late, and technically not even an apology. I put up a hand, waving her comment away. “Forget about it. It was a long time ago.”
I would act like I’d moved on, and pretend it was all water under the bridge, but that was what it would be. An act. Her words were still sharp in my mind. I’d cared about her so damn much. If I’d been able to fit my feelings for her into a tidy little box, the word love would have been scrawled across the side in black marker.
“What did I say?” Her expression was a mixture of fear and desperation. “Please, you have to tell me.”
“You opened with a strong barrage of insults. All the different ways I was a pussy. I’d thought it was some sort of a joke at first, but then you said where you were, and I figured out what had happened.”
“That,” she whispered, “I sort of remember. There was more?”
Oh, yes, there was. “You said you were glad I was leaving so you could move on and find a better guy who deserved you. I was just a good fuck you were having fun with.” Her face went ash white, but I pushed on. “Then, you told me you never really loved me, and you’d only said it because I was pathetic and so, so desperate to hear it.”
Ruby banded an arm around her stomach like I’d slugged her in the gut. Yeah, that was similar to my reaction the first time I’d heard it. She gasped, drawing in her breath as if it were painful, and her gaze dropped to my feet.
I tossed back the rest of my glass of champagne, giving me something else to do rather than stare at the woman who looked like she was going to be sick. If I was capable of falling in love, it should have been with Ruby. But it hadn’t happened.
At least, not for her.
The silence stretched between us, so tense I couldn’t tolerate another moment. “Coming up here was a mistake.”
She shook her head and lifted her gaze to meet mine, her eyes wet with tears. “I’m so sorry. I was hurting and I didn’t mean it, not a word.” She spoke it with conviction. “You have to know that.”
Part of me wanted to believe her, but I steeled myself. “You made it pretty clear I didn’t know you at all.”
“What do you mean? I loved you.”
Her expression made an emotion flare in me that I refused to acknowledge. “What evidence do you have to prove it?”
Her lush lips parted and her face twisted into a look which announced what I’d demanded wasn’t possible. “How do I prove that I loved you?”
Each time she said it, the words dug deeper into the spot where I’d stored away all my emotions about her. Ruby needed to be careful. I didn’t have as big of a temper as she did, but there was a lot of pain and anger hiding behind my front, and if it cracked, I might say something hurtful. There was no upside. It’d only make us both feel worse.
“Forget it.” I set my empty glass down on the table, no longer interested in the remaining alcohol in the bottle. Champagne had been a terrible choice to dull the senses.
“I don’t want to forget. I mean, for fuck’s sake, we almost had a threesome.”
For once, the steamy hot memory didn’t do anything to warm me, and my voice filled with ice. “Don’t you dare act like I pushed you into that. We both know who instigated it, and besides, all it does is support the argument how I was just a fuck buddy to you.”
“No.” She planted herself before me, defiance etching her face. “No. I loved you. All that shit I said was lies, just a defense mechanism. It fucking destroyed me when you left.”
I closed my eyes and centered myself. She was an attorney, which meant she was smart and skilled enough to know how to persuade. She could shade the words just so, spinning and twisting until things were seen her way.
But I was an attorney, too, which meant I was immune. Clever words or, God forbid, tears, weren’t going to shock me into seeing anything other than the facts.
“You didn’t seem too destroyed later that night,” I said.
Panic visibly poured through her. “What are you talking about?”
“After your voicemail, I lost it. I packed up my shit and drove off because I was so angry. I wasn’t thinking. Hell, I got a speeding ticket in Indiana and almost got arrested when I ran my mouth at the cop.” I’d been lucky to avoid jail. “By the time I hit Pennsylvania, I’d cooled off enough, and I called you to explain what happened. To apologize for leaving.”
Ruby went cold. “You did?”
“I shouldn’t be surprised you don’t remember. You sounded wasted.”
She’d looked scared when I’d mentioned the voicemail, but now she looked terrified. “What happened? What’d I say?”
I felt bad she’d spent the last five years not knowing what happened, but that wasn’t my fault. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It fucking matters, Kyle.”
Anger heated in my veins. “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s done. Let’s just move on.”
Could she see how serious I was? It’d be a waste of time to argue with me, because I would win.
Her expression fell. It appeared she understood, but she didn’t look happy about it one bit. Her gaze went severe, but she bit back her words, and my heartrate ticked up a notch. There was calculation going on behind that gorgeous face of hers. Whatever she throws at you, you can handle it.
“All right,” she said, her tone cool and calm. “What happens now?”
I tried not to mentally stumble over her shift in tactics. “I feel like we owe each other a real goodbye.”
Not the goodbye we’d planned to exchange five years ago, though. I was a lot of things, but not a masochist, and kissing her would only bring pain. I loved my memories of her lips and all the different kisses they’d delivered. Sexy, passionate, sometimes sweet.
What if I kissed her now and it didn’t live up to what had grown legendary in my mind? It wasn’t worth the risk.
“Dance with me first.”
I froze. “What?”
“It’s New Year’s Eve. I got all dressed up, and . . .” She appeared to stopped fighting what she wanted to say. “I thought this conversation was going to take place on the ballroom dance floor.”
A calculated move. She looked unbelievable in her dress, which she’d probably worn to distract me, and it was working. She’d caught me staring at her chest more than once, and her satisfaction was evident. Fuck her for flaunting what I couldn’t have. She wanted me to look, so I did.
I glanced out the window, staring at the skyline. It had begun to snow, and fat snowflakes wafted downward. The only light in the room came from the shimmering pool, so the view was even better without our bright reflections competing against it. We were only two muted shapes in the glass.
“There’s no music.”
“A smart guy like you? I’m sure you know how to work Pandora.”
I didn’t want to dance with her. The idea of letting her get close was dangerous. But her eyes flared with a challenge, and I wasn’t one to back down. If she thought this ploy was going to work, I’d show her how wrong she was.
So I went to my suitcoat I’d left hanging on the chair back, dug out my phone, and picked the first station I found that would work. I propped the phone against my empty glass and stood.
Ruby watched me wordlessly as I unbuttoned my cuffs and began to roll back the sleeves of my dress shirt. It was warm in the pool room, but it climbed to a thousand degrees when I looked at her. The song playing from my phone sounded like Michael Bublé, a slow, jazzy number.
Alarm was loud and incessant in my brain.
The dim lighting. The sultry music. The view. Everything about the environment was seductive and romantic. I stepped up to her, opened my arms, and invited her into my embrace. The only consolation was she seemed to hold her breath as she set her warm hand in mine, as if she was as wary of this as I felt.
I’d fucking swear my body remembered the feel of her. My arm slipped behind her back and rested comfortably there, as if happy to be home. Her hand not clasped in mine lay gently on my shoulder. But tension made me stiff, and I focused on the movement rather than the girl in my arms.
I took my first step forward, and she followed my lead. My mother had taught me a basic dance pattern once, and I fumbled through the sequence, rusty, but good enough. Ruby’s face was tipped up toward mine, but I refused to look at her. Instead, I stared out over her head, eyeing the buildings beyond the glass.
Bublé serenaded us as the snow outside continued to fall. We’d turned two rotations before I felt myself start to slip. My posture softened and I drew my arm in, pulling her closer. No, dammit. I couldn’t slip further. The ache for her, which had dissipated over the years, was back and stronger than ever.
She slid her hand up my shoulder, moving it up until it cupped the back of my neck and demanded my attention. Her soft, delicate fingers were more powerful than anything else, and I had no choice but to obey.
My heart stopped. Even shining with unshed tears, her eyes were breathtaking. I was right back in that bookstore, staring at her as we argued over the last used copy of an intellectual property textbook. She’d been so pretty with her bangs falling over her eyebrows and annoyance skewing her face. There was no way I was letting her leave the store with that book and without getting her number.
The steam in the room seemed to thicken, slowing everything down, especially my thoughts. Ruby pressed further into me, and I allowed it. I could feel every inch of her against me as we swayed to the music, and I was greedy for more contact. Our hands let go at the same moment, so I could move mine to join my other in the small of her back, wrapping my arms around her. She encased my jaw in both hands, and I didn’t want to think about why she was trembling.
She didn’t blink as I leaned closer. She didn’t even take a breath.
Color burst off in the distance, lighting the night sky, and we turned together to look at it. A series of fireworks exploded in reds and brilliant golds, and rained down over Lake Michigan. It had to be the New Year’s Eve fireworks display over Navy Pier. Which meant—
“Happy New Year, Kyle.” It was barely a whisper.
I turned my head to look at her, and her mouth sealed over mine.
Chapter
EIGHT
Ruby’s soft lips pressed against my mouth, and everything went offline. Her kiss shut me down faster than a sustained ruling on an objection. Desire took command. I tightened my hold on her so she was fitted against me, and then I kissed her back.
Her kiss was sweet and slow, but mine was an assault. When her lips parted, I slipped my tongue inside her warm mouth, taking possession. Claiming and branding her, like she was mine. I deepened the kiss, pushing into her, forcing her head to tilt back just enough so she’d welcome me further.
I wasn’t in control. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to touch her, and definitely wasn’t going to kiss her. Everything was unraveling, and I hated it. I poured my frustration into my movement, dominating and taking from her. Ruby’s soft moan fed into my desire, and it pumped through my bloodstream.
Five years I’d wondered what our kiss goodbye would have tasted like. I imagined it would have been a lot like this. Our kiss dripped with longing and need, and burned with heartache.
No.
I braced my hands on her shoulders and pushed her back, severing the connection of our mouths, and we stood staring at each other with disbelief, gasping for air. The heat of the room was to blame for the mistake of that kiss. Or maybe the music. And certainly her dress.
“All this time,” she said, “I believed you left without saying goodbye.”
“I did leave without saying goodbye.” My hands were still holding her shoulders. Why was that? Why hadn’t she squirmed away, and why the hell couldn’t I let her go? “So, goodbye, Ruby.”
Her expression hardened into pure determination, and she took a step toward me. Like a strange dance where she was leading, I backed up to keep my arms straight and not allow her to come closer.
“I loved you. You know I did. Even when you never said it back!”
The wall inside me eroded and I finally dropped my hold. Anger and hurt seeped through the cracks, making my voice build. “If that’s true, how could you think for one fucking second I’d walk away from you like that? Jesus! Did you consider any other scenario where I wasn’t an enormous asshole?”
Her mouth hung open.
The silence should have calmed me, but instead I grew angrier. “I waited for you at your apartment because I knew you wouldn’t blow me off. I mean, the thought never even crossed my mind.” My tone was as dark as the sky outside. “But it seems like me abandoning you was the only thought you had.”
“That’s not fair. We were supposed to meet at your place, but it was empty and you were gone. What was I supposed to think? If the roles were reversed, you would have thought the same!”
“No, I wouldn’t have. And I definitely wouldn’t have jumped on the first piece of ass I could find twelve hours later.”
“What?”
Fucking hell. “I could barely get a word in when I called at two a.m. You were too busy telling me about the guy you’d brought home from the bar.”
Her expression twisted from outright shock to confusion. “I didn’t. I would never—”
I had to point out the obvious. “You don’t even remember talking to me, so . . .”
“No.” She shook her head vehemently. “I went out with my sister, yeah. But I was so drunk and miserable, she took me back to her dorm room.” Her tone was sharp as a knife. “I slept on her floor, very much alone, and woke up to the text message from you.”
I wanted to believe her, but my lingering anger was hard to overcome.
“If I said I was with anyone else, it was a lie. Just an extension o
f the shit I said earlier.” She gazed at me with fresh hurt. “I was drunk and defensive. I can’t believe you thought I’d really do that.”
“You realize you’re telling me you lied repeatedly, and in the same breath I’m supposed to believe you when you say you loved me?”
A noise of frustration tore from her throat. “I’ve gone five fucking years hating you for the wrong reasons.”
“Because there are right reasons to hate me?”
“Oh my God, right now there are.” She jabbed her finger in the center of my chest. “I said awful things. I’m sure I did. They were lies and I’m sorry.” Her voice carried weight. “I’m sorry. I was too torn up over you to even remember what I said, which is the fucking proof you want.” Her finger needled further into me. “It should have been obvious I was hurting. And drunk.”
Was her finger going to burrow into my skin? I moved backward to get away, but she charged forward, staying on me.
Her face twisted with a mixture of sorrow and rage. “You leaving like that wrecked me. I know I’m not easy, and I’m sorry I lied, but do you realize how much pain you could have spared us with a five-minute conversation when I was sober? Why didn’t you call me again?”
Who was being unfair now? “Are you serious? I called you. I tried, Ruby. What more do you want?”
She peered at me with disbelief. “You . . . gave up on me.”
Maybe that had a hint of truth, but her words then, whether they were lies or not, had hit too close to home. The sting from them was sharp and cut deep. My parents loved me and Payton in their own way, but it was detached and cold. Love to them was loyalty and financial support. It was constant criticism to help me improve and be the best I could be. I’d been left to figure emotions out on my own.
“It took me months to get over you. How could you think I’d go out and just fuck someone else?”
“Well, you thought I was the type of asshole who’d leave you, so I guess we’re even.”
She groaned loudly, her annoyance boiling over, and slapped her palms against my chest. I wasn’t surprised when she shoved me backward. She hardly put any force behind it, and it barely made me move. However, I was surprised when there wasn’t flooring under my foot, and I fell.