Hayden's Verse

by A. C. Bextor

  “She hasn’t been sick.” I claim this to end the conversation, but I don’t really know.

  “She cares about you. She told Raegan she’s not giving up. She’s hoping you’ll come around in one way or another. She’s as stubborn and as tough as Travis.”

  I sit back in my chair, put my hands on my thighs and brace. Ace is going to have his say and it’s fair after everything I said to him when he was going through his shit with Rae to let him say it.

  “I care about her, too, but is that enough?”

  “I get it. You’re trying to give her space and give yourself time to think shit through.” He leans forward in his chair, bracing himself on the table. “But it’s not fuckin’ workin.’ You need to get your shit together and be in this or head to the sidelines and stay the fuck out of it. You don’t get to have it both ways.”

  “I know.”

  “If you know, then make a decision. She’ll find someone else eventually. Is that what you want?”

  “Ace, I don’t fucking know what I want. Other than to stop feeling responsible for hurting her the way I am.” I sit, waiting for him to say something. When he doesn’t, I admit my most shameful thought out loud. “I’ve never considered one woman for the rest of my life, Ace. Do you know how crazy that is? I’ve never thought about growing old with someone or growing old at all.”

  “That’s obvious.”

  “Don’t mock me; I’m serious. What if I wake up in a year or maybe two and I hate her? What if I resent her for changing everything about me?”

  “You’d be a fool, but you’re not the only one. Lace told Rae she’s waitin’ for you to pull your head from your ass. Those were her exact words. She said she knows you’re not the person you think you are and when you figure that out, you’ll come back to her. But Hayden, there’s no doubt she’ll move on. She’s Trav’s sister. She has the same stubborn streak but she won’t put up with your shit any longer than she knows what’s good for her.”

  “I know. Until I’m certain I can be what I can for us both, though, I’m not making empty promises.”

  “You’ve changed, brother. You’re not the person you were before. She’s changed you and the change is good. I see it.”

  “I feel it, and I’m not sure it’s all so good.”

  “You’ve got to be who you are, but be sure you can live with that person before dragging another life into it. Everyone’s capable of change. Even you.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Hayden

  THE HOUSE IS dark once I make my way inside. I see the light in the bedroom from here, but it’s shadowed and dim. Lacey must have her reading lamp on.

  I head toward the couch but decide to check in on her. I rarely check in, but Ace was right; I should know more about how she’s physically feeling. I can help with that whereas I’m useless with her emotions.

  “Hayden?” Lacey questions, looking up wearing her small, round reading glasses.

  The book she’s holding has an over-exaggerated cartoon stork on the cover. Panic fuels my emotions. She looks calm and comfortable as she reads words about bringing a new life into the mess we’ve created in this one. My throat starts to clog, but I mutter, “Hey.”

  “You’re home early.”

  I can’t stay. I should have waited until later to come back. I should’ve gone to the couch as I have every night before. I gotta go. “I’m headed out again, actually. Ace and I got done early. I’m going for a drink.”

  Her face drops in sadness, loneliness, or concern. Pick one; I’ve got each framed to memory. “Lock up behind you,” she says, pulling the book closer to her and flipping another page.

  I’m dismissed.

  “I won’t be long.”

  She puts the book down and takes off her glasses, then tells me what she thinks I don’t already know. “You don’t have a curfew, Hayden. Go do whatever. I’ll be here.”

  To avoid another argument, I pacify her response. “I’ll lock up and see you later.”

  *****

  Lacey

  “Go ahead and tell me.”

  “It’s . . .”

  “Shit, stop. Wait. Oh, my God. I don’t know!”

  My OBGYN, Dr. Ames, knows my sorrowed story. I cried for an hour in her office after I found out and before I told Hayden I was pregnant. She was aware I wasn’t in a committed relationship and I had explained my ‘exclusive’ was going to have a meltdown. Since, I’ve filled her in as the appointments continued that led to today.

  Hayden isn’t here. He missed the appointment after not coming home last night. The couch was made. The blanket and pillow mocked me as I walked by on the way out the door. I could have called or texted him to offer a reminder of today’s appointment, but I didn’t. I told him he didn’t have to be anything he didn’t want to be. We had decided, in a passing conversation, as all of our conversations seem in passing, that we wouldn’t ask the sex of the baby. Hayden, more than me, wanted to know what to prepare for, but I thought it was something we could both look forward to together.

  I was hoping he’d eventually come around and make the decision to be more involved, but he hasn’t and I have me and the baby to worry about. This is taking up all of my energy and I’m not about to hold his hand through it.

  Fuck him. He’s missing this and he’ll have forever to regret it.

  “Okay, ready,” I tell her unconvincingly.

  “You don’t have to decide now, Lacey,” she says, gently putting her hand on my thigh while the other holds the wand that reflects the screen in a muddled mess of fog and dark spots.

  “Tell me.”

  This time she laughs through her words. “Are you going to interrupt me again?”

  She’s a beautiful woman. I don’t imagine she’s much older than Hayden. A pang of jealousy that he may find her attractive strikes and I snap at her in response. “I said tell me.”

  Her face falls straight but the kindness in her eyes doesn’t waver. “You’re having a little girl.”

  My eyes sting, my mouth waters, and my throat starts to close. “A girl? You’re sure?” I croak, fighting back the emotion.

  “I’m certain.”

  She grabs my hand once she notices it shaking at my side. “I’m scared,” I admit to her while squeezing it gently.

  “Don’t be. Things aren’t like they used to be. Women act as single parents all the time, and I’m sure Hayden will be thrilled to help. Your brother, Travis, too.”

  Tears stream down my face, each eye in turn as I stare up at the screen, watching her make small subtle movements I can see her making but can’t feel inside. “A girl,” I say through a whisper, as though it’s a confession.

  I wish Hayden were here.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Hayden

  TONIGHT’S THE FIRST night since Lacey told everyone about her pregnancy that we’re all gathered together without that being the only reason.

  Trav’s feelings toward me have wavered back and forth. Good days with him include some small talk and maybe a fill-in about our daily lives. Bad days have him angry at me for my mere existence. Ace and Rae have continued to try to remain neutral and Marlee and Toby are involved with their own family, so they haven’t given too much effort into prying into mine.

  Sarah, surprisingly, has been great. She’s never said either way her feelings toward my epic fuck-up with Lacey. She’s remained her maddening self and I’ve appreciated having that one constant, whether it’s an unnerving constant or not.

  We’re playing cards tonight at our place. The gang’s all here, sans the kids who are keeping Bean and her neighbor, Mary, entertained. Bean was excited to keep the kids overnight so the adults could enjoy themselves. Sarah was excited to be included, but Trav and Ace are keeping close eyes on her to ensure she doesn’t attempt to drink. I’m surprised she hasn’t tried. It’s not like Sarah to not do as she’s told to tempt the others into frustration.

  “I win again.” I slide the final card into the pile wit
h animation and the rest of the table goes quiet.

  They suck at party gin. It’s easy to win.

  “Of course you do.” Rae throws her cards into the pile, not bothering to count the points against her.

  “Hayden cheats,” Lacey lets slip as if it’s a secret. Sending me a ‘don’t deny it’ look of orneriness, I concede and stay quiet, waiting for the others to fill her in.

  “Uhhh, yeah,” Rae answers first.

  “Always has,” Ace includes.

  “Where you been, Lace?” Trav asks with sarcasm.

  “What?” she replies. “You all knew this already?”

  Sarah’s next. “He’s been cheating me at cards since I was nine, Lace. Uno, Go Fish, Rummy, you name it and he’s cheated me.” Sarah turns her head my way as she sits in the chair next to mine. “He would win and I’d have to make him lunch or fetch his ass a pop or clean his car. Did I leave anything out, Hayden?”

  I don’t get a chance to deny with my answer. Lacey stands; her small belly still growing draws my eyes as she puts her hand on it. “How did everyone already know this and not tell me? He’s had my clothes off on more than one occasion playing strip poker and denied that he’s a cheat!”

  Travis smiles. “Did you think he’d tell you?” Trav nods to her belly. “Seems he’s cheated you out of your clothes more than a few times.”

  “How do you cheat, Hayden?” she asks me directly, ignoring her brother.

  Raising my hands in surrender, I plead my lying case. “I don’t. They’re making it up.”

  “Check his lap,” Ace, the rat, calls me out.

  Lacey walks from her side of the table to me, and Sarah gives her enough room to stand directly at my side. “Oh, my God!” she screams as she sees two cards placed between my knees. She grabs them and shows the others before throwing them on the table.

  “Why do you let him cheat?”

  “We don’t always. Sometimes it’s not worth the effort to call him out,” Toby states. “It’s all in fun, Lacey. It’s just a game.”

  “If it’s just a game, why cheat?” she asks me. She’s got a competitive streak she hadn’t shown the others before, but it’s quickly becoming apparent to them now as they sit around smiling at her expense.

  I grab her around the waist and bring her into my lap to quiet her. She falls with my force and situates herself, getting comfortable. “I don’t cheat all the time,” I tell her, loud enough for the others to hear, but then whisper in her ear, “But how can I not do it intentionally when you’re so willing to be the loser and take off your clothes in front of me?”

  “God, you’re sick. You’re not right, Hayden.”

  “And you love it.”

  She smiles at Rae and Rae smiles back with care. “I do,” she whispers and starts to stand. Holding her in place, I refuse to let her move.

  “Let me show you how I cheat,” I tell her as she adjusts herself in my arms again.

  “You cheated a sick person, Hayden,” she says, trying to guilt me.

  “I’m not apologizing. We had fun.”

  She sighs, leans the back of her head on my shoulder, and mumbles, “We did.”

  The rest of the night Lacey is either on my lap or at my side. The familiar ease with each other is welcome. We spend the next few hours drinking and playing various other board games, which make it impossible for me to cheat.

  *****

  After everyone piles out the front door and Lacey’s finished cleaning up, she turns to me and tells me the rest of her plans for the night.

  Always a routine.

  “I’m going to shower and get ready for bed.”

  “Sounds good,” I answer, walking to the couch with the last beer from the fridge.

  “You okay?”

  No. “Yeah, I’m good. You?”

  “Yeah, you got quiet.”

  “I’m good. That was fun.”

  “It was. We should have them over more often.”

  “Then we will,” I say, making the promise I’m not sure I can live up to. Our lives together are too volatile to commit to the next day, let alone any days in the future.

  As Lacey walks out and leaves me sitting alone, I adjust the pillow and blankets on the couch and make myself comfortable sitting up. The room is dark and the sound of the shower from the bedroom is the only constant noise I hear.

  Holding Lacey again tonight after so long was like playing emotional roulette. I wasn’t sure if it was being in the others’ company or just being near her, but the pull in my chest to want to keep her close was overwhelming. I miss her so much, but I fear what’s coming.

  Bringing a child into any relationship is a risk. Bringing one into ours is a complete unknown. It’s not that I don’t like kids; I do. I love Madd and Deck, but only from a distance. I don’t relish the idea of taking them to practice or picking them up from school. I don’t desire to be pinned down to late nights with the sickness kids often bring home.

  On the other hand, when I watch Ace hold Decklan in his lap and teach him something new, whether that be how to read or how to put a model airplane together, I do feel a pang of jealousy. Deck idolizes Ace and looks up to him as the father he should’ve always had.

  Toby and Madd are pals. It’s not often you don’t find one without the other and when they aren’t together, Toby talks about him with a glowing fatherly pride.

  I can only hope I feel the same about my child. I guess I’ll know soon enough.

  When I walk in the bedroom and find it’s dark, I look to the bathroom door. It’s shut and the light is shining around its edges. Lacey’s still in there doing her routine she claims keeps her young. She’s twenty-one and doesn’t need all that shit. I grin to myself remembering she’s crazy.

  “Hey,” she says, opening the door to find me sitting at the end of the bed facing her. “I didn’t hear you come in. Something wrong?”

  “No. Come here.” I stretch my arms out to reach her, to try to close the distance between us.

  Her hair is still wet and she’s wrapped in a towel, clutching the side of it as if to shield her from me. I hate it.

  Looking down and standing in front of me, she questions, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I answer, moving the towel to open it in the front. She steps back quickly, moving herself out of my reach. “The baby, Lacey. I just want to feel the baby. Nothing more.”

  Timidly, she walks back to me and allows me to move the towel. She still clutches the knot at her side, holding tightly and doing it without breathing.

  “I’m going to make a shitty dad.”

  “No, you won’t. You’re selling yourself short, Hayden. Don’t do that.”

  “I met his mother, made an arrangement to fuck her . . .”

  “Exclusively,” she adds before I’m able.

  “Exclusively,” I repeat.

  “This is a different arrangement, Hayden.” Her hands come to my hair and she runs her fingers through it gently while coaxing me. “We’re not the same people we were then, but we’re not going to make bad parents.”

  “I wish I believed you.”

  “You should. I’m pretty smart.”

  Leaving my hands on her stomach, I look up and find her grinning. “You’re pretty something,” I tell her.

  “I’m tired. Do you want to stay in here?”

  “I’ll go back out there. I’m not tired yet.”

  She nods and rests her hands on my wrists, squeezing quickly so I let go and let the towel drape back over her body.

  “You better get going if you’re going or you’re going to watch me get dressed and then you’ll want to make out.”

  “Flirting? Really? I’m worried about being a good parent and you’re trying to seduce me?”

  “Cheating? Really? I’m trying to help make you a good parent and I find out you’ve been cheating me this whole time?”

  “I’ve never really cheated you, Lace. You’re being dramatic.”

  She quiets as she wat
ches me walk to the door of the bedroom then adds, “You’ve cheated yourself more than anyone, Hayden Merit. I won’t let you cheat yourself out of this.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Hayden

  “I’M A HOUSE!” Lacey yells, louder than necessary, as I stand behind her watching her measure her now rapidly extending belly in the bathroom mirror. Her bra has gotten tighter, causing her chest to spill over it slightly but she still glows, no matter her mood.

  Always so fucking beautiful.

  We’re due to be parents in less than twelve weeks. The months have gone by quickly at times and her growing stomach is the clock by which we brace for the change to come. It’s an ever-changing symbol we’ve become accustomed to studying.

  Before baby or after baby, the events of our lives are being categorized around the only thing holding us together.

  Not knowing what to say to a frantic woman who claims she’s a dwelling, I’m careful to keep it simple. “You’re not a house, Lace. You’re fine.”

  Big fucking mistake. Not the thing to say.

  Too late.

  Her furious eyes move to mine and her voice penetrates the small room. “Fine? You think I’m fine? Look at me!” Her arms stretch out to her sides for effect. “I’m a warmer to a small human being, for fuck’s sake. Is there a more convincing description than me being a house, Hayden?” She walks toward me, causing me to step back. “This is not fine.”

  “Okay.” God, it’s as if that’s all I know how to say. How the fuck does Toby do this? That fool did it twice. He should get snipped in punishment for being stupid.

  “Babe, we gotta go. Marlee’s having that baby any time and she’ll want you there.”

  She walks by me, punching my arm hard as she passes. “Don’t you ‘babe’ me, Hayden Merit Flynn.” Fuck, she’s throwing down middle names. “Now, take the whale to the hospital so she can see how this shit works.”

  I’m finding out Lacey is so much more beautiful when she’s quiet or sleeping.

  Over the last several weeks, Lacey and I have called an unspoken truce. She doesn’t ask me where I’ve been or who I’ve been with and I don’t ask her for anything at all. We’ve settled into a friendly routine, rather than a constant battle of resentment and blame.