Hayden's Verse

by A. C. Bextor

  “I want you to marry me, Lacey.”

  “I . . .” I stop, clueless on how to respond. “I don’t . . .”

  He smiles; the small light above my head offers only a shadow or glimpse of it, but it’s there. “I love you, Lacey. I love what you’ve given me. Marry me.”

  “Oh, God,” I say, still not having any other comment to give.

  “Is that yes?”

  “No.”

  “It’s a no?”

  “It’s a ‘give me a second, Hayden.’ I’m processing.”

  Hayden stands from the chair and moves to put Olivia in the plastic crib. In all my exhaustion, I haven’t had enough time with her. “Don’t put her down. Bring her to me, please?”

  He walks toward me, watching her with each step until he’s reached my bed and puts her gently in my arms, careful of her head. “You’re good at this,” I tell him.

  “The nurse did it like that. Can’t go wrong.”

  “She’s a quiet baby, isn’t she?” I ask, playing with her ear. Her little fingers spread wide then settle again next to her blanket.

  “You’re not going to marry me, are you?”

  Looking up at Hayden’s tensing body, I explain what he should already know but couldn’t possibly being he’s never been in a real relationship. “Listen to what I have to say. Can you do that?”

  “Yes.” He takes a seat in the chair next to the bed and gives me his full attention.

  “We started this whatever it is as an arrangement. Then you . . .”

  “I’m sorry, Lace,” he interrupts, and I shake my head to stop him from continuing.

  “Then you decided it wasn’t what you wanted. What about what I want?”

  “What do you want?”

  “There’s a couple of things,” I explain. He sits back in his chair, readying for my list. “I want to know you’re not doing this for her and this isn’t some hasty decision based on looking at her like you do, or from the guilt I know you still have for your mom or for me.

  “It’s none of those things.” He voices with certainty.

  “I want to take you out, buy you dinner, and have you kiss me at the end of the night.” I admit, laying it out there for him to analyze.

  “What?”

  “We’ve never done that.” I look down, fidgeting with Liv’s blanket. “You’ve never taken me anywhere.”

  “So, you want to date me?”

  “Yes.”

  “I want to marry you and your response is you want me to date you.”

  I can tell he’s losing patience. I’m not sure how much he’s slept, if at all, since he got here. “Yes.”

  He sits back in his chair, stretching his legs out in front of him, and braces his hands behind his head. He looks at me, sizing up my determination, so I hold strong.

  “Okay. You want to take me on a date; I’ll let you.” He smiles as he finishes. “But Lacey?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t put out ’til the fourth date. I’m not that kind of guy.”

  I laugh, careful not to move Liv as she’s sleeping. “You’re flirting.”

  “You making me take you out on a date and kiss you at the end of it is your weak-ass version of seduction. So yeah, I’m flirting.”

  “Thank you for understanding.”

  Changing the subject, but not entirely, he asks, “When can we make out?”

  “Here we go,” I utter. “Your daddy’s relentless, Liv.”

  Hayden stands over the bed, looking down at us, and kisses my jaw briefly. “I love you.”

  “I know.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Hayden

  LACEY AND LIV have been home now for four days. Four days of constant visitors in rotation, sleepless nights, and dealing with a continuously mood-changing new mother. I thought after she had the baby her temperaments would even out and settle and I would get back the sweet and fun girl I knew before she was pregnant. I thought women liked to be taken care of, waited on, and fussed over. I’ve done all I’ve thought of to be sure Lacey is comfortable here as a new mother. I’ve even gone so far as backing off with my flirting and seducing techniques, thinking she’d appreciate this as me giving her space.

  I was wrong. So fucking wrong.

  One minute Lacey’s smiling and cooing at Liv and laughing and joking with me. The next, she’s angry about a kid on the commercial who’s not wearing socks that match his shirt. Labor and delivery was cake compared to this. Marlee and Rae tell me this will pass. I’m hoping my pretty face stays intact until it does.

  However, no matter how little sleep, I’ve gotten or how many violent names I’ve been called, this has been the best, most peaceful and exciting four days of my life.

  I’m back in my room at night with Lacey now. We’ve made it ours. Although she claims we are still ‘dating,’ I’ve refused the couch. Not because it’s uncomfortable—technically it’s not that bad—but what I’m uncomfortable with is having her and Liv sleeping that far away. The small crib Marlee and Rae put up sits next to our bed. I’ve been waking every few hours like clockwork and at times have gotten up to check to see why she hasn’t woken up for a feeding.

  Lacey keeps reminding me, with little patience I may add, what the nurses told her. “When that baby sleeps, that’s when you sleep.” I don’t like that advice. I’ll sleep when and where I can, but I can’t find rest if I’m worried about Liv. I’m sure I’m not the only father who feels the same.

  I’ve promised Lacey that once I get used to the idea of being away from Liv when she sleeps, then I’ll clean out the spare room and let Lacey decorate a nursery. Until I’m ready, though, she’s staying in our room with us.

  All in all, everything has been my own version of perfection.

  Until I hear two words from my best friend, telling me my world will be changing once again. This time not for the better. This time, it’s a possible loss we’re all not prepared to suffer through.

  “It’s Bean,” Ace says over the phone. His sadness reaches out and I take a seat on the couch to prepare, putting Liv’s blanket to the side.

  “Tell me.”

  “She’s had a stroke. Sarah was with her at home when it happened. She called 911 and they knew before taking her in that’s what had happened.” Ace gasps for air and pulls himself together before finishing. “It’s not good, Hayden. She’s not woken up. What the fuck am I going to do if she doesn’t?”

  “Pray she does, Ace.” Out of all of us, I’ve always been the one I feel was closest to believing in prayer and understanding there’s more out there than we have proof of there to be.

  “I can’t catch my breath, man,” he admits quietly through a lost whisper.

  “Sarah?”

  “A fucking mess. Trav’s got her. They’re at the hospital. I came to pick up Rae and take Deck to Joseph’s for the night.”

  “Do we know if she’ll . . .” How can I say the word ‘survive’ in regards to Bean? The thought of losing her . . .

  “I don’t know. No one does.”

  “I’m coming down there. Give me a few minutes to help Lacey put Liv down for the night and I’ll meet you guys at the hospital, okay?”

  “Yeah. Thanks. She’d want to see you, Hayden. She’d want . . .” He stops again and regroups. “She’d want to talk to you.”

  My throat seizes. The last conversation I had with Bean one on one was about a chocolate coconut cake. Jesus, I miss her and she’s not even gone.

  “Give me thirty minutes.”

  He clicks off and I rush to Lacey. I hold her tightly for a few minutes before kissing Liv goodbye and head out the door.

  Once I make it to Bean’s room, I notice it’s dark inside. I close the door behind me quickly so I don’t interrupt anyone already here. Ace and Rae aren’t here but Travis and Sarah are.

  Travis has Sarah on his lap in the room’s only reclining chair. Her face is buried in his neck and he’s got his arms wrapped around her tightly, cradling her to h
im for comfort. Neither of them bothers to greet me at the door so I take a few seconds and try to accept what’s happened. I was in such a rush to get here, I hadn’t mentally prepared for the sight of Bean during any illness. I was remembering her as the person she’s always been to me: loving, funny, and most assuredly animated and alive.

  “Hey,” Trav whispers.

  Once Sarah’s head pops up, her eyes focus on me and instantly, they start to water. “Hey.”

  “She’s not good, Hayden. Have you talked to Ace?” she asks, her voice and spirit so broken.

  I look to Bean’s small form, now looking smaller in the hospital bed to my right. I look back to Travis who nods to Sarah. She can’t see it from behind her, but this is his way of telling me he has her.

  I whisper my answer as she whispered her question. “I did, squirt. He and Rae are coming.”

  “Okay,” she utters, laying her head back on Travis’s shoulder and burrowing back into his neck.

  Travis doesn’t say anything as I make my way to Bean. The machines around us hum with her progress and the bed sheets lay perfectly around her. She hasn’t moved since they brought her in. I stare down quietly, waiting for her to start lecturing me about whatever she feels I’m screwing up.

  This can’t be the end of our beloved Bean.

  I pull up an uncomfortable wooden chair and take the seat at her side. I’m not good with illness, dying, or death. I hate the truth. This is the tragic side of life no one can deny. Everyone passes, but after all this time I never gave thought to the maternal woman in my life slipping away before I was ready.

  If she passes, it will destroy little Sarah. It’ll cripple Ace, but Sarah will suffer the biggest loss. Bean’s her mother, father, best friend, and the only one who acts as an enforcer in her life. Whatever Bean says goes without resistance.

  “She hasn’t moved,” Sarah says from behind me. “She’s just lying there.”

  “I know,” I tell her. “Ace called me and told me what happened.”

  “I need to talk to her,” she starts. “She needs to give me her list.” The grocery list, the chore list, any list coming from Bean would make Sarah happy in this moment. “We’ve got so much shit to do.”

  “Shh,” Trav tells her once her small sob breaks out.

  Her voice gets louder, echoing off the white walls of the room. “I need to talk to her, Travis. We’re hanging out this weekend. She told me not to make plans ‘cause we’re going to be busy.”

  God, this is fucking hard to watch. Putting aside my own pain, I let myself mentally take some of hers. “I’ll do them with you, Sarah,” I offer.

  I don’t hear her response, but Travis answers for her. “No matter what happens, squirt. We’re all here.”

  Turning my focus back on Bean, I grab her small hand and place a picture in it. It’s the first one taken of Liv at the hospital. Marlee printed it for me the next day and brought it over as a homecoming gift. I don’t need it. Bean’s only met Liv once; I want my daughter to know her and learn from her as I have.

  The next picture, still in its frame, I set upright on the small table next to Bean’s bed. It was the one she gave me months ago after Lacey and I started our relationship in the ridiculous way we did. Bean told me to build on whatever Lacey was offering. I’m thankful she got to see a glimpse that we’re going to be fine and all her chatter and meddling wasn’t for nothing.

  “I’m filling my own pictures now, Bean. This is yours to keep,” I say through a ragged breath as my throat clogs with grief. A tear falls quickly onto the sheet and I catch the stain before Sarah can see it.

  “I don’t know what you’re doing, but if you don’t get up soon, you’re going to miss my wedding,” I tell her as if it would change her position. “Lacey’s going to take me on a date next weekend and I’m going to convince her she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I could use your help picking out the right flowers. You’re better at that shit than I am.”

  I wait for her to snap at me for my mouth, but she continues to lay still.

  “I didn’t bring Liv with me tonight. She’s home sleeping. Bean, she’s perfect. She sleeps a lot, but when she’s awake her eyes shine. She’s only five days old, but she’s changing so fast. You’re missing it. I want her to remember you. It’s important to me that she does. You’re the best person I’ve ever met.”

  “Hey.” I hear a new voice fill the room.

  I look to the door and find Raegan leaning against the frame. She looks exhausted.

  “Hey. Where’s Ace?”

  “Parking the car. He’s coming.”

  I stand, not wanting to intrude on what could be their last time together as a family. “I’m going to head out,” I tell the room.

  Leaning down, I kiss Bean’s temple the same way I’ve done a thousand times in my life. “Take care and I’ll see you soon.” After squeezing her hand, I walk to the door and hug Rae tightly.

  “She was the first person to accept me for who I was before I got here. She didn’t care anything about who I used to be, only who I was trying to be,” she sobs.

  “I know, Rae.” I understand completely.

  Moments later, Ace comes in and grabs Rae from me. She clutches his shirt at his sides, buries her head in his chest and continues crying. He rubs the back of her head and kisses it, holding himself together better than anyone could expect.

  “I’m gonna go,” I tell him. “You got this?”

  He looks to Sarah and Travis across the room. His eyes are swollen from grief. “Yeah. Thanks for coming,” he whispers. “If I need anything or something changes, I’ll let you know.”

  “Thanks.” I slap his shoulder as I leave the room, entering the bright lights of the hospital hall.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  Hayden

  DATING SUCKS.

  It’s a stupid ritual.

  I don’t like it and now know why I never did it.

  Our first date was spent here at home. She was still very much recovering from having Liv so we made my famous pork chops that I fry the way Bean does, and enjoyed hanging out watching movies and talking. I got what she called our first goodnight kiss before bed. I didn’t try to move forward or make any more advances, but not because I didn’t want to. I was trying to respect her healing. The sooner she heals, the sooner I get to feel all of her again.

  I’m a guy; it’s how we think.

  The second date was supposed to be planned by me. She informed me of this over my morning coffee and her water that Thursday. When I tried to explain I wanted to stay home like we had the week prior, she threw a fit. A big one.

  Her mood swings hadn’t gone away.

  I knew she was testing me. Other than the band’s Friday and Saturday night gigs at The Ward, I’ve been glued to Lacey and Liv. Although not easy to believe, Sarah has been a Godsend. She’s been running the errands Lacey has been telling me to do. Groceries, post office, whatever; you name it and Sarah’s been doing it. I’m aware this has more to do with Ace letting her out of the house to do them rather than Sarah acting as the angel she portrays, but I don’t care. She’s taken a load off my plate and I appreciate her for it.

  So for the second date, I decided I would take Lacey to a movie. She was excited, ecstatic actually. Until she realized it was a kid’s movie and a not a long one. Run time was eighty-six minutes and I delayed leaving the house for as long as I could, making us late for the show. Marlee wanted the break from her own family, so she came over and watched Liv at our place. I trust Marlee explicitly, but I still hated every second we were both away from our new baby.

  At the end of that date, though, I got to second base. I’m guessing Lacey felt bad about being angry at my choice of movie and decided it was time to move our new relationship further. Trying to forget the constant lactating, I enjoyed our make-out session. I missed the way she felt against me.

  The third date was tricky. Lacey planned it.

  Bean had been moved to a rehabilita
tion center that week and we had been constantly coming and going. Her progress and health were moving slowly, but the doctor determined she was expected to recover with time. Sarah has been staying with Ace and they haven’t killed each other . . . yet. So, we were both tired and missing the bubble we had created for ourselves at home.

  Ace and Rae were looking forward to our double date and Uncle Travis and Aunt Sarah had agreed to tag-team and watch Liv for us. I knew before we left the house that evening that this would be the longest time away from Liv I’d endured since she came into the world, and I hated it.

  “We’re going,” Lacey said to me, standing in the door with a look that would’ve scared me before the baby.

  “I know.”

  “Then . . . what are we waiting for?” she had asked in the same tone.

  “I’m saying goodbye.”

  “Hayden, you’ve said goodbye like seven times.” Sarah’s condescending words weren’t helping.

  “How many times can you smell a baby?” Trav’s weren’t either.

  “Fine. Let’s go. Whatever.” Leaning down, I kissed Liv again and inhaled her lavender scent for the sixth time, thank you, Travis, before giving her over to Sarah.

  Travis, still not letting me off the hook, said to the open room, “Jesus, Hayden. It’s a date. Go and do whatever people who date do.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “You’re a lucky, lucky girl, Lace,” Sarah tells my woman as she cradles my daughter tightly in her arms.

  “This is why I’m still single,” Trav spouted back to Sarah as I grabbed my wallet and headed for the door.

  Ace, Rae, Lacey, and I had dinner at a Mexican place downtown then went for drinks at Royal’s pub. It wasn’t fun, but it was fine. More than once, I caught Lacey texting Sarah and found pictures on her phone of Travis sleeping on the couch with a sleeping Olivia laying on top of him. As cute as Rae and Lacey found that to be, I wanted to go home.

  So we did.

  That night, I got a kiss goodnight and it was all I needed. Lacey let me bring Liv to our bed and we talked and watched her sleep for hours before finally putting her back in her crib.