by Mia Clark
Well...
"I'm just going to go for a quick walk," I say.
My mom and Jacky look up from browsing more nail polish designs on Pinterest.
"Is everything alright?" my mom asks.
"I was just kidding before," Jacky says. "I really do like your nails. They came out way better than mine."
"No, um... it's not that," I say. "Nothing's wrong, I just... I kind of want to talk to Ethan for a second. It's late, but I want to say goodnight before we go to sleep."
"Alright, honey," my mom says, smiling. "Say hi to Ethan for me."
"Yeah, I should call my dad, too," Jacky says. "He'll want to know everything is going well."
And that's that. I take my phone and walk out into the hall. No one's in the halls, but I can hear people further down in the common room. It's quiet for now. The first few days are always kind of quiet at night before people get into a groove of who's who and what's going on where. Some floors in the dorms attract more excitement than others, while other floors are more quiet and good for studying. There's no actual rules as to which ends up being which, but people gravitate towards different ones depending on who's living on which floor.
I veer away from the common room and go towards the public kitchen area. No one's there right now, so I decide to use it. It's mine, now! Sort of, I guess.
I sit down on one of the small chairs by a circle table next to a counter filled with different cooking devices. There's a toaster, microwave, toaster oven, coffee pot, and even a panini grill. Behind me in the small room is an oven and a fridge.
I put my phone on the table and stare at it, wondering if I should really call Ethan or not. I kind of want to, but I don't know what the proper relationship etiquette is there. This is all so strange and new to me. During the summer it was easier, because we were just never alone for that long. I mean, yes, we weren't constantly together, but we went to sleep together, we woke up together, we planned our days together. Sometimes I went and did things with my mom, or a couple of times I hung out with Julia. Ethan spent some time with some of his friends, too.
We never spent time together with our friends, because we didn't know how to explain our relationship to them. It was just easier to stay apart, I guess. It's not like we were apart for that long, though.
We've been apart for the entire day now. I left early this morning, but it feels like it's been a lot longer than that. I just...
I pick up my phone and dial his number. It starts to ring. I wait, and it rings again. By the third ring, I think about hanging up, but shortly after, Ethan picks up.
"Hey," he says. "What's up?"
He sounds kind of terse, like he's busy? I don't know...
"Sorry," I say. "Are you busy?"
"Huh?" he asks.
"I don't know," I say, mumbling. "You sounded like you were busy when I called. We don't have to talk or anything. I just missed you a little bit."
"Just a little bit?" he asks, a grin in his voice.
"Shut up," I say. "I missed you a lot but I don't know if you miss me as much as I miss you and I don't want to be clingy!"
"Tell me how you really feel, Princess," he says, laughing.
"I feel bad," I say, annoyed. "I don't like this. I want to be with you. Right now. I don't want to be here."
"Yeah..." he says, trailing off for a second. "I know the feeling. Fuck. There's so much shit going on that I'd forgotten about. I want to forget about it again. I want to be with you, too."
"Why did you sound, um... busy, I guess? You sounded like I was interrupting you before. Is everything alright?"
"Nah, I'm not busy. Just walking around. Kind of pissed, actually. Not at you, just everything else."
This is strange and new. My ears perk up and I start listening more. I like when Ethan talks about himself and how he's feeling.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.
"I don't know," he says. "It's complicated."
I nod into the phone, for all the good it does me. We're both quiet for a few seconds after that, but it seems like the silence drags on longer than that.
"Can I talk to you about something?" he asks. "I mean, really talk to you, but it's weird. I don't want you to get upset or worried or anything."
"When you say that, it makes me worried," I say, laughing. "Should I be?"
"Nah, not really, it's just..."
Nothing. It's quiet again.
"Is it important?" I ask him.
"Yeah, kind of," he says.
"Alright, I want to know. You can talk to me about anything, Ethan. You know that, right? You've made me feel like I can talk to you about anything for the past couple months, and I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, too."
"Thanks, Princess," he says. His voice sounds happy. Not giddy or excited, but just very content.
"You're welcome," I say, smiling, then joking, I add, "Now tell me what it is! The suspense is killing me."
"Oh, fuck, I don't want you to die or anything," he says, snickering.
He's procrastinating now. It takes a few more seconds, but finally he says more.
"You know about, uh... fuck... the shit I did in the past?" he says, kind of a question but not really. "Girls and whatever the fuck. It's all over now, but..."
I don't know how I feel about this. "But what?" I ask.
"I thought it'd be different when I came back," he says. "I'm with you, and I want to be with you. I thought there'd be some magical fucking barrier surrounding me or something that told girls I was off limits, but there's not."
"Those two girls from before, right?" I say. "That's not your fault, Ethan. I mean, I didn't exactly appreciate them being there, but you told them we're dating and it's not your fault that they snuck into your room."
It's not, right? I hope not. What if it happened when Ethan was completely alone, though? If we weren't talking on the phone at the time, and he'd walked into a situation like that?
I try not to think about these things, because I don't want to, but I think a part of me is always thinking about them. A part of me constantly feels like our relationship is too good to be true. Why is Ethan with me in the first place? Was it because it was easy? I don't think so... or, I don't want to think so. Yes, we were both back home for the summer, and obviously I was the easiest girl to be with considering we live together, but he never treated me like that.
Then again, he's never treated any girl like that.
"It's not just that," Ethan says quietly. "Before that, my dad and I went out for ice cream. One of the other cheerleaders was there. Brittany. We were talking. I've always talked with her, but we've never done anything. I mentioned I had a girlfriend, and she asked if that was some trick to try and get her more interested in me."
"Oh," I say with a whisper. "Um... it's not, though. You told her that, right?"
"Yeah," he says. "Of course I did. It's just... after I said that, she kind of doubted me a little. She's not stupid or anything, Princess. She's pretty smart. You'd probably like her. It's just, uh... yeah... she told me she wondered if it was serious, or if she could change my mind, and then she... propositioned me, I guess?"
"Um... she propositioned you?" I ask. "Honestly, Ethan, could you use any worse word than that?"
"Listen, I'm just saying it like it is," he says, laughing a little. He stops laughing almost as soon as he starts, though. "It's not funny or anything. But, yeah, she wanted to know how serious it was, and she said that if it wasn't that serious, if I wanted, I could be with her as much as I want, however I want, for just tonight. And then she'd go on her way, never saying anything to anyone."
"Oh," I say. I don't know what else to say, really. "What did you tell her?"
"What the fuck, what do you mean?" he asks, confused.
"I don't know!" I say. "Did you say yes?"
"Fucking... seriously? No, I didn't say yes. Why would I say yes? I'm with you. I want to be with you, Ashley. That's... fuck, is that what you think I'
m trying to tell you? That I slept with some other girl?"
"I don't know what you're trying to tell me!" I tell him.
But, yes, the thought did cross my mind. I really don't understand what we're talking about.
"No," he says. "I didn't say yes. I told her no. I said no because I love you. I don't want to sleep around anymore. I don't want to have sex with any other girls. Fuck, Princess, do you know how fucking amazing it is to have sex with you? Probably not, because I'm the one doing it, but it's perfect as fuck and I wouldn't change it for anything."
"Not anything?" I ask, laughing. "I don't know. What about a billion dollars?"
"No," he says. "Also, it's not just sex. It's everything. Cuddling with you is perfect as fuck. Waking up with you in my arms is perfect as fuck. Falling asleep with you and knowing that you're there with me the entire night is perfect as fuck. Talking to you about everything, and spending as much time with you as possible, eating breakfast, and even our once a week shower shaving sessions are perfect as fuck."
"It's you, Princess," he continues, pointed. "You're perfect as fuck, and I need you in my life."
Um, well then...
"I love you," I say, mumbling, not sure how to tell him exactly how I feel about him right now.
"I love you, too," he says. "I love you so fucking much."
"Can you tell me what you meant before?" I ask. "About the girl stuff?"
"Yeah," he says, genuine. "What I meant to say is that this is hard for me. It's hard being away from you. I think if you were here with me, it'd be different. Everyone could see we're together, right? They'd know, and then I could focus solely on you and you alone. Right now, though, the way things are, and the way I left things last year, everyone thinks it's a joke or something. Or that I'm making shit up, or that me saying I have a girlfriend now is some kind of game. It's not a game to me, Princess. It's more real than anything I've ever experienced before, and I guess I just want everyone to know it, but I don't know how to get the point across."
"It's not a game to me, either," I say. "Maybe... maybe I can come visit you? Maybe I can take a week off from school. This first week. I know that's kind of bad and not a good idea, but maybe I can just take this first week off and I can get on a plane and stay with you for the first week of school and then we can be together and walk around your school and everyone will know?"
When I first say this, it's sincere and serious, but once I'm finished, I know it's impossible. I can't just... go... I technically can, I guess. It's definitely a thing I could possibly do. In reality, I can't, though. I can't just not go to school.
"I'd fucking love that," Ethan says. "I really would. I don't think we can do that, though."
"I know," I say. "I don't like it, but I know."
"It's not that easy for you there, either, huh?" he asks. "What's up with all the flyers and junk? I'm trying to take care of it for you, Princess, but it's hard. I don't know if I can help you as much as I want to."
He sounds so hurt and upset. I want to hug him so bad.
"When I first saw the flyers, it hurt," I admit. "I went to look at the website later, and that hurt even more. I made a mistake, Ethan. Not the text messages. That was an accident. I made a mistake dating Jake. I..."
I don't know if I want to tell him why I started dating Jake. It was a stupid reason, and I don't want to hurt him.
"What?" Ethan asks.
"I don't know if I should tell you," I say. "I don't want you to get mad at me."
"I won't get mad at you," he says. "Promise."
"I guess..." It's easy for him to say that now, don't you think? "Jake seemed so sweet and like a gentleman at first. I guess that's how I first thought of it. I can see now that he wasn't really. He was always kind of indifferent, but at the time it seemed like he was just being a gentleman. I don't know how to explain it any better. He didn't open doors for me or anything like that, it's just... it was careful. Does that make sense?"
"I guess so," Ethan says. "Sounds kind of boring."
"It was," I say, laughing. "I guess that's what I liked about it, or at least what I thought I liked about it. It was predictable, kind of. Like we were acting according to a script, and doing all the things that led up to a regular relationship, which... Ethan, I had never been in a relationship before. I didn't know what they were like, or what they were supposed to be like, I... I only knew about yours, really, and you didn't even have real relationships, so I thought that Jake and I were getting into a real relationship because it was nothing like the ones I saw you constantly starting and stopping with girls."
"Oh," Ethan says, apparently stunned into silence.
Yes, well, I basically just told him that I started dating Jake because he treated me completely differently from how Ethan treated girls. A direct opposite, actually.
"I know it sounds bad, but I didn't understand relationship stuff back then," I say.
"It's cool, Princess," Ethan says, trying to blow it off. "You dated some asshole because he didn't treat you like the kind of guy who has one week flings with a bunch of girls. I get it."
"I didn't mean it like that!" I say. "I know it sounds bad, but, you know what? You were never mean to the girls that you were with. You never treated them badly. I thought you were a jerk sometimes because you were only with a girl for a week, but you were always nice to them, Ethan. Even when you broke up with them, you weren't a jerk. You were nice, even if it was kind of a weird sort of nice."
"Nice," Ethan says. "Yeah, until they hated me."
"They never hated you," I tell him, truthful. "I don't know if you know this, but they all loved you, or they thought they did, and they were upset that they couldn't have you. A week isn't enough with you, Ethan. I've had over two months with you and that's not even enough. I don't know how much is enough. I don't even know if it's possible to get enough. You're... you're perfect, alright? There. You told me I'm perfect, and now I'm telling you that you're perfect."
"Yeah, thanks, but it's not even close to the truth," he says. "I appreciate it, though."
"It is the truth," I tell him. "You're attentive. You're so insanely attentive it hurts. You can try and say you're a bad boy, but behind closed doors you're so careful and delicate. You stayed with me when you thought I was sick and we watched Netflix and had soup. You didn't try to pressure me into anything then, or ever. And when you found out I wasn't actually sick and it was because of Jake blackmailing me, you practically moved heaven and earth to come and protect me."
"It was just a plane ride and a couple of phone calls," he says, muttering.
"Shut up," I say, laughing. "Just a plane ride and a couple of phone calls? Are you listening to yourself right now? No, it wasn't. It was amazing. You're amazing."
"Whatever," he says, a hint of reluctant pride in his voice.
"You told your dad about us, too," I say. "I know how hard that was for you. I know that you and your dad never really got along, but when we went camping, you told him, and not only that, you tried to reconnect with him. You didn't have to, but you did. And you succeeded, too."
"And you gave me everything. Honestly, Ethan? I was scared. Not of you, but of what I would become if I was with you. In the beginning, I was scared, and the only way I could deal with it was trying to constantly remind myself it was just for a week. I made up silly excuses in my head for why I wanted to be close with you after the week, though. We could just be friends, right? I remember after... after you shaved... um..."
A girl walks by the kitchen door right then, so it seems like an inopportune time to mention what exactly Ethan shaved for me.
"Yeah?" Ethan asks, laughing. "Shaved what, Princess? Tell me."
"I remember in the shower, and I was kind of worried. You said it would be nice, though. It was just for a week, so I let you shave my pussy, and it felt so good. Not just during sex, but all the time. It felt really nice, Ethan. And I remember thinking that maybe you could just keep doing it for me? I remember wonderin
g if that was acceptable after our week of you being my stepbrother with benefits was up. If we could just do the shaving thing in the shower, no sex or anything. If you would even want to do that..."
"Oh yeah?" he asks.
"Stop your smirking!" I say, laughing.
"How do you know I'm smirking?"
"I know you," I say. "I know you all too well, Ethan Colton. I know exactly what you're doing at all times, always."
"What am I doing right now, then?" he asks.
"You're thinking about my pussy," I say. "Because you helped me shave it the day before we left."
"Fuck," he says. "Am I that easy to read?"
"Only to me," I say. "Just me."
"I guess that's fine," he says, snickering. "One thing, though. I need your help with this, Princess. Can you go somewhere private?"
"Um, I kind of am?" I say. "I'm in the kitchen room thing on my floor. There's no one else here."
"Nah, somewhere else," he says.
"Where?" I ask. "Wait. Why?"
"Well, the thing is, I just remembered something important," he says. "Yeah, I shaved you bare just the other day, but I think I missed a spot."
"Oh, you did?" I ask, grinning. "So you want me to go somewhere private and check for you?"
"Nah, that'd be rude. I can't ask you to do that. I'll check. You find somewhere private, and call me back with the face-to-face app, and I'll guide you through everything. Sound good?"
"Maybe..." I say. "Um... I don't know where to go, though. I think my mom and my roommate are back in my dorm room. I guess the bathroom, but someone could come in..."
"I have an idea," Ethan says. "How adventurous are you feeling?"
*** Ethan
I don't always have amazing ideas, but when I do they usually involve Ashley naked.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a creative genius when it comes to that shit. I'm pretty sure if you gave me an hour, I could think of at least a hundred different ways I'd like to see Ashley naked. I'm not sure if this is a good use of an hour, but who the fuck cares? It's my hour. I do what I want.