by Hole, Carrie
He woke up to his phone alarm, disoriented and on the couch. He scrubbed his hand across his face and it all came crashing back, Reina was gone. Within minutes he was in the car racing toward the airport, but traffic was backed up. Fuck. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. He should have come last night and stayed at the airport, he wasn’t going to make it. He left his car at the entrance nearest her terminal, but he was too late. He arrived just in time to watch her plane taxi down the runway. He struggled to contain the storm blowing through him. He’d hurt the woman he loved and now she was flying thousands of miles away. He was left feeling powerless, knowing she’d probably never give him another chance. The fire was licking at his heart as the barbed wire touched the edge of his soul.
Chapter 21
Reina spent most of her twelve hour trip fighting a hangover and feeling like death. During her layover she’d had a couple of drinks to help ease it. By the time she got home she’d started to feel relatively human again. Not ready to face Amy yet she’d taken a taxi. Luckily Amy wasn’t home. She went to her room and sat on her bed with her bag by her feet. She started pulling out her clothes and throwing them in a haphazard pile in the corner, trying to keep from processing. As she was sorting through them, she pulled out one of James’ shirts that had somehow made it in there. Her body started trembling as the tidal wave started crashing over her. A chasm seemed to open in the middle of her chest, and she couldn’t breathe. She closed her eyes as memories she couldn’t stop assaulted her. Every touch, every moment, every look tormenting her as his words rang in her ears.
Her anchor had been ripped away and she was drowning, the pain engulfed her like a black fog rolling straight through her soul. She put her hands over her face as keening sounds that she couldn’t control escaped her. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t fucking breathe. What she needed most was James’ comfort, which was exactly what she had just lost forever. She had thought coming home was what she needed, instead she had left what mattered behind. Parts of her were missing and she’d never get them back. She lay down on the bed, curled in on herself, and sobbed until nothing was left but a shell.
She woke up sometime the next afternoon to Amy knocking on the door. When she didn’t answer Amy opened it and looked in on her, but Reina didn’t respond.
“Reina, I told James you were home.”
She couldn’t breathe. “You spoke to him?”
“No, but he texted so I answered and told him you were safe.”
Reina laughed sullenly, “Safe isn’t what I would call it.”
“Reina,” Amy replied, concerned.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Reina replied quietly, tone final.
“I’m here when you need me.”
“I know,” she whispered.
After Amy walked out, Reina let the tears fall. The only thing left of her was the pain radiating from the hole in her chest, consuming her.
She didn’t leave her room for days. She nibbled a stash of crackers, refilled a water bottle, and slept. When she couldn’t sleep she stared at nothing while the memories came unbidden, and the tears fell unchecked. Eventually her head pounded from the lack of caffeine, and no amount of aspirin would get rid of it. She ventured out to get enough coffee to make it stop. When she reached the end of the hallway Amy was sitting at the breakfast bar, surrounded by flowers; there were bouquets of fall mums covering every surface. She couldn’t breathe.
Seeing her response Amy came towards her, “I’m so sorry Reina. I didn’t know...I wasn’t sure…”
Reina backed away with her hands up. “Get rid of them. Please. Please get rid of them.”
“Do you want the note?”
Reina shook her head, backing away. She closed her bedroom door and promptly swept the items on her dresser to the floor. She stood there clenching her fists for a moment before sinking to her knees. She knelt there, surrounded by broken things; none of them were half as broken as she was.
Amy waited a couple more days before deciding that she had to get Reina up. She’d only seen Reina cry a handful of times in the entire time she’d know her, so she wasn’t sure what to do or how to help her. This was so outside of Reina’s character that she was legitimately worried. If she pushed, Reina would retreat more, if she didn’t do something she didn’t know how long this would continue.
She opened the door to Reina’s room. Reina didn’t look up so she decided to try the stern approach. “Reina, you’re getting out of that bed today.” When Reina didn’t respond she continued, “Reina Hessman, get your ass out of that bed and shower!”
Reina looked up, “Whiskey.”
“What?”
“I will get up if we have whiskey.”
Amy tried not to smile. “I’ll get whiskey if you get in the damn shower.” Reina looked at her for a minute, then shuffled into the bathroom and turned on the water. Amy went out to get whiskey.
Reina showered, made coffee, and added some whiskey to it. She and Amy were sitting at the dining room table when someone knocked on the door.
Reina looked at Amy. “Are you expecting someone,” she asked.
“No,” Amy replied, but she looked nervous.
Reina opened the door, and it was the delivery man. Reina stared at him for a moment then held out her hand, “I’m not signing for it until I see who it’s from.” The delivery guy looked at her a little strange then let her see the address.
“You know what,” she started angrily. “We’re not accepting packages from this sender. So take it with you, and don’t come back.” Then she slammed the door in his face.
She poured more coffee, added more whiskey, and sat back at the table.
“How many times has he been here,” she asked Amy.
“Every day,” Amy replied. “But, I didn’t sign for anything.”
That was the moment that Reina felt anger burning the pieces of her heart; she embraced it. She let the anger fill up all the emptiness, anything to replace the pain.
Chapter 22
Reina finally worked up enough courage to turn on her phone. Her voicemail was full, texts overflowing. She sat there looking at it without listening to or reading anything. Coming to a decision, she deleted James’ contact info, backed up her other contacts, and changed her phone number. That done, she got a box and packed up anything and everything connected to James. She was still haunted by his presence, memories of him everywhere in her house, but all other trace of him was wiped out. When Reina wasn’t looking Amy grabbed the box and hid it in the back of a closet.
Slowly her anger helped her come back from the dark, her new safety net. She still didn’t talk about it, morose silence seemed to be her new normal, but she started coming back to the land of the living. She sorted through mounds of emails, set up new project dates, and worked. She worked as long into the night as she could, and sometimes slept on the couch so she didn’t have to face the memories in her room. Some mornings she would wake up from dreams of him, heart pounding. Those mornings she added whiskey to her coffee and denied the tears.
After a week she could tell herself that she was fine. The fire started to scar, leaving a new numbness behind. As long as she kept her mind busy, she was fine. Stumbling out of her room for a new round of work, she grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at the breakfast bar with her laptop. Noticing a large stack of mail, she decided to sort through it first. She couldn’t remember when she’d actually looked at the mail. Thank God for Amy, she thought. There was a lot of junk mail, random coupons, and bills she set aside. On the bottom of the pile were a couple of gossip magazines.
Reina didn’t think much of it at first, until a headline caught her attention. “James Beaston dating mystery woman,” her body started to tremble, heartbeat in her throat. Her world came crashing back down as she looked inside, it was her. There were pictures of her and James from multiple locations, the music festival, Key West, Vancouver and even one from the day she’d visited the set. Some looked like ce
llphone pictures, others were obviously paparazzi shots. Had she been so wrapped up in him that she hadn’t noticed? Just like that the scars opened up to fresh wounds. Tears came to her eyes as she tried to breathe. The second magazine’s headline made panic flair in her chest. “James Beaston buys house on Signal Mountain.” Fuck. She couldn’t breathe. That couldn’t be true, magazines were wrong all the time. No, just no. She rubbed her hands over her face, trying to remember how to function.
She threw the magazines across the room. Shaking, needing air, she grabbed her debit card, keys, and walked out the door. She took a brisk walk through the neighborhood to The Coffee Spot. After getting coffee and a croissant, she sat on the outside bench concentrating on breathing and blocking. When her heartbeat returned to normal she headed back. She took her time walking back, taking deep breaths and soaking in a little sun.
By the time she returned she was feeling steadier, until she walked through the door. She made it just past the kitchen before her coffee cup hit the floor. She’d stepped right back into the twilight zone from hell. James was sitting at her dining room table talking to Amy. She couldn’t breathe. She gave Amy an accusing look before looking at James.
“Why are you in my house,” Reina spit out accusingly.
“Reina,” Amy started.
“I’m sorry Reina, I needed to see you,” James interrupted.
Tears started welling up in her eyes that she couldn’t control. James stood up, and Reina started backing away as he took a step forward.
“I don’t want to see you,” she said, voice breaking. “Don’t come here,” she continued, clenching her teeth.
“Reina, please...” James pleaded, but Reina grabbed her keys and was out the door.
(Chapter 22 scene - Amy & James)
Amy walked out of her room as she heard Reina leave. She felt relieved that Reina was getting out of the house, until she saw the magazines on the floor. She picked them up and thumbed through them. Not good, she thought. She grabbed some coffee and waited for storm Reina to return. There was no telling what state she’d be in when she got back. Within ten minutes there was a knock on the door. Thank God Reina wasn’t here; if it was the delivery guy he’d probably get punched in the face. She opened the door, blood draining from her face, it was James. Oh shit!
“She’s not here.”
“I need to talk to her,” his eyes looked haunted.
“Not here.”
“I love her,” he replied, like a broken confession.
“James, I can’t help you.”
“Can I come in,” he asked.
Amy took in his disheveled appearance and red-rimmed eyes; he was a carbon copy of Reina. “You have five minutes,” she said, opening the door wider.
James stopped near the breakfast bar and closed his eyes, seeming to try to absorb the atmosphere. “How is she,” he asked quietly.
“I wouldn’t know, she doesn’t talk to me,” Amy quipped.
James stood there looking at her intently, as if expecting more.
“It depends on the moment. On good days she works all night and sleeps on the couch, on bad days she puts whiskey in her coffee.”
James hung his head and clenched his jaw.
Amy looked at him and sighed, “You might as well sit, but seriously, she can’t find you here. She’s a bit, ummm...unpredictable these days.”
He sat down obviously distracted, hands clenched on the table. “I need her, I need to fix this.”
“Look, I really can’t help you. I don’t even know how to help her. She won’t talk to me about it, at all. I’ve never seen her like this. She’s, ummmm...she’s not Ok. I don’t suggest telling her that though; she’s likely to bring up the fires of hell, or maybe cry, who knows.”
They both looked up as the door opened. Oh hell, Amy thought.
“Why are you in my house,” Reina spit out accusingly.
“Reina,” Amy started, this was not going to end well.
“I’m sorry Reina, I needed to see you,” James interrupted, fire in his veins.
Tears started welling up in her eyes, barbed wire around his heart. His instinct was to comfort her, protect her, and fix it.
“I don’t want to see you,” she said, voice breaking. “Don’t come here,” she continued, clenching her teeth.
“Reina, please,” James pleaded, barbed wire squeezing, fire in his soul. The emptiness in her eyes had been replaced by anger and pain. The pain cut straight through him, barbed wire around his lungs. Then she was gone, taking pieces of him with her. He clenched his hands unconsciously. Don’t break anything, he thought.
“I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but you better go find her,” Amy muttered.
James looked at her shocked.
“She’s not thinking rationally,” Amy continued. “She’s out of her depth; she’s going to end up doing something reckless, and I can’t reach her. She’s going to be pissed though, make no mistake about that.”
“Where would she go,” he asked. Amy made him a list and wished him luck; he was going to need it. All she could do was wait for Reina to return and deal with the repercussions.
Chapter 24
Reina only drove a couple of blocks before stopping on a side street to pull herself together. Body shaking, she couldn’t see through her tears. Being angry with him long distance was one thing, being in the same room with him was something entirely different. Her brain had screamed danger, her heart had cried for completion. Her body knew exactly what was missing and had been willing to step right into it. He was here, in her house. She couldn’t breathe.
When she had calmed her heart, slowed the tears, and curbed the pain to a dull roar she drove downtown. She walked along the Riverwalk hoping the water would help soothe her. She didn’t know what step to take next. James was in town and if he’d come to her house, she wasn’t going to be able to deflect forever. She was out of places to hide, no place left to run. She couldn’t escape James, couldn’t escape the pain, she couldn’t get away from any of it. Here she was, walking around crying for all the world to see. The only thing left to do today was drown it out, so she drove to The Crow’s Nest.
Joe came over to her spot at the bar, “Hi Reina.”
“Hey Joe.”
He must have sensed her mood, because he didn’t try to make conversation. “What can I get for ya?”
“Whiskey and coke please, and keep them coming.”
He raised an eyebrow at her, but got what she’d asked for. She drank the first as quickly as possible, and started nursing a second. The bar started filling up, but she was too lost in her aching heart to notice. What the hell was she going to do? The fact she was still thinking about it made her finish her second drink and get another. She was halfway through her third when a guy sat next to her. She was about to bite his head off, but when she looked up she noticed everything he wasn’t. He wasn’t James; in fact, he couldn’t be more different than James. She felt an evil little spark in her chest. When he introduced himself, she decided to play along. Screw James!
“I’m Mark.”
Like it matters, she thought. “Reina.”
“Mind if I sit here?”
“Sure,” she replied.
She let him make small talk, nodded at the appropriate moments, smiled occasionally, and kept drinking. Was she on her fourth or fifth? Did it matter? Feeling way too fuzzy around the edges, she heard “Wicked Game” come on the jukebox and decided she better go.
“That’s my cue, time to go home.”
“I could give you a ride,” Mark, or whatever his name was, replied.
The evil spark flared to life with too much whiskey. “You know what...sure. Why the hell not,” she replied.
It seemed like a fine idea until they reached the door and James was standing there. Fuck. The evil spark and the whiskey made her blood start rushing, heart pounding.
She stopped in front of him. “Really,” she asked sarcastically. Totally absorbed she for
got Mark was standing behind her, until he reached out and put his hand on her arm.
“Are we going,” he asked.
She side-stepped the touch but James was already between them, eyes murderous, body taut with a menacing stillness.
“I don’t know what you think this is, but you’re not walking out that door with her,” James said in a quietly dangerous tone.
The guy must have sensed the imminent danger because he didn’t push it; he threw up his hands and walked away. Reina on the other hand was not impressed.
She pushed him in the chest, “Seriously, why are you doing this to me? I was functioning just fine before I met you. Now, now I’m not functioning at all.” She gave him another small push “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
James was taking deep breaths, “I’m in love with you Reina.”
She looked at him for a moment, then let out a small mirthless laugh. She looked down, ran her tongue against the inside of her molars, and then laughed again.
“I can’t do this with you,” she said, looking back up at him.
“Reina...” He reached out to her, but she stepped back with fear in her eyes.
“Don’t touch me,” she breathed. “Do not touch me,” she repeated, walking towards the door.
James followed her at a safe distance. He didn’t think she was even aware she had tears in her eyes.
Reina knew she was too drunk to drive, so she started walking towards home. She cursed James under her breath as he drove behind her. She made it about two blocks before she had to stop and get sick in the bushes. James knelt beside her, but didn’t touch her.
“Don’t you have someone else to torment,” she asked sarcastically.