“Call you later?” he asked, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.
“Can’t wait,” I murmured against his lips as he kissed me one last time before shutting the door to my Jeep. He tapped my window three times, causing me to smile as I remembered his words from the night before.
He was laying on his side with his head propped up on one of his arms. “You know, we need a signal,” he spoke softly, focusing on the circles he was drawing on my stomach.
“A signal? For what?”
He raised his eyes to meet mine. “For when I want to tell you I love you. When I can’t say it out loud, or when we’re in a group and I want to be able to tell you what I’m thinking.”
I smiled as my body warmed and my heart beat a little faster. “OK…like what?”
He let his free arm drape across the bottom half of my stomach, wrapping his hand around my side. “How about I give you three little squeezes. One for each word.” He gently squeezed my side three times. “And if you want to say it back, you can do it four times.”
“Four? Why four?” I giggled.
“That way I’ll know you’re saying ‘I love you too’.”
“Oh.” I bit my lower lip in an attempt to keep myself from grinning like an idiot, but in that moment it was hard not too. It had been a perfect moment.
Like last night, a big goofy grin took over my face as I tapped the other side of my Jeep window four times before driving off.
When I walked into my house, I stopped and talked with my parents before heading up to my room. They asked how my weekend was and what Maya and I did all weekend. I told them we just hung out and ate s’mores. That way it wasn’t a total lie because, I mean, we did just hang out and we did eat a lot of s’mores. Regardless, they were none the wiser. They said they were glad I had a good weekend and that they were happy I was home. Then I retreated upstairs.
My sister must have been waiting for me to get home, because as soon as I walked into my room she was not far behind. “Did something happen this weekend?” Kenzie accused.
“No why?” I replied, slightly defensive.
“Yeah…OK.” She raised a brow. “Look, I don’t know what happened this weekend, but I thought you should know Gabe called the house like a million times looking for you. Lucky for you, every time I saw his number on caller ID I picked up the phone.”
Oh crap! Gabe was the one factor I didn’t think about in regards to my parents finding out the truth about this weekend. Why didn’t I just tell him about this weekend beforehand? It’s not like he wasn’t going to find out anyway. Then I remembered I never returned his call from Friday. Why did I not think to do that on my way home?
“What? Gabe called the house? Why wouldn’t he just call my cell?”
“He said he tried, but you wouldn’t answer. I told him you were staying with Maya for the weekend, so he should try getting ahold of her. He said that he did. But when he called her house, her mom said she was staying with us for the weekend.”
I didn’t have any missed calls other than his initial one. Service must have been bad at the ranch house. God, I hope my parents hadn’t tried to get ahold of me too. My eyes went wide.
“Do mom and dad know?” I panicked.
“Also lucky for you, I am great at running recon. So no. And look, I don’t know where you two were this weekend, but you should really call Gabe because he seemed concerned.”
“Thanks Kenz. I owe you. You’re the best!”
“I know, I know. Just add it to my tab,” she said with a smile as she walked away, waving her hand in the air dismissively.
I seriously had the coolest little sister. If it weren’t for her, I would currently be in deep trouble. I would have to make it up to her. I also needed to call Gabe back. I made another mental note to do that as soon as I unpacked. Although by the time I unpacked my stuff it was time for dinner, and then Jake called, and then I got ready for bed and totally forgot. It wasn’t until I heard my window open that I remembered I never called Gabe back.
“Jake?” I called out. I’m not sure why I would assume it was Jake. Jake had only crawled through my window once, and Gabe had done it more times then I could even remember.
“No. Just me. Sorry to disappoint you.” I could hear the irritation in his voice as Gabe made his way inside my room, causing me to immediately regret mentioning Jake’s name. “Why would you assume I was him anyway? There is only one time to my knowledge that he has even done this. Unless you would like to correct that?” he spit out and then stalked into my bathroom.
“No! He has only done it once!” I don’t know why my first reaction was to go on the defense. I mean, Jake is my boyfriend. He has just as much right – no, more right – to crawl through my window if he wants to. “Wait. Why am I defending what Jake does or does not do? That’s none of your business anyway,” I stomped after him, “And you shouldn’t be here.”
He stopped and turned to face me. He didn’t look angry like I expected him to. He just looked – sad. “Why? Because of him?” If I wouldn’t have just heard it in his voice, I would have known just by looking at him. Gabe was a wreck. I could see the hurt all over his face, which made my next words that much harder to say.
“Yes,” I choked out. “He doesn’t like that you crawl through my window, Gabe,” I said in a small voice.
“So what? You get a boyfriend and he gets to dictate when you hang out with your friends? You don’t get to make your own decisions any more? Is that it?” The irritation was back in his voice. That, mixed with the fact that he was accusing Jake of being some controlling jerk, did not sit well with me.
“Would you like another guy – one who you knew was in love with your girlfriend – to crawl into her window at night? I don’t think so,” I snapped. I knew that was harsh, but I couldn’t stop the words from coming out. “And I don’t like you making it sound like Jake controls me. Because he doesn’t. But I know this bothers him; it would bother me. And I love him so…” The look on his face when those words came out was enough to shut me up. It made me want to fix it somehow. But what was there to fix? I can’t apologize for loving Jake.
“Did you sleep with him?” His words were strained and there was no hiding the devastation in his voice.
“What?” I managed, his question taking me by surprise. Where did that even come from? One minute we were in an argument, and the next Gabe was asking me this and looking worse than I had ever seen him. How could I answer him when I knew the answer to his question would crush him?
“Answer the question, Emma. You were gone all weekend. I know you were with him. Did. You. Sleep with him?” The look on his face alone was enough to break my heart.
“Why does that matter?”
“It just does. Now answer the question.”
“Gabe…” My eyes filled with tears. Just because I am not in love with Gabe doesn’t mean I want to hurt him. He is one of my best friends, and I hate that his feelings grew stronger than mine. I knew because of that, I was about to ruin the friendship that we had. I never asked for my friend to fall in love with me.
“I know the answer. I can see it all over your face. I just need to hear you say it.” There was a harshness in his voice that I had never heard before, and I knew it was because he was hurting.
“Yes,” I whispered, unable to look him in the eyes as I spoke.
Gabe choked up. “How long?” I could hear the tears that were threatening, and that made it that much harder to answer him.
“Why are you doing this?”
“How long, Emma? How long have you been sleeping with him?” The hurt in his voice was killing me.
A tear escaped down my face. “This weekend was the first time,” I spoke in a small voice with my eyes clamped shut, as if that would somehow make this any better.
“Damn it, Emma, I love you. And I know you love me too,” Gabe cried out. “I can feel it when I’m with you, and I can see it on your face.”
There was no stopping
the tears that were now freely falling. “I do love you, Gabe. Just not how you want me too. I’m not in love with you. But you’re my best guy friend, and I don’t want to lose you.”
He reached out and grabbed both of my shoulders. “Then don’t. Choose me instead,” he pleaded. “You just said I was your best guy friend. The fact that you had to clarify has to count for something.”
How do I explain to him that I only said best guy friend because it was that simple. Maya was my best friend, and he was just my best friend that was a guy – not that, that means he was any less special. “Gabe,” my voice trailed off.
“Emma, I’ve waited over a year for you to see that it was me. I knew I loved you from the moment I first saw you. It was when you and Maya walked onto the courts to practice with us for the first time – the summer before school started. Do you remember that?” I nodded. “You were wearing a white tank top and those short pink shorts that I love, that I couldn’t believe you were allowed out of the house in, but I was damn sure glad that you were. You were smiling that big, beautiful smile of yours when you walked up. You didn’t look nervous at all, and all I could think about was how I was going to get you onto my court. Because I had to know you. Then, when you looked over at me and shared that smile, I knew I was gone.”
“I was terrified,” I corrected. Gabe looked at me with a puzzled expression. “I was terrified that day, walking onto the courts with a bunch of high school kids that already knew each other. I was so thankful when you and Dylan asked us to hit on your court. I knew right away that we were going to be friends.”
Gabe let out a frustrated sigh. “Maybe I should have made my move earlier. But, Emma, I just kept waiting for you to see that it was me,” he growled. “Who was there for you when you were upset over losing your car? Me. Who was there for you when that creep broke your heart? Me. Who was there for you this last year when anything bad happened? Me. I’ve always been there for you, Em. It’s always been me, biding my time and waiting for you to realize…” Gabe’s voice cracked, and he looked away as he took a deep breath. “It should have been me.” His voice was heavy with grief as he looked up at me. “I’ve loved you from the beginning. You and your big heart and wide-eyed, bright smile. You took my heart and I can never get it back. You’ve wrecked me for everyone else, Emma. It’s always going to be you. You’re it for me.”
The pain in his eyes was almost too much to bear. Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to ruin everything? “Gabe…” I let out in a shaky whisper, “I thought we were friends?”
“We were,” he said defeated, letting go of my shoulders and dropping his head.
“Wait? What are you saying?”
He looked back up at me. “I can’t do this, Emma. I can’t watch you love him. It’s either him or me.”
“Gabe. Don’t make me do this!” I cried. “How can you ask me to choose? I love you both, just in different ways.” I looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice. Then I set my gaze back on his. “You’re breaking my heart,” I whispered.
“Then I guess you can rebuild it with all of my shattered pieces. Because they belong to you. They always will.”
That was the last thing Gabe said to me before he walked out of my bathroom and crawled out my bedroom window, leaving me standing there as my brain attempted to realize that I was losing one of my best friends. He was asking me to make an impossible choice. How could he ask me to pick between the boy who had become my best friend and the one that I loved? Numb, I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.
***
With each new day, I kept waiting for Gabe to come up and apologize; to tell me that we could go back to being friends; that we could go back to the way things were before everything got all screwed up.
But he never did.
I barely even saw him anymore because, apparently, he made avoiding me his new life goal.
I had broken down and cried when I told Maya what happened originally. She had soothed and said everything would work itself out. That day I thought she was right. “You broke his heart, Em,” she had said as she stroked my hair, letting me cry. “He just needs time. Give it some time and it will all be all right. You’ll see.” I remember thinking she was right and that in time we could go back to being friends. To being us. And I let myself be happy under the guise of “time”.
Well, the days turned to weeks. Before I knew it, we were getting ready to walk out of school for the last time before Christmas break. I got so used to telling myself not to worry because all Gabe needed was time, and that he would walk back into my life when he was ready, that I didn’t realize how long it had been.
That, and I hate to admit it, but Jake is a great distraction. When I’m with him I don’t even think about missing my friend. Truth is, when I’m not with Jake, I’m in a group with Jake, Maya, and Evan. The four of us hang out all the time and go on double dates, even though they swear up and down that it’s not a date and that they are just friends. So all of that, then throw in studying for finals, and I just didn’t realize so much time had gone by since I last spoke to Gabe.
Even though I hadn’t spent much time recently with Ryan and Dylan, I still hunted them down before leaving school the last day and told them we needed to do something over the break. They agreed that we should get together, but I couldn’t tell if they were being sincere or not. The problem is, Gabe was their friend before they were mine. After Gabe left my house that night, it’s like our friends had to choose sides too. Honest to God, this whole thing is like a bad break up. Yet, before I let myself get too worked up about it, I found Jake and wrapped my arms around him, allowing myself to get lost in his embrace.
Jake had gotten good at seeing me and knowing when I was upset over the Gabe thing. He had been genuinely concerned about me when I told him what happened between Gabe and I. Jake had told me if taking the window thing away from him was the issue, he trusted me enough to not let me lose my friend over it. He had even asked if him talking to Gabe would help, but I told him it would just make it worse. So, since then, whenever I needed for him to hold me, he was there with open arms until I was ready to let go. As if he wasn’t perfect enough as it is.
Once I trusted myself to be OK, I unwrapped myself from his arms and we met up with Maya and Evan. As the four of us walked out of the building together, Maya was on a roll about all the festivities she had planned for us. She literally had planned out our Christmas break without missing any details. We had movies we had to see, caroling, cookie decorating, Starbucks dates, pizza nights, etc. I kid you not – she even had allotted certain days for Jake and I to go on dates. It was hysterical. A part of me knew her obsessive planning was to keep me busy during the break, so that I would not have time to think about the Gabe thing and I loved her for it. Another part of me wished Gabe could just be my friend again, and that part was still sad.
A few nights into Christmas break was finally a day Maya had planned out as a date night, so she came over to help me get ready for my date with Jake. As usual, when Maya comes over to help me get ready, I made myself comfortable in my bowl chair while she rummaged through my closet to pick out an outfit for me.
I had my legs tucked into my chest as I watched her sort through my sweaters. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
“Oh my, sweet little Em. Yes I do! Have you seen what you wear to school? I am not sending you out with Jake without my help,” she teased.
“Hey!” I squealed. “I’m not that bad at dressing myself,” I laughed. “But you know what I mean. I really would be OK if I had a moment to myself.” I looked at my friend sweetly, willing her to see she could still have a life and not worry about me for the foreseeable future.
Maya stepped out of my closet and leaned against the wall, crossing her arms. “Look, bitch. Would you let me wallow in my sadness, withering away all alone if the situation were reversed?” she raised a brow.
“Well not when you put it like that,�
�� I laughed.
“So we’re good then?” Not that she cared about my answer because she was back in my closet as soon as her words were out. I shook my head as I settled back into my chair. Lord knows I love that girl.
All of two minutes later she was handing me the “Maya approved” outfit and telling me to hurry and change so she could have time to fix me up before Jake got here. When he finally arrived, she walked me to the door and told him it was his turn, kissed my cheek, and then said not to do anything she wouldn’t do. I rolled my eyes as Jake walked me to his car.
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, Emma Crawford,” she called out.
I turned to Jake. “How does she always know?” I whispered.
Laughing, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “I don’t know. But tonight you’re finally all mine. So how hungry are you, because I’m thinking we should just skip dinner? What do you think?”
I looked over at him and he was giving me big puppy dog eyes, which made me laugh. I swatted his arm before saying, “Uh, no. Dinner first because I’m starving, and then we can do anything you want.”
“Anything?” he asked with a sexy smirk, stopping in front of the passenger door and pulling me into him.
I gave him a knowing smile. Thanks to finals, the last two weeks had been all about studying and cramming for tests. Sure we hung out, but we always seemed to end up in a group – leaving us both dying for some alone time. “Yes, anything. As long as you feed me first.”
Jake abruptly stepped back and opened my door. “Well get in, woman. We need to go get you food. Are you fine with a drive-through?”
“Jake!” I laughed.
“I’m sorry, Emma,” he teased. “Can you blame a guy for trying?” He shot me a wink, closed my door, and then ran around to the other side. Once he was in his truck, he gave me one of his perfect smiles as he reached over and squeezed my hand three times.
“I love you too, you big dork.” It made me smile every time he did that. It was our own personal secret – something special that just he and I shared, and I loved it every time.
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