Zainab was so hard to predict. Philip did not know what to expect but he certainly didn’t expect the simple smile she had greeted him with as soon as he came through the room door. It seemed to be a smile of victory, as if she had expected him to come looking for her. She had proven something to herself and maybe to him.
“Come. Sit down!” she beckoned, still smiling like a secondary school girl who was being wooed. Philip stared around the unsophisticated hotel room. There was nowhere decent enough to sit except the bed. He obliged, keeping what he thought was a safe distance. She looked into his face.
“What can I do for you?” she asked rhetorically, still smiling, tight-lipped this time.
Philip pondered briefly on the question. It was a good question? Why did he come here? What did he want from her? To come back home? Maybe he should simply have let her be. She continued talking, adjusting her scarf, tightly wrapped around her scalp.
“You said I was making you sin so I decided to leave your house so it can be sanctified!”
Philip did not know how to respond to that but he attempted.
“Hassan is coming. I do not want him to get the impression that I sent you out”
“So, Hassan wants me to come back to your house, right?” Zainab giggled.
“How long do you intend to stay here. This house of yours in Agyirigano, when will it finally be ready?”
“I can take care of myself, Oga. Even if it’s one month, I will foot the bill! Why are you bothering yourself? I don’t want to tempt you anymore now!”
The game went on and on: Philip refusing to tell her directly to ‘come home’ and she was trying her possible best to make him accept that he wanted her back. That he missed her. That he loved her? Eventually she simply sprang up and went for her luggage in the wardrobe. She had hardly unpacked. And it was just some hand luggage, in the note she had let him know she would return for the rest when her house was ready. Philip helped her with the small box, paid off the bill for the night and soon they were back home. It felt like bringing one’s wife back home after a nasty quarrel, like some kind of makeup was necessary. Then the atmosphere changed again, like it was the first night she arrived. Like it was the night he came back from Nigeria. A similar sequence of event unfolded and in three hours, they fell asleep in each other’s arms, both topless, both spent from exertion, both burdened with guilt yet not wanting to leave the bed. Philip’s bed. And the Silent Whisper was silent.
Philip couldn’t muster courage for another prayer for forgiveness. He just let things be as they were. Somewhere down in his heart he feared that his conscience could be growing callous. He wasn’t feeling it anymore, the heaviness in the aftermath. It began to feel normal, something natural, something necessary. Hassan understood. He even asked him whether he loved her. Philip didn’t answer. Hassan spent the week in Accra in the same room as Zainab. Often on those nights Philip would hear the sound of giggling and wince. It would have been so much more straightforward if they could just let things flow and not feel the need to repent. Just before Hassan left, he helped Zainab move to her new apartment. Philip could not believe how much she acted as if she did not know him from Adam. At least that was how he felt. Hasan’s presence seemed to change the atmosphere dramatically. But why was he hurt? He had no claim on her, did he? He ought to have been elated that someone was taking away the source of his problems. It was all such an emotional roller coaster.
Voices from the immediate past kept ringing in his head. Voices that had spoken about these near-sex experiences with Zainab Audu Garba.
Emem: “... Some ladies just give themselves a target to bring a man down. It’s like an oath, once they are done they have won!”
Lara: “Ha ha ha ha. You! Claiming to be virgin, after all you have done. Which kain virgin be dat?”
Amarachi: “Look, if your right eye causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. Philip cut that girl off and throw her away! It may hurt but that’s what you need to do.”
Wole: “… it often depends on upbringing. Some ladies don’t see kissing as a breach of the boundaries…”
Elder Onuzo: “… no matter how many times you sin, each time it happens, make sure you pray and repent. The Lord will give you grace…”
Zainab: “I will haunt you! Even in your dreams I will haunt you…”
His thoughts were broken twice by two calls that Saturday evening as he spent the time completely alone the first time in a very long time. The first call was from Amanda Okoro, the second was from Helen Eduful. He picked neither. He was already having enough issues. The next day he managed to catch up with Miss Botchway and her daughter after service and they had a long chat as he narrated his story again with much discomfort and shame. He did leave out the gory details and especially left out the fact that he had repeated the sin just a few days earlier. It was too shameful.
“The way you give these accounts, I get the impression that you believe it is all Zainab’s fault”, she commented. Philip stared at her slightly wrinkled face. She smiled gently and continued:
“You didn’t say so but that may be how you feel. You are the holy one and all the ladies are targeting you because you are well of. That may not be the case you know”
She allowed him to ponder over her statement then added, “I wish I could speak with her too…”
“And you must realize Philip, that there is a world of difference between a request for forgiveness and actual repentance. We can ask for forgiveness and be very emotional about it. We cry and wail and make promises and pledges but the very next day we repeat the sin. It is called a besetting sin. The primary way to deal with it is radical repentance. Sometimes radical repentance means removing permanently the source of our trouble even if it hurts deeply! Remember what Jesus said, ‘If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off..., Let’s read it… Matthew five twenty-nine.”
She pulled out her Bible and opened the passage.
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
“Imagine the hurt if we actually had to literally pluck out our eyes when they looked at something unhealthy on TV for example. Or if we had to cut off our hands if we used them to hurt someone or steal… that is the vehemence with which Jesus wants us to throw away things that cause sin. Let’s assume you even love Zainab, you cannot build a lasting relationship with her given the events that you have narrated to me. It’s not a good foundation. You must let her go!”
Miss Botchway’s manner of speech was ever so soft. Even when she used strong terms she didn’t raise her voice or strain herself. Her emotions were very much under control. Her tone indicated such firmness but you could never accuse her of being rude or judgmental. Whenever she spoke the name of Jesus, she spoke very affectionately, like he was standing right by her and paused for half a second like his name brought a memory of having seen Him face to face.
“Mummy are we going yet?” asked Naa. She called out from a distance. Her Mom and Philip had been leaning against their car for almost forty-five minutes. Philip smiled, feeling for her. He excused himself and walked over to his own car and set off for home.
He thought about Miss Botchway’s demeanor on his way home. She reminded him of someone. Yes! She really did pass for an older version of Mrs. Ade-Williams. He was sure she would turn out as a sound counsellor as she aged. He imagined they would still be great friends wherever she was, wherever he was, and whomever he was eventually married to.
Repentance
“He who covers his sins will not prosper,
But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” Proverbs 28:13
Two weeks passed, and Philip went through the routine of waking early, going to w
ork and returning to an empty house. The routine slightly changed when he went to church on Wednesdays. He seemed to be getting a bit more regular at the worship services. He had spoken to Abena for three weeks either, just a few lines of text on WhatsApp. Helen was always there, smiling at him in the office, making jokes he rarely laughed at. No calls from Emem or Lara but Amara called to ensure Zainab was no longer in his house. Once again in his life in Accra, he was for all intents and purposes alone.
After service on the second Wednesday, he got chatting with Miss Botchway again.
“I know once I get married, all this will go away…”
Miss Botchway laughed softly. “That is not necessarily true. Paul did say it is better to marry than to burn but marriage is not the solution to sin, Jesus is”
“Are you saying marriage will not help me get over my weaknesses?”
“Marriage is not just about sex, Philip dear. And think of it like this: if you have never taken cold water and you take it for the first time, you will want more. If you lack control when you do get married, being married will not magically make you contain yourself. Self-control is a battle that must be settled before one gets married. Sex with one person will never satisfy you in this world without the help of the Holy Spirit. And you do know that the fact that we are not having literal sex does not mean we are sexually pure in God’s sight. Sexual purity is first and foremost mental.”
“Very thought provoking. Very scary”
“Yes”
A relatively long silence ensued. It gave Philip time to think. Could he survive another fifty years on earth without sexual sin? He had made it to his late thirties without the actual sex act, but like Lara mocked, he had no right to call himself a virgin. He was way past that. He noticed Miss. Botchway glancing at her watch. It was almost 9:00 PM and her daughter would call her anytime soon.
Miss. Botchway looked around the auditorium. It was full of soft, deep blue seats in perfect array forming an incredible pattern if one could take an aerial view from those expensive flood lights hanging from the roof. It was full of seats now but almost empty of people. The last batch of ushers went to and fro and some turned off the air conditioners. It was almost time to go.
“Philip,” Miss. Botchway called, breaking into his deep thoughts, “Let’s take a walk outside…”
She breathed heavily as she stood up. Philip reached out to help her but hesitated. He would rather avoid touching her. There was something that excited him about older women who managed to keep their youth whether it was by being contemporary in their dressing or expressing significant intelligence. It was more intense when they happened to be single or their husbands happened to be absent somehow. He wasn’t so sure whether it was really a sexual attraction. It could not be! But it was certainly some kind of attraction. He had developed such an attraction for Miss. Botchway in such a short time and she had observed it but she was very much in control. As they walked out side by side to the exterior of the thousand-seater church auditorium, she spoke up again:
“Philip,”
“Yes, Madam?”
“How would you describe the difference between forgiveness and repentance?”
“Well, forgiveness is what God does to us when we repent!”
Philip sounded very academic in his response and Miss Botchway smiled lovingly. She even glanced at him. It was a smile easy to misconstrue if the discussion had a been a different one.
“That is close to the truth. But you know, God forgives us when we ask for forgiveness not actually when we repent.”
She reached for her phone and read first John chapter one verses six to ten:
“6 If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.”
Philip knew this scripture by heart. He had prayed extensively with it many times. Often when he quoted it, he did so aggressively and passionately, trying to convince himself that God had actually forgiven him for yet another near-sex experience with Zainab or some other young lady. He knew that God would forgive but he could not tell for how long God would keep forgiving. The other scripture in Hebrews chapter ten verse twenty-six often jumped at him making it difficult to accept God’s forgiveness after so many failures.
“You know Philip,” Miss Botchway started again, ever so gently, “The first part of the passage tells us that we cannot remain in fellowship with the Father while walking in darkness. The second half, verses eight to ten, tells us that we can get God’s forgiveness simply by confessing our sins. Once we accept our sin, confess and ask forgiveness, our fellowship is restored. It is very important to do this as quickly as possible because it keeps us out of Satan’s reach but … but, what is more important is dealing with sin to the extent that we are no longer repeating it”
She paused and breathed heavily. She remembered her own sins. Like the Jews who dropped their stones at the feet of Jesus when the adulteress was pardoned, she had found in her own life that it was always easier to understand and forgive others whose sins were similar to one’s own. She had lost count of how many abortions she had when she was much younger, many of them years after she had confessed Christ as Lord and Saviour. She knew what it meant to deal with besetting sins. She knew what iniquity was.
“Let me say one last thing before I leave you. It’s getting very late. In fact, I am surprised Naa hasn’t called yet. OK. Philip, when I was young, I had a Pastor who was very patient with me. When he could not take my repeated failures anymore, he told me what the Bible meant when it said ‘… iniquity was found in him…’ referring to Lucifer. He said that our acts of sin are symptoms, sin itself is the common denominator among all men, the nature that Jesus came to take away. But iniquity can be thought of as a flaw in our beings that manifests in repeated acts of sin. It could be anger, sex, theft and so on. A manifestation of something rooted in us that God needs to uproot. Often, we have to take drastic actions to have that iniquity uprooted. Let’s get back to the subject of repentance. To repent is to turn away from something decisively. The interesting thing is that while forgiveness is His part, repentance is our part. We must go beyond repeatedly asking for forgiveness to actually turning away from our sin. Drastic actions are often required to make this happen in us. God is not powerless to deliver us but we must position ourselves correctly and demonstrate that we are willing to be influenced by His Holy Spirit in a permanent way. I hope you understand?”
Philip nodded.
The ride home was full of deep thought for Philip. He knew what he had to do. He had to go and apologize to Zainab and let her know he no longer wanted to blame her for all his failures. The iniquity was in him, he did not need to blame someone else for his own failures. If Zainab wasn’t there, someone else would be. Maybe Lara, or Emem, Abena, or Helen …. It was just a matter of time and opportunity, anyone of them could have been a victim of his own iniquity. She didn’t have to feel it was all her fault. He had to go and apologize and make things right.
It was a noble thought he toyed with for another week and then placed a call. She sent him her location on Google Map and he drove there from work the following Friday evening. He felt an unhealthy excitement, there was an eerie silence all over him that evening, but he went anyway. An hour’s drive, the traffic along Achimota Highway was jaw breaking as usual. Those travelling to Nsawam and beyond competed with those who had built their houses at Pokuase, Amasaman, Kuntunse, Medie and all along the way and of course the roads were bad.
There was a power outage in Zainab’s new area. It was rare in Adabraka and Zainab reminisced on her
days in Philip’s house. Things were a bit easier. She certainly couldn’t afford a three-bedroom flat and certainly not a large compound like Philip’s. Living alone wasn’t much fun either so she had to keep inviting her friends to stay over especially Erobosa. She never stopped tickling Zainab’s imagination with all her escapades. Zainab missed Philip. He couldn’t have showed up at a better time that Friday evening – she was lonely, it was dark and she sat in the dark having no use for the lamp, she was not dressed for visitors, just her shorts and vest. The weather was so hot she would even have sat naked if she could. She had no idea Philip would come around so when she heard the knock on the door she opened eagerly, desperate for company. Their eyes met and she muttered “Hello” but turned back into her one room self-contained apartment, leaving the door ajar. Philip took that as an invitation to enter. He hesitated. “Why are the lights out?” He asked, almost as if they had been on talking terms all the while. As if nothing had happened. As if Miss Botchway never existed. As if he had lost touch with his memory. Zainab felt as though they were starting over where they left off.
“Did you see light in any other house when you were coming?”
Philip chuckled.
“I mean don’t you have a lamp or something?”
Entangled: A Little Too Many, A Little Too Close Page 14