by M. M. Koenig
Jackson took a deep breath and squeezed me around the waist. I grabbed my phone to check the time. I had about an hour to get to Ethan’s place. I needed to pull it together. I had a really bad feeling about this trip. Heading into the entire thing being utterly irate with Ethan didn’t help the situation.
“You need to consider letting us help you find out more about Harrison. We should see what Jayden can find,” Jackson reiterated.
I found the place deep within myself that carried all my self-hatred for bringing this mess into our lives. It flowed through every pore, fighting off any impulses to give in to Jackson.
“I won’t dig any deeper. I’ve already done enough damage,” I replied pigheadedly.
Jackson huffed. “You can’t live your life in fear. You aren’t living if that’s the case.”
I sighed. “I don’t know how I got like this, but it’s who I’ve become since Micah left.”
I closed my eyes to fight off the tears trying to break free. I knew Jackson had a valid point, but it was too late. I opened my eyes to see a heavy amount of sorrow on his face. He grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“You’ve got to stop punishing yourself. You may have made some mistakes, but if you keep allowing them to rule every decision you make going forward, then yes, you’ll be at fault for how it turns out in the end. You need to find that part of yourself that believes in your abilities. You lost that when Micah left. I can understand it to a degree; but Mia, you have the capability to accomplish so much if you put your mind to it,” Jackson said softly.
I inhaled sharply. “I just don’t trust myself enough not to screw things up any further.”
“You need to try. It’s been long enough. If you truly want to become whole again, you need to try a lot harder at reconnecting with the parts of you that make you who you are at the end of the day. If you want to be better, like you say you do, you have to try to be that way. It doesn’t happen if you don’t put in the effort.” I opened my mouth for a rebuttal, but he pinched my lips shut. “I want you to try when you go on this trip with Ethan. Find the journalist in you and dig deeper,” Jackson insisted.
“I never know how far I can go without Ethan flipping out. So many topics set him off – it’s a fine line to walk. Anything concerning the company is explosive,” I admitted.
“You can do this Mia. Ask the hard questions and refuse to let go until Ethan gives you something worthwhile,” Jackson persisted.
“I’ll try, but I don’t expect to gain much from it,” I answered doubtfully.
Jackson shook his head before grabbing my chin. He looked me square in the eye with so much sincerity that it made me nervous at what he was about to say. “You know, I never stopped believing in you, so you need to start having a little more faith. If you won’t for yourself, then do it for the rest of us. We’ve all had a hard time since Micah disappeared last year, but it ultimately brought us closer.”
I winced at his heartfelt, yet heartbreaking, words. They dealt with a version of me that was close to intolerable for a very long time. My chest compressed tightly. I was about a step away from an anxiety attack. “I’m sorry Jackson. I never meant to drag you guys down with me, but I know in some ways I did,” I said, my voice fading towards the end.
“I know you’re sorry, Mia. We all do,” Jackson said quietly.
“You’ll never know how happy I am for dragging that trashcan over to you our first day of Intro to Journalism. I did it as a joke, but ended up walking away with someone I consider family,” I whispered.
Jackson chuckled. “Ah yes … the infamous trashcan incident. I figured you couldn’t be that bad if you were willing to help a fella out. And for the record, I’ll always believe in you. You’re my best girl.”
I sighed. Jackson had been so damn sweet with me. It was exactly what I needed to get on that plane. I gave him a tight hug and rose from the couch. I had to get a move on or I’d have another issue to deal with.
I arrived at Ethan’s apartment and he met me in the garage. We left without a word to one another. Once we were at the airport, we kept our distance from each other. There were plenty of couples walking by, clearly in love with one another, but outwardly, we were certainly not one of them. As we sat on the plane in first class, my fury about our blowout resurfaced. Ethan sat next to me with the same level of anger – I could tell by the inflexible expression on his face. I had a window seat so my eyes drifted out it. If one of us didn’t wave the white flag soon, it was going to be a long flight.
Shortly before takeoff, the pads of his fingers ran along my arm and startled me. I refrained from looking at him. His touch alone was distracting enough. The trail his fingers made left small sparks under my skin. If I looked at him, he’d make me forget about all the reasons why we needed to talk. It pissed me off that he had that hold over me even when I was angry with him. I got lost watching the baggage handlers outside my window. It reminded me of my own emotional luggage that I had yet to sort out. My conversation with Jackson filled my mind. I had to try to be better.
Ethan made the first sound I had heard from him in over an hour when he started to lightly chuckle. I peered over to see what was so funny. His eyes darted down the aisle to the bathrooms. He raised an eyebrow. I scowled and went back to my window. He let out a drawn breath before gripping my chin to make me look at him.
“Oh, come on, joining the mile high club is on both our bucket lists,” Ethan joked.
I wiggled out of his grasp and hissed, “Ask me on the flight home. If we actually talk, as you promised, I’ll consider it. At this point, you’re going to be lucky if you get any at all.”
The pilot’s voice notified us of departure. The flight attendants did a final walkthrough before taking their seats. Five minutes later, the plane headed down the runway. As we took off, my eyelids shut and I kept them that way. Ethan ran his fingers to my neck to urge me closer. I opened my eyes to his gorgeous face that was patiently begging for me to relax. I caved and rested my head against his arm. My insides were a mess. I was beyond angry, but snuggling against him brought calmness to me.
Ethan sighed. “I’m sorry Mia. I should’ve said it earlier. I was still very angry with you and I knew you were certainly pissed with me.”
My anger reemerged and bounced around like a pinball. “It’s not in the past tense. I’m still livid with you. You refused to tell me what this is all about, let alone why I have to go with you, but then you threw in a healthy dose of guilt. What did you expect?”
My ears popped as the plane rose to its cruising altitude. Ethan fixed his eyes forward without a word in return.
You need to try Mia. You can’t keep walking away when it gets difficult.
I separated myself from him. “Ethan, I won’t apologize anymore. Every fight we’ve had at your office has resulted in you rubbing my face in what I withheld from you. Either let it go or let me go,” I said in an agonized whisper.
Ethan placed my hand over his heart, which was beating like a racehorse. I squeezed at his chest before gazing at his frantic eyes.
“I don’t want you to let me go, but I can’t keep saying I’m sorry either. I’m trying to move forward. If you keep dragging me back to the biggest mistake I ever made, I’ll never be able to do it. I beat myself up enough about it. It makes it worse when you pile on too,” I admitted.
“Mia, I can’t be without you. I don’t do it intentionally, and certainly never to hurt you. I’m sorry. That place is poison for us. It has always brought out the worst in me,” Ethan murmured.
The flight attendants were back in the aisles. I flagged the young brunette down and asked for a vodka tonic. Ethan followed my lead and ordered himself another crown coke. Once we had our drinks, I focused on him.
“So we’re going to Orange County. What are we going to be doing in SoCal?” I asked before taking a long drink.
Ethan stirred his glass and said, “We have several meetings in a variety of cities that we’ll take
before heading home. Our meeting in the afternoon will be with one of the brokers out in The Spectrum.”
I frowned. “The what-now?”
“The Irvine Spectrum,” Ethan clarified with a smirk.
“What’s the meeting about?” I asked cautiously.
“There’s a plot of land up for investment that’ll produce billions. We’re here to place a bid for it,” Ethan answered, with less humor.
I cocked an eyebrow and asked, “Is this to help the company, or you?”
Ethan’s smirk vanished and he hissed abrasively, “If you’re going to start this line of questioning while we’re in flight, I ask that you exert some control over your mouth. I’d rather not fly off the handle with you in front of everyone.”
Shit – already? That question wasn’t even that bad.
“I didn’t ask to piss you off. I asked because I’m confused. I need more details, if only to have some peace of mind. You have no idea how much I remain oblivious when it comes to that place. I never push you for more and it’s because of that very reaction. That side of you scares the hell out of me,” I confessed.
The walls around my heart were starting to climb up. Having Ethan flip out at the simplest of questions made it difficult to keep moving forward together. I desperately wanted to know more, if only to determine what I was in for by being with him. My chest tightened at the prospect of never finding out. Ethan polished off his drink and ordered another round for us. I finished mine and waited for him to pick up the conversation. I didn’t have it in me to keep pressing for answers just to come up empty. It was all too familiar.
“Where are you on the anger-o-meter?” Ethan asked warily.
I sighed. “I’d say about an eight.”
Ethan produced a half smile. “I’m a seven. Can we come to a compromise?”
My lips twitched. “It depends.”
“You love responding that way. You do it more than you think,” Ethan pointed out. I arched an eyebrow. “Do you remember when we played six-for-six?”
My eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “Are you proposing we do that now?”
“I’ll answer questions but I want to ban a few items while we’re in the air. I’d rather not go into a fit of rage with no way to get away from you,” Ethan said before downing his entire drink.
“What topics are on the banned list?”
The intensity as Ethan stared at me made me wonder what was on his mind, because he seemed torn. He swallowed hard and answered, “Sean, Colin, and my dad are off limits. The corruption within those walls is also out for now.”
I huffed. He had taken nearly half of my questions out of the picture. Ethan narrowed his eyes to show that it wasn’t negotiable. My lips fell to a flat line, but I nodded in agreement. “The power of veto still stands if a question is going to make us even angrier.”
“Is this limited to six questions?”
“No limitations, just try your best to keep it simple, at least until we land. Oh, and you can’t ask me about why Colin asked about you. Does that work?” Ethan inquired in a tone that was tentative, yet hopeful.
“Can I go first, since you went first last time?” I asked, resting my hands on the table tray.
“Yes, but I want one thing before you begin,” he requested.
I angled my head towards his, feeling uncertain. Ethan grasped my neck to inch me closer. He leaned forward, but paused before he hit my lips to ask for permission. My eyes flicked back and forth as the smell of him intoxicated me. I opened my lips to run my tongue along the outline of his mouth. He ran his fingers up along my jaw and rested them on my cheekbones. He parted his lips to take my mouth deeper. His tongue grazed my teeth as he surged towards the insides of my cheeks before rising to the top of my mouth. Ethan tangled his tongue with mine as he sucked every part of me into him. I willed my body to remember that I was on a plane. He gently pulled away while trailing his fingers down my cheek. I leaned back, completely out of breath. The passengers around us whipped back to what they were doing.
“Whoa,” I gasped.
Ethan smiled as he took my hand, flagged down the flight attendant, and requested two more drinks. “I feel a lot better. Do you?”
“Umm … yes, I don’t feel as pissed off, but I don’t want you to distract me like that again until we’re on the runway. Can I ask my question now?” I asked impatiently.
Ethan chuckled. “Fire away.”
I inhaled deeply. “You said your dad had a plan for you, but I can tell you hate working there. How did you end up there and why did you stay for your mom?”
Our drinks arrived and we both eagerly picked them up. “That’s flirting with trouble, but I’ll answer it.” I shrugged. Ethan gazed at me intently and said, “I ended up working for him because it cut down the beatings at home. He still kicked the shit out of me, but he was a man built upon appearance. He refrained from doing so at work.”
Talk about a no-win situation for him.
My heart dropped. I squeezed his hand tightly.
“It really sucks you ended up there for that reason. I’m sorry,” I said softly.
Ethan sighed. “I don’t want you to think about that aspect of it. He’s rotting in hell where he belongs.” A small grin graced his gorgeous face as he continued, “I also knew that if I mastered everything within those walls, I’d know exactly how to tear them down. You learn the weakness of a structure by examining it from the inside out.”
I chewed on my lip nervously.
Ethan rolled his eyes and asked, “What is it Mia?”
“What was your mom’s dying wish?”
“I stuck around home to keep her from getting beat. By the time I turned eighteen I started hitting back. Eventually, he didn’t lay a hand on either of us.” I opened my mouth, but he swept in for a kiss. I glared at him. “It was the only way to shut you up so I could finish. When she was about to die, she asked that I put a stop to the corruption there. It broke her heart that I went to work for him, so I agreed. He had ruined her life, so I wanted to ruin his, but he died before I could. It doesn’t mean I can’t put a stop to his evil hand in this world.”
I blinked rapidly as my mind raced forward. Some things were suddenly clearer, while others became more confusing. I downed half my drink in one gulp.
“If I remember the basics of six-for-six, you get a question and then I get one. You got like three questions there,” Ethan remarked, amused.
“I don’t think we need the pretext of the game anymore. I understand what you’re willing to answer,” I replied, setting my glass down.
“If I’m sharing, then so are you. I know you. Once you dig your heels in, you take off on a rampage for more. It coincides with your fiery temper. If I hadn’t rolled out the conditions to opening up, you’d drain me before this plane lands.”
I exhaled roughly. “Fine, but I’m at a loss at what you can ask me that is work-related.”
Ethan’s eyes sparkled as a slick grin slid across his mouth.
Damn. I should’ve known he had an ulterior motive.
“You’ve made a good point. Since you’re forcing me to open up about things I’d rather not discuss, we’re going to do the same with you,” Ethan said smugly.
I glanced at him warily and asked, “What do you mean?”
Ethan flashed his dimples. “You always avoid talking about the future. You use what happened with Micah and your current situation as a crutch. That being said, I’ll take my first question.”
The flight attendants started the rounds for snacks. I glimpsed at the cart then back to him. My eyes urged him to hurry up because I wanted something to eat.
“When are you going to finish your degree?” Ethan asked boldly.
Of course, he jumps right in with the part of my life I’ve been avoiding for months.
I chewed on the inside of my cheek before finishing off my drink. “I want to go back, but I have no clue where to start. When I take a look at things, I’m not sure about being a journal
ist anymore. It was a huge part of me, but I’m not the same. I need to decide on a path and commit to it. Like everything else in this last year, I haven’t been able to do that yet.”
My eyes met his as an adorable smile spread across his face. “You committed to me. You need to start trying with other areas too,” he said softly.
It was our turn for snacks. I nudged Ethan and pointed at one of those boxes with a sandwich and chips. He requested two, and more drinks, and paid the attendant. He passed over a box to me. I hastily tore it open. I went between huge bites of the sandwich and popping potato chips like they were going out of style. Ethan started laughing to the extent that he was becoming loud. I shot him a glare to pipe down.
“I’m sorry, but if you could see yourself. I’ve never seen food disappear that fast,” he said, still chuckling.
“Shut up,” I retorted, sticking out my tongue. It fueled his laughter even more.
“What are you going to do to take them down?” I asked around a bite of my sandwich.
Ethan stopped laughing instantly. “Veto. We’ll save that until we land. Ask something else Mia.”
I scarfed down the rest of my chips and took a sip of my drink. I tilted my head to see that he was eating at a much slower pace. His breathtaking face was smooth, but his eyes were tense.
“When you’re free, what do you intend to do?”
Ethan relaxed and said, “I want to buy or invest in businesses that are crumbling. My plan is to help them rebuild, while keeping it close to my heart.”
“You plan to help floundering companies that do work on the water. Sounds cool.”
“Precisely. My turn,” Ethan answered, brushing his nose along mine.
I got dizzy from the unexpected closeness. My temperature rose and I put my vodka tonic down. It was starting to affect my focus. He was using his body against me. I needed to remove all handicaps, so I picked up the glass of water that came with the last drink.
“Keeping with the future, since you refuse to think about it,” Ethan paused when I dug my nails into his arm. “What? It’s true. Get over it. How many kids do you want to have someday?”