“But you still love Cam,” Ryan stated firmly, not leaving any room for the alternative.
I cringed at the sound of his name. I tried to say it — and think it — as little as possible. I hesitated for a moment. I’d gone over this in my head many times, and I could honestly say I didn’t think I was still in love with him. I cared about him as a part of my history, but that was all I allowed myself to feel for him now.
“No, my feelings for Cam…for him are in the past. It’s ancient history,” I said firmly, but my hands were shaking, and I wasn’t sure if he believed me.
“Okay.”
I was grateful he wasn’t going to push the issue.
We sat in silence for a moment, both of us staring into space until Ryan let out a loud laugh and banged his fist on the table, making me jump.
“What is it?” I asked, eyes wide.
“Bonnie’s going to kill you!” he practically shouted.
“Why?”
“She’s been furious at you for five years because you wouldn’t talk to her after you split from Cam, and then you left without saying goodbye. She tried to call you, but you never returned her messages. When she finds out you’re back in town she’s going to rip your head off — literally.”
“You didn’t tell her?”
“I didn’t know until I saw you here,” he admitted.
“What did you think the barbeque was for?”
“I didn’t really think about it,” he said with a shrug. “Your dad’s had us all over before, and I just assumed it was a work get-together type thing. I swear I didn’t know you’d be here. Trust me, if my family knew you were back, Bonnie would’ve demanded to come with me tonight to see you.”
“How is she?”
“You wouldn’t recognize her. She graduated college and is working as a personal assistant in an accounting firm now. Oh, and she has a boyfriend — an accountant. They’re pretty serious, I think. She brought him home to meet my parents last weekend,” he finished with a frown.
“You don’t like him?”
“He seems like an okay guy, but he’s screwing my baby sister, so I automatically don’t like him.”
“How are David and Ellen?”
“They’re great. Dad is looking at early retirement, so all Mom can talk about is a big trip to Europe they’re planning for next spring.”
“I went to Italy last year with Owen. It was beautiful. I’m sure they’ll love it.”
Suddenly Ryan stood up, came to my side of the table, and knelt in front of me.
“Are you happy, Char? Really happy? You can tell me the truth,” he pleaded, his words slurring slightly from his intoxication.
“I’m happy,” I insisted before leaning forward to give him a hug. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” He was silent for a moment after we broke the hug, staring at me as he returned to his seat. “Cam’s not happy — ” he began, but he was cut off by a group his coworkers entering the room on their way out.
“See ya, Harper. Bye, Charlotte,” they called.
“It was good to see you again,” I said with a smile and a wave, but I was shaking from what Ryan had started to tell me.
Just then arms slipped around me from behind, and I instantly felt calmer as warm lips pressed against my cheek.
“I love you,” Owen whispered in my ear.
I smiled and leaned back into him, enjoying the warmth. “Thanks, I needed that.”
“I thought you might. Are you okay?”
“I’m much better now that you’re here,” I sighed with a smile.
I turned in his arms to face him and rose on my toes so I could press my lips to his. We kissed for several seconds before Ryan cleared his throat to remind us he was standing right there.
“I’ll get you a drink,” Owen whispered as he quickly kissed me again and went over to the fridge.
I turned back around to find Ryan giving me a knowing look. I went outside to find my dad. Before I made it out the back door, I heard Ryan asking Owen to get him yet another beer.
I stepped outside, switched on the patio light, and saw Dad cleaning the grill. He smiled when he saw me.
“Hi, kiddo. It’s so good to have you home.”
“It’s good to be home.” The possibility of facing Cameron still terrified me, but the comfort of being in such a familiar place was hard to resist.
The back door opened, and Owen and Ryan came outside, carrying beers for everyone. After we managed to coax Dad away from the grill, the four of us sat around the backyard table, drinking our beers and listening to Dad regale us with stories about criminals he’d caught and ones who had gotten away.
Ryan offered to provide the lowdown on some of the Hartford boys, which seemed to please Owen. I smiled at him as a thank you for being nice, and he winked back at me. I couldn’t work out if this newfound acceptance of my fiancé was him being nice or him being intoxicated, but I appreciated it either way.
Just as I’d convinced myself to lean toward the first option, Ryan stood up and almost fell down, managing to knock his chair over in the process.
“Whoa!” he chuckled, gripping the table to stay on his feet.
Dad jumped out of his seat and held Ryan upright as Owen picked up the chair. After they’d managed to get him to sit down again, Dad said, “I think I should call Sarah to come pick you up,” and headed for the house.
I moved around the table and sat on Owen’s lap. We chatted with an increasingly disoriented Ryan until my dad came back out.
“She’ll be here in a minute,” Dad announced, helping Ryan stand and swinging his arm around his waist. “Owen, I’m gonna need your help, I think.” Dad grunted with the effort of trying to steer Ryan’s large frame.
Owen jogged up to the other side and helped support Ryan’s weight as we walked back into the house.
“Stop!” Ryan yelled. We looked at each other nervously, and I wondered if I was doomed to spend the night cleaning vomit off the kitchen floor.
“I want to give my baby sister a hug goodbye!”
Owen looked confused, and I could have sworn I saw Dad looking around, thinking Bonnie Harper had appeared in his house without warning. But I knew better — Ryan was talking about me.
I walked around Owen and stood in front of Ryan, who encapsulated me in his arms. “I’m so happy to see you, Charlotte,” he slurred against my collar.
“I’m happy to see you too.” I patted him on the back before pulling out of his grasp as I heard tires on gravel in the front yard.
“Sarah’s here,” I whispered to him.
I watched Owen and Dad help Ryan to the front door and then went upstairs to get ready for bed. Part of me had wanted to say hello to Sarah, but one Harper was all I could manage for today. I walked slowly up the stairs and went into my bedroom. I hadn’t fallen apart. Maybe Owen was right when he told me I could face my past.
I unzipped my suitcase and pulled my pajamas out, laying them on the bed before taking some of the clothes over to the closet to hang up. I hated ironing, and if I hung some things tonight, I might avoid it completely.
As I walked to the closet, I passed the window and glanced outside to see Owen shaking hands with someone in the shadows. I felt my blood turn icy cold as the realization hit me. He was outside.
I watched in horror as my fiancé’s hand slipped inside the hand of my ex-husband, grasping it tightly. I wasn’t sure if Owen realized who he was shaking hands with, but he still had a pleasant smile on his face.
I couldn’t see Cameron’s face, but I didn’t need to. I’d know him anywhere. He was thinner than the last time I saw him, and his hair was a little shorter than I remembered. Inexplicably, a part of me wanted to sprint down the stairs and run into his arms. Another part wanted to scream at him out the window. I resisted both urges and just stood frozen, watching them.
The thumping of my heart was so loud in my ears that I couldn’t hear any noises drifting upstairs, so I had no idea wha
t was being said. My dad looked angry and kept gesturing to Cameron. Suddenly the expression on Owen’s face turned hard and then slightly sad, and I guessed he’d worked out that the man in front of him, who he’d just shaken hands with, was my ex-husband.
Cameron had his head down and was now quickly helping Ryan into the car. He said something to Owen, then climbed into the driver’s seat and sped away. I watched the taillights disappear around the corner, and when I looked down into the yard again, I saw Owen staring up at me sadly.
I tried to smile and waved for him to come up to our room, and he nodded slowly before disappearing inside. I hung the clothes up quickly, trying to calm myself after seeing Cam and mentally preparing myself for the conversation to come. I took a few deep breaths and tried to put him out of my mind as I put my pajamas on. I was over him and didn’t want him to affect me.
“So that was him,” Owen said from behind me.
Taking one last deep breath, I spun around. “Yes,” was all I managed to get out before my breath caught in my throat.
“Your dad doesn’t like him much,” he added as he started pulling his own clothes out of his overnight bag.
“No. He didn’t treat me very well.”
“Michael kept demanding to know why he was here and saying he’d told him he wasn’t welcome. Cameron said Sarah was tired and asked him to come instead and he was just trying to do Ryan a favor.”
“I hope he didn’t say anything rude to you,” I said. “As far as I know, he didn’t know I was coming back, so it was a surprise when he found out who you were.” I tried to imagine what Cameron could have said to Owen.
“He seemed nice enough. Very polite. I didn’t give him any details about who I was, so I think he assumed I worked with your dad.” He shrugged, but I could hear the strain in his voice.
I sighed and sat down on the bed. “Owen, come here.” I tapped the mattress next to me.
He gave a weak smile and came to sit next to me. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to lie against his chest.
“Are you okay with all of this?” I prayed he was. I couldn’t lose Owen. He was the only reason I hadn’t imploded.
“Yes. We both knew you’d run into his family when we came back here, and I think it’s important for you to face this issue before we get married. All I need to know is that when you talk to him, you aren’t going to run off and leave me. I couldn’t bear it,” he whispered, kissing my head softly.
I looked at him, my mouth hanging slightly open. “You want me to talk to Cameron.” It wasn’t a question, because I knew he did. Part of me wanted Owen to act possessive and demand that I never speak to Cameron again, but that wasn’t him. He only wanted what was best for me.
“I think you should get it all out. You must have things you need to say to him, and until you clear it all up, you’ll never have a complete understanding of the situation. You told me you never really talked to him after you found out he was cheating. I think you might need some closure so you can let it go and move on. As much as I hate the thought of you and him alone together, I know it will be best for us in the long run…and I trust you.” He ran his hands through the long strands of my hair that had come free of my clip.
I stared at him, feeling completely astonished. I’d never met a more selfless person. “How did you get to be so wonderful?” I asked, kissing him softly.
“Just lucky, I guess.” He chuckled as we broke apart. “But I’m saying all this as much for myself as you. I want you to feel free when we get married. I don’t want your past to be hanging over us forever.”
I turned to face him and grabbed his right hand, stroking it softly and kissing each of his fingertips. “I’m not going anywhere with anyone. I love you, Owen,” I said, continuing to stroke his hand.
He smiled contentedly and pressed his lips to mine. “Love you more,” he whispered as he broke away.
I felt his whole body relax as he lay back against the pillows and pulled me tighter to his chest. I ran my fingers absentmindedly over his hand until I realized I was lying here declaring my love to my fiancé in the same bed where I’d lost my virginity to Cameron. I was stroking the hand that Cameron had just shook. I tried desperately to stop thinking of my ex-husband and the way the moonlight had reflected off his hair tonight.
But no matter how much I wanted him out of my life and out of my heart, Cameron was all around me.
Chapter Four
The Beginning of Confusion
I woke to a rustling sound and opened one eye to look around. It was still dark, and I sat up slightly, wondering what the noise could be.
“Oh, shit. Sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Owen sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed my hair with his hand.
“What are you doing?” I asked groggily.
“Looking for my boots,” he whispered before kissing the top of my head and going back to his search.
“Why do you need boots at…” I looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. “Four-thirty in the morning?”
“I told your dad I’d go fishing with him today.”
“Have fun,” I grumbled, pulling the covers up over my head to block out Owen’s chuckling.
When I next opened my eyes, it was to the sound of chirping birds. I threw the covers off my head and squinted at the sunlight pouring in the window. The clock on my nightstand said it was 8:22. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, noting that the air in Fairfield felt fresher and easier to breathe.
It was weird to wake up in my childhood bedroom, and I giggled as I thought about how I used to lie here, the biggest stress in my life being what I would wear to school. The comparison to how complicated my life felt now was astonishing. I stretched and looked around. The room really did look exactly as I remembered it, except for the suitcases Owen and I had brought from Boston.
I forced myself to get out of bed. I slipped on my robe, tying the belt as I walked downstairs into the kitchen. I tried to imagine Owen on a boat with my dad and laughed. When Owen and I were in Italy, he’d gotten seasick on the gondolas in Venice, so I couldn’t see him faring any better in my dad’s dinghy.
I suddenly remembered my dad had taken Cameron out fishing as a way to welcome him to our family. It hadn’t gone well. Cameron fell overboard, and my dad yelled at him for scaring all the fish away. To add insult to injury, Dad made him ride home in the back of the truck because he smelled like pond water. My dad had never really accepted Cameron, probably because of my decision to forgo college and stay in Fairfield to be with him.
I quickly started a pot of coffee and opened the fridge for the milk, noticing how empty the shelves were. There was milk, beer, bread…and nothing else. Yet another reminder that I needed to get some groceries.
While I sat and sipped my coffee, I did everything I could not to think of Cameron, but it was impossible. He’d looked good, from what I could see of him from behind and in the dark. I recalled the moonlight reflecting off his hair and the silhouette of his shoulders. I remembered the way his muscles moved as he supported his brother and recalled how those same muscles looked without the shirt. Even after five years I could see his body clearly in my mind, and I closed my eyes, mentally tracing my fingers over his shoulders and down his chest, through the light smattering of hair. I sighed and shook my head. No good was going to come from that train of thought.
I poured the rest of my coffee down the sink and went upstairs to shower. I decided to go to the grocery store sooner rather than later so I could relax and unpack a little in the afternoon before Dad and Owen came home.
***
As I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store, the clouds, which had been gathering all morning, opened up and the rain began. Perfect timing. Looking across the lot, I had a flashback of me telling Cameron I never wanted to see him again. I regretted those being the last words I might ever say to him, but it was the truth. Even five years later I didn’t want to face him.
I got out of th
e car and jogged across the parking lot to get out of the rain as quickly as possible. As I stepped into the brightly lit store, I found it exactly as I remembered. I wheeled a cart quickly down the first aisle and started looking for food my dad would not only like to eat, but could cook for himself.
Fifteen minutes later my cart was half full, and I was feeling quite proud of the selection of meals I’d chosen. I went to turn into the next aisle, but as soon as I saw the rows of cereal boxes, I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around quickly. Images of Cameron and Lucy flooded my mind, and I took a few deep breaths. Dad could eat toast for the next few days. I turned down the cosmetics row instead.
There was only one other lady in this aisle, and she had her back turned, examining some facial cream bottle, so I felt secure enough to stop for a moment, leaning against the cart for support. I hadn’t expected the cereal aisle to affect me so much, but I could still feel my heart hammering in my chest.
“I’m fine,” I said softly to myself. I could feel eyes on my back and looked carefully over my shoulder. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach when I saw that face cream lady was, in fact, my ex mother-in-law, who was now waving and making her way toward me at an alarming pace.
“Charlotte? Is that you?”
“Hello, Ellen,” I said awkwardly, looking around for a quick escape and finding none.
“What are you doing just standing over here?”
“Oh…you know, just looking at this,” I said as casually as I could, reaching onto the shelf and picking up the first box my hand touched. I stared at the item I chose, trying to keep a normal expression on my face. “Uh…spermicidal jelly.” Mortified, I dropped it into my cart.
“Oh…well, that’s very nice, dear,” Ellen said uncomfortably, clearing her throat.
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