I knew in that moment I did still love Cameron, and I would never stop loving him, no matter what he did or said or how much he hurt me. I closed my eyes and nodded slightly.
“I love you too,” he whispered, his thumb brushing the tears from my cheek. I jumped back from him, startled.
“I’m sorry,” he said, pulling his hand back quickly.
I could see the smile he was trying to hide, and his happiness at my declaration annoyed me.
“Nothing has changed, Cameron. I’m still with Owen, and I’ll stay with him.”
His smile fell slightly, and his eyes pierced into mine. “Do you love him? Really love him?”
I wanted to jump from my seat and scream that I loved Owen and always would and that Cameron didn’t matter, but I knew that wasn’t true. I did love Owen, absolutely, but it was different. Cameron was my first love. What I felt for him was eternal, was all-consuming, and despite what we’d been through, the flame was still burning. But Owen was safe. He was respectful, grounding, and supportive. Owen was better for me.
And Cameron needed to know I loved Owen, so I nodded in answer to his question. “But not like I love you,” I blurted. The words were out of my mouth before I’d even thought them, and I clamped my hands over my mouth in shock.
Cameron’s eyes darkened, and as if in slow motion, his face moved toward mine. His hands came up slowly and cupped my face, tilting it slightly to the side. My hand fell away from my mouth as his face got closer, and I watched, frozen, as his eyes closed. He was going to kiss me.
Alarm bells sounded in my brain, and just before his lips reached mine I pushed back from him, my chair skidding along the floor.
“Don’t,” I said.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
I could see he was hurt, but my devotion to Owen kept me from comforting him.
“It’s just all so much. I can’t deal with this right now,” I said, backing toward the door. I was completely overwhelmed by the past twenty-four hours.
“Don’t run…please,” he begged as he took a step toward me. “You always run.”
“Bonnie’s waiting for me.” It was all I could think to say as my hand grasped the doorknob.
I heard Cameron sigh as I walked back out into the waiting room. Bonnie looked up from the magazine she was reading and smiled.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, let’s get out of here,” I said quickly, walking to the door.
“I just want to talk to Cam. I haven’t gotten to say my piece yet. I won’t be long.”
“Just leave him alone, Bonnie. It’s been a long day for all of us.”
I was relieved when she nodded and grudgingly followed me out. My mind started racing as soon as I was free of his office. I was angry that he’d tried to kiss me, but I had just told him I loved him. I groaned and shook my head. Everything was so muddled. I couldn’t blame Cameron for being confused about my twisted messages. I really had to sort myself out before I spoke to him again.
We rode the elevator down in silence and got out at David’s office. When we walked in, Sarah was still sitting and reading her magazine.
“How did it go?” she asked when she saw us.
“The skank was there!” Bonnie told her, eyes wide. “But we got rid of her.”
“Did you slap her again, Charlotte?” Sarah said, giggling.
“No.” I wasn’t really listening — I couldn’t get the picture of Cameron’s face as he tried to kiss me out of my mind.
Sarah stood and covered her mouth as she yawned. “That bitch. I can’t believe she was with him.”
I shook my head, unable to come up with a response. I was just ready to go home.
“Why don’t you take Sarah home?” Ellen called from the desk. “She’s looking pretty tired.”
We said our goodbyes to Ellen, and I followed Sarah and Bonnie out to the car, helping Sarah into the front seat again before climbing into the back. Bonnie drove us to Ryan and Sarah’s house and dropped her off before turning around and driving back to town.
“Will you come over? We haven’t even had lunch. We can grab some take out on the way,” she asked without taking her eyes off the road.
I really just wanted to go home, but it was three o’clock already, and I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Besides that, Dad wouldn’t be home for a few hours, and if I was left alone, my brain would go into overdrive. The last thing I wanted to do was dwell on the almost-kiss with my ex-husband. Spending the afternoon with Bonnie would be a good distraction.
“Sure.”
We stopped at a drive-thru in town and quickly ate our burgers in the car, both of us ravenous.
I was gathering our garbage and not paying attention when Bonnie turned down a familiar street. I looked in horror as the house where I’d lived with Cameron came into view. No matter how much I wanted to look away, I couldn’t.
The last time I was here I’d packed my belongings and left my wedding ring on the table. That was one of the saddest memories of my entire life.
But as Bonnie drove closer, I started to relax, which surprised me.
The house looked just as I remembered it, and it wasn’t scary at all. The landscaping was a little overgrown, and the shutters looked worn, but apart from that, it looked like my house.
“What’s wrong?” Bonnie looked over at me with concern. “Oh, this was your house,” she added when she saw where I was looking.
I nodded and turned to look back over my shoulder as we passed.
“He still lives there, you know. Dad keeps trying to get him to sell it and get an apartment in town, but he won’t.”
I was surprised by that bit of news and not sure what to make of it. But I had enough Cameron on my mind already to delve too deeply into it.
After a moment Bonnie turned another corner and pulled up in a driveway in front of a red brick house with a perfectly manicured lawn.
“Home sweet home,” she said.
I followed her inside. Her house was lovely: all of the furniture was new, but not modern. Everything had a classic elegance about it, and the rich colors in the carpets and curtains reminded me of royalty.
“I did all the decorating,” she said proudly. She plopped down heavily on the couch and curled her legs under her.
“It’s beautiful. So, when do I get to meet this Alex I’ve heard so much about?”
“Soon!” she gushed, patting the couch next to her. “He’ll be home from work in a few hours. Maybe you could stay for dinner and meet him?”
“That sounds nice.”
I walked slowly across the room, looking at the photos and books on the shelves. I wondered if I could talk with Bonnie about her decorating in an attempt to keep the conversation off Cameron.
“What made you decide on this color scheme?” I asked, examining the wall closely. I felt completely transparent and hoped my attempt at distraction wasn’t too obvious.
“Oh, well, I prefer cool colors because they relax me,” she responded, waving her arm toward the pale blue wall.
“Do you find suede hard to keep clean?” I asked, turning toward the couch and trying to keep an interested look on my face.
“It’s not too hard as long as it doesn’t get wet…and this isn’t going to work, you know,” she said with a smile.
“What isn’t going to work?” I asked innocently.
“You’re not going to distract me.”
I sighed and sat down next to her in defeat.
“What happened, Charlotte?”
I was struck by how different she was from earlier in the day. The loud, boisterous girl was gone, and in front of me sat a woman who was ready for some real answers. I took a deep breath and told her my story.
I started at the beginning — how I’d acted after my mother left. I told her about my distance from Cameron, his late nights at the library to study. She nodded, but never interrupted me, for which I was grateful. Then I told her about Christmas.
Bon
nie gasped when she learned about the text message from Lucy. She was obviously pained when I described how I’d felt, being with the family on that Christmas Day, and I watched her shift uncomfortably in her seat as I described moving out.
“But what about Lucy?” she blurted after I told her how Cameron called me several times a day after I moved in with my father.
“Exactly. That’s why I didn’t answer any of his calls. There was no point in talking because he couldn’t change what had happened with her.”
“Continue, please.”
I settled back into the couch cushions before explaining how I saw Lucy and Cameron kissing in the grocery store, and I watched Bonnie’s hands ball into fists. I explained the pain and all-consuming sorrow and how leaving seemed my only option, so I just packed everything into my car and left the next day. I told her how I’d had no idea where I would go, so I just drove, and when I passed over the state line from Connecticut into Massachusetts, I felt a weight lift from my chest. I stayed at a motel in Boston for a week before I managed to land a waitressing job. Then I’d rented a cheap apartment.
Then I told her about meeting Owen and how he’d pursued me. I was glad to see her face soften once she’d heard the story of our romance and how we fell in love. I skipped forward and ended my tale with Owen wanting to move to Fairfield.
Bonnie seemed very interested in Owen’s reason for the move, so I explained how he wanted me to make peace with my past before we committed ourselves to a marriage, and how he was concerned about how much I missed my father.
“Didn’t you know you’d see all of us? I mean, this is a small town.”
“I know. I guess a part of me was hoping to see you all. When I lost Cameron, I also lost all of you, and that was hard.” I tried my best to stop the tears prickling behind my eyes.
“It was hard for us too,” Bonnie whispered, picking at the lace edging on the pillow. “We were all so hurt… You didn’t — you didn’t even say goodbye.”
I pulled Bonnie into a hug, no longer able to hold in my tears. I could feel her body shaking and heard soft sniffles as she let out her own tears.
“I’m so sorry about that,” I whispered. “I know I should have said goodbye. I should have explained…but I was so hurt, and the only thing I could do was to run. I had to protect myself. I couldn’t bear the thought of anything that reminded me of Cameron.” I rested my head on Bonnie’s shoulder.
She pulled back but kept her hands on my shoulders, holding me still.
“We didn’t understand, and Cameron didn’t give us any explanation. All we saw was that you were gone, and he was very quickly spiraling downward. He didn’t leave his house for weeks. Mom would take food over for him, but he barely ate it. We were all really worried, but…slowly he started to face the world again. I don’t really know what happened for him in that time. I guess only Cameron could tell you that.” She let go of my shoulders and sat back. “We found out later that he’d dated Lucy for a while, but neither of them would give us any details, and we didn’t push it. I suppose we should’ve put two and two together…”
I was shocked that Cameron had been so affected by my leaving. For so long I’d assumed he made a happy home with Lucy and didn’t think of me at all. This piece of information confirmed the story Cameron told me and made me believe the other things he’d said might be true as well.
“What happened when you moved back here? Was it hard to be home?” She dropped the pillow back onto the couch and pulled her knees up to her chest.
I shifted in my seat and picked up the pillow Bonnie had discarded. I described what it was like to see Ellen at the market, and I cringed as I told her about grabbing the contraceptive jelly.
Bonnie giggled, and the brightness returned to her sad eyes. The lightness of the moment didn’t last long, though, as I told her the rest of what had happened since my return to Fairfield.
“His excuse was that you were distant and trying to look after your father after your mother left?” she shrieked, immediately standing.
I nodded. I couldn’t elaborate because I couldn’t really justify his reasoning either.
“Right. I was going to let this drop, but I just can’t. Tonight after he gets home from work, I’m going to go over there and — ”
“No!” I said, cutting her off.
Bonnie looked at me questioningly.
“Just leave it alone, Bonnie. This doesn’t have anything to do with you”
She stared at me for a moment. Bonnie was used to getting her way, and from what I remembered, she wasn’t above a tantrum.
“He’s my brother. I have a right to talk to him if I want to.”
“Yes, you do, but I’m asking you to please just let this go. I think enough of a mess was caused today without you adding to it. Cameron has already told me he’s sorry. There’s nothing else to be said, so you yelling at him won’t do any good,” I practically shouted. I didn’t mean to be so angry, but I was.
I didn’t regret what had happened with Lucy today. I was glad to finally confront her, but I didn’t want it to go any further. I just wanted to forget.
Bonnie pouted, and I could see she was going into the sulking routine.
“I wasn’t going to do anything bad. I just want to tell him I think what he did was wrong and explain how much he hurt everyone with his actions,” she said, looking at me sadly.
I sighed. “I know you don’t mean any harm, Bonnie. But he knows all of that. Why do you think Cameron didn’t tell you all of this himself? You talking to him is only going to make him feel worse. Please, I’m asking you to just let this go.”
Bonnie folded her arms across her chest. “Fine!” she huffed, throwing herself down on the couch.
“I know you want to help, but right now Cameron and I both need some time. We don’t need anything else making things more complicated then they already are. Can you respect that?”
She didn’t reply or even look at me, so I took that as my cue to leave. I’d spent quite enough time with her today and could feel a slight headache coming on.
“I think I’m going to head home. I’ll take a rain check on dinner and meeting Alex.” I collected my handbag from the counter.
“I’ll drive you,” Bonnie said as she stood up.
“It’s okay. I think I’d enjoy the walk. I need some fresh air.”
I looked over my shoulder and called out a goodbye as I opened the door. Bonnie lay on the couch with her arms folded, but she didn’t respond, so just pulled the door closed behind me.
As I moved at a brisk pace down the street, I thought about the past twenty-four hours. I now had more information about my breakup with Cameron, more details about how everyone in my life was feeling about it, and more insight into my own feelings than I’d gained the whole five years I was gone.
My mind raced as I thought over my recent conversations with Cameron. I didn’t excuse his cheating. His reason didn’t make what he did okay, and nothing he could say would change my opinion. But maybe that didn’t matter. Maybe I didn’t need to forgive him because I was fine without him. I really had moved to a point where I was okay not being with Cameron.
But then why the freakout in his office?
I remembered that Cameron had tried to kiss me only a few hours ago, and my stomach turned. No matter how much I loved him — and I did love him very much; I could admit that to myself now — I wasn’t able to completely let go of what he did. I couldn’t trust him again.
I turned the corner onto the street where I used to live and moved silently down the block. I kicked pebbles along the sidewalk and slowly looked up when I stopped in front of the house. Cameron’s house. My house. Our house.
I looked at it objectively. It was a beautiful home. I remembered how much I’d loved living there and how excited we were when we first moved in. I’d missed this house for a long time after I moved to Boston. The apartment there had never really felt like home. Because Cameron wasn’t there, said a little voic
e inside my head. I quickly shook that thought away.
My gaze fell on the driveway, and I noticed several oil stains on the concrete — some old and dried and others darker and more recent. Was Cameron’s car leaking oil? Not that it mattered to me. I gazed over the landscaping and realized the flowerbeds were almost the same as I remembered. The plants had grown and flourished in my absence, although they could use a little trimming. Looking around me, I stepped across the grass and walked up to the front window.
I knew it would be a mistake, but still I wanted to see inside the house. I cupped my hand to the glass to stop the reflection from the sun and peered through the window. It was dark inside, but as my eyes adjusted, I was able to make out some shapes.
As far as I could tell, the living room looked just the same. The furniture was exactly where I remembered it being, as if five years hadn’t passed.
I stepped back from the window and quickly returned to the sidewalk and my walk down the street. I didn’t need to see any more. My mind was flooded with images of Cameron and me snuggled on that couch.
As I walked, I tried to focus on the cracks in the pavement and the sounds of the birds singing in the trees above, but the only thing I saw was Cameron’s face slowly moving toward mine, his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted.
I finished walking the mile and a half into town and thought further about the insanity that had been my day with the Harper women. Had all of that really happened? I came to the conclusion that Ellen, Bonnie, and Sarah weren’t the same people I remembered, just as I wasn’t the same person they knew from before.
I was sure my divorce from Cameron had had a negative effect on the entire family, but I never realized they might need closure as much as I did. When I thought back to the events at David’s office, I was surprised at my own behavior as well. When Lucy was in my face, I just couldn’t hold myself back.
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