by Kailin Gow
It is strange, I think, as I let the papers interview me – about my former life – as a “cocktail waitress and singer at the Blue Room” – thank God they haven’t started digging too deeply into that story yet. It’s so strange to be whisked into another life. I haven’t even started to pick the pieces of my old one up yet. I don’t even know what to think or do.
Then my father picks up the microphone. He keeps talking.
“But Staci is not the only Atussi woman I would like to give my name to.”
My mother and I trade glances. This is unexpected.
“Twenty years ago, I lost the only woman I ever loved. I have been trying my whole life to find her again.”
Then he drops to his knees. Opens the box. A glittering diamond catches the light of a thousand flashbulbs going off.
“Genevieve Atussi,” he whispers, like they are the only two people in this room, like they are the only two people in this world. “Will you marry me?”
The tears are streaming down her face. I have never seen my mother this happy in my whole life. Right now she doesn’t look sick, or haggard, or tired. She just looks happy: filled with a new and incandescent joy. And I am joyful with her.
“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes, of course I will.”
They get married a week later, in Vegas. Everybody expects them to do something befitting my father’s station in life. A big society wedding, costing millions, photos sold to TMZ and the other tabloids. After all, they’re a story made for the paparazzi: long-lost love, a forgotten daughter, a commitment that twenty years of separation could not alter. But my mother and father choose to get married in a small ceremony in Vegas. It’s practically an elopement. Xander and Terrence come, too, as witnesses, along with the Never Knights. The only friends I have in the world, now that Ben and Rita are both gone.
It’s a beautiful ceremony. Simple. My mother wears an ivory dress, cut small so that it’s not obvious how much weight the illness has made her lose. She wears a lace white scarf around her head: a veil to cover up the hair loss. But her cheeks are apple-red, and as I watch her I notice how much healthier she seems. The cancer seems to be receding from her. Her whole body seems brighter, more sprightly. She practically looks ethereal. I guess love can do amazing miraculous things to people.
“I don’t know how long I have left,” my mother says, kissing her new husband. “But for the rest of my life, I know I want to be with you.”
It makes me so happy to see her like this. As I watch her, I realize this is the first time I’ve been truly happy in a really long time – maybe since before Rita went missing. I’ve been through so much, suffered through so much, lost so much. But right now, I feel a ray of hope descending through me, into me. Life might really turn around this time.
The same day my mother changes her name, I change mine.
I am Staci Tannenbaum, now.
I move with my mother and father into their new home, in Beverly Hills. It’s a beautiful villa – outfitted with everything anyone could need. It makes Xander’s beach house look like a hovel in comparison. And I love spending time with them, getting to know them. I learn things about my father: his love for music, especially punk rock, and his fondness for the Wall Street Journal. How he likes his eggs cooked. How much he loves my mother. He spends what seems like every waking hour attending to her needs. He’s so careful with her: delicate, even. Holding her tight like he’s afraid she’s going to vanish again.
A month or two pass by in a haze of delight. It’s so easy for me to forget the Bleu Room, the life I lived there. To focus on who I am now.
Soon, though, the paparazzi interest dies down. The news cycle moves on. I can leave my mother and father’s house without being photographed ten times a day. And soon it’s time for me to move on. And the luxury of my father’s house, nice though it is, reminds me too much of the Blue Room.
I want somewhere that feels normal.
I move into my own place. My trust fund doesn’t kick in until I’m 25, according to the terms my father set up, but I still get a reasonable monthly allowance. Enough to afford something bigger and nicer. But this is all I want.
My love life is on hold. Xander has a business trip that takes him to Tokyo; Terrence needs to focus on running the Blue Room. We agree to take a break – some space for me to settle into my new life. A couple of months where I’ll see neither man. It’s a hard decision, but worth it. Right now, I need to focus on my heart and mind, not my loins.
A few weeks later, I get a phone call from Neve Knight. She’s seen me around the neighborhood, she says – she lives nearby – and invites me to lunch at a French cafe near both our apartments, Chef Errol King’s Culinary Bites.
I think we’re in for a casual lunch or girly chat – a brief catch-up. But when Neve sits down at the table with me, she’s all business.
“So,” she says. “Now that you’re not bartending anymore at the Blue Room. Are you in or are you out?”
“What?”
“The Never Knights,” she says – incredulously, like it’s obvious. “Are you in or are you out?”
I stammer…
“You’ve had long enough to think about it. Now you don’t have anything holding you back. You could tour with us. What do you say?”
I want to say yes. Yes is on my lips. But it seems like such a change. I still haven’t resolved my feelings for either Terrence or Xander – I haven’t seen either man in months. And to leave them both behind, not to mention my father and mother…
“Isn’t this what you want?” Neve asks me. “To sing professionally? And you can do more than sing. We’d love your input on writing our new songs. We need more songs, with a different sound. Your style is perfect. And the boys would love to have another girl around who isn’t me…”
I don’t answer. I’m not sure what to say.
Neve leans in. “Or is there something holding you back?”
Something – or someone. Or some-two, to be accurate. I know I love two men for different reasons. But I’m scared of seeing either of them again. I’m still shaken by Xander’s confession that he was part of Gloria Tannenbaum’s plot to get rid of the heir. And I’m shocked, too, that Terrence and Danny used me as bait for Roz’s killer without letting me know how much danger I was in. Could I really see Danny at Never Knights rehearsals, acting like everything was normal, knowing he held my life and safety so cheaply? But…the investigation had paid off, right? We knew what happened to Rita now. But we still didn’t know what had happened to Roz…
I stammer a few more words. Then my phone buzzes. It’s a text.
Saved by the bell, I think.
It’s from Terrence.
Staci, meet me at the Blue Room. Your old suite.
What was he thinking? I don’t work at the Blue Room any longer. Terrence knows that.
What are you talking about? I haven’t stepped foot in the building in a month.
He texts me back. I need to show you something. It’s urgent. We need to talk in person. I’ll rent your old room and keep it open. Meet you there ASAP.
It’s about Rita.
Okay, I text him back.
“Look, Neve,” I say. “I’m so sorry, but I have to go. There’s an emergency.”
Neve considers me. “Think about my offer, Staci,” she says. “We’re really taking off. Next month we’re going on tour, but before that we’re hoping to come up with a few new songs, a fresh sound. So let me know as soon as possible.” She squeezes my hand. “But either way, it’s been such a pleasure to meet you as a friend. I’m so sick of knowing only guys – so nice to have a girl around. As a friend…and maybe a relative, too, if all things go well.”
Is she talking about Terrence or Xander? How much does she know?
“I’ll let you know soon,” I promise. “I have to go but thank you, thank you, for this incredible opportunity. Whatever happens, I’m so grateful.”
“Then join us,” Neve says.
I head back t
o the Blue Room for the first time in months. It’s a difficult journey, punctuated by so many different memories. I take the elevator to my old room. It’s strange going to there without being a Blue Girl any longer. But I have to do it. So many memories haunt this place. Memories of Terrence, of Xander. Of love.
I hate being back, but my memories here are bittersweet. This is a place I hated more than anywhere in the world.
But it’s also the place I first fell in love.
I walk into the room. It looks the same. It even smells the same – that familiar perfume…
The living room is practically unchanged.
I walk into the bedroom.
It’s not empty.
I drop my purse in shock. It thuds to the floor.
Sitting on the corner of the bed is a woman with beautiful long dark hair. Mesmerizing eyes. The most exquisite, flawless face. Skin that looks like it’s shining.
The face I’ve been longing to see longer than I know.
Rita.
Chapter 9
I can’t believe it. What is Rita doing here? She’s dead – I know she is. I’ve made my peace with losing her long ago. But here she is, on my bed, with me. I can smell her sweet perfume which fills my nostrils. I can feel her: so close to me. She is smiling up at me with that same expression with which she has smiled up at me so many times before: an expression filled with love, with trust, with friendship. This is the sister I have mourned for so long. This is the sister I have missed, ached for with every fiber of my being for longer than I ever could have imagined or known. I have mourned the loss of this beloved woman every minute, every hour, every day. And now she’s sitting on my bed, right in front of me, like no time has passed. Her hair falls long and loose and brown over her shoulders. She is wearing a pensive expression upon her face.
“Rita!” I cry. I rush to her and take her in my arms. She feels so good. She smells so good. She is with me, I am with her. Everything is right in the world. I have so many questions to ask her but right now I cannot bring myself to say any word that is not her name. “Rita, Rita, Rita.”
“Staci!” Rita’s voice is tranquil, calm. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
“Rita —” I choke on my own sobs. “Rita, I’ve missed you so much.” I have so many questions. Where she’s been all this time? Why she vanished? What’s going on? But I don’t care about any of them now. All I care about is that she’s with me. “I kept looking for you. I was so worried. I thought you were…I kept running in circles.”
Rita’s smile is beautiful. “So now you’ve found me,” says Rita. “I’m so glad. I wanted to come back to give you peace of mind. I wanted you to know that I’m okay.” She hugs me tight. Her embrace is the best feeling. “I can’t stay long, Staci. But there’s something I need to give you.”
“What is it?”
Rita makes her way towards my bed. She’s practiced – as if she knows the room already.
“You and I shared a room,” she says. “You never knew. You were in my room when I was here.” She goes to the headboard. She taps it sharply once. A hidden panel is revealed. “My little secret,” she says. Inside, there is a piece of paper shaped like an origami swan.
“How did you?”
“I know where it is,” says Rita. “I put it there. This is my ‘Blue Room’ after all.”
“What is it?”
Rita’s smile is vague. “People get lost in the fantasy here,” she says. “All the time. But I didn’t want to get lost. I wanted to hold onto myself, to who I was. To my real self. I’m a cop’s daughter. A PI. I lived for the chance to escape. But…what was I escaping, really? I don’t know. Once I used to think I was happily married to my job. In the end, I realized the job was all I had. I was empty. My whole life was empty. All I had were the people I knew through my work. The people I came to love through my work. Staci, I want you to know how much I loved you. You were the little sister I never had. What started as a job became the most important job of my life: keeping you safe. I’m sorry I worked for the enemy for a while. In the end, I chose you. I did what I had to do to keep you safe. And I had to stick around. I couldn’t move on without warning you, protecting you.” She holds me close. She kisses me on the forehead. Her lips are so smooth and cold against my skin. Almost like ice. “Staci, I want you to know how much I love you. We’re always sisters, right?”
“Of course,” I say. “Always sisters. But Rita – what happened to you?” I’m finally getting my voice back. “I mean – all this time. I was so worried. I’ve been wondering what happened to you. I thought you were alive, then dead, then alive, then dead.”
Rita’s smile is slow and sweet. “Oh, Staci, I wish I could explain,” she says. Her voice sounds all at once like it’s coming from really far away. “But I can’t. I just want you to know how much you matter to me. I want you to know how much I love you. I did some bad things in my life. But those don’t haunt me anymore. They don’t matter. The most important part of my life was my relationship with you. And there’s so much you have to know about me. So much you have to understand…”
“Like what?”
“I have to move on, Staci,” Rita whispers. “I don’t want to leave you, not yet, but I do, and I am so happy you finally know who you are, who I am, and the mysteries behind the Blue Room, but it is time for me to move on…”
“Move on?” My voice notches higher. “But you’ve only just got back. What are you talking about? Where are you going?”
Then I hear a knock at the door. It must be Terrence, showing up for our pre-arranged meeting.
“Nobody should know I was here,” says Rita. “I’ll hide in the bathroom.”
She pulls herself out of my embrace. She goes to the bathroom, shuts the door.
The knock sounds again at my door. I answer it.
“Hello? Who is it?”
“It’s Terrence, of course.” He sounds stressed. “Let me in.”
I go to the door and open it. He enters.
“Terrence – did you know?”
“Know what?” He looks at me confused.
“It’s just…” I wonder if I can safely tell him that Rita’s in the bathroom. He’ll be so relieved. She said nobody can know, but that couldn’t include Terrence, could it? “How did she get in? The card trick?”
“What are you talking about, Staci?”
“That’s why I’m here, isn’t it. Because of Rita?”
“Yes…” he says. “But how did you know?”
“Because she’s here!” The joy bursts out of me. “I just saw her. She’s here – in the bathroom – and, gosh, Terrence, she looks so beautiful. Her wounds must have healed – the bandages are completely off. She’s back to normal, Terrence! Back to her beautiful old self again. And I’ve missed her so much…”
“Staci?”
I don’t hear him. I’m too busy being overwhelmed by joy.
“And we have to spend time together, Terrence, all three of us. I know she missed you too…I just know it. I’m not supposed to tell anyone but that can’t mean you, obviously – how did you find her?”
“Staci!” This time Terrence’s voice is so sharp. It’s almost like he’s angry with me.
“What?”
“What are you talking about, Staci?” Terrence looks so upset. “That’s what I came to tell you, today. I finally got confirmation. A certificate from the clinic in Malibu. The real story. Staci…Rita’s dead…”
Chapter 10
My stomach lurches. My mouth falls open. “No…” I say. I’m stuttering. My mouth is dry. “She – she can’t be. I just saw her.”
“What do you mean, you just saw her?”
“Here. In this room. You must be wrong – no, Terrence, you’re definitely wrong. I just talked to her. She just talked to me. She’s in the bathroom. We weren’t sure who was at the door so she hid to be sure…”
“Staci…”
“She must have faked it,” I say. “She faked her death –
she must have.”
“Staci, there are photos…”
“That’s impossible.” I say. “Rita, come out here!” I call her name again. But there is no answer. The bathroom door stays closed. “Rita – come out – it’s okay, it’s just Terrence!”
But nothing happens.
“Let me go get her,” I say. “Maybe she’s scared. Maybe she’s hiding.”
I rise and I go to the bathroom door. But deep down, I think I already know what I’m about to find. The bathroom is empty.
“No…” I whisper. It cannot be. There’s no way out of the bathroom: no windows, no other door, nothing. I start feeling for the tiles – maybe there’s a secret passageway – something, anything…
But there’s nothing. There’s no passageway. There’s no trapdoor. There’s no hidden corridor. There’s just a room that Rita could never have gotten out of.
If she were here at all.
“That’s crazy…” I say. “You don’t understand, Terrence. I just saw her. She came and told me how much she missed me, how much she loved me…”
Terrence looks as confused as I feel.
“Maybe…I’m so sorry, Staci. Maybe you missed her so much…your mind was playing tricks on you? Maybe you wanted her to be there so badly you just…sort of dreamed her?” He holds me close. He lets me cry into his chest. Big, droopy, heavy tears drip down, off the edge of my nose.