by Jerry Cole
Theodore could feel Edmond's nails digging deep into his hand, but he did not move it. “You are more than enough,” Theodore replied. “Or else the former Earl would have chosen someone else.”
Edmond hesitated, his fingers digging deeper and deeper into Theodore’s hand, harder and harder. Edmond said nothing, but Theodore knew that was not for lack of words. It was the strength which was lacking.
Theodore had not considered how that position would impact the Earl, but now he realized what was happening, it made all too much sense. Edmond had simply opted out of society out of a sense of not belonging. He had never learned how to be a part of things, how to love people, how to handle his own emotions around others. Now that the opportunity arose, Edmond was still scared of it.
All along, Theodore had been assuming that Edmond wanted to be alone, that Edmond understood the choices he had made. It was only now that Theodore saw how desperately Edmond wanted company, love, safety, everything that almost every other person wanted. Edmond simply did not believe he deserved it. Or was so afraid of rejection that he did not even dare ask for anything from any other human being.
“You do not need to be alone,” Theodore said, squeezing Edmond’s hand in return, feeling Edmond release his overly tight grip a little. “You can have me. You are not alone now, are you?”
"I am alone now," Edmond said quietly. "And I will be alone until the day I die. That is my curse to endure, my cross to bear."
“It is not,” Theodore snapped back. “You do not need to bear anything. You can be free and happy. You can have friends and be loved. You will not be rejected.”
“I already have been,” Edmond said under his breath.
“Some people will reject you, sure,” Theodore replied. “But not everyone. And, as you said, if too many people reject you, we can run away together.”
"I wish I could run away, but I was merely fantasizing. I have no idea how to live a good and humble life such as you do," Edmond explained. “I am just too spoiled now. I should never have been adopted by such a powerful man. I should never have been put in a position where I did not have to earn my keep. As a child I believed I had been blessed. Now I realize I am cursed to live my life as a fraud, or, indeed, not live at all. I should be the one working a decent job, living humbly, within my station. But I could never fall so low and survive.”
Theodore almost felt like laughing at how Edmond viewed his life. Edmond thought this was low. Edmond thought this was beyond surviving. Theodore himself knew one could fall much lower than to be a tutor to noble children. Theodore felt more than blessed, despite not having inherited his uncle’s title or wealth. Even as a born noble, Theodore knew that any man could fall from any position, and that to be as comfortable as he was right then and there was a privilege that the vast majority of men, throughout the vast majority of history, had not been able to enjoy.
“I am sorry,” Edmond said, releasing Theodore’s hand, face alarmed as though realizing what he had said. “I did not mean to insult you; I know it must have hurt to have lost-”
"I suppose that, if to you my lot is so little, we cannot afford for you to lose your way of life," Theodore mused, interrupting Edmond. “I see what you mean. And I am not insulted. It hurt to lose Uncle. It hurt to lose my parents. It hurt to lose my family. But money is the least of my worries.”
“Am I truly so pathetic?” Edmond asked, it seemed more to himself than to Theodore. “Is it truly not so bad to lead a life as yours, is this just my own weakness speaking?”
“You are not weak for being afraid of what you have not experienced,” Theodore insisted, wrapping an arm over Edmond’s shoulders and pulling him back into their embrace, noticing how tense Edmond felt. “I was afraid when I first lost it all. I would rather not have. And no doubt, the longer one lives without falling, the more terrifying it will be to contemplate.”
“So, you are saying I ought to simply chew a bullet, and run away with you after all?” Edmond asked.
"I do not want you to lose your status, your power," Theodore replied. "I did not realize how much you stand to lose if we were to act so irresponsibly. I was thinking of nobody but myself, but my own needs and interests. To me, this is enough. I have always lived day by day, and never taken anything for granted.”
“But you were afraid when you lost it all?” Edmond insisted. “And it turned out well for you in the end.”
Theodore wondered how he could explain all he went through, all those years of different emotions, ideas, concerns and steps, to someone who had not even taken the first one. "It meant nothing to me. And my uncle gave me the skills I would require in order to lead a life with little or no wealth," he finally said. “I was afraid, but I had no choice. You have a choice. It would be better for us both if you were not to burden yourself unnecessarily.”
Edmond’s silence weighed down like lead, and the longer it went on, the colder and more distant Edmond felt from Theodore. Despite having his arm over Edmond’s shoulder, it was like they were miles apart, worlds apart, even.
Glancing over, Theodore saw what was occupying Edmond so much. Edmond looked from his own smooth, delicate hands to Theodore's, worn and paper cut, stained with ink, nails chipping. Edmond turned his own hands over and over before looking back at the hand resting on his shoulder. Back and forth, back and forth, like a tiger pacing in a cage.
“What is the matter?” Theodore asked.
“We are so different. I thought that we were the same. At least a little bit, but we are not. I am too weak to be poor, and too common to be noble, I am lacking in everything," Edmond said. “Meanwhile, you are strong enough to lead a humble life, and noble enough to connect with the higher classes. You are educated enough to even educate me, despite my position as an Earl. We are as different as water and sand.”
“But, like water and sand, we may meet at the shore and shape one another,” Theodore said in a warm whisper. “I would like to help you become more like me, and you may help me be more like you. We balance one another out. We belong together.”
“Nonsense, you cannot help me,” Edmond snapped.
“I thought you said that I have things you could learn-”
"Of course, there is nothing you can do to help me," Edmond continued, his voice dropping. "I am nothing like you. You are nothing like me. I have too much at stake to risk it on this. On something I am not sure I should be doing in the first place."
“Perhaps we ought to test it, in that case,” Theodore replied, standing up abruptly.
“I beg your pardon?” Edmond asked.
“I shall attempt to teach you more of what it means to be an Earl. Either you are correct, and I can teach you nothing, and you will know you are by far more qualified than I to be a nobleman. Or you might learn from me, and then we can live together in some manner, as you would need me. Either way, it is a victory for you, is it not?” Theodore explained.
Edmond seemed to be startled by the mere suggestion. So much so, that he could not even speak for a moment. When he did, it was a quiet “very well”.
Dressed, they made their way back to Theodore’s desk to gather some books, before retreating to the drawing room, where they ought not be bothered for quite some time. Theodore could not help but notice that along the way, Edmond conducted himself as though he were about to attend a funeral: somber, methodical, and quiet. Theodore was no longer sure if he wanted to laugh at Edmond’s awkwardness, or slap him to dismiss it and bring some sort of emotion to his lover’s face again.
"Nobility is not in the blood, but in the education," Theodore explained as he opened a book. "You have learned to feel helpless, but you must learn instead to be noble."
“And how might one learn to be noble?” Edmond replied bluntly. “By taking lessons on pompousness?”
“By realizing that you are worthy enough,” Theodore said. “These history books are all for you to read. They detail the stories of noblemen and royalty from various backgrounds, some of them n
ot in any way what one could call a blue blood, yet they defended their titles, they cared for their subjects, and they were respected for years and years after their deaths. You are not a special case. You are not the only person from such a background. The difference between you and them is that you do not believe you are worthy. Maybe this could help with that.”
Edmond was smiling again. Gently, subtly, but he was. “Thank you,” he said, almost whispering. “I shall read them.”
Theodore sat back in a chair, taking one of the books and opening it. He did not begin reading until out of the corner of his eye he could see Edmond also take a book, sit down, and begin to read.
"You say that nobility is not a matter of birth, but that sodomy is natural, you say the opposite of what I have been taught all my life," Edmond said, placing his book in his lap.
"That is what I am here to do: teach you the truth," Theodore said. “And it is the truth.”
Edmond seemed to remain unconvinced as he looked down at the remaining pile of books Theodore had brought out. “I am not sure that you have a monopoly on the truth,” Edmond said, opening the book again and leafing through it.
Theodore definitely wanted to slap some more emotion into Edmond this time. It was so frustrating. How could it be so simple to support and educate the children of his superiors, even peers, and so hard to work with Edmond? Edmond who needed the care the most. Edmond who supposedly loved, understood, and trusted Theodore more than anyone else had until now. Maybe Edmond was right. Maybe they were too different to understand one another.
Sitting like that, across from Edmond, watching out of the corner of his eye as Edmond read, Theodore found himself begging to any higher power that they could stay like this forever. Live together forever. Spend every morning, afternoon, and evening in one another’s quiet company.
"I know all of this," Edmond said with a sigh, putting down his book. "Do you think that the Earl did not have me educated on matters of history? There is nothing these books can teach me."
“If you know of all this, then why do you still believe that you are not able to be a good nobleman?” Theodore pressed back.
"Because I am not noble, no matter how much I know how to act as though I were, my blood is not right," Edmond said. “Just because a handful of entitled low born people fought to live as nobles does not mean they were meant to be nobles, does it? And because they were good at it, does it mean nobody better was available?”
Theodore shrugged. "Even if that were all true, how would you even know that you are not of noble birth? An orphan may come from any class."
Edmond seemed shocked, confused, but nodded. "If that were the case, then I could learn how to be a nobleman in more ways than simply through unearned self-confidence. I would know that I am a noble. And not a bone in my body is telling me I ought to have this title."
"You were raised by a nobleman, by an Earl, to take his place. I believe you have learned all you need to know from living with him," Theodore said. “And I believe he saw that in you and saw you as worthy. If you think you are so unimportant and born blue bloods are so grand, then perhaps you ought to trust his assessment better than your own.”
Edmond was silent again. He was too quiet. Theodore knew that Edmond needed to talk about all of this. That would take time.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Theodore said gently.
“I suppose you are right,” Edmond said. “But will I ever feel like I belong? Will I ever live up to his expectations of me?”
“You will,” Theodore said without a second’s hesitation.
Edmond drew a deep breath. “You are right. You can teach me. I would like for you to teach me.”
"I always wish to learn from those above me," Theodore replied. "I have learned much from all those above me, even yourself. And I wish to teach those below me. I suppose that educating a man who is above me would be an interesting new challenge."
Chapter Twenty-Six
It felt like he was only giving himself an excuse to stay with Theodore. It was not as though Edmond actually believed in himself. It was not as though he thought Theodore could actually teach him how to be an Earl. He just could not properly refute Theodore’s beliefs. And perhaps, if only he learned that, if only he learned how to argue against Theodore, he would have just enough to strengthen his position and keep his inadequacies hidden from true nobles.
Edmond felt almost as though he could be a noble when he was with Theodore. Theodore's company somehow made Edmond's pain bearable. Theodore was lifting him up, bringing him joy and hope. Edmond had to at least contemplate that a little of Theodore’s innate nobility was seeping into Edmond’s own psyche.
Theodore had to return to his work shortly after, and Edmond’s faintest hints of confidence left with the tutor. It was not fair. Edmond needed Theodore more than anyone else possibly could.
As soon as night fell and Edmond was alone in his quarters once again, he felt the final dregs of hope fading out like the light above them. There was no hope. He would never be any good, he would never be good enough for his title, much less for someone as perfect and beautiful as Theodore. He did not deserve Theodore. Theodore would probably beg to differ, of course. Theodore believed in Edmond in ways Edmond had never been able to believe in himself.
There was a possibility that Theodore was right, of course. There was nothing to say that Edmond had no noble blood in his veins. Yet he could not believe it. He could not fathom any circumstances where someone of noble birth could end up as… Edmond.
Edmond could not help it. Whatever Theodore said, Edmond himself was likely a street urchin, or the child of a whore. Not a blue blood at all. The furthest from it. And he would never be anything more.
***
The next morning, before even having breakfast, Edmond sought out Theodore like a dying man would seek a lifesaving elixir.
Theodore was sitting on a bench in the garden, simply watching a few wood pigeons as they flew in and out of the tree ahead. He didn’t seem to notice Edmond walking down until Edmond’s hand rested on Theodore’s shoulder. As soon as they made contact, Theodore nearly jumped out of his skin. “Oh,” he said with a deep gasp. “It is you.”
Edmond sat down beside Theodore. “If you wish to be my tutor, you would have to be my tutor alone,” Edmond said.
“What do you mean by that?” Theodore asked.
Edmond wanted to embrace and kiss Theodore, but not now, it was too public. “I want you to give notice to the Elridges and work for me alone.”
Theodore was silent a moment. “I am not sure that would quite work, but I could call off my lessons for this week, have a week’s vacation. I am sure the Elridges would not mind.”
Edmond wanted to push the point, but no, it could wait. This would be good at first.
“On one condition, though,” Theodore added.
“What might that be?” Edmond asked.
"I want to learn from you as well," Theodore said almost shyly. "I want to learn the things I could not learn when I lost my position."
Edmond laughed. "I am not able to teach you a damn thing, Theodore. I am a fraud."
"Then teach me to be a fraud," Theodore insisted. "Teach me how it is that you are so strong, so serious, teach me to be a man and not a boy."
“You are a man, through and through,” Edmond replied.
“I want to be understood as a man, to carry myself as one,” Theodore replied. “All my life, I have been treated as a boy. All my life I have acted as a boy, as though I had no responsibilities, no sense in me, like things will just work out with little to no effort on my part. Even when I am in such a position as I am now, I still try and coast, wait for life to work itself out for me. Perhaps I ought to do as you do, and become more severe, more civilized, try and move along and take up more duties rather than do… whatever it is I have been doing until now.”
Theodore stood and stretched, looking down the garden at the shaded areas beneath the trees at the bottom.<
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“That will not make you a man. Having responsibilities does not make you a man,” Edmond replied.
“No, having responsibilities makes me a human. Acknowledging and handling them makes a man,” Theodore insisted. “You must show me how to hide it all so well, how to carry on in spite of whatever lies beneath. I cannot afford to be always so carefree.”
Theodore began to walk without a word, and Edmond all but leaped to his feet to follow the tutor.
"You are more of a man than I shall ever be, trust me on that," Edmond said as he caught up. “And I would rather you be carefree than like me.”
“If I am carefree forever, then eventually I shall slip up, eventually someone shall see me do something they deem inappropriate and I shall be unemployed, or homeless, or imprisoned, or dead. I need to learn from you how to put my needs first and how to work from them,” Theodore replied.
"I suppose I could teach you how to wear the mask of an Earl until people believe you. Or how to run away from your responsibilities," Edmond said shyly. "But overall, I have very little to give you, much less to do for the world. The times of Earls and Barons and other nobles are over, Theodore."
Theodore seemed to ponder this. “Even so, to be able to play a part so well that nobody suspects a thing- I need to learn how to do it. It is invaluable in any era, surely?”
“I do not know. I do not know what is to come next, I just know that what I do and who I am is not something anyone should want to emulate at this point in time,” Edmond replied.
"If the times of Earls and Barons are over, then perhaps it does not matter if you make a good one or not," Theodore mused. “Perhaps you are free to make your own path.”
Edmond found himself searching for a way to deny this and stopped that train of thought. “You are so effortlessly optimistic,” he said with a laugh. “I hope someday I might be so cheerful concerning the future.”
“You can learn,” Theodore said, “we can all learn whatever we put our hearts and minds to.”