by Oien, M. K
“I woke up and you were gone. What are you doing out here Lucky?” He asked as he sat beside me on the blanket. I lifted my shoulder, shrugging. “I was just thinking about things.” I said softly. “I wish summer didn’t have to end.” Zeppelin nodded.
“Everything comes to an end eventually.” He said wistfully. Furrowing my brow I turned to look at him. I noticed his jaw muscles working as he stared out at the water. “Are you okay?” I asked quietly for what felt like the hundredth time today.
He took a deep breath and nodded. Slowly, his head turned toward me and the expression on his face was solemn. His blue eyes locked with mine intensely. Without a word he grasped my chin and brought my lips to his. The kiss was deliberate as his mouth moved against mine. The passion made my heart pause. It wasn’t because this kiss was hot though. No this kiss felt different than any other time. It was as if he was creating a memory, savoring the feel of us connected.
Before it could go any further, Zeppelin pulled away from me and rested his forehead against mine. The sun was beginning to set now and sink below the mountains on the other side of the water. Zeppelin sighed, his eyes still closed as he trailed his thumb along my lower lip.
“You’re everything to me Angel.” He breathed as he slowly opened his eyes. His brow furrowed slightly and he swallowed before speaking again. “I have to leave tomorrow.” My heart plummeted to my stomach and I pulled away from him. “What?” I croaked. I felt tears pooling in my eyes. He hadn’t mentioned anything all day and suddenly he had to leave.
“Why?” I asked. Zeppelin stared at me, his eyes trying to say something that his voice couldn’t. Shaking his head, he finally responded no higher than a whisper. “I can’t say, I just…I need to go to Seattle again for a while.” “Seattle?” I questioned with an arched brow. Zeppelin chewed on his bottom lip and nodded. He was being so vague in his response and my frustrations from earlier began to grow.
“What aren’t you telling me?” I demanded. “It’s nothing Lucky. Calm down, please.” Zeppelin replied. He set his hand on my shoulder and I immediately shrugged away from him. “Don’t.” I said. “You’re keeping something from me, I can tell.” His face fell and I saw what appeared to be pain flash in his eyes before he covered with an indifferent expression.
“What do you want me to say?” He asked as he crossed his arms tightly across his bare chest. “Tell me why you are going to Seattle.” I replied. Zeppelin shook his head again. “No.” He stated firmly.
I stood up from the blanket, my blood began to boil at how incredibly rude he was being. “Why won’t you tell me?” I pinned him with a glare. How could he go from being so sweet and treating me so special to being so cold?
“I told you that I can’t say.” He replied. I rolled my eyes. I was hurt, I was angry, and I was beginning to second guess myself even more for falling for Zeppelin. How stupid I was to be head over heels for a man who couldn’t be honest with me.
This was exactly why I stuck to my schedule and routine. This is why I focused on my future and the greater good. I began to feel more upset with myself than with him. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself for where I was now. Ultimately it was my decision to pursue Zeppelin. It was my choice to allow him to have me and I could now choose to walk away. Couldn’t I?
I placed my fingers at the bridge of my nose, pinching lightly. I didn’t want to cry, I refused to show any more emotion. I turned away from Zeppelin as my damn tears rolled down my cheeks. I rapidly tried to swipe them away. I felt Zeppelin move behind me and I could hear his ragged breathing, so close to my ear. He slowly trailed a finger along my shoulder blade.
“I’m sorry Angel.” He said softly, his voice thick with emotion. The tears flowed heavier and a small sob broke from my chest. “Jesus Lucky. No!” Zeppelin grabbed my upper arm, whirling me around to face him. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry baby.” He pulled me into him with my head cradled to his chest. One hand held me in place there and the other rubbed my lower back. Crying harder now, I clung to Zeppelin, my hands fisted against his ribs on either side of his body.
He kissed the top of my head. “Shh…Angel it’s okay. Don’t cry please. I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry.” He murmured over and over again. Being enveloped in his warm, strong, tattooed arms wasn’t helping and his unique scent overwhelmed my senses. I tried to take deep breaths but I felt my heart breaking with each pull of air to my lungs. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and pushed back to break away from Zeppelin. He didn’t let me go.
“Let me go Zeppelin.” I rasped. He held me tighter for a few moments and then exhaled as he set me back from him. When my eyes met his, my stomach rolled. The look on Zeppelin’s face was heartbreaking. Those deep blue eyes were laced with unshed tears. His beautiful lips were turned down in a dejected frown. I was stunned. I was hurt for him keeping me in the dark but it was crushing me to see him looking so equally miserable.
“Zeppelin…” I started, but he cut me off. “I’ve been selfish Lucky. I wanted you when I had no right. You don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you. I’m so sorry.” “I don’t understand.” I told him. “What are you keeping from me?” I watched as Zeppelin began to wage a war within him-self. His eyes darted around, taking in everything but me standing in front of him.
The sun was nearly gone now. With a shaky sigh he stepped closer to me and reached his hand out. Hoping he might open up this time, I allowed him to touch me. Cupping his hands on either side of my face he brushed the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs.
“I don’t ever want to be the reason for your tears.” He said. “Lucky I can’t hurt you more than I have already. You have to understand that what I’m about to tell you may be tough right now, but it will be far better later on.” I began shaking my head. “What are you saying?” I pleaded in a broken whisper.
Zeppelin shook his head slightly and furrowed his brow. Closing his eyes tightly, he lowered his head until our lips met. I allowed him to kiss me. It was short but felt like so much more. Pulling back from me he looked into my eyes.
“You have my heart Angel. You own every shitty part of me. I don’t want you, I fucking need you. You save me, you breathe life into me.” His breath hitched and a single tear rolled down his cheek. He removed his hands from my face and clutched my waist, pulling my hips to his.
“My body aches for your touch. It screams for you Lucky. You’re like a damn drug and I’m so addicted, so far gone that I forget. For just a while I can forget.” “Forget what Zeppelin?” I asked. I was still utterly confused. My heart was beating fast as he declared how he felt about me. I had this feeling though that I wouldn’t like where this was heading.
He took a deep breath, pinning me with those intense eyes. He licked his lips and began to speak again. “I’m in love with you Angel, so fucking in love with you.” His voice was hoarse and blood pounded in my ears at his admission. He loved me. Zeppelin loved me and for a moment I was sure I couldn’t have been happier. I felt so complete, I felt…Invincible, for a tiny brief moment. And then my world came crashing down around me.
“But I’ll have to let you go.” Zeppelin breathed.
My blood immediately ran cold. Everything became numb. I was in shock. How could he confess his love to me one minute and then break me the next. What did he expect me to do or say and where was this coming from?
“Why can’t you just tell me what it is you are keeping from me? Am I a game to you Zeppelin?” I asked as I felt more tears burning my eyes. “No, Lucky this isn’t a game to me. I just told you that I love you, how could you think I’m playing you?” He asked. “Because you said you have to let me go. Why Zeppelin?” He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. I saw a few more tears roll down his cheeks and then he covered his face with his hands.
“If you’ve got something to say to me, just say it.” I said with gritted teeth. Zeppelin lifted his head and removed his hands from his face. Narrowing his eyes, he spoke calmly. “The only thing I’ve got
to tell you is the one thing I can’t.” I began shaking my head and turned to leave. I wasn’t in the mood to play games with him. I was two seconds away from either continuing with crying or punching something and I refused to act upon that here. I had managed a half of a step before he grabbed my upper arm and whirled me around to face him.
The look of shock on my face didn’t deter him and he squeezed my arm tighter. I wasn’t shocked that he had put his hands on me. It was the look on his face, the look of a man ready to come undone at any moment. With tears in his eyes and a trembling lower lip, he just stared at me. I wasn’t expecting that sort of reaction from him; angry, annoyed, unperturbed maybe, but not…heartbroken. Not this miserable look that seemed to be a permanent fixture on his face since he came out here.
“Why can’t you tell me what it is that has you keeping your distance? Why is it that one minute you want to spend all of your waking moments with me and the next you have to rush off? What are you hiding from me and why in the hell are you stringing me along? If you don’t want me then fine! I’ll get over you eventually like you said. I’ll get over this.” I used my free arm to motion between our bodies. “But I deserve whatever the truth is Zeppelin. If you truly love me than you would at least give me that.”
Zeppelin winced as if he was in pain and his face crumpled further. He closed his eyes tight and took a deep breath. He released his hold on my arm and scrubbed his face with his hand. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t leave this time. He would have to talk eventually. He just had to finally let me in.
“You’re right, Lucky.” He said in a breathless whisper. His misty blue eyes met mine. “You don’t deserve to be lied to and you sure as hell shouldn’t have to sit back and be strung along by me or by anyone else. What I have to tell you is going to kill me. The pain it causes me isn’t what has stopped me from telling you though. It’s what this news is going to do to you. That’s why I’ve been keeping it from you. Do you understand that Angel? I’m trying to protect you.”
Zeppelin wrapped his hand around my wrist and gently pulled me to the blanket where we both sat down. He angled his body toward me, continuing to hold my hand in his as he brushed his thumb across my skin. Lowering his head, he took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I waited patiently, hoping that this time he would finally open up to me. When he lifted his head again, more tears spilled down his cheeks.
“You should know that I never intended for things to turn out this way. If I had any idea that things would happen the way they are now, I would have never pursued you like I did. You calm me and when I met you I just had to know more about you. I wanted to be with you because you were different. You amaze me and captivate me.”
Normally, I might be gushing at the words he spoke, singing my praises. I couldn’t do that now, knowing that there was an underlying reason for why he was explaining this. I remained quiet, waiting for Zeppelin to speak again.
“I felt fine. I was doing really great and being with you felt so much better than anything I’ve ever experienced. At the end of June, I began to feel strange, like something was just…off. It started with feeling completely exhausted even though I had plenty of sleep. I began to notice that no matter how much caffeine I drank or how many hours I slept, I was still tired. I thought maybe I was just coming down with a cold or the flu or something.”
I remembered when he had fallen asleep with me in bed a few weeks ago and how tired he had seemed. I also thought about how he had dozed off on the Fourth of July and when I would call him in the afternoon, he would answer the phone sounding groggy as if he’d been sleeping.
“Parts of my body began to feel sore after that. My hands would hurt or my knees would ache. Having been familiar with that pain, I put two and two together and knew that something just wasn’t right. I called my mom and told her that I needed to go back to Seattle as soon as possible and see my doctor. That’s why I had to leave a few weeks ago. I went in to get some scans and run some blood tests.”
My heart began to beat faster and I felt the bile rise in my throat at what Zeppelin was telling me. Scans and blood tests; what could he possibly think was wrong with him and how was he familiar with that pain?
“What are you saying Zeppelin? Are you sick?” I asked in a gruff whisper. I couldn’t bring myself to think about the possibility of what may be wrong even though somehow in the back of my mind it all started to fall in to place. I refused to accept anything until I heard it straight from his lips. “Tell me what it is please. Please just tell me.” I begged. Zeppelin’s brow furrowed and he placed his warm palm against my cheek.
“When I was twenty one, I found out that I had ALL Leukemia. I was in recovery and healthy and back to normal within the year. That was why I went to Seattle in the first place a few years ago. I came back here to Portland after over six months of negative tests and being without treatment.”
There are no words that will ever be able to explain what I was feeling in that moment. All of the air left my lungs and I was sure I was floundering in a deep ocean, suffocating on the words he spoke. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to make sense of his admission to me. I wanted to run and scream and cry and fight. More than anything, I just wanted to wake up from the horrible nightmare before it got worse. Because he wasn’t finished speaking and I knew it was about to get so much worse. All I could do was just sit there and listen. Once again I was frozen and in shock.
“It’s come back Angel. The cancer has come back and I have to go to Seattle and stay until they can try and get rid of it again.” More tears escaped Zeppelin’s eyes as he searched my face. I couldn’t hold it back any longer and a sob broke free from my throat. “I’m all set to begin chemo next week and if need be, they may look in to a stem cell transplant. It’s rare for someone with my age and health to have a relapse, but obviously it is possible.”
I sat silently, unmoving as I let what he was saying sink in fully. I had to start school next week and he would be going to Seattle in hopes of beating cancer for the second time in his life. This was not what I expected at all when I thought he was keeping things from me. I had to wrap my head around this, I had so many questions. But I couldn’t speak. We just sat there together, facing the water, staring blankly at nothing.
Zeppelin didn’t touch me and I didn’t touch him. Eventually, my tears began to subside, but I didn’t feel any better. If anything, I felt more broken. Zeppelin remained quiet. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what he must be feeling and how he was affected. Surprisingly enough, I was much better at the heavy stuff with strangers than with those close to me. I didn’t know how to console him or what appropriate questions to ask.
I felt lost.
Chapter 11
~September 2012~
One of the most difficult things in life is accepting something that you can’t comprehend. Waiting on someone that you are certain will never return to you. If it was possible, I was more in love with Zeppelin after he finally revealed the truth to me than I was before. Knowing that he was keeping his cancer a secret from me hurt, but finally understanding the reason for it helped a little.
It wasn’t his intention to hurt me and what kind of person would I be to hold a grudge against him for protecting me. What we had wasn’t black and white. There were so many shades of gray that we just couldn’t explain. For some reason he had come into my life at a time that I least expected. Somehow I was there for him without knowing just how much I had helped him.
He had told me that night on the beach that he loved me more than anything in the world. He cried and apologized over and over for involving me in something that would only end in tragedy. I cried with him, I cried for him because I still wanted him. It didn’t matter if we had a lifetime together or a few months or even a few days. I wanted to be with Zeppelin and hold his hand and love him.
The next morning, after spending the night together one last time, just sleeping together and getting lost in each other’s souls, he left. There was
no goodbye from him, no note this time. The dread and awful thoughts that filled my head as I fell asleep that night in his arms were amplified when I opened my eyes that following day.
As quickly as Zeppelin had appeared in my life at the beginning of the summer, he left just as abruptly at the end. I was left with unanswered questions, a broken heart, and nothing left to do but what I had known for so long. I escaped into the monotony and routine of everyday life. My schoolwork and plan for the future came back into the forefront of my mind again. It was as if Zeppelin never happened to me, except there was now a painful void deep inside my chest.
It was nearly a month into school and fall was beginning to change the weather and the colors of the trees. Just like my body all the time recently, the air was cold and frigid. I tried contacting Zeppelin a few times to check in with him and see how he was doing. He never returned my calls or responded to my text messages.
I found myself just going through the motions everyday as my mind filled with the dread of sorrow and worry for him. I felt like I had lost a piece of myself now that he was gone. A once determined and level headed person, I was now a basket case of emotion and negativity. It was even hard talking to anyone, including Dixon.
I had gone over to his house a week after we got back from Cannon Beach and overheard him telling Josh about how Zeppelin was going to start treatment soon. I was angry that my cousin knew what was happening and I didn’t. I was frustrated at the fact that when he realized I was listening to him, he stopped talking. After that, I kind of just closed off and refused to be around anyone that reminded me of the summer and the times I spent with the one man who I ever truly fell for.
Hannah was the only person that I still continued to talk to and that wasn’t necessarily by my doing. She just wouldn’t leave me alone and was constantly stopping by my apartment or waiting for me after school with a coffee. She was my best friend and whether I wanted her or not at the time, I knew that she would always be there for me. I appreciated that, I loved her for that, but she wasn’t Zeppelin. He was the only person that I wanted to see and be with. He was the only person that I was beginning to grow certain, I would never see again.