by Lise Gold
“Are you attacking me because I’m wealthy? Are you saying I don't deserve what I have? What do you want me to do, Mel? Give away all my possessions? You can't blame me for being born into this family, that's just ridiculous. And who says they wouldn't understand?” She took a deep breath to continue her defense, but Mel had already turned her back to her and was making her way to the tube station. Sophie gave up when she felt tears welling up. She didn’t want Mel to see her cry. She yelled after her. “You know what? Fine. Walk away. I’m done too.”
35
“Anything else before we close the meeting?” When Debbie didn’t get a reply, she started gathering her paperwork from the long table in the conference room. “Sophie, you’ve been awfully quiet today. Anything you’d like to share?” Despite her size and the fact that her baby was due two days ago, Debbie was still there. Sophie shook her head.
“No I’m good, thanks. Just not feeling too well.” She glanced over at Mel who followed the design assistants out of the room with her laptop under her arm and a mug of coffee in her other hand. They hadn’t really spoken for three days and the formal politeness they addressed each other with made it almost unbearable for Sophie to be in the office. She tried to make eye contact when Mel passed her seat on the other side of the window, but she got nothing but a blank stare. It hurt.
“Go home if you’re not well,” Debbie insisted. “Maybe you just need a good night’s sleep. You look tired.” Sophie waved it off.
“I’m fine. Just a headache. I’ve taken some painkillers, so I’m sure I’ll be okay in an hour.” She gathered her own stuff and made her way back to her desk, past Mel. She lingered there until Mel finally looked up.
“Can we talk, please?” Mel scanned the design area to make sure no one was listening in.
“Not here, Sophie. I’m busy. It’s not a good time.” Sophie sighed.
“Please, I’m begging you. I can’t bear being around you like this. It’s killing me that you hate me.” One of the developers passed, and she pretended to read the notes in her hand until the girl was at a safe distance. “Can we please go outside? Five minutes?” Sophie realized she must have looked pretty desperate because Mel’s expression softened.
“I don’t hate you, okay? I’m just angry, that’s all.” She picked up a file and turned her chair to Sophie. “I have another meeting right now, but I agree we should talk. Can I call you Friday night? Or maybe we can meet up on Saturday? I didn’t want this ‘us’ thing to affect our jobs, but it seems like it already is.” Sophie nodded.
“I miss you,” she whispered. Mel cast her a sad smile.
“Look. Maybe I overreacted towards you but my mother means the world to me and what happened on Sunday really hurt me.” Sophie shook her head.
“Mel, I understand that you’re angry. Maybe even disgusted. But I’m not my mother, and I don’t condone her behavior. This isn’t fair to me.” Mel opened her mouth to speak, but someone called her from the other side of the room.
“Mel, are you ready? Our model is waiting, and she’s cold so we need to wrap this up as quick as we can.” Mel stood up.
“Got to go. Not here. This is a private matter.” Sophie’s gaze followed Mel as she walked off towards the fitting area where she greeted the model with a smile. Mel seemed less affected by their fight than Sophie was. At least she was perfectly capable of functioning at work. Sophie felt anxious and dizzy. A sudden sense of panic overtook her as she sat down behind her desk, frantically searching for a bottle of water in the mess around her. She closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing, holding on to her chest. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing Mel. Is this a fight or a breakup? Until a couple of days ago, Sophie had been over the moon. She’d finally been able to be herself and completely at ease around someone whom she was madly in love with. She was furious with her mother but also with herself. Why didn’t I defend Marisol? Are we going to be okay? Is it my fault? Everything was such a mess. If only her mother hadn’t been so nasty, they would have been fine. But Mel was hurt, and Sophie wasn’t sure if she could fix it. She waved at Debbie from behind her desk, indicating that she was leaving. Then she packed her bag and left the office, desperate to be alone.
36
“And that’s when I lost it,” Mel said, blinking away her tears. Her head was resting in her mother’s lap on the couch. It was something she hadn’t done since she was a little girl. The gentle strokes of Isabella’s hands made her feel calmer, but her anger still hadn’t receded.
“These things happen,” Isabella said. “It’s not Sophie’s fault.”
“I know,” Mel sniffed. “But still, it was in her parents’ house, and it can’t have been the first time that it happened. It made me so furious, thinking that could have been you. ”
“Don’t worry about me, Melzinha. How many times do I have to tell you? I made my own choices. I can fend for myself, just like Marisol can. And don’t take it out on Sophie. It’s not fair to her.” She giggled. “I know you like her. You can’t fool me, no matter how hard you try.” Mel couldn’t help but laugh through her tears.
“How do you know?”
“How do I know? I’m your mother. Plus you’ve talked about her nonstop for the past month. It’s not that hard to figure out.” Mel sat back up and took a deep breath.
“I really like her, Mum. More than I’ve ever liked anyone before. But I can’t stop thinking about the ‘what-ifs.' I’m the first woman she’s been with, and I always seem to fall for the straight girls. What if she changes her mind? What if she decides it’s easier to spend her life with a man because her family expects her to? What if she needs more than I can give her? Financially, I mean. And what if I’ll never be able to set another foot in her parents’ house because I can’t stand being around them? What if they find out about Sophie and me and I’m not welcome there anymore? Would it change things between us? Is that even important?” Isabella shook her head.
“Since when did you start caring about what other people think of you? You’ve always been true to yourself, and I’m proud of you for that.” She pulled Mel’s curls back and kissed her forehead. “One thing is certain. I’ve only met Sophie on a couple of occasions, but she’s one of the nicest, sweetest women I’ve ever met. She doesn’t strike me as the type to care about class or money or her parents’ opinions. So why should you?” Mel shrugged.
“Maybe you’re right.” Isabella took her mug of tea from the table and cradled it in her hands.
“You know what? I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told you before.” Mel turned to her in surprise.
“What could you possibly tell me that I don’t already know about you?” Isabella took a sip from her tea and cleared her throat.
“When I first came to the UK, I had nothing. My parents, God bless their souls, had saved up for five years to buy me a ticket in the hope I would get a chance of a better life here. They had arranged a place for me to stay for the first month with friends of friends. They didn’t really know them, but it was my only option at the time so we could only hope for the best. I had ten pounds in my pocket and a small suitcase. Paolo, the man of the house I would be staying in, picked me up from the airport.” She paused, her mind wandering back many years. “It was all very new for me. I’d never been on a plane. I’d never even traveled outside Brazil. It was overwhelming, to say the least. Paolo put my suitcase in the back and told me to sit in the front, next to him. He was Brazilian too, and although I knew basic English, I was relieved to have someone to talk to in my own language. Then, after about half an hour, when we were driving on a quiet country road, he asked me if I was grateful for his help. He said he had some ideas on how I could thank him. I knew then something wasn’t right. He put his hand on my leg and started squeezing my thigh. I was too scared to move, so I just sat there in silence, and I let him touch me.” She sighed. “What could I do? He was much bigger than me, and we were driving.” Mel looked up, facing her mother.
&
nbsp; “Mum, that’s terrible. He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Isabella shook her head.
“When we finally stopped off at a petrol station to fill up the tank, I got out of the car while he was paying. I ran and ran as fast as my feet could carry me. I only had my passport and ten pounds on me.” Mel tried to say something, but Isabella stopped her. “Wait. Let me finish. This is not the point I’m trying to make.” She took a sip of her tea. “Anyway, I ran and then walked for hours and hours until I somehow arrived here, in Brixton. I saw a pub with a sign ‘cheap rooms for rent’. I asked the man at the bar how long I could stay for ten pounds and he laughed. Everyone at the bar laughed, apart from one man. Your father.” Mel swallowed hard.
“I don’t understand. I thought you met him later.” She paused. “Did he help you?” Isabella nodded.
“He was quite a handsome man back then. He was a lot older but good-looking, you know. He asked me if I wanted to join him at a table and I did. He bought me dinner and a drink and inquired about my situation. I think he was shocked to hear that I had ended up in a strange country with nothing but ten pounds and a suitcase that was left behind in the boot of a car somewhere. In the end, I think he felt sorry for me, and he offered to help me. I wasn’t sure if I could trust him, but I didn’t really have any other choice. He told me he was a builder and that I could stay in one of the houses he was working on until the work was completed. He even apologized for the fact that I couldn’t stay at his house because he was married and he didn’t think his wife would agree.” She smiled. “He was kind. The top floor of the building site was nearly finished, and he bought me a blow-up mattress and a sleeping bag that got me through the night. He brought me food, let me shower in the builders’ annex after they had finished for the day and warned everyone to leave me alone. I spent my days walking miles, enquiring for a job in every single shop, office, and restaurant. It was a lonely time, but his encouragement kept me going. Within three weeks, I found a cleaning job in a hotel.” Isabella’s face lit up when she thought back to the moment her life changed for the better. “I was so happy. Finally, I had a goal in life. I had people to talk to and somewhere to go during the day. Your father and I grew close. After he finished work, he would come upstairs, and we would eat together and talk, sometimes for hours.” She put a hand on Mel’s knee. “I fell in love with him. We fell in love.”
“You did?” Mel frowned. “I’m so sorry. I know I’ve never asked, but he was so much older… I always assumed you married him because you had no other choice.” Isabella shook her head.
“No, we were in love, very much so. Nothing happened, though. He was married, and my mother hadn’t raised me to sleep with married men. By the time the building work had finished, I had saved up enough money to move into a shared apartment with some of the other cleaners I had met through work, but your father and I stayed in touch. One day, he was waiting for me after my shift finished. He told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me and that he’d finally left his wife. I couldn’t have been happier. We spent our first night together, and you were born nine months later.” Mel was too stunned for words. “I know, I know,” Isabella said. “It’s probably not what you expected. You never asked, and so we only told you the story in broad strokes. You’ve always been so protective of me growing up, and I didn’t want you to know how hard it had been for me back then. It’s just not something you tell your children.” She sighed. “Nobody is perfect, Melzinha. Although your father was a gambling addict and drank too much, he has and always will be the love of my life, even though he’s not around anymore. And I want that for you too. That’s why I’m telling you this now. Please don’t let your anger stand in the way of something good. When you meet someone special, hold on to her. Because in the end, love is the only thing that matters. All the rest is just white noise.”
37
“Sophie? Is that you?” Eleanor’s trembling voice sounded upset. Sophie rushed into the kitchen to find her mother on one of the chairs at the table, her forehead resting in her hands. She had puffy eyes from crying and looked like she was about to give up on life.
“Mum! What happened? Is Dad okay? Did something happen to Stew? I came as quick as I could when I got your message.” She kneeled down, wiping the tears from her mother’s red cheeks. “Please Mum, say something. Are they okay? Are you okay?” Her mother shook her head.
“No one is hurt, Sophie. At least not in the physical sense. Your father is playing golf, and your brother is... Well, I don't know where he is, but I suppose he's fine.” Sophie frowned.
“So why are you crying?” She studied her mother’s face and suddenly lost her sympathy. “Is it because we had a fight after Mel left last week? Because I meant everything I said and I’m not going to apologize for defending her. Your behavior was not acceptable. You never yell at Marisol like that. Did you do it on purpose? To show Mel you were better than her?” Her mother glanced up at her with a look Sophie had never seen before. Was it disappointment? Resentment?
“I know,” she said.
“What do you know, Mum? I don't get it.” An uneasy feeling overtook Sophie, and it made her stomach drop.
“I know about you and Mel.” She sighed. “I can’t believe we welcomed her into our home!” She looked angry now. “I knew there was something funny between the two of you, but I kept on telling myself I was being silly. Do you two even work together or was that a lie too? It's disgusting, Sophie. Do you ever consider what people are going to think about us when you pull a stunt like that? Did you do it for attention?” Then her eyes narrowed. “Are you using drugs?” Sophie stood up and took a step back. She wasn't sure if she was more surprised about her mother's knowledge of the situation or her unexpected reaction. This didn't seem like her mother at all. She looked at her in confusion.
“Aldo told me,” Eleanor said. He came by this afternoon. He wasn’t planning on telling me, but he’d overheard people talking about it so he figured the word would travel fast and he didn’t want me to hear it from someone else. Thank God your father was out playing golf and let's hope he never finds out. Aldo promised it wouldn't go any further so we'll just have to pray for the best, although he couldn’t vouch for your friends who all seem to be well informed about your antics.” She bit off a fingernail and flicked it into the ashtray on the table.
“Why, Sophie? You had a good chance with this boy. He could have given you a stable future and financial security. Not to mention that he's good looking and crazy about you. He waited three weeks before telling me. Imagine the inner conflict he must have felt! The boy is heartbroken, and so am I.” Those last words brought out a roaring rage in Sophie. She was shaking on her legs, contemplating whether to walk out or not. It was probably for the best to leave because right now, she hated her mother. This was about as bad as it could get. Sophie took another step backward. She couldn't be near her anymore.
“What?” she shouted. “I can't believe he told you, what a nasty piece of shit! Do you know why he did that? Because he's a bitter, sneaky little shit. I told you I didn't like him then and I still don’t like him. Does my happiness mean nothing to you? Nothing at all? Do you want me to get married and spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t like? Is that what you want? Do you want me to be miserable? You haven't even asked me about my side of the story. And even if it was true, so what? Would it be so terrible if I had a thing with a girl? Are you really that kind of a person? I mean, look at you! You’re obviously open minded enough to reshape your entire face and think nothing about it. But when your own daughter shares something special with someone who happens to be a woman, you act as if the world has come to an end.” Eleanor’s face twitched and she looked away. Sophie waited for a reply but there was only the icy silence that cut through the both of them like a knife. Her mother said nothing and that said it all. In any other situation, Sophie would have denied everything, at least until she had figured out a way to discuss it. But right now, she didn’t care.
�
�You know what?” she said, trying to keep her angry voice under control. “I did kiss her. Not because I was trying to provoke Aldo or hurt him or you and dad. I kissed her because I wanted to. I’m in love with her and you ruined it by behaving like an idiot on Sunday. You ruined what mattered most to me.” Sophie turned around and walked towards the door. “And in case you were wondering, I slept with her too,” she sneered before she slammed the door.
Outside, Sophie had to steady herself against the brick wall by the gate. She felt like she was suffocating. Her mother’s words hadn’t totally settled in during their conversation and now it was reality that struck her hard. What she had always assumed to be unconditional love was nothing but a lie. Did her mother not care about her happiness? Was she really that selfish? And Aldo…. She couldn’t believe he had had the audacity to show up on her family’s doorstep and out her to her mother just because he had been turned down.
“Fucking prick,” she said to herself. The big issue wasn’t even that he had told her but it was still a shitty thing to do. What really bothered her was her mother’s reaction to the whole situation. How could it be so terrible? It wasn’t as if they lived in the sixteenth century, and this was London for God’s sake. It was a free country. Her mother didn’t have to worry about Sophie going to jail or being shunned from society. So why was it such an issue? Clearly, all she cared about was herself. Sophie felt a pain in her chest and wasn’t sure if it was physical. She burst into tears, searching for her phone in the over-full pockets of her coat. With shaking hands, she tried to call her brother. She needed someone on her side, someone who knew her mother just as well as she did. She needed someone to tell her she wasn’t in the wrong. It went straight to voicemail. She sent him a text but got no answer. Her brother was obsessed with his phone and it was very unusual for him not to pick up. She sunk onto the pavement, her knees pulled up under her chin. A tear rolled over her cheek, and she turned her head away when one of the neighbors opened the window to check on her. Sophie had never felt so alone. She missed Mel, but she couldn't call her. They still hadn't spoken after their fight. She couldn’t call Cat either. If Aldo was right and her friends knew too, Cat was the only person who could have told them. Her best friend of all people. She pictured Cat waving her hair around, her eyes wide, whispering behind her back while she spilled the juice in front of everyone she knew. The thought hurt, perhaps even more than her mother’s words. Sophie needed her brother.