He paused, closing his eyes for a moment to gather strength. “In the Marines, the higher ups realized I had skill with a rifle and sent me to sniper school. All those years of hunting deer really paid off. Making me even more valuable was that I was able to execute targets without all that pesky guilt afterward. If I read the file on a target and knew, knew they were scum, I could take them out and go have pancakes.”
Sucking in a lungful of air, he heard Daphne say, “After I killed Winston, my only thought was finding a shower and a steak. I couldn’t have eaten it but that’s what I wanted. I’ve never felt one moment of guilt for stabbing him to death. I wish I could have been with you to watch the other two die.”
“I’m glad you weren’t. You’ve seen enough violence in your life, baby.” He took a drag of his cigarette, “I was part of a special team for four years, and I was very good at my job. The military put me through medical school and found another area I excelled in. When I returned to the field full time, I functioned as the team medic and executioner. A strange combination, I guess.”
He paced the porch, smoking. “I met a woman in the Congo. Officially, we weren’t there but that was where I was stationed for most of my military career.” His eyes stared off toward the mountains, seeing the jungle and a small village. “She was kind and funny and knew I was fucked up but didn’t seem to mind.” Ryan shook his head. “I took care of her. Made sure her and her family had what they needed, which took shockingly few American dollars to accomplish. I’d see her every few months when I got leave and her people accepted me.” He took a long drag and whispered, “A year after we met, she got pregnant and had a little girl. We named her Natalia. I only saw her once.” He rubbed his eyes hard, wishing he could stop seeing the past.
“A gorilla group invaded her village. Killed all the men, beheaded the children. They raped the women again and again before they left them to die. It was a message to other villages in the territory not to resist their occupation, their brutality. When our team arrived, every building was slowly burning, despite a misting rain.”
He swallowed hard and lit another cigarette with a shaking hand. “I found her…the mother of my child…in a pool of her own blood. She was still alive. As much pain as she was in physically, the psychological damage was much worse. With the last of her strength, she held what was left of our daughter in her arms. She begged me, pleaded with me, to kill her. To end it and let her find peace. She couldn’t go on, couldn’t live with the memories of what had been done to our child and to her. I kissed her once and then I broke her neck. There was a smile on her face that haunts me still.”
Ryan still felt physical agony at the memory, the horror, of that day. Then his voice went cold. “I hunted down and executed seventeen men over the next weeks. Their entire little gang of murderers and rapists fell to my rifle and then my knives. I made them suffer for a long time. None of them were given an easy death. What frightened me was how much I enjoyed it. After I’d taken out the men responsible for taking what little peace I’d been able to find, I left the Congo, I left the military, and took my shot at living a normal life.”
His heart was racing, his stomach sick with the verbal acknowledgement of the things he’d done. No regret. No guilt, even now. He hated showing Daphne who he really was. “I came back to the States and focused on my medical career. I opened a clinic that specialized in helping ex-military. A one-stop shop for rehab, surgery, and psychotherapy. I realize now it made us a target.” He focused on the cigarette for a moment and Daphne waited quietly, refusing to interrupt.
“We’d been open three years when we received an anonymous package containing an unknown bio-weapon. It was released through the entire building when my receptionist simply cut open the envelope. By the time I identified the primary compound and figured out an antidote, our quarantined building contained seven living and thirty-one dead.”
He gave a humorless laugh, “I received huge pats on the back, big publicity for cracking the code so quickly and saving so many lives. I couldn’t tell you the name of a single celebrity who congratulated me, of a single politician who gave me a medal – but I still know every name of the thirty-one people who died because I wasn’t fast enough. I sold everything I owned and came here, a place I’d been one time on a hunting trip with my team ten years before. The day I found you, you were the first person I’d seen in more than four years.” He took a deep breath and added, “Everything I touch gets corrupted somehow. That is a lot less likely if you become a hermit.” He snubbed out the cigarette and lit another, allowing Daphne time to absorb all he’d told her.
When she spoke, he could hear the tears in her voice, “Ryan, I understand now. Why you live so far from people, from civilization. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I brought so many horrible memories back to life for you but I’m grateful it was you who found me.” She gave a single quiet sob. “I wish I was close enough to hug you right now because I think you could really use some human contact. I wonder how you’ve stayed so gentle, so kind, with all you’ve seen and experienced in your life. How old are you, Ryan?”
He was struggling to keep it together but somehow managed to say roughly, “Forty-two.”
She gave him a watery laugh, “You look thirty. I’ll be twenty-nine this year and look forty. Funny how two different roads led us to the same place in the middle of nowhere, Alaska.”
“You do not look forty, Daphne.”
“Ha. Well, I feel forty then. A plastic surgeon whose sister was one of my hospice patients has been working on the scarring. A dentist I knew through my Aunt Glenda took care of my ruined teeth. Now I have mostly implants. Janice says you can’t tell the difference. I think she’s ridiculously sweet.” She paused for a long time before asking him quietly, “Would you come here, if I asked you to, Ryan? Here to me? If I told you I needed you to?”
“I would,” he answered her without hesitation.
“As much as you’ve withdrawn from the world at large, you went with me into McArthur. You would come all the way to Ohio if I felt you were the only person who could help me?”
“I would leave immediately if you needed me, Daphne.”
“Okay. I reserve the right to ask that of you if things get to be too bad. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I may need you, Ryan. I think I may get worse before I get better.”
“Daphne, say the word and I’ll come to you. But if that happens, you have to promise to wait for me. I’m not around the corner. No matter what, you have to wait for me.” Securing her promise meant a lot to him. Daphne was a very honest woman.
They talked for another hour and Ryan was amazed at the burden she’d lifted from him just by listening and not judging his past. He was surprised when she didn’t call the next day.
It was strange how accustomed he’d become to her calls.
How much he missed her voice.
Chapter Eight
Two days later, Ryan was beginning to feel the unfamiliar emotion of panic. He hadn’t heard from Daphne and she wasn’t picking up her phone. Calls to Janice went to voicemail and he’d started checking flights from the nearest airport almost one hundred miles away.
He told himself there was no way Daphne wouldn’t give him the chance to help her, to help ease some of her turmoil. She thought it was anger when in reality it was a sense of helplessness. He knew because it was exactly the way he’d felt during the two most horrific events of his life.
She wanted control. To know she had enough power to keep from being hurt again. He ached to convince her that she already had it. That she’d had it all along and only the actions of her kidnappers had forced her submission. Inside her, she held a core of steel. It was what had kept her alive; it was what had given her the will to escape in her weakened condition at the time. There had never been anyone in his life that he admired more.
Late that afternoon, he heard the helicopter arriving to drop his quarterly delivery in the meadow at the base of the mountain. When he’d
first decided to withdraw from the world, Ryan had known there were certain things he couldn’t live without. Produce, beef, and books were high on the list.
Glancing out the kitchen window, he watched the chopper descending. As it lowered out of sight, he pulled on boots and a jacket. He’d check the drop and go get the Kubota to haul it up to the cabin. There was no need to rush. His instructions were very clear. He paid a certain amount for them to deliver everything from his PO Box in McArthur and they were satisfied with his email confirmation. Opening the door ten minutes later, he watched as the chopper lifted off and soon disappeared from sight.
He closed the cabin door and went down the porch steps. It was as he headed across the clearing, he saw her. Daphne was running towards him full out wearing hiking boots with a fully loaded pack strapped to her back. She shrugged the pack from her shoulders mid-stride and let it drop to the ground, never breaking her stride.
When she was within a couple of feet, she jumped at him. He caught her, stumbling back a step with the impact. Her arms were in a vice grip around his neck, her legs around his waist just as tight. He realized his own arms were wrapped around her torso, crushing her to him with all his strength. He concentrated on loosening them but Daphne didn’t do the same. Horrifyingly, his entire body reacted to her instantly. There was no doubt in his mind that he’d never been harder in his life.
They stayed like that for several minutes. Standing in the middle of his clearing with her wrapped around his body. He stroked his hand over her hair, his heart clutching at the realization that it was no longer coarse and unhealthy. She smelled like citrus and vanilla.
Without releasing her grip, Daphne lifted her face to look at him and he could not believe the changes in her. Her skin was taut and lightly tanned. Dark, silky hair fell down her chest and back, kept restrained in a long ponytail. Her deep brown eyes were clear and healthy, sparkling now with unshed tears.
But her smile, dear lord…that was what almost brought him to his knees. She was smiling at him with full, supple lips and perfect new teeth. For the first time, he realized she had dimples in her cheeks and for some strange reason that made him want to laugh.
“You shaved.” He nodded. “I like your face, Ryan, very much.” She stared at his dark blue eyes and squared jaw, finally lifting her hands to stroke his shaggy dark blond hair back from his forehead.
Bringing her palms to rest on his ruggedly tanned cheeks, she leaned in and kissed him, gentle little pecks back and forth over his lips as his grip tightened across her back again. Burying her face in his neck, she whispered, “I’ve missed you. Every day, every single day, I’ve missed you, Ryan. Please let me stay.”
He turned his face into her hair, breathing in the clean smell of her shampoo. It was right to have her here, so right to be holding her. Something inside him clicked into place, as if what he’d been missing all along had finally been given to him. Nothing had ever terrified him so much.
Ryan walked to the porch and sat on the steps, smiling when she made no move to let go of him. “Please tell me Janice knows where you are or she’ll be frantic.” She nodded against him, seemed to like how it felt and rubbed her cheek over the warm skin of his neck. “Daphne…I…need to set you down, honey.”
Lifting her head, she met his eyes with an expression he didn’t recognize at first. Then he realized it was aggression, hunger. “Ryan, I’ve been in rehab and psychotherapy for almost a year now. I’ve talked to you on the phone almost daily for thousands of hours and can say with all honesty you are still the only male of the human race that doesn’t scare the daylights out of me.”
She gave him another of her beautiful smiles, “A hard-on isn’t going to send me screaming, I promise.” Daphne stroked over his brows and down his jaw, “I have to say, I didn’t notice how absolutely gorgeous you were before.” He rolled his eyes at her. “No, I’m serious. You’re a full-fledged hottie.” Ryan laughed. She tilted her head to the side, “See the scar?” He took her jaw in his hand and examined the area where once there had been a long, jagged scar almost a quarter of an inch wide. All that remained was a thin pale line.
“Daphne, that’s amazing,” he told her honestly.
She was smiling. “I know, right? The doctor did plastic surgery on that one then treated a bunch of the other scars. Some of the smaller ones are almost gone completely. The bigger ones will take longer but I have this cream he prescribed that fades them a little more all the time. Look.” She fished in her jacket pocket and pulled out her wallet, flipping it open to her ID and a senior picture beside it.
“I got my new ID about a month before I came to Alaska. This is my corny senior photo with a big goofy grin. What do you think?” She gave the same smile and he compared the two.
“Your teeth really are the same. I’m so happy for you, Daphne. You look…amazing.” He cupped the back of her head, “But I saw so much more than the scars and damaged teeth from the first day. I saw a survivor, Daphne. All the exterior stuff is good for you, helps you fit back in your own skin again, but I certainly didn’t need it to find you stunning.”
She blinked back tears and hugged him hard again. He could feel the warmth of her breath beneath his ear and he relished the ability to simply hold her, to hug her like this without scaring her. “You’ve come so far. Done so much to heal yourself, Daphne.”
“It started with you, Ryan. You helped me not be afraid.” Sitting up, her eyes found his. “As much as I love Janice and her big family, I don’t think I would have made it back if I’d been found by them. I needed the vibrations from what I’d been through to fade a little. I had that, here with you.” One finger traced his cheek. “You were so quiet, so still. Steady as a rock and intent on not scaring me. It allowed me to go do what I had to do; the surgeries, the rehab, and wrapping up the life I used to live.”
She returned to hugging him and he stroked his hand over her back, making small circles that soothed. “You’ve gained weight. I’m so glad. Any pain or lingering health problems?”
Ryan could feel her smile against his neck. “No, Dr. Wallace. I get twinges in my joints every so often. Malnourishment hit my bones and cartilage hard. I take lots of vitamins to stop further damage.” Lifting her head, she gave him a grin.
“I feel better than I ever have though, Ryan. When I was in high school, I was slender. A cheerleader, if you can imagine. Gag. I was never cut. Just built narrow with a high metabolism. Check this out,” she pushed her jacket and flannel shirt aside and lifted the soft t-shirt she wore.
He stared at her sculpted abs and thought his mouth might be watering. She lifted his hand and put it on her warm skin, “Pinch me.” He could find no give in her at all and she smiled. “I’m bad-assed now, Ryan. Less girly than I used to be and I really like that. I’ve got a license to carry and I practice a few times every week. I’ve gotten to be a very good shot but I bet you could help me make it perfect.”
Clearing his throat, Ryan said, “Daphne, I really need to get you off my lap, honey.”
She rocked her pelvis against the hard ridge of his cock, sending shockwaves of sensation over his body as she cupped his face in her hands. “No, I don’t think either of us wants me to do that. You do not scare me, Ryan. You wouldn’t hurt me and I think you may be the only person who will ever be able to touch me intimately again.”
Cupping his face in her hands, she kissed him again. This time, her lips parted and her silken tongue touched the seam of his lips. He opened for her and she deepened the kiss until both of them were breathing fast and Ryan swore she had to hear the pounding of his heart.
Daphne broke the kiss but didn’t move back, whispering against his lips, “I want you to try, Ryan. I need you to try because if I can’t be with you then there will never be any point. Not to me. The only place I ever felt safe, ever felt somewhat normal since all this happened, was with you. I don’t care what brought us together. I don’t care if you think you’re not right for me, I know you are. I can ta
lk to you. I trust you to be painfully honest with me.”
She stopped long enough to kiss him again and he realized one of his hands was buried in her hair; the other was gripping her hip. “The life I used to have is gone. I can never get it back; I can never go back to trying to fit into a place where I no longer fit. Strangely, I find that I don’t care because I think you love me as much as I love you. And I love you quite a lot, Ryan.”
He smoothed his hand through her hair, feeling the silken strands beneath his fingers as he gently cupped the back of her head. “I do love you, Daphne. It scares me to love you because I want it so much. More than anything I’ve ever wanted. I’m terrified of putting fear in your eyes. You’ve had so much taken from you, been through so much pain.”
“Then give me something back, Ryan. Something only you have the power to give me. I need you, all of you, and maybe I can find peace again.”
His fingers massaged the back of her head as he stared into her expressive chocolate eyes. When he tugged her toward him, she came willingly and when his lips touched hers, she opened for him. They explored one another. Her tongue stroking over his, sucking against him as her teeth scraped him lightly. Her fingers went into his hair, gripping the length at the nape of his neck as she tightened her legs around his waist.
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