I blinked, surprised by the question. “Of course,” I responded.
His expression was still dark. “I can’t give you everything that someone like Larry can.”
“I don’t want someone like Larry.” I had a bit of anger in my voice. “I want you.”
He stroked my cheek. “I just want you to be sure. I don’t want you to resent me when you visit Marvin and Mel in their McMansion in Scottsdale.”
“I don’t care about being wealthy. I love the way I feel when I’m with you and I love the way I make you feel. For the first time in my life, I’m truly happy. I’m happy being with you. That’s all I care about.”
Cody seemed to relax a bit. He leaned down and kissed me. As his lips pressed harder against mine I could feel the heat between us build and intensify. He didn’t say a word as he looked into my eyes. I could see the desire he had for me but it was tempered by something else. Something I had never seen before. Was it hurt? Pain?
He continued staring deep into my eyes as he unbuttoned my blouse and tossed it to the floor. Then he removed my bra so I stood completely bare chested in front of him.
His hands moved down my body and he removed my skirt and underwear. I stood naked but he was still fully clothed. I felt completely vulnerable under the intensity of his gaze.
He hoisted me up so that my legs were around his waist and he carried me to the bed. He gently placed me down then spread my legs open.
Cody was relentless in his quest for me to orgasm as he skillfully licked, and sucked and caressed my sex with his tongue. The sensations I felt as his tongue penetrated me were so acute, it was nearly unbearable.
Then my legs began to quiver and I was overtaken by the bliss of release. I moaned in absolute delight. I had never climaxed that way before so I never knew what I had been missing. I realized in my time with Rob, I had been missing a lot.
When I opened my eyes, Cody was staring at me. I thought he might smile but his face was still neutral. It made me nervous to see him so devoid of outward emotion. Normally, he delighted in my pleasure.
“Make love to me,” I said. I longed to reestablish that connection between us.
He didn’t respond verbally. He removed his clothes and made his way back between my legs.
I could see he was already hard and ready. He put his finger between my legs then finally spoke. “You’re ready for me.”
I nodded and he quickly placed a condom on.
When he thrust his manhood deep inside me, I nearly screamed out at the intensity of his action. He continued to thrust hard and deep as if he was trying to exercise some of his demons with the act. It was so fierce and wild, I lost my mind in the turbulence.
We both climaxed quickly and forcefully. He lingered inside me and continued to stare deep into my eyes without saying a word.
I ran my fingers through his hair and cupped my hands on his face. “You mean more to me than anything else in the world,” I said. “I hope you know that.”
I finally saw a small smile move across his face as he withdrew himself from me.
It seemed like a long time passed as we lay in bed caressing each other in post-coital bliss. Cody then propped himself up on one elbow. “Marry me,” he said.
“What?” I blurted, so shocked I didn’t think I heard him correctly.
“We’re here in Vegas,” he said. “I’m asking you to marry me.”
I gulped. I was so shaken I didn’t know what to say. Marriage was a big step. I had only been divorced for a year. I didn’t want to rush back into another marriage… Did I? I hadn’t even had time to think about it. Plus, we hadn’t even come to any compromise about living in two different cities. How could I be married to someone who lived two hours away?
When I looked at Cody I could see hurt in his eyes. “I guess that’s a no,” he said quietly.
“Cody, I wasn’t expecting you to propose. I haven’t even had time to think about it.”
His jaw tensed and his face became stone. “Not the right answer,” he said.
Without looking at me, he rose from the bed.
“Cody,” I said. “Can we please talk about this?”
He swung back toward me. “What is there to talk about?” he said with a bit of anger in his voice. “You obviously don’t want to marry me. When a man proposes, he doesn’t expect his lover to hesitate. He doesn’t expect to have his proposal rejected.”
I rose and stood next to him. “I did not reject you. I just need time to think about it. You kind of sprung this on me unexpectedly.”
His face looked resolute and his eyes narrowed. “Let me know when you’ve made a decision.”
He turned away from me and grabbed his clothes from the floor. I tried to grab his arm but he pulled away from me. He dressed quickly and was about to leave when he stepped up to me. He put a finger in my face. “Don’t you dare go outside without Mel and Marvin by your side.” Then he turned back around and headed out the door.
I stood there dumfounded. I wasn’t sure if I should go after him. I wasn’t sure if he would be coming back. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see him again. Had I just completely and totally ruined my last chance for happiness?
I sat on the bed and sobbed. After several hours of vacillating between crying and hating myself for hurting Cody, I decided to try and phone him. He didn’t answer his phone and I didn’t leave a message.
I tried to think about it from Cody’s point of view. He had never been married. He didn’t have ex-husband and failed first marriage baggage like I did. I had a nagging suspicion, though, that part of his reason for the quick proposal was insecurity. After seeing Marvin and Larry and all they had to offer in the way of financial security, I think he wanted a way to validate our relationship. He wanted a way to prove that he was worthy of my affection and I completely let him down.
I wish I could have jumped up and screamed “yes” the way girls do in movies when their boyfriends propose but I just couldn’t. I still had too many questions. I knew I wanted to be with Cody. I couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else, but it was so soon to think about marriage. Wasn’t it? I thought about Mel and her willingness to jump right into a marriage with Marvin. Why wasn’t I as willing to accept Cody’s proposal?
***
The next day was Mel’s wedding day. Luckily, they didn’t have the appointment booked until early afternoon, so I had plenty of time to cry and feel sorry for myself. But as it got closer to wedding time, I found myself unable to get up from the bed.
All I could think about was the look on Cody’s face right before he left. All the time I was so worried that Cody would hurt me and I was the one who ended up hurting him. I wondered if I would even be able to repair all of the damage I had done.
It took every ounce of energy I had to get out of the bed and get dressed for the wedding. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw vacant eyes staring back at me. I knew it was going to take every ounce of resolve I’d ever had to get through the day intact.
It was extremely difficult to be happy for Mel and Marvin, especially when all the questions about where Cody went started.
Mel and I were in a small dressing room. I was helping her with her with last minutes touches on her hair and make-up when the grilling really got under way.
“What is going on with you and Cody?” she asked glaring at me. “I want every detail.”
I sighed. “We are not going to talk about my relationship issues on your wedding day. No way.”
Mel glared at me. “Shouldn’t we be doing what I want since it’s my wedding day?”
I shook my head. “You do not want to hear my tales of woe. This is supposed to be a happy occasion.”
Mel grabbed my shoulders. “You’re my best friend. You are like the sister I never had. It’s important to me that you’re happy, too.”
“Fine,” I said. “Cody asked me to marry him and I wasn’t ready to say yes.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Did you say no?”
I shook my head. “I basically said nothing.”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, no,” she said. “That’s bad. Indifference in that situation is like an arrow through the heart.”
“I’m not indifferent,” I insisted. “I’m just not sure.”
“That boy is completely and totally in love with you. And he’s hot. How can you not be sure? Do you love him or not?”
I wondered why she was suddenly pro-Cody. Maybe his display of bravery swayed her a bit. “I do love him, but it’s more complicated than that.”
“Why?”
I didn’t know how to respond to the question.
“It sounds to me like you’re making it more complicated.”
“I am not,” I blurted, even though she might have been right.
“Are you sure you’re not afraid of getting hurt again?”
She was right. I sighed. “I hope I didn’t completely mess things up. He was pretty mad when he left.”
“You need to go to him and tell him that you love him.”
I nodded. She was right. I just needed to figure out how and when I’d do it.
Eleven
As I watched Mel and Marvin exchange vows, and saw the joy and passion the two felt for each other, I couldn’t stop thinking about Cody. I remembered all of the love between us. All the happiness he brought to my life. How special he made me feel. I realized in that moment, that I did want to marry Cody. I wanted to be his wife more than I may have wanted anything else. I wanted to spend my life with the man I had so quickly and passionately grown to love.
When I got back to Phoenix, I had one mission. I needed to see Cody and tell him how I felt. I needed to tell him that I wanted to marry him.
Lizzie agreed to watch Pugsy for me if I paid her fifty dollars a day. Since I was only going a few days, I felt okay about giving her the extra money. It was funny that her moral objections to my younger boyfriend lessened in proportion to the amount of cash I was willing to put on the table.
The two-hour drive seemed to take ten hours. I was so anxious to see Cody. I knew I had to do whatever it took to get him back. I didn’t know how I could ever have any happiness without him. I just hoped that I hadn’t broken our relationship to the point that it couldn’t be fixed… No. It had to be fixed. There were no other options.
When I got to Cody’s place, I started to get a bit queasy. He wouldn’t answer any of my calls and never called me back. What if he didn’t want me anymore? What if I hurt him too badly? What if I really couldn’t put the broken pieces of our relationship back together again? I could feel beads of perspiration pouring down my face. Nice. I was going to beg him to take me back looking like a sweaty mess.
I gathered my courage and knocked. When Cody opened the door, he seemed genuinely surprised to see me. Then the look of surprise was replaced with anger.
“What are you doing here?” he asked flatly.
I froze. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wanted him to take me into his arms and hold me tightly. I wanted to forget everything in Las Vegas had ever happened. I wanted him to love me again. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” was all I could manage to say.
That’s when he stepped back to let me into his house.
The place took my breath away. It wasn’t big but it had a very high ceiling. It was packed floor to wall with artwork. He wasn’t lying when he said it was a mess. Other than the small kitchen and dinette, I couldn’t tell the place was actually lived in. It was more like an art studio with supplies and artwork in various stages of development.
When I looked back at Cody, I noticed he had his arms crossed over his chest. His face was an unreadable mask. He just looked at me and waited. The tension between us and the uncomfortable silence was unbearable.
“I think I made a mistake,” I said finally.
He continued to stare at me with a stone expression on his face.
I took a deep breath then said, “I want to marry you.”
I could see a slight glimmer return to his dark eyes. Was it hopefulness?
There was another moment of silence before he spoke. “I hope you’re not just saying that because you miss my hot body.” I could see a wicked little grin forming in the corners of his mouth.
I reduced the space between us and placed my hands on his chest, over his heart. “As much as I love your hot body, I want what’s in here, too.”
He looked at me with a more serious expression. “You know getting married will require us to make some tough decisions.”
I nodded.
“And we’ll both probably have to make some sacrifices to be together.”
I nodded again.
“And you know I’ll probably never be wealthy, like Marvin and Larry. You’re okay with that?”
“I want you, Cody. I realized there’s nothing I want more than to be with you.”
He bent down and kissed me. As his kisses deepened and became more demanding, he grabbed by butt and lifted me onto his hips. He carried me into his small bedroom and placed me on his bed.
The bedroom was packed with just a double bed and dresser filling most of the space. I noticed the mirror on his dresser was covered with photos he had taken of me on the Jeep tour. It melted my heart.
As Cody hovered over me, I could see the depth of desire in his eyes. His lips pressed to mine, hard and insatiable. His tongue was ravenous as he pushed it into my mouth. I was so overcome with his desire for me, it was difficult to breath.
“I want to make you mine again,” he said.
“Yes,” I said breathlessly.
He ripped his shirt off and quickly removed his pants and boxers. His eyes were filled with hunger for me.
He lifted me far enough from the bed to remove my shirt then tore my bra off and threw it with his clothes. When his mouth took in my breast, I could feel heat radiate through my entire body.
“Cody,” I whispered. “I want you.”
He quickly removed my pants and undies in one swift movement. When he moved his fingers between my legs, he moaned. “You’re so wet for me.”
He leaned over to his night stand and grabbed a package. He ripped it open, removed the condom and quickly put it on. He thrust himself into me with was such force, I gasped with pleasure.
His lovemaking was so deep and forceful, it didn’t take long for the two of us to reach climax. I was overwhelmed with intensity of the bond between us.
After he cleaned up, he joined me in the bed. We looked into each other’s eyes for a long time. “I don’t ever want to lose you again,” he said with a bit of sadness to his tone.
“You’re not going to lose me,” I said softly as I caressed his cheek with my hand.
“There are things you don’t know about me.” I sensed some urgency in his voice.
“Whatever it is, I’m sure we can work it out.” I couldn’t imagine what could be so bad that it would tear us apart.
“Promise me,” he said. “Whatever you find out about my past. Promise me that you won’t leave me.”
The gravity of his tone and demeanor sent a chill down my spine. What could he have possibly done that was so awful that he was afraid I might no longer love him? Why was he so afraid of losing me? What secrets was he hiding from me?
I decided I didn’t care. The man I knew, the man I had fallen in love with, was not capable of doing something so terrible that it could break us apart.
“I will always love you,” I said. “No matter what.”
That seemed to satisfy him because he exhaled the breath he had been holding then gave me a soft kiss. “Are you hungry?”
I smiled. “Starving.”
He handed me one of his button down shirts to put on. “Wear this,” he said. “You’ll look sexy in it.”
I complied and slipped his shirt on. I gathered the rest of my clothes off the floor and carried them into the living and dining area. Cody followed. I placed my clothes next to my purse on the kitchen counter.
The main part of the ho
use was an open plan with the living room, dining area and kitchen all in one. Every other inch of the place was filled with art supplies and art work in various stages of completion.
“I warned you,” he said. “The place is a mess.”
“Your place is more like an artist studio and art gallery than an actual home.”
He looked concerned. “Is that good or bad?”
I shrugged. “Neither. Both. You’re an artist. It’s what you do. It’s who you are.”
I looked over the array of completed artwork. Some of the pieces were spectacular.
I noticed a lovely bronze statue of a beautiful woman in a long gown. She was exquisite. “May I take a closer look at that piece?” I asked.
The muscles in this neck seemed to tense a bit. He gulped. I wondered why he was so hesitant for me to view the work. Then he finally gave the okay with a quick nod.
I stepped over to the piece and examined it. It was magnificent. The man was talented. No doubt about that. When I looked at the title plate, I nearly fainted.
Beautiful Jenny
Surely, he’d known someone named Jenny before me, I rationalized, until I saw the work was dated this year. It couldn’t be a coincidence.
“Is this me?” I said more to myself than an actual question because I knew in my heart it was.
Cody stepped in front of me and gently placed his hands on my face. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever been with,” he said. “And I’m totally crazy about you.”
I could feel a lone teardrop fall down my cheek. Cody quickly wiped it from my face with his thumb and lightly kissed the spot where the teardrop had fallen.
Then he softly kissed me on the lips.
“Thank you,” I said.
“For what?”
I pointed to the statue. I still couldn’t believe he had made such a lovely piece of artwork out of me. I certainly didn’t see myself in the same way he saw me.
As I looked at the piece again, I noticed the artist nameplate and the air was nearly sucked out of my lungs.
“Why does this say the artist’s name is Cheyenne Robison?” I asked in a near panic.
That was a name I would never, could never, forget. It was a name that had haunted me nearly every day for the last fifteen years.
Still Fine at Forty Page 13