by M. O. Kenyan
“But you haven’t looked at the program yet. You don’t know where you are going or for how long.”
“Do you want me to pretend I care where and when you’ll send me? I can’t do that. It could be for eternity in a hell hole.” He tossed a glance over his shoulder. “As long as I’m away from here, I don’t give a damn.” What he failed to say was that his heart was breaking every second he shared the same air as Katherine. His rage rocked through him like an infuriated cobra, when he saw Lyle and knew he couldn’t beat the crap out of him. He needed to leave. AJ marched off in fury.
* * * *
AJ knew. Katherine could feel it in her gut. Sure, he had made her breakfast, given her a ride to work and hadn’t once brought up Lyle. It was the unusual silence blanketing them that told her he knew. The glances he directed her way tore through her. They were filled with hurt and questions. Questions she didn’t think she could answer herself.
“We need to talk,” Katherine told Lyle as she waved off his hands from her hair once again.
“Sure, my pet,” he drawled.
“Don’t call me that. We can talk after work.”
“We’ll go out for drinks.”
“No.” But then, Katherine didn’t think hashing it out in the hospital was a good idea. Maybe talking somewhere else, somewhere AJ couldn’t see them was better. Later on that evening she was determined to confess to AJ. “Fine.”
Katherine turned around just in time to see AJ’s retreating back. His spine was stiff, his shoulders rigid as he stormed through a herd of nurses who had gathered around him. She could tell he was angry—he didn’t stop to flash a smile at his fan base.
Katherine twiddled her thumbs on her lap. Every few seconds she looked up at Lyle, feeling his gaze burrowing a hole in the side of her scalp. Looking up was instinctive. She hated how he smiled at her, like she was a prize possession he had won in a bet. The smirk curling at the corners of his lips unnerved her.
So whenever his hand reached for hers, she found a way to busy them. She either shoved them in her hair or rummaged through her purse for a non-existent object. She was regretting her latest decision. It seemed as if, when she had woken up that week, life had presented one bad decision after the other for her to make.
Katherine looked up at Lyle again. She met his smile with a weary one of her own. Nothing about him inspired passion. The set of his nose and jaw were all wrong. His shoulders didn’t seem to be the right breadth, his arms not thick enough, his pearly white skin not dark enough and his hair too blonde and too straight. Not to mention those baby blues were the wrong shade. She wasn’t staring at a roaring sunset when she looked into them, they were just, blue.
“Where are we going?” She finally broke through the blanket of silence that had enveloped them.
“There is a nice bistro down the road. I used to go there when I was in Varsity. They have the best burgers and fries in New York.”
She met his enthusiastic smile with a frown. Great—like she wanted to pack on a few pounds. She needed her body to be perfect for AJ, if he took her back. She groaned as she leaned her head back on the head rest. The daunting fear that AJ wouldn’t ever touch her again squeezed at her heart. Before her indiscretion with Lyle, her biggest fear had been that AJ wouldn’t ever grow to love her. Now her biggest fear was she wouldn’t be able to make it into his bed ever. She swallowed the ball of nerves which had gathered in her throat. She didn’t know her distressed sound had been so loud until Lyle turned a questioning glance at her.
“Is everything all right?”
No you idiot. My sex life will never be the same again. Now I’m stuck with the likes of you. Always trying, but never getting there. That was what she wanted to say, but instead she said, “I’m just hungry.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll feed you soon, my pet.”
And left to his devices she didn’t put it past Lyle to feed her to the point of explosion. She flashed him a grin, then looked away and rolled her eyes.
Katherine first heard the noise, then saw the lights before Lyle drove into the parking lot of what looked like a busy bar. A monster truck caught her eye as they drove in. She could swear she had seen it before, but she couldn’t place a face to the black beast. She let Lyle help her out of his SUV. She even let him hold her hand as they made it through the throngs of people gathered around the bar and the pool table. She began to hesitate when Lyle led them toward the back. It was dark and the only people around were those clawing at each other’s clothes. This must have been the make out spot. She started to stop, but a shove from behind, drove her into Lyle’s waiting arms. She let herself get dragged into the booth, and sandwiched between the wall and Lyle’s leering body.
Katherine watched as Lyle looked around the secluded areas. A sly grin on his lips, he turned to her and said. “Look at all these horny kids. Maybe we should show them how grownups do it.”
Katherine saw Lyle’s face lower toward her. And of its own volition, her hand stuck out and pushed Lyle’s puckered lips away. And just as Katherine was turning her head away, her eyes caught sight of a brown leather jacket she remembered snuggling into—wide shoulders that looked so stiff, but so gentle to the touch—and a storm brewing in those sunset brown eyes she loved so much. AJ stood in the middle of the busy bar, his murderous gaze settled on her.
“Oh look—it’s Ross. Maybe we should give him a show.” Lyle sneered.
Katherine used both her hands to push him back. She tried to climb over the table but Lyle had his hold on her. Besides, AJ was already gone. But someone else was there, the owner of the monster truck. “Reno, help, please.”
He didn’t need to be asked twice. Reno crossed the room in three giant steps. He stood behind Lyle and picked him up from the booth. It was a case of David versus Goliath, but this time Goliath was winning. No matter how much Lyle pushed and punched, Reno didn’t seem fazed by his attempts. He tossed Lyle to a corner of the room and held his hand out for Katherine.
Once they were out of the bar and inside the comforting warmth of his truck, Katherine turned toward him. “Thank—” the words stuck in her throat. The anger that boiled in Reno’s glare silenced her. She sat in silence as Reno pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main road. She hadn’t told him where to take her, but since he and AJ were so close, she suspected he knew to take her to his place.
“I feel like I should apologize,” she started and when he made no effort to join in the conversation she went on. “I don’t know what happened with Lyle. One minute he was telling me about Rose and AJ, and the next—” And the next what?
She couldn’t finish that statement. She knew she was a chore for Reno already. She expected him to stop his car and toss her out. But then a thought came to her. “Why hasn’t AJ kicked me out yet?”
“Why should he?” The anger in his deep baritone filled the air.
“I know he knows what we did. He must want an explanation. But I don’t understand what happened either. It’s my fault anyway. I’m the one who suggested we be roommates with benefits. Of course he would want to screw Rose the first chance he got. Why is he mad at me anyway? It’s not as if we were exclusive.”
“Why are you mad at yourself?” Reno asked.
“That is such an absurd question,” she shot back. But then it did make sense. AJ hadn’t shown any sign of anger toward her. He had just pulled back. He no longer made advances toward her, he didn’t talk to her, and he didn’t even give her that earth-shattering smile she lived for anymore. “He’s never going to kiss me again, never going to touch me. We are never going to make love again, are we?”
Reno didn’t answer her. He kept his eyes fixed on the road.
“I’m angry because I know I hurt him. I can feel it in my heart because I’m hurting too. I loved that he was the only man who knew every inch of me, knew the look in my eye or how I sound when I climax.”
“I don’t need to know all that,” he cut in.
“You don’t get it
. He knows all my little quirks. I have only been living with him for three weeks and I feel like he knows me better than I know myself.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“But I ruined it. I was going to be the wife who has only slept with her husband because he was the one I was saving myself for.” Reno snorted a laugh. “He told you how we met didn’t he?”
“Yep.”
Katherine leaned in closer to Reno. This was her chance to get a little bit of information about AJ—something that she could use to bring him back to her. “What else did he say about me?”
Reno shot her a look of animosity and Katherine shrunk back into her corner. “Trust is a big issue with AJ. I’m not going to tell you what he confided in me.”
“I understand.” She whimpered as she chewed on her bottom lip.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t give you some insight.” He smiled at her. The anger completely disappeared from his eyes. How did Lisette stay with him without getting whiplash from his constant change of moods?
“I’ll appreciate any information you can give me.”
“Be honest with him.”
Like an eager student Katherine leaned forward to hear the rest. But after a couple of silence-filled seconds she realized she wasn’t getting any more. “That’s it?”
“AJ is a lot like you. Strong on the outside, but fragile on the inside. He never got into a serious relationship because he’s looking for a girl who is just like his mothers.”
She threw her hands up in defeat. “Then we don’t have a chance. I don’t know anything about his birth mother. But no one can be as perfect as Rosalinda. The woman is a saint.”
Reno’s amused chuckle frustrated her even further. “You don’t need to be Rosalinda. You just need to be honest with him. Treat his heart with the same care he’ll treat yours.”
“But I don’t know how he feels about me.”
“You still live in his apartment, rent free, I might add. You get to drive his car, don’t you? Lisette and Catalella aren’t allowed anywhere near it, and those girls mean the world to him. In fact the only two people who have driven it are you and AJ. He’s trusted you with his stuff.”
“And I betrayed him.” Katherine didn’t bother wiping away the fat tear rolling down her cheek.
“You had a minor setback. Now, do away with the roommates with benefits crap, and start all over again. Give each other time, and if it’s meant to be—you’ll be together.”
“We had a sexual relationship first. He won’t touch me that way anymore.”
“If AJ won’t even have pity sex with you, it means you have a long way to go, Katherine. Now get out of my car, my girl is waiting for me at home.”
Katherine looked around and noticed that they were in front of her apartment building. How long had they been there? “Do you think we’ll be all right?”
Reno just shrugged his shoulders. “By the way, he never slept with Rose. He hasn’t been with anyone after he met you.” He pulled away and Katherine found herself alone in the cold air, her fear of facing AJ making her shiver. She was an idiot.
Chapter Twelve
AJ had been pacing in his room. He had discarded the clothes he’d worn earlier on and was just left with his black flannel pants. He was waiting for Katherine. He wasn’t going to allow her to make a fool out of him any longer. She had to decide, she was either going to be with him or Lyle. He heard the front door open and for a second he thought about confronting her in the living room.
But he stopped, his fingers inches away from his doorknob. If he went to her feeling emotional, letting her see how hard she had crushed him, it would only leave him vulnerable to her. He didn’t know whether or not that was a good or bad thing.
Instead AJ leaned on the door and listened as she went about the living room, and made her way into her bedroom. When he heard her door click shut, he walked toward his balcony. He stood, basking in the warmth of the moon, forcing his mind to shut down.
AJ had barely relinquished all thoughts of Katherine when he heard his door open. He heard the hesitant steps, the labored breathing and a sniffle. He groaned inside. She was crying again. How was he supposed to keep his cool façade in the face of her tears? He refused to turned around and meet her fragile state. He forced himself to remain a statue, the moon locking his gaze, keeping him from turning to her.
“AJ.” Her feeble voice called.
AJ could feel his stone heart chipping, bit by bit. He didn’t answer. Instead he inhaled the night air. His eyes closed as his hands trembled at his sides, itching to hold her.
“AJ, please, I’m sorry.”
He still didn’t answer.
“AJ, make love to me.”
That had his whole body responding. He turned toward her, but didn’t trust himself to move. She was dressed in his flannel shirt. It draped over her like a robe, stopping inches beneath her knees. It seemed to swallow her, and that’s just how he wanted to posses her. He itched to have her creamy short legs wrap themselves around his waist. His heart beat thunderously in his chest, as his cock throbbed with need. He took a step forward but then retreated. How could he? Touching her would only bring him an enormous amount of pain.
“Make love to me.”
“How?” The question was asked in earnest.
“What do you mean?” Katherine took a step toward him, but he held up his hand to her, stopping her.
“I was so proud of you, of us, knowing that I was the only man who had ever touched you. I was the only man who had kissed you, and filled you with so much passion that you gave yourself to me.” AJ didn’t expect the rage that filled him just then. It was like a blur. One second he was trying to stay away from her and the next, he had crushed her body to his. “I was the only man who had ever been inside you, the only one who had watched you climax over and over again. Those sighs of satisfaction were mine; the moans filled with lust belonged to me. How am I supposed to make love to you when you let another man touch what was mine.”
His fist knocked his head a couple of times. “The image of him on top of you is ingrained in here. How am I supposed to make love to you knowing that you fucked him just last night?”
“You saw—”
“Rose made sure of it.” AJ released her and she fell back on the bed, her eyes fixed on a spot in the carpet. He knew that she couldn’t look at him. He suspected Katherine knew he knew about her and Lyle. But she didn’t think that he had seen it. “I can’t touch you again, not like that. I can’t. I just….”
“I disgust you,” Katherine mumbled.
AJ dropped to his knees in front of her. “Never. You could never disgust me. But I just can’t be with you that way, not after Lyle—”
“Defiled me.” He saw the rage brewing behind the gray waves in her eyes. “I touched you, knowing that you had screwed half of New York.”
AJ stood up and retreated into a corner. She would never, could never understand how he felt. “I’m not strong enough, Katherine.”
“Strong enough for what? All I wanted you to do— If you had—”
“If I had loved you, you wouldn’t have slept with Lyle?” AJ asked. “I was beginning to fall in love with you.”
“But now you can’t.”
“I don’t think it would hurt this much if I didn’t have feelings for you. But you wanted to be ‘roommates with benefits’.”
“I don’t want that anymore. I want to be with you. We can start over. Just you and me, exclusive. No Rose, no Lyle.” She sounded so hopeful, but AJ knew hope was a crippling emotion and so was love.
“You still have to work with Lyle. Could you handle that?”
“Yes, I’m willing to try. I want us to work out.”
AJ had never been in this position before. But he had to concede one fact, she risked being with him even after knowing what sort of a Lothario he was. They weren’t exclusive at the time of her indiscretion with Lyle. Maybe he could forgive her, but he could never forget. Would tha
t ruin it for them?
“I think you should move out.” She started to speak but he cut her off. “We should date like normal couples. If we live together, I don’t think it could work out. We need our space, and I can’t keep seeing you walking around in nothing but my shirts.” He afforded her a smile as a peace offering.
“We won’t make love?”
“Not yet.”
“Will we kiss at least?”
“Of course.”
“You’ll hold my hand?”
“Yes.” AJ stepped forward and took her hand in his. “We can do all the things that crazy teenagers do. But we won’t be intimate just yet.”
Katherine sighed and looked out his balcony doors. “I never realized you had a balcony.”
“Well, when you were here I had you busy with something else.” He grinned, as he lightly stroked her cheek.
When they got back to the hospital they both made an effort to behave like a normal couple. They had lunch dates at the cafeteria in between surgery and trauma. They saved the stolen kisses for abandoned hospital corners, but they never risked going into an on-call room alone. Every time they kissed, held hands and exchanged longing gazes, it was a promise of more, of something better and greater. But while he had his desires and emotions under control, Katherine’s spilled out of her. She was like a teenager at school around her first crush. AJ never knew Katherine could be so clumsy. She couldn’t seem to stop falling over herself, and crashing into people and walls as she paced backward away from him. He twirled his finger, instructing her to turn around and walk with her eyes forward. That way, he hoped she would bump into less people. He chuckled as her cheeks slowly blushed.
Maybe, somehow, he would be able to forget that image of Katherine and Lyle and replace it with the rosy blush that lit up his face. He chuckled once more when she bumped into an orderly. Cupping his hands around his mouth, he said. “Turn around.”