by Rob Loveless
Despite this, Cal was still excited while preparing for their date. He pulled up to Andrew’s apartment and waited impatiently as his heart thudded. Cal gazed out through his windshield and stared at the courtyard adjacent to the row of brick-clad apartments. Several skinny trees were barren and their now dead leaves had littered the pale grass. The drab scenery was so different compared to the last time Cal had been there in mid-October.
Once Andrew stepped out of his apartment and got into Cal’s car, they drove to the restaurant. As they conversed over dinner, Cal was amazed by how it was always so easy for them to pick up where they’d left off. He wondered if only he was upset by their periods of silence, or if Andrew was also pretending that he was not bothered by their estrangement.
After dinner, the two went back to Cal’s apartment, and as before, they were soon locked in a passionate embrace on the bed. Andrew’s touch was intoxicating, and Cal was addicted. He knew Andrew’s kiss would leave him with false hope and heartache, but he couldn’t deny it. Cal needed his fix, and in those moments with Andrew, the temporary pleasure compensated for the pain that always lingered after their dates.
Andrew slipped Cal out of his shirt and then lay him on his back. He settled himself next to him before running his hand through Cal’s chest hair. His hand lingered there for a moment before it slid tantalizingly down Cal’s torso and rested on his waist. Without hesitation, Andrew slid his hand into Cal’s pants and began caressing him.
“Is this okay?” he whispered.
“Yeah,” Cal breathed before he helped Andrew out of his shirt.
Andrew kissed his neck for a moment before he began stroking Cal’s erection. Cal curled his toes as he groaned in pleasure and then reached for Andrew.
This was all new to Cal. He had never been touched like this, nor had he ever touched someone back to that extent. Though pleasurable, it was a foreign experience that was somewhat uncomfortable to Cal for fear of not performing to Andrew’s expectations. Still, Cal grasped his crush’s bulge and ran his hand up and down his shaft.
The two lovers lay shirtless on their backs, side by side, and synchronized their hand movements, working to get each other off. In what seemed like no time at all, Andrew came. The warm ejaculate dribbled out onto his hand as the sticky fluid spurted from Andrew’s erection, which coated his smooth chest and stomach. Andrew took in a deep breath and sighed in relaxation before turning his attention back to Cal’s groin.
Andrew continued attempting to get Cal off, while he willed himself to climax. The stimulating touch of Andrew’s hand was arousing and yet Cal struggled to achieve an orgasm since there was too much on his mind. What was going to happen tomorrow between him and Andrew? Would Andrew be waking up next to him? Would he be Cal’s boyfriend after this? Would he and Andrew slip back into a period of familiar silence? What was going to happen next month when Cal graduates?
These worries prevented him from enjoying the moment, and his erection soon began to go soft.
“Damn, dude, are you getting close?” Andrew wondered. “My arm is starting to get sore.”
Several unsuccessful minutes passed before Andrew relinquished his grip on Cal’s flaccid penis. Cal was embarrassed by the fact that he was unable to come and concerned about what would happen after that night, but he kept these troubles to himself as he cuddled and kissed Andrew briefly.
After a short time, Andrew rolled off the bed and walked over to the kitchen so he could grab some paper towels to wipe the dried ejaculate off his stomach. Once he had cleaned himself off, he asked Cal to take him home, claiming he had to attend a twenty-first birthday party that night and Cal obliged.
He returned to his apartment after dropping Andrew off at only nine thirty, feeling lonely and dejected. What happened between them that night was no light matter—at least not to Cal. However, Andrew had been so nonchalant about the situation and then left to go to a party. Why would he have agreed to a date if he was going to leave early? Did Andrew possess any deeper feelings for Cal, or was he merely a convenience?
Regardless, Cal held his head high and kept his spirits lifted. He and Andrew continued to converse for several days afterward, leading him to believe they still had a chance. However, Andrew soon began to back off until any communication the two had petered out, leaving Cal vulnerable and upset.
When he went home for Thanksgiving break, he ached from faking a pleasant demeanor around his family. Cal hadn’t told them about Andrew, nor would he ever. What was the point? It’s not as if they were going to be together. Despite his heartbreak, Cal lied to himself and his family and recited a rehearsed line—that he was excited to uproot from the foundation he had built in college and start over in isolation for a job.
Chapter Ten
“Ow, ow. Look at you, stud,” Sophie teased as Cal got into her car. The two had made plans to go out to the mall that afternoon to complete their Christmas shopping. “It’s only been a week since I’ve seen you, and already you have whiskers—and a new haircut.”
“Ha ha, yeah. What do you think?” Cal asked while he fastened his seat belt.
“I like it a lot,” she complimented as she pulled out of the parking lot and drove toward the mall.
“Thanks.”
“For real, you look hot.”
“That’s good, ’cause I feel like shit,” he admitted.
“Why?” Sophie questioned.
“Well, I hung out with Jacob earlier this week.”
“Good, I’m glad you went out with him again. How did it go?”
“Fine. Actually, it went pretty well—at first,” Cal said. “We went to the movies and…it was nice. We held hands, and I was comfortable with him. And happy. I think I was starting to like him.”
“That’s great,” she exclaimed. “So, why are you feeling shitty?”
“Like I said, I was starting to like him, and he invited me over to his place for a drink. And then we…”
“Then you what?” Sophie prodded, detecting Cal’s hesitation.
“Um—”
“Come on, Cal. We’ve known each other forever. There’s not much you can say that’ll phase me.”
“Okay. We kinda hooked up.”
“Like hooked up or hooked up?”
“He gave me a blowjob.”
“How was it?”
“It was…okay,” Cal replied.
“What’s the problem? Did he use too much teeth or something?” Sophie wondered, unsure of what Cal’s issue was.
“No, it’s nothing Jacob did,” he clarified. “I started thinking about Andrew toward the end of it. And afterward, I felt dirty almost. Like I was screwing over Jacob by letting him blow me when I wasn’t even that into it.”
Sophie remained silent and stared ahead at the road, but Cal saw her bite her lip.
“What?” he questioned.
“Please don’t get mad at me for saying this, but this is what you do?”
“Do you think I’m some kind of man whore? I’ve only been with—”
“No, I don’t think that at all. I know you rarely hook up. What I’m saying is, every time you’ve dated a guy in the past that you could’ve actually liked, you get cold feet. If it starts feeling serious, you find some reason not to like him.”
“I know,” Cal admitted. “But I’m not sure why I do that.”
“That’s not true. We both know why you do that.”
“Because of Andrew,” he muttered.
“Because of Andrew,” Sophie repeated. “I think you might be scared to let yourself like someone more than him. It almost seems like you’re scared of commitment and abandonment.”
“I’m not scared of commitment. I’m scared of committing myself to the wrong person…again,” Cal reasoned. “And it’s not that I’m scared of liking someone more than Andrew. I’m over him. I just get scared that I won’t do better than him.”
“I’ve seen pictures of him online; you’ve dated guys better than him.”
“
They seem better than him on paper, but nothing ever feels right. I never get that feeling I had with him,” Cal sighed. “And then I get scared that I’m gonna wake up one day, married to some guy. We’ll have a great house and amazing careers and a family…”
“That sounds nice,” Sophie commented.
“It does,” he agreed. “Except I won’t be happy; not completely anyway. Yeah, I’ll think it seems like a great life, and sure, I’ll get along with my husband, but I’m scared I won’t fully love him. It’s like there’s some part of me that’s still invested in Andrew, and I’ll always wonder what would’ve happened if I didn’t take that stupid job.”
“Hey, listen to me. You’ve got to let go of the past. You can’t wonder what could’ve happened; focus on what did happen,” she urged. “Yes, you left, but he could’ve had four months with you before you moved. He could’ve said something to you before you left. But he didn’t.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to be mean, but you’ve got to look at what he did to you. And, yeah, you had some struggles when you moved, but look at everything you did for yourself since then. You don’t need him. And honestly, even if you did stay, he probably would’ve screwed you over, and then you might’ve been kicking yourself in the ass about not taking that job.”
“I know. I know. And I’m over him and coming to peace with the past…or at least I was. Then he showed up at my parents’ door with my sister,” Cal muttered. “It’s like whenever I feel like I’ve moved on from that situation, something happens that pulls me back in.”
“I really hate him,” Sophie said.
“I do too. But I still want him.”
“Is that what all this is about?” she inquired as she gestured toward Cal. “The new haircut and clothes? Is all this to show up Andrew?”
Cal remained silent in his seat and gazed out the window.
“I know I said you should make him regret the past, but be careful, okay?” Sophie warned. “I get that you want to impress him and be your best, but you need to take care of yourself. You still have feelings for him, for whatever reason, and I don’t want to see you get hurt again. Promise me you’ll be careful.”
“Sophie, I’m twenty-five years old—”
“Yes, I know you are. And I know it’s been a few years, but that doesn’t make Andrew any less of a fuckboy. So promise me.”
“Fine, I promise,” Cal said as he rolled his eyes.
“Good,” Sophie replied. The two remained quiet as Sophie pulled into the bustling parking lot at the mall. As the car came to a stop, she broke the silence. “By the way, if your offer still stands, I’d love to join you and your family for Christmas.”
“Of course it still stands. I’ll let my mom know.”
“Okay, good,” Sophie said as they got out of the car and headed toward the mall. “So, are you gonna see Jacob again?”
“I don’t know,” Cal sighed. “He texted me this morning, but I haven’t answered yet.”
“Well, I think you should go out with him again, but don’t hook up like that again,” she instructed. “You seemed to have had feelings for him the other night. I think you just need to get to know him a little better.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
The two friends spent several hours in the crowded mall to finalize their Christmas shopping. By the end of the day, they were exhausted but relieved to have purchased a gift for everyone on their lists. Cal, who was now on a strict budget after buying his new car, was pleased he had not spent more than the amount of money he had allotted for gifts.
He and Sophie were famished by the time they left the mall, and decided to stop at a sushi restaurant for dinner. Cal arrived home just after seven, though it seemed much later due to the early evening darkness that seemed to fall sooner and sooner each night. Exhausted from his day out with Sophie, Cal changed into his pajamas and then began packing in preparation for his weeklong Christmas “vacation” with his family and Andrew.
God, help me get through this week, he thought as he folded a dress shirt and placed it in his suitcase. When his phone buzzed in his pocket, he pulled it out and found a welcome distraction—Jacob was calling.
“Hello?” Cal answered as he walked to the closet to retrieve a black vest.
“Hey, I’m surprised you picked up,” Jacob said lightly.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. The past couple days have been pretty busy for me.”
“No worries. You seemed kind of quiet after Tuesday night. I wanted to make sure I didn’t scare you off.”
“No, not at all,” Cal lied.
“Okay, good,” he replied. “I know I texted you this already, but I just wanted to say I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable on Tuesday.”
“No, I was fine with everything. I mean, I usually don’t go that far on a second date, so I don’t want you to think I’m looking for a hookup.”
“Good, and I don’t want you to think I’m looking for a hookup either. I’m relationship oriented.”
“Okay, cool,” Cal said before an awkward pause settled over them.
“Well, while I have you here, would you want to hang out tomorrow night?” Jacob asked.
“I can’t tomorrow night because I’ll be heading over to my parents’ at six.”
“Oh, okay.” Cal felt a tinge of guilt hearing the disappointment in Jacob’s voice.
“But I’ll be free all day besides that,” he offered. “I’m not sure what your schedule is like for tomorrow.”
“Things have been pretty quiet at work, so I think I should be able to get away with a long lunch,” Jacob replied.
“Great.”
“There’s a really great Mediterranean place right around the corner from my office. How about we meet there at twelve thirty?”
“Sounds good.”
“All right, cool. I’ll text you the address. Have a good night, handsome.”
“Thanks, you too,” Cal said. As he hung up, he was surprised to find a smile on his face, but he welcomed it. While he remained unsure about Jacob, he definitely made Cal feel good. He probably did like Jacob so he needed to make sure he wouldn’t let Andrew get in his head and ruin this for him.
The next morning, Cal woke at his regular time and started his day with a workout. Afterward, he finished packing up a few last minute items and then showered. Shortly before noon, Cal left his apartment and drove over to the restaurant where he was supposed to meet Jacob. When he walked inside, Cal scanned the restaurant. He found Jacob seated at a booth nearby, which caused excited butterflies to form in his stomach.
See, you do like him, he assured himself as he walked over to Jacob. The two men smiled and gave each other a friendly hug before they sat and eyed their menus.
They spent their lunch conversing about various topics, including what Jacob had been doing at work over the past week. They discussed their individual holiday plans as well, and Cal informed Jacob he was going to be spending the week with his family. The food was delicious and the conversation was good, but soon Cal’s thoughts drifted to his week ahead with Andrew, which he both dreaded and looked forward to. He tried not to let these thoughts preoccupy his mind and put on a poker face, but Jacob seemed to notice.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“What?” Cal replied as he processed Jacob’s question that had caught him off guard. “Oh, yeah. I’m fine.”
“You’re a bad liar,” Jacob said with a lighthearted chuckle.
“No really, I’m okay,” he said, though his flushed face said otherwise. He didn’t want to bring up his dating history while he was hanging out with Jacob.
“If it’s something you want to talk about, you can tell me.” Cal peered into Jacob’s gentle, light-blue eyes, and something about them made him feel so comfortable.
“Okay,” Cal replied. “Well, you know how I said that my family is having Christmas at my parents’ house?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, my sister is bringing her boyf
riend…and her boyfriend is my ex.”
“Um, okay. What—?”
“Andrew—my ex…well, my sister’s boyfriend—I never told my family about him.”
“Um, was it…serious?” Jacob asked, careful not to be too intrusive. “Sorry, I hope you don’t mind me asking that.”
“It’s fine. And in hindsight, it wasn’t serious, but it felt serious to me. He screwed me over, so seeing him again is obviously a little…unsettling.”
“Well,” Jacob began after a brief pause, “he’s an idiot for letting you get away.”
Cal laughed.
“I mean it, he’s an idiot. But I’m sure that still doesn’t make it any easier for you.”
“It certainly doesn’t,” Cal confirmed.
“Well, if you need to escape from the chaos at your parents’ house or just need to vent, feel free to let me know,” he offered with a soothing smile.
“Thank you.”
Cal and Jacob eased off the topic of Andrew and resumed conversing over lunch. When they both finished their meals, Cal paid for them and the two men left the restaurant together. Jacob walked Cal to his car and—after checking to make sure they were out of sight—kissed him. His gentle lips communicated a sense of comfort, and for a moment Cal felt safe while the holiday stressors seemed to dissipate. Feeling his guard lower, Cal grasped Jacob’s coat lapels, and their kiss deepened. His date reciprocated by wrapping his arms around Cal’s slender waist when a nearby car horn reminded them that the two were in public. They broke apart abruptly, and Jacob gave him a final tender peck before they parted ways.
Cal drove home feeling a bit giddy, with his heart beating in his chest. He definitely had a connection with Jacob and wanted to see where it could lead. He reminded himself to hold onto that feeling, to get him through the upcoming holiday.