“You do know. Your heart knows. Let this part of you live, Ellie. You need to do this.” Then he pulled away and slapped the car door one time. “I’ll see you Thursday, if not before.” He stepped back, but his gaze never wavered.
She studied his eyes, searched them and wondered. And thought about never coming back. When the despair of that idea closed in and made her feel like the desert had invaded her soul, she nodded once. “Thursday.”
He was still watching her, bare chest, golden hair and all, when she pulled away. She watched him in her rear-view mirror until she could see him no more.
Chapter Six
‡
“Maria Luisa, your dinner has been waiting. Carlito already ate.”
Luisa set down her briefcase and raised weary eyes to her mother’s frowning face. “I’m not hungry, Mama.”
“Nonsense. Sit down. You must eat. You don’t eat enough to keep a bird alive.”
“Mama, I’m—” A grown woman, she started to say. But her mother was right. She was too tired, but she needed fuel. She still had work in her briefcase. “All right,” she conceded. Then she made an effort to smile. “It smells good, Mama.” Leaning over, she kissed her mother’s cheek.
Consuela merely grunted and gestured toward the table. “Sit down before you fall down.” She carried a bowl of thick, hot soup and set it before Luisa. “Why must you work so hard? What are you trying to prove?”
Luisa closed her eyes and counted to ten. “I’m not trying to prove anything, Mama. I’m trying to keep a roof over our heads.”
“Phffpt, do not try that with me, young lady.” Consuela waved a spoon in her direction. “You explained the tenure provision. Your job is safe. Now explain to me what you are trying to prove that you are not home when your son needs you.”
Luisa set down her spoon immediately. “What’s wrong with Carlito?”
“Did I say anything was wrong?” She waved her hands vaguely. “Perhaps there is. It is only a feeling.”
Luisa half-rose. “Is he in his room?”
“Sit down and eat, Maria Luisa. He will be back soon. You will have to wait.”
“Where did he go? How did he get there?”
“He is with his father.” Consuela crossed herself, muttering a prayer.
“Why? Ramon didn’t call to ask me.”
“Do you forget that your son’s sixteenth birthday is tomorrow? Has your work wiped that from your head? Ramon is giving him his birthday present.”
Luisa waved aside her mother’s insinuations. “What did he give him?”
“Am I a bruja that I can see what happens elsewhere?”
“When will he be back?”
“Soon, Maria Luisa. I heard Carlito tell his father that he had homework to do. Now sit down and eat.”
Although it was the last thing she wanted to do, Luisa obeyed her mother. The soup was delicious and not eating wouldn’t bring Carlos home any sooner.
Just after she finished, she heard the back door open. Carlos walked into the kitchen, his hands empty.
“Where is your father?”
She could see her son stiffen. “He…left.”
“What did he give you?”
“Uh, Mama, I need to talk to you.”
“All right.”
He glanced at his grandmother, then indicated the living room with his head. “Alone?”
Consuela’s eyebrows lifted. Luisa frowned and rose from the table, following her son from the room. “Are you excited about taking your driver’s license test tomorrow?” He’d been practicing for weeks and had excelled in his driver’s education class.
“Yeah. Uh, yes.” He was distracted, pacing the room and rubbing his hands on his pants.
“What is it, Carlit—Carlos?”
“Sit down, Mama, please.”
She sat down, mentally steeling herself. “All right, I’m sitting. What is it, mijo?”
“Mama, you’ve got to understand something. This isn’t meant to hurt you, all right?”
Her heart turned to lead. “What isn’t?”
He turned to face her, squaring his shoulders. “Mama, I want to go live with my dad.”
She heard Consuela gasp from the other room, but she couldn’t seem to react herself. It was as if she was hearing this from miles away, as if his voice had traveled a great distance. Deep within her, the denial began. “He’s turned you against me. What did he say?”
“Nothing, Mama. This isn’t about you.”
Suddenly, the reaction hit. “Not about me? I’ve given my life to you, to protect you from that—that bastard, that abuser, that violent man who will hurt you, Carlito, do you understand? He will hurt you, like he hurt me. Like he hurt your sister. No! You won’t live with him. You can’t—I can’t let you.”
“You can’t stop me.”
“You just try me.”
“Mama, don’t do this. He’s never hurt me. He’s not like that now. I told you, this isn’t about you.”
She pulled at the sweater over her chest, pounded against her breastbone. “When you rip my heart from my chest, this is not about me? When you spit on everything I’ve done for you, this is not meant to hurt me? Carlito, you are killing me. All I ever did was love you, take care of you, and you return my love this way?”
His face was pinched, the skin around his eyes white with strain. “I knew you would be like this. I told him—”
“How? How did he convince you? What lies did he tell you?”
“It wasn’t his idea, Mama. It was mine.”
From behind her, Consuela wailed. “I told you, Maria Luisa. I told you that you should be here with him.”
“Shut up, Grandma.”
Consuela gasped.
Luisa curled her fingers into a fist, shocked at the violence she felt. “You do not talk to your grandmother like that. You will not do this, do you hear me? You will not live with that man.”
“You can’t stop me.”
“I can, and I will.”
“If you try, I’ll drop out of school. I’m old enough tomorrow, and I’ll do it, Mama, if you try to prevent me from doing this.” His face held equal parts of rage and pain. “I’ll tell you for the last time—this is not about you. Everything doesn’t have to be about you, Mama. This is me. This is my life.”
“What has he promised you?” Luisa couldn’t see past her pain, past the betrayal. “He won’t live up to it, you wait and see. He’ll hurt you like he’s hurt everyone else.”
Her son’s voice rose in anger. “Did it ever occur to you that people change? Why won’t you give him a chance? He loves me, too, and you can’t stand that, can you? You want me all to yourself. He’s over there, all alone. Because you hate him and you’ve poisoned Chico and Maria Elena against him, he has no one. No one but me.” He turned to leave the room. “I’m going now, Mama. Don’t try to stop me. Don’t make me hate you.”
“Carlito—” She rushed across the room, ready to beg now. Pride was nothing. She couldn’t afford pride. She had to save her son. “Please—” She clutched at his shirt. “Please don’t do this.” With an anguished wail, she clung tight and sagged against the doorway.
“Mama, don’t.” His voice cracked, the voice of a boy, not a man. He peeled her fingers away from his shirt. “You have to quit hating him.”
Blinded by her tears, Luisa grasped at the remnants of her control. “I will. I’ll stop, I promise. Just don’t go.”
“I have to. I promised him I would.”
“But tomorrow’s your birthday.”
“You’ve had me for every single one of them. He needs me, Mama. He’s really lonely. He’s trying to make a new start, and I want to help him.”
She could see her son’s anguish. Deep inside her mother’s heart was the bitter knowledge that if she stopped him, she’d lose him forever. Perhaps she could force him, perhaps there were legal means. Perhaps she could punish Ramon.
But the price would be the loss of her son’s love.
Nothing she’d endured had prepared her for this pain. She thought she’d survived the worst that could be meted out to her, but Ramon’s fists, near-starvation, endless nights studying while holding crying babies and craving sleep—nothing could hold a candle to the agony slicing through her heart like a rusty razor.
And as she looked at her last child, her baby trying to become a man, she knew she was defeated. If she truly loved him, she had to let him go.
With trembling fingers, she reached out to him, smoothing his shirt where her fingers had crumpled the fabric. She swallowed hard, and took a shaky breath, trying to stem the tears. She had plenty of time to cry when he was gone.
“All right.” She covered her mouth with one hand, trying to muffle the sob that clawed up from the pit of her soul. She stared at the floor, summoning her last ounce of strength.
Then she looked up at the child who held her heart, whose own anguish was written all over his face. “Was I so bad that I drove you away, Carlito?”
His own face crumpled and she saw the tears start.
“I’m sorry. Don’t answer that. I know I’ve been horrible—I just—” Stop it now, Luisa. Don’t hurt him any more than you already have.
She drew in a sobbing breath, wiping her face with both hands. “Do you—is there something I can do to help?”
The quick flare of relief in his eyes was her reward for the hardest thing she’d ever done. He shook his head. “I—I don’t think so.” He dropped his gaze. “I already packed what I needed this afternoon.”
She couldn’t think about the gnawing pain now. She had to make this bearable for both of them.
“I’ll—I’ll be there in a minute. I’ll drive you over.”
Guilt wrote its name across his face. “Dad said he’d come back in half an hour. He should be outside soon.”
Luisa clutched the doorframe to keep from collapsing. “Will you—” She bit her lips to keep from sobbing. “Will you want your birthday present tonight?” She’d been tutoring to make extra money to buy him an old used car.
Carlos crossed to her then, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Mama, I’ll still see you a lot. I’m not saying goodbye forever. I’m just going to live with Dad for a while. He wanted to move to California, but I told him I wouldn’t leave you here alone.”
Oh God. California. She clutched at his arm. “Thank you.” It all poured out in a rush. “Carlito—Carlos, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to tear you in two. There’s just been so much between your father and me that you can’t imagine, and I just—” She had to stop or she’d be sobbing again.
She drew herself up very straight. “I—please promise me that if things don’t work out the way you hoped, you won’t be too proud to come back.”
“I won’t. But they’ll work out.”
She doubted it very much. But she nodded. “Just promise me you’ll come to me for anything. Anything, Carlos. You are my child. You are my heart. I would do anything for you.” She bit her lip as another sob worked its way up from her throat.
“I know. I love you, Mama. I’ll only be a few blocks away.”
“Yes. I’ll remember that.” She made her spine ram-rod straight. “Then go ahead and grab your things. I’ll be there in a moment.”
He walked away slowly, somehow older just in the last minutes.
Luisa walked behind the door and pressed her face against the wall, praying for the strength to see her through this. After a moment, she felt a touch on her shoulder and turned to see her mother with tears in her eyes.
“Never have I been so proud of you, Maria Luisa. Never.” Consuela’s dark eyes were as fierce as her voice.
“Oh, Mama, how am I going to survive this?”
“The same way you’ve survived all the other hard things you’ve had to do. One moment at a time.”
Luisa clutched at her mother’s hand and felt a bond she’d forgotten in all their squabbles. “Oh, Mama, what would I have ever done without you?”
“Sh-h-h, mija.” Consuela stroked her hair. “I’m here. I’m here.”
Luisa heard her son’s steps in the hallway and knew she had to hold on, just a little longer.
One moment. One moment at a time.
* * *
Two days later, Tom stopped by Luisa’s office to ask her a question. He rapped on the door twice and opened it when he heard her muffled voice.
Luisa looked up, her face ravaged.
“What’s wrong?”
She turned away, fumbling for a tissue behind her desk. “Nothing. I’m all right.”
“Is it Carlos?”
He heard the catch in her breath, saw her shoulders begin to shake. He closed the door behind him.
“He’s gone to live with Ramon. The night before his birthday, and he—” A sob hitched in her throat.
“I’m sorry.” No wonder she looked devastated. If only Ava were here, instead of him. But Ava was in New York. He crossed the room but stopped just behind her. Luisa wasn’t a person you just touched. She guarded her physical space carefully.
She shook her head, still refusing to turn around. Then in a tiny voice, she said, “I don’t know what to do.”
Tom took a chance. If she were Ava or Siobhan, he’d know a hug would help. He wasn’t sure with Luisa, but she seemed to be at her wits’ end. He laid one hand on her shoulder to make her feel less alone. “Want to talk about it?”
To his surprise, she turned into his arms. He closed them around her lightly, awkwardly patting her back.
She was so tiny, he worried that he’d break something. But when she began to shudder and sob, he tightened his arms around her and rocked her slightly from side to side, imitating the comfort he’d given his children.
Her sobs were deep and ragged, each one seeming torn from deep in her chest. Tom murmured softly to her, knowing nothing he said would really help.
The door burst open. Sofia strode in. “Luisa—” She stopped and stared.
Tom and Luisa jerked apart, Luisa turning her back, furiously wiping at her eyes.
“I—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.” But her avid, greedy eyes told a different story.
“Luisa was—” Tom wasn’t sure how much Luisa would want told.
Luisa turned on her colleague. “What is it, Sofia?” Her voice was rough, but she faced Sofia squarely with no explanation.
“Never mind. It’s not important.”
“Then I’d appreciate you waiting until later.”
“I didn’t know you had company.”
Tom could feel Sofia’s speculative gaze. Since the Christmas party, she’d thrown herself in his path many times. He’d learned to avoid her. Now he stared back at her, his voice going cold. “Your mother never taught you to knock at a closed door?”
Luisa shot him a grateful look. Sofia’s eyes sparked with temper.
She lifted her chin. “I can see I interrupted something…private.”
“You can see nothing but two friends talking. If your matter can wait, I’ll see you later.” Luisa dismissed her with poise, but Tom could see her hands shaking.
“Oh, I’m sure it’s not as important as this…talk among friends.” Sofia’s face twisted in a smirk. She left the room, closing the door loudly.
Luisa collapsed in her chair.
Tom wasn’t about to touch her again. He stood there, wondering if he should leave.
“I’m sorry about that.” Her voice was tiny again.
“Never mind her. She’ll get over it.”
“I would never embarrass you. And I don’t know what came over me. I should never—”
“You need a friend, Luisa. I’m sorry Ava’s not here. I’m sure she’d be a better choice, but since she’s not, why don’t you talk to me and tell me what happened?”
She was silent so long, he’d about decided to leave when he heard her voice.
“He—he wasn’t there when I got home night before last. Mama said Ramon was giving him his birthday p
resent but he’d be back. But when—when—”
He could hear the tears crowding her throat. “It’s okay. Take your time.”
Luisa sniffed. She blew her nose softly. “When he came home, he said he wanted to live with his father. Oh, Tom, Ramon’s convinced him he’s lonely and needs Carlos more than I do.”
“Maybe he does.”
Her head shot up, her eyes sparking, her voice sharp. “I’ve done everything for Carlos, trying to make a good life for him. A life better than he would ever have had with that bastard. How can he do this to me?”
“Maybe it isn’t about you, Luisa.”
“That’s what he said, too, but how can that be? How can it not be about me when he’s ripped the heart right out of my chest?”
“He’s young. He’s worried about his father. He’s a good boy, one you’ve raised to be responsible.”
“He doesn’t have to be responsible for that man. Ramon’s supposed to be a grown man and take care of himself. He can’t even keep a job.”
Tom tried to keep his voice gentle. “You’re supposed to be grown up, too.”
A long silence ensued while she twisted the tissue in her hands. He settled into the chair beside her desk, but she didn’t look at him.
“I guess I deserved that. But, Tom, it hurts so much. I don’t think I can survive this.”
“You’ll survive, Luisa. You’re too strong to do anything else.”
“Maybe I can’t be strong anymore. What’s the point?”
“Your life isn’t finished because your children are grown up. Carlos would be leaving in two years, anyway.”
“Oh, Dios,” she laughed weakly. “I sound like Ellie.”
“You’re not Ellie. You’re a strong, successful woman, doing work you love. You’ve never depended upon your children to be your whole life.”
She hunched over her desk, her voice quiet. “Maybe I should have. Maybe I’ve missed too much.”
“What were your choices? You had to leave Ramon. You had to support your mother and your kids. You did what was necessary.”
“Will he be safe, Tom?” He could see on her face the fear he imagined had been haunting her.
The Book Babes Boxed Set (Texas Ties/Texas Troubles/Texas Together) Page 18