Defy the Stars

by Sophie McKenzie

  ‘I want us to be friends,’ I said.

  Leo drew back. ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘We are.’

  ‘Even when you move to Devon?’ I said. ‘Even though you hate me because of Flynn?’

  ‘Yes, and I don’t hate you.’ Leo rolled his eyes. ‘I care about you.’

  I hugged him again. ‘I know. I’m sorry if I got angry with you before. Everything you said was true and before you ask I don’t want to talk about what’s happened in the past few days. Deal?’

  Leo considered for a moment. ‘Deal,’ he said.

  I wandered over to the window seat. From here I could just make out the roof of the barn where Flynn and I had split up eight months ago.

  I turned away. I wasn’t going to think about Flynn.

  Leo was still standing beside his bed. I hadn’t been in here for ages and Leo had added to the photos he’d taken on the wall. He had a good eye and there were lots of great pictures, particularly of the sea. Something else was different today. Normally there was a gap in the pictures by the bed, but today the gap was filled with a photo.

  It was a photo of me. Taken last summer, it showed my head and shoulders against the backdrop of the apple orchard. I only vaguely remembered Leo snapping it.

  ‘I’d forgotten you took that,’ I said.

  Leo followed my gaze. ‘Damn,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean you to see I had that there – normally I take it down before you come round.’

  I stared at him. ‘You keep a photo of me by your bed?’

  Leo rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t make it sound so creepy. It’s a beautiful photo.’

  I peered closer. It was a nice picture. ‘Makes me look like I have cheekbones,’ I said.

  ‘It’s just you,’ he said. He looked away.

  I hesitated, embarrassed. I’d so hoped Leo and I really could be friends after all, but the way he was acting now suggested he still had romantic feelings. Maybe I’d been stupid to think they would have gone so fast. After all, I was still in love with Flynn after almost two whole years.

  Leo was still staring out of the window. He looked so miserable that it was all I could do to stop myself reaching over and hugging him again. But I sensed that would only make the situation worse. And Leo’s life was hard enough: his mum was dead, he wasn’t really close to his dad and he didn’t fit in at college. He’d once told me he’d been bullied at every school he’d attended. I was his closest friend and I had barely been there for him for the past few weeks. The very least I owed him was a bit of my time.

  ‘So what’s new?’ I asked, hoping to change the subject.

  ‘Nothing much.’ Leo hesitated, his face clouding over. ‘I spoke to Flynn earlier, you know.’

  I stared at him. ‘Did you?’ I said, startled. ‘How did—’

  ‘I called the number you’d rung your mum on. Your dad did too. But nobody answered.’

  I nodded, remembering all the missed calls and the third number logged on Flynn’s mobile. ‘I didn’t know for sure you’d rung me,’ I said. ‘I’d lost my own phone and—’

  ‘I know.’ Leo waved his hand, as if to indicate explanations weren’t needed. ‘The point is that I was up half last night worrying about you and I kept ringing and ringing and eventually Flynn answered.’

  ‘What did he say?’ My heart felt like it was lodged in my throat.

  ‘A few things,’ Leo said. ‘Like “Look after River” . . . “She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met” . . . “I’m a waste of space” . . .’

  I frowned. ‘Seriously, Leo, you’re saying Flynn told you he was a waste of space?’

  ‘Okay, no, but he did say to look after you and that you were amazing and . . . and when I told him he was a jerk he didn’t contradict me.’

  ‘Right.’ I turned to face the window. The sun was already low in the sky. Hours had passed since Flynn had left the hotel this morning. It felt like days already, yet the pain seared through me, fresh and sharp as a knife. Was it always going to be like this? Me missing Flynn so hard I couldn’t breathe? I thought back to the last time I’d seen him, that miserable look in his eye. His decision to leave had come just after he’d gone outside our room to investigate a noise.

  What if Leo had rung while Flynn was downstairs? What if it had been Leo’s anger that had prompted Flynn to leave me?

  ‘When exactly did you call him?’ I demanded.

  ‘I don’t remember.’ Leo shrugged. ‘Just that it was the middle of the night.’

  I glanced at the picture of me on his wall, suddenly seeing the whole thing. ‘You told Flynn to leave me alone.’

  ‘No, I didn’t. I told you, I just said he was a jerk for getting you mixed up in—’

  ‘You’re lying,’ I said. ‘You thought if you made him leave me, then I’d fall in love with you.’

  ‘What?’ Leo said. ‘That’s mad. I said what I said because I care about you. Open your eyes, River. Flynn is a criminal. Thanks to him, you’ve been kidnapped, seen someone killed . . .’ He paused. ‘The only good thing Flynn’s ever done was leave. That was right . . . for you and for your future.’

  ‘How dare you tell me what’s right for me and my future?’ My fury rose with my voice. ‘You say you’re my friend, but you don’t understand how it feels to love someone like I love Flynn.’

  ‘Don’t I?’ Leo’s mouth trembled slightly.

  There was a knock on the door. Dad appeared, his face wreathed in anxiety. ‘River, are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said, looking at the floor.

  Dad cleared his throat. ‘I just came over to . . . to tell you that Cody has been arrested.’

  ‘Good,’ I said. It was good, though right now I couldn’t feel any relief. All I could feel was misery and anger – with Leo for interfering, with Flynn for listening and most of all with myself, for caring.

  ‘I’m going back to our flat,’ I said.

  ‘Okay.’ Dad gazed anxiously from me to Leo, then back to me. ‘Are you sure everything’s okay?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said. And I followed Dad out of the room without looking back.

  24

  A long week passed. I got myself a new phone and thought about calling Flynn. He had left me his number and said I should contact him if I needed anything, so it wasn’t like before, when I’d thought he hated me. But every time I went to make the call, I stopped myself.

  Flynn hadn’t left because he didn’t love me but because he was trying to protect me. I couldn’t see him changing his mind. Whatever Leo had said to him – and I was still sure he had had a hand in Flynn leaving, despite his denials – had clearly convinced Flynn that keeping his distance was the best thing he could do for me.

  I also learned that, despite what he’d said, Flynn had not after all gone to the police and told them about his work for Bentham. I didn’t know what to make of that. He had been so adamant that he was ready to take responsibility for his mistakes that it was hard to believe he was prepared to go back on that now.

  Mum and Dad, of course, thought I was being hopelessly naïve to have even expected Flynn to turn himself in.

  ‘He’s a lost cause,’ Dad said wearily.

  ‘More like a hardened criminal,’ Mum said with a sniff. ‘Leopards don’t change their spots.’

  I said nothing, but I was sure there was more to it than that.

  My term at sixth form college was drawing to an end. Most people were excited about the long summer holiday stretching ahead. Personally, the prospect of endless weeks spent wandering around the commune helping out with all the usual chores filled me with a flat, sad sense of boredom. About the only thing that kept me going was having Lily in my life. Her sweet face and huge brown eyes never failed to make me smile and I spent a lot of time looking after her for Dad and Gemma.

  Meanwhile Leo, his dad and Ros were planning to leave in August and move to a rented place in Devon while they looked for a permanent home. Leo was enrolled in a school down there, his third in as many years. Under
other circumstances, I would have felt sorry for him but I was still too mad at him for warning Flynn off me – and for not having the guts to admit it.

  Of course, the truth was that I was really mad at Flynn for listening – and at myself for not being smart enough to have found a way to make him stay. But, during those warm weeks at the end of June and the start of July, my anger stayed firmly directed at Leo. I hadn’t been back to London since the night of that party in central London. I’d messaged with Grace and Emmi, but I hadn’t told them about Flynn – or our ordeal with Cody. Of course they found out. Flynn had, apparently, called James and ordered him to keep an eye on me. I didn’t know whether to feel irritated that he was still trying to oversee my life or touched by his concern.

  The week college finished for summer, Grace called me, all excited about some holiday cottage belonging to friends of James’s parents.

  ‘We’re going next weekend,’ she said. ‘What do you think?’

  I hadn’t followed half of what she’d said. These days my mind seemed to find it hard to focus. I wasn’t letting losing Flynn eat away at me like I had before, but it still seemed to take all my energy to keep my misery at bay.

  ‘Where is the cottage?’ I asked.

  ‘The Cotswolds,’ Grace explained. ‘It’ll be just us. James is borrowing some huge car to drive us there, and there’s plenty of room in the cottage. You’ll love it.’

  ‘Me?’

  Grace gave an exasperated sigh. ‘Yes, River. You. That’s what I’m asking – will you come with us?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ I said. A weekend away with James and Grace was the last thing I felt like facing. Not that they acted all loved-up any more, but they were still a couple. ‘Will it just be the three of us?’

  ‘For goodness sake, weren’t you listening to anything I said?’ Grace tutted. ‘There’ll be a whole bunch of people. Emmi and her boyfriend and one of his mates, plus a couple of others. Mostly people you know already. Please say yes.’

  ‘Fine.’ I agreed, mostly to get her off my back. What did it really matter where I spent the weekend? At least if I was away from the commune I wouldn’t have to face all the concerned looks I got daily from the other residents here. Plus, much as I loved my new baby sister, it would be nice for once not to be woken several times a night by her crying.

  Dad was delighted that I was heading off for the weekend, even giving me money towards James’s petrol costs which I earmarked immediately for chocolate and alcohol.

  By the time I’d packed a bag containing a couple of spare tops, some jewellery and my make-up, I was actually quite excited about the prospect of going away. Maybe this was the best thing for me after all. The court case with Cody, where I was going to have to give evidence as a witness, wouldn’t take place for months. I was all set for my courses next year. I didn’t expect to make any new friends over the weekend but at least I could try and forget my troubles with some old ones.

  Towards the end of Friday afternoon, Gemma shouted up to tell me that James and the others had arrived. I raced downstairs to find Grace waiting by the door, a big smile on her face. I lugged my bag towards her, feeling better than I had done for weeks.

  ‘Where’s Leo?’ Grace said, looking around. ‘Isn’t he ready?’

  I stared at her. ‘Leo?’

  Grace’s smile faded. ‘Didn’t he tell you? James and I thought you’d like him to come, seeing as he’s pretty much your bestie these days.’ She winked at me. ‘Oh, well, I guess he wanted to surprise you.’

  ‘Right.’ My heart sank. The last thing I needed was Leo along for the weekend.

  Someone in the car outside sounded the horn – an impatient series of toots. Grace rolled her eyes.

  ‘I’ll go and tell them you won’t be long.’ She disappeared.

  I heard footsteps behind me and turned.

  ‘Hey, River.’ It was Leo. He had a bag in his hand and a guilty expression on his face.

  ‘Hi.’ I raised my eyebrows.

  ‘Er, River, I . . . er . . .’ he stammered.

  Outside, the car horn tooted again.

  ‘I hear James invited you along,’ I said.

  Leo looked away. ‘It was a last-minute thing,’ he mumbled miserably. ‘James only called me this morning. He and Grace have no idea we . . . they think we’re still friends. I didn’t know how to tell them I was the last person you’d want along for the weekend. They kind of insisted I came too. Thought I might be able to help cheer you up.’ He made a face.

  ‘It’s fine,’ I said, feeling awkward. ‘Why didn’t you say something earlier?’

  ‘Because I was worried you’d hate the idea.’ Leo sounded close to tears. ‘Please, River, I can’t stand that we’re not speaking. I swear I didn’t order Flynn to leave you alone or anything like it. He’d never listen to what I said anyway. You know he wouldn’t.’

  With a jolt I realised that this was true. That it was so obviously true I couldn’t believe I hadn’t faced up to the truth of it before. Flynn would never do something just because another person told him to. Especially Leo.

  ‘Okay.’ I forced a smile on to my face. ‘I’m sorry, Leo, and it’s fine you coming. More than fine.’

  Leo was beaming as we headed out to the car. I wished I could feel happy too, but accepting at last that Flynn had decided to leave me of his own accord was hard to bear.

  The cottage was lovely. I even almost enjoyed the journey there. I’d sat at the back of the nine-seater car with Emmi, her boyfriend – a good-looking, nineteen-year-old called Freddie – and his best friend, Sam, leaving Leo to ride with a couple of Grace’s mates from school. James and Grace sat up front, bickering over the satnav like an old married couple.

  Freddie and Emmi spent most of the ride all over each other, giving Sam and me a chance to talk. I liked him. I could even imagine, under other circumstances, being prepared to go out with him. He had sparkling blue eyes, a shock of wild, dark hair and a large nose that somehow fitted his face. Best of all he was confident and easy to talk to, making me laugh with his asides about James’s driving and Freddie and Emmi’s non-stop kissing.

  Once we were inside the cottage – a little cream-coloured house on the outskirts of the Cotswolds and surrounded by sunlit fields – Freddie produced two large bottles of spiced vodka and suggested a game of strip poker. Grace and her friends looked so horrified that Emmi started laughing and her helpless giggles set me off too. The idea was dropped soon after, but Freddie then proceeded to mix a huge bowl of punch which appeared to contain every type of alcohol in existence, the flavours all covered over with masses of peach juice.

  Leo kept trying to catch my eye. It was obvious that he disapproved of both Emmi and her boyfriend. I kept ignoring him. We’d already divided up rooms – Emmi and I had said we would share the basement bedroom, with Freddie and Sam on sofas in the living room. The others were all going to be upstairs. I was well aware that once the others had gone to bed, Emmi and Freddie would peel off, leaving me with Sam.

  I decided to sleep with him. It would be part of my getting over Flynn. I’d hardly even kissed anyone apart from Flynn and had no idea what being with someone else would be like. Now seemed as good a time as any to find out.

  Grace and one of her friends cooked up the pizzas we’d brought with us and everyone settled in the living room to watch a horror movie and drink Freddie’s punch. Apart from a bit of tension between James and Freddie, late afternoon turned into evening without any real drama. Leo sat, silently, in a corner. He didn’t look like he was having much fun but then Leo was always best one-on-one, tending to lose what little confidence he had in company.

  And then Dad rang. I slipped outside to take the call. It was almost nine p.m. and the sun was slowly setting behind the garage that stood across the gravel from the cottage. I stood, watching the pinks and golds of the sky beyond the distant fields.

  ‘River?’ Dad sounded tense.

  ‘What’s up?’ I asked. I’d already
had two large glasses of the punch and was feeling pleasantly mellow.

  ‘I’ve got some bad news.’ Dad hesitated.

  My chest tightened. Was this about the baby? Dad sounded more worried than distraught. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Cody has been released from custody, all charges dropped,’ Dad said.

  25

  My insides seemed to shrivel up. ‘What?’ I sucked in my breath, shocked to my core. ‘How can they just let him go?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Dad said miserably. ‘I just got the call from the police liaison person. Apparently there’s not enough evidence to prosecute.’

  ‘But . . . but I was there,’ I said. ‘I saw him shoot that man. And there must be CCTV or . . . or DNA traces too.’

  ‘The CCTV doesn’t show the shooting,’ Dad explained. ‘There was never any real evidence against Cody except your testimony.’

  He paused and I knew he was thinking about Flynn’s failure to turn himself in.

  ‘What about the guys who saw us leave?’ I asked.

  ‘The cops can’t trace them.’

  ‘But . . .’ My head spun. ‘Why isn’t my word enough?’

  I could hear Dad taking a deep breath. They’ve decided your evidence isn’t sufficiently strong. It’s because of what happened last year . . . you spending that week in bed not talking, seeing the counsellor afterwards. They’re saying you’re not a reliable witness.’

  ‘No,’ I breathed.

  ‘I’m so sorry, River.’ Dad paused. ‘I’m wondering if that gangster Cody and Flynn worked for – Bentham – has got something to do with this. Maybe he’s put pressure on someone somewhere.’

  I shivered. That was exactly what Flynn had predicted.

  I spoke to Dad a little more. He emphasised that the police were monitoring Cody’s movements. ‘They’ve got someone following him right now,’ he said.

  I reassured him that I was fine, then I went back inside. The scene was the same as when I’d left, but now the whole party atmosphere seemed trivial and tacky. Freddie was again urging everyone to play strip poker and, though Emmi was the only person who appeared to think this was a good idea, neither of them were shutting up about it.