The Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off

by Carolyn Brown

  Carlene wasn’t sure whether to hold Sugar back or turn her loose to support her sisters. She had to make a decision quickly because the look on Sugar’s face said that Kitty had already gone too far and if she mentioned Jamie’s name, she might end up toothless as well as bald.

  “Ladies, ladies,” Isaac said. “This is the season of resurrection. Forgive. Forget and move on.”

  Violet took a step toward Kitty and pointed at Agnes. “I’m not in a forgiving mood. Agnes Flynn shouldn’t even be here. She hasn’t been in this church in months.”

  Agnes reached down into her bag of eggs, picked one up, and hurled it like a baseball. It hit Violet right between the eyes, bounced once on the table, rolled across the floor, and didn’t even break open.

  Damn, those were some good stickers, Carlene thought.

  Violet instinctively grabbed one of her eggs and launched it at Agnes. Agnes caught it like an outfielder, drew back, and let it fly across the room, binging Violet in the nose that time.

  “Agnes Flynn, you have gone too far,” Violet screamed.

  Agnes took off in a run to meet Violet halfway across the room. “I don’t mind going to jail again.”

  How in the devil did two old women move so fast? Carlene wondered.

  Agnes managed to slap Violet once before Tansy, Gigi, Sugar, and Carlene dragged her backward.

  Violet had her fists doubled and was flailing at Agnes when Jack and Isaac forced their way into the melee. She landed a right hook in Isaac’s eye and a left undercut in Jack’s crotch, putting both men on their knees.

  “See what you caused?” Violet snapped at Agnes.

  Beulah came out from around the table and slapped Violet on the other cheek. “I’ve put up with a lot from you, Violet Prescott. But if you’ve ruined my chances at grandchildren, I will never forgive you.”

  Kim rushed to Isaac’s side. “Darlin’, come on with me and I’ll get an ice pack for that eye.”

  “Darlin’?” Floy hollered. “You are dating that hussy? I’ll see to it you are fired as soon as the vote comes up.”

  Carlene knelt beside Jack. “What can I do?”

  “Nothing,” he huffed. “Just give me a minute.”

  Isaac managed to get to his feet and threw his arm around Kim. “Yes, we are dating. Yes, she is my girlfriend. I’m going to get this tended to and then we’re going to have lunch and you are all going to behave like civilized adults who do not sling insults about firing the preacher.”

  Everything went so quiet that it was eerie. Finally, Alma Grace dropped her chin to her chest and started to pray. “Father, as we partake of this chili that has been prepared by the future winners of the cook-off, please let us do it gracefully even if we don’t like each other. Amen.”

  Everyone stared at her but no one said a word.

  “My cousins and I will serve the chili. Y’all come right on in and enjoy lunch. We’re anxious to know what you think of this new recipe. Does it need more chili powder or maybe more beef? We are up for suggestions and little suggestion cards are stacked up beside the chili pot.”

  Like always, food brought even enemies together, even if there was a separation of the two factions when they sat down to the tables to eat.

  Agnes threw off Tansy and Sugar’s hands and whispered, “You are all welcome.”

  “For what?” Tansy asked.

  “It was getting out of hand, Tansy Cordell. Another minute and you and Kitty would have been on the floor scratchin’ eyeballs and a snatchin’ hair. Then Sugar would have jumped in and Gigi was already spittin’ mad. So it would have been three against one and even though I didn’t give a shit if y’all whupped Kitty Lovelle, I didn’t want her hurt and in the hospital.” She paused, took a deep breath, and whispered, “She’s moved in with Lenny and I think that’s the best punishment he can get for his sorry-ass deeds so let’s keep her healthy, girls. Hell, I might even take her a pie next week.”

  “Thank you, Agnes,” Carlene said, and she meant it from the heart.

  Agnes smiled and whispered to Beulah, “It was two birds in one shot. I was thinkin’ about throwing an egg at Violet the whole time I was puttin’ candy in them. When she gave me a good reason, I did it. I still got a damn good throwin’ arm. I enjoyed that so much that I’m comin’ to church here tomorrow just to pester the shit out of Violet. Sorry about what she did to you, Jack. Next time we get into it, you’d do well to get behind me so I can protect you. And Beulah, honey, he’s going to have to do more than ride down the street with Carlene to make grandbabies. Now let’s get into this chili. I think it needs some more onions and maybe some more chili powder. What do y’all think?”

  ***

  Alma Grace sat beside her mother and father in the crowded church. The sun was out that morning with not a single cloud in the pale blue sky. The meteorologist had declared it a perfect Easter Sunday with temperatures predicted to hit seventy-five degrees. Not bad unless there were lots and lots of bodies that registered 98.6 on the thermometer. And they were jammed up tight shoulder to shoulder in the church where the air conditioning had gone out during Sunday school.

  Windows had been thrown open but there wasn’t a breeze to be bought, borrowed, or stolen between the Gulf of Mexico and the Red River. Alma Grace was glad that she’d bought a cotton sundress with a bolero type sweater for the day and that she hadn’t had time to shop for new shoes, so the ones on her feet were broken in.

  Violet sat across the aisle from them. Makeup couldn’t cover the purple bruise around her eye. Isaac sat on the bench behind the podium with a matching light purple tie and eye. At least it was Easter and they were all the right pastel color, Alma Grace thought.

  Agnes was right behind Violet. She winked at Alma Grace when she caught her eye. Lord, those two old women were going to their graves fighting and feuding.

  Carlene slid into the pew next to Alma Grace and picked up a cardboard fan from the back of the pew in front of them and started fanning. “What happened to the air conditioning?”

  “It’s broke. Where’s Patrice?”

  Carlene fanned wider so the air would catch Alma Grace. “She and Yancy are on the way. He’s coming to dinner,” she whispered.

  “Is Jack coming, too?” Alma Grace

  “Hell, no!” Carlene said.

  “Shhh,” Sugar fussed. “The program is about to begin. Floy is taking her place.”

  Patrice and Yancy slipped in at the last minute beside Carlene. “Where’s Mama and Aunt Gigi?”

  Alma Grace leaned around Carlene and pointed to the front. “They’re on the front pew so they can make Kitty uncomfortable. She and Lenny both are in the choir this morning.”

  Isaac took his place behind the podium. “Today we are having our yearly Easter musical program. The Easter committee and the choir have worked very hard on this program. So y’all enjoy it and have a wonderful Easter. The entire offering today will be going to our Easter fund for next year’s production. So when the plate is passed, be sure to dig deep into your pockets.”

  Dig deep in her pockets, her Texas posterior. Alma Grace had already donated wings and a halo. That’s all they’d ever get from her.

  Somewhere behind her she heard a noise like ripping cloth. And then off to the side, a bubbly noise that left no doubt there was some major farting going on in church. Thank God the choir was singing loudly or the next one would have rattled the windows. What in the devil was going on?

  She caught Patrice’s eye and they each clamped a hand over their mouths like little girls trying to keep back the giggles. Then Carlene’s face said that the smell had hit her nose and she quickly looked at both her cousins.

  “Yesterday’s chili,” Patrice sighed.

  “I’m glad I didn’t eat any of it,” Alma Grace whispered to Patrice.

  “The deacons did and look at the wiggling on their pews behind the pulpit. I bet the choir is getting a noseful…” Patrice giggled.

  Violet and another lady jumped up at the sa
me time, right in the middle of the choir’s rendition of “Amazing Love” and trotted down the center aisle toward the bathroom.

  No one in the congregation smiled as Macy’s glittery wings and lovely halo turned her into a floating angel above the congregation. Some were already leaving, hunting for fresh air. The brave souls who hung on had an expression of pure misery on their faces. Heat rises and with it went the aftereffects of spicy chili. Macy gagged, coughed, covered her mouth, and completely lost her voice during her solo.

  Alma Grace looked up, winked at the ceiling, and said a fervent, if short, prayer of thanksgiving.

  ***

  Carlene was in the yard gasping for air when her father draped an arm around her shoulders. “Happy Easter, baby girl. Your basket is on the kitchen table at home. What in the hell was that smell in there anyway. Did a sewer pipe break loose or something?”

  “Daddy, I’m twenty-seven years old. That’s too old for an Easter basket and the smell was pure old farts. I think it came from the chili our mamas served at the church yesterday,” she said.

  “I don’t care how old you are. You’ll always be my little girl even if you don’t have blond pigtails and those little fancy white shoes on today. So after the dinner at Sugar’s, you’ll come by and get it?” Alex asked.

  “Chocolate?” she asked.

  “One big Easter bunny is chocolate but the fluffy little stuffed bunny isn’t.” He grinned.

  “Solid or hollow?”

  “That hollow shit ain’t real chocolate,” he said.

  Gigi popped him on the arm. “Don’t say bad words in church.”

  “Well, your mamas turned the whole Easter program into a fart machine and it smelled like shit in there so I don’t see that saying a few bad words is so wrong. So that’s why Macy couldn’t finish her song. This is the best Easter ever!”

  He squeezed Carlene’s shoulders. “See you at Sugar and Jamie’s. Oh, and just so you know. Your mama invited Agnes and Beulah. And Sugar felt sorry for Jack and Isaac so she invited them. And Alma Grace invited Kim. So it’s turned into a big party.”

  Carlene swallowed hard. “God…”

  “…is good.” Alex’s grin got even bigger. “Drive safe now. Lord, it’ll be good to get out of this damned hot church and get this tie off. It would have been a good day for Isaac to preach on hell bein’ seven times hotter than earth or about the stink when God sent down the plagues.”

  Alma Grace looped her arm in Carlene’s and dragged her off toward a side exit. “I don’t need to shake hands with Isaac. Let’s get out of here. I was feeling pretty angry that everything went so well, then the chili hit bottom and I found something to be downright happy about.”

  “Alma Grace!”

  “Well, I did.”

  ***

  Patrice propped her feet on a chaise lounge on the patio where dinner had been served buffet style with all the traditional Southern foods, starting with baked ham and candied yams. Tulip centerpieces blooming in pastel-colored pots were on the center of the tables covered with pink, yellow, and blue plaid cloths. It was all very much in tune with the Easter holiday and now the guys, including Yancy, had all followed Uncle Jamie out to the horse stables to look at a new colt born just that morning.

  “Got to admit when that motorcycle pulled up in my driveway last night, I figured it was Alma Grace. I ran to the window and peeked out but be damned if it wasn’t Carlene. Y’all want to know what happened?” Agnes asked.

  Gigi set her bottle of beer on the table. “I’m listening.”

  “Mama!” Carlene exclaimed.

  Beulah blushed.

  Agnes patted her hand. “Don’t go havin’ a heart attack. They didn’t make grandbabies even though after the way Violet tried to un-man him, it might have been a good idea.”

  “Jack walked her to the door. I had to hustle to get to the living room window to see what happened next,” Patrice said.

  “And?” Tansy asked.

  “He slowly brought her hand to his lips, kissed her fingertips, and left. It was the most romantic thing ever.” Patrice sighed.

  Beulah changed the subject. “Is Violet invited out here today?”

  “The whole town is invited,” Sugar said. “It’s a glorious Easter and we will put away our differences so the little ones can all hunt their eggs.”

  “Speak for yourself,” Agnes said.

  “Can I grow up and be just like you?” Patrice asked.

  “You sure can, honey.”

  “Agnes Flynn, I’m mad at you,” Beulah said.

  “What the hell for?” Agnes asked. “I got you the right to hit Violet. Why should you be mad at me?”

  “It’s not fair that you get a grandbaby and I don’t,” Beulah said.

  “It’s not really my grandbaby since Cathy is my niece, not my daughter. And if you’d gotten started when you were twenty instead of waiting until you were almost forty to have Jack, you might have a dozen by now,” Agnes told her.

  Beulah worried about everything and everyone so Patrice was surprised when she drew her eyes down at Agnes.

  “I wish I had and I wish I’d had five or six kids instead of one. You girls pay attention to me. You’re all looking thirty in the eye. Believe me, it’ll be here before you know it. It’s time for you to settle down and have babies. You’ll regret it when you are my age and don’t even have grandchildren,” Beulah said.

  “You listenin’ to her?” Yancy bent over and kissed Patrice upside down.

  “Yes, I am. Are you?” she answered.

  Yancy kissed her again. “The guys have arrived and they’re getting ready to hide eggs. You sweet ladies just sit right here and we’ll do this job. Jamie says to tell Sugar that the caterers have the refreshment tables all ready. Y’all look like a picture from a Southern magazine all sitting around drinkin’ lemonade.”

  Gigi held up her beer bottle. “Darlin’, this is not lemonade.”

  “And it’s not five o’clock but my lemonade has a little kick to it. If you’d like some, it’s in the green pitcher,” Tansy said.

  ***

  Folks began arriving in droves one thirty. Carlene had never seen such a turnout to an Easter egg hunt in her entire life. The whole yard and gardens behind Sugar’s house really did look like a picture from a Southern magazine. Women had tossed piecework quilts down around the edge of the hunting field and the elderly were sitting in lawn chairs.

  “Think I could hit Violet with an egg from here? I don’t know why she came. She doesn’t have any little kids. That weird son of hers and his new wife have told her that they aren’t planning on a family,” Agnes whispered.

  Josie pulled up a chair next to Carlene. “That was a fine dinner, Miz Sugar. I’m getting my appetite back. How about y’all?”

  Gigi held up her beer. “Not much for food but Coors sure does taste good. Would you look at that?”

  “Well, y’all did put it in the paper that the whole community was invited,” Josie said.

  Kitty threw out a quilt about ten yards from the patio for her and Lenny. Bridget joined them but Macy’s quilt was only six feet away. Bridget couldn’t keep her hands off Lenny; Macy couldn’t keep her eyes off Lenny. Poor man had two women vying for his attention and his mama living with him. It must be pure hell. Agnes was right. That was the best punishment ever. Maybe Carlene would make her a pie and take it to the house, too.

  “I can’t believe she is here,” Gigi gasped. “And Lenny? Lord, we had to practically pay him to come to anything the family had when y’all were married and now he’s showing up?”

  Jack pulled up a chair and sat down beside Carlene. “I got my eggs all hid. It looks like a plastic factory exploded out there. The dentist business is going to be booming.”

  “Better dentists than some of them dying with botulism,” Sugar said.

  “Salmonella,” Agnes told her. “Botulism is what they get from green beans that haven’t been cooked right.”

  “You think Kitty w
ould like a green bean casserole?” Tansy asked.

  Jamie’s big booming voice came through a bullhorn. “Okay, kids. It’s one minute until I shoot this gun. Get ready now. Don’t cross the line until you hear the shot and then get after it. My advice is to take it slow and easy and not run. Oh, my goodness, would you look at that? The Easter bunny is here!”

  “Where is Yancy?” Patrice asked.

  Jack pointed. “Costume fit him. Did y’all really think we were looking at a colt? Jamie said whoever looked best in the costume had to wear it.”

  A giggle escaped from behind the hand that Carlene had clamped over her mouth. “You’re kidding me!”

  “He must love you a lot, Patrice,” Jack said.

  The Easter bunny was pink with a big head and pink ears. He carried an oversized pink basket filled with little chocolate bunnies and he hopped up and down the line dropping one in each basket.

  “You better latch on to that man,” Tansy said. “Look at the way Macy has turned her attention from Lenny to him.”

  Alma Grace patted Patrice on the arm. “We’ll double team her if she starts flirting with your man.”

  Jack leaned over and whispered to Carlene. “If it makes you nervous for me to be here, with Lenny right there and all, I’ll go up there with your dad and the guys.”

  Carlene reached over and laced her fingers with his. “I’m just fine. I might need you to keep Agnes and Violet out of trouble. Or Aunt Tansy and Kitty.”

  “I’ll do what I can if Tansy and Kitty get into it but, darlin’, I’m lightin’ a shuck out of here if Agnes and Violet do. Those two can fight until one of them is dead before I step in again,” he said.

  Agnes cocked her head to one side. “Did I hear my name over there?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I said if you and Violet have a little altercation, I’m going to start runnin’ and I ain’t stoppin’ until I’m safe in my jailhouse,” Jack said.

  “Smart man, Carlene. You’d do well to make Beulah some grandbabies with him,” Agnes said.

  Beulah rolled her eyes and threw up her pudgy hands. “Agnes Flynn!”

  Agnes shrugged toward Beulah. “Honey, welcome to the world of being old and sayin’ what you think. It feels real good.”