The Silent Cry

by Cathy Glass

  When I returned home I wasn’t wholly surprised, therefore, to hear Andy’s message on the answerphone. ‘Cathy, it’s Andy, Laura’s husband. We’re all at the hospital.’ His voice was tight and tense. ‘I may need to ask you to collect Kim from school today. I’ll phone you in about an hour when I know for certain. Thank you.’ It was timed half an hour previously. I didn’t know if they’d been to the doctor’s first or had gone straight to the hospital. An anxious thirty minutes followed, and then fifteen minutes before I had to leave to collect Adrian the phone rang again.

  ‘Cathy, it’s Andy. Did you get my message?’

  ‘Yes. How is Laura?’

  ‘Not good. They’ve sedated her.’ His voice caught. ‘She’s been admitted to St Mary’s [our local hospital] for the time being, but they’re trying to find a place in a hospital with a mother-and-baby unit so she can keep Liam with her. I don’t know how long this is going to take and I can’t leave Mum here to deal with this alone. Can I ask you to collect Kim from school, please, and then take her back to your house for a couple of hours? I’ll be with you as soon as I can. Is that possible?’

  ‘Yes, of course. I’ll give Kim dinner. She can stay the night if necessary. Don’t worry.’

  ‘Thank you. Please tell her that her mum is being well looked after and I’ll see her soon. The poor kid has been through so much.’ His voice broke.

  ‘I’ll explain and reassure her,’ I said. ‘Try not to worry.’

  ‘It’s a nightmare.’

  ‘But Laura is getting the help she needs now,’ I said, trying to reassure him.

  ‘Yes, I hope so.’ We said a quick goodbye and I replaced the receiver.

  Five minutes later I locked the front door and left for school in plenty of time. When Kim came out of school I was waiting for her and explained what her father had said. Her face clouded at the thought of her mother being in hospital, but then she brightened a little when I reassured her that her mother was being well looked after and she could play with Adrian and Paula, and have ice cream for pudding. Although Andy and Geraldine would have done their best to protect Kim from all the upset of Laura’s illness, as Andy said she had been through a lot, for what affects one member of a family obviously impacts on the rest – adults and children.

  Once home, I made a cold drink and a small snack for us all, which we had in the garden, and then I took the toys out of the shed. I stayed in the garden playing with the children until it was time for me to go indoors and make dinner. I asked Adrian and Kim to keep an eye on Paula, although I could see them through the kitchen window as I worked. Kim popped in once to ask if her daddy had phoned yet and I told her I’d let her know as soon as he did. Once the meal was ready I brought the children indoors. Quiche, new potatoes and sweetcorn, followed by tinned fruit and the promised ice cream, with a choice of chocolate or strawberry topping. Adrian had both.

  ‘Yuck,’ Kim laughed as Adrian stirred the deep red and brown sauces together into the melting ice cream.

  ‘Yummy,’ he retaliated, smacking his lips.

  Paula looked on bemused, not really sure what was funny but laughing anyway.

  After dinner storm clouds closed in and we just had time to put the toys in the shed before the first drops of rain splattered large on the patio. A minute later it was pouring down and the sky had darkened so much that I had to switch on the lights. I suggested we could play a game of cards or a board game, but Adrian and Kim wanted to watch a Walt Disney film and chose one from our collection. I’d already mentioned to Kim that there was a chance she might be staying the night but that her daddy would telephone and let us know for certain. As the time ticked by her staying the night seemed increasingly likely, but then just before seven o’clock Andy telephoned.

  ‘I’m just about to leave the hospital. I’ll be with you in half an hour.’

  ‘OK, I’ll tell Kim. Do you know which house I live at?’ I thought to ask.

  ‘No, sorry, I’m not thinking straight.’

  I gave him my house number.

  ‘Thanks. Tell Kim I’ll see her soon.’

  I returned the phone to its cradle and told Kim what her father had said, and she met the news with a mixture of relief and disappointment, for most children like a sleepover. Also, I think being away from the very difficult and upsetting atmosphere that must have prevailed at home in recent months had given her some light relief.

  ‘You can come and stay overnight another time,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, when Mummy is better,’ she said, and returned to watching the rest of the film.

  It was really Paula’s bedtime now, and I knew it would be too late if I left putting her to bed until after Andy had collected Kim, so I told Paula it was time for bed and to say goodnight. She wasn’t pleased. ‘No!’ she said, screwing up her face, wanting to stay with Adrian and Kim. But she was tired – she’d had a busy day with going to the library as well – and I knew that, like most children, she’d become fractious if she grew overtired.

  ‘Say goodnight,’ I said a little more firmly. Taking her hand, I led her first to Adrian and then Kim, who both said goodnight and kissed her.

  ‘Night,’ she said, giving in to a yawn.

  We went upstairs and she yawned again as I washed and changed her ready for bed, then she fell asleep almost immediately. I’d just returned downstairs when the doorbell rang. It was Andy.

  ‘Cathy?’ he asked, for we hadn’t actually met.

  ‘Yes, come in.’

  ‘What a day,’ he sighed, stepping in. He looked drawn and tired and was wearing a suit, so I guessed he’d originally planned to go to work after he’d taken Laura to the doctor, but clearly that hadn’t happened.

  Kim heard his voice and rushed into the hall. ‘Daddy, Daddy!’ she cried and ran into his arms. ‘Where’s Mummy?’

  ‘She’s at the hospital,’ Andy said. ‘Having a sleep now. The doctors and nurses are looking after her, so don’t you worry.’ He hugged her hard.

  ‘Where’s Liam?’ she asked.

  ‘With your gran. She’s taken him home. I need to talk to Cathy and then we’ll go home too.’

  Clearly Andy wanted to talk away from the children. ‘Kim, you finish watching the film with Adrian while I speak to your daddy,’ I said. I led the way down the hall and into the living room where Andy said hello to Adrian. Kim returned to sit beside Adrian on the sofa.

  ‘Would you like a tea or coffee?’ I now asked Andy, showing him through to the kitchen-cum-diner.

  ‘Coffee, please.’

  He sat, or rather collapsed, into one of the chairs at the table, while I went into the kitchen and filled the kettle.

  ‘What a day,’ he said again with a heartfelt sigh, running his fingers through his hair. ‘Thanks for looking after Kim. I might need your help again tomorrow if that’s all right.’

  ‘Saturday? Yes. I haven’t any plans.’

  He sat back in the chair and stretched out his legs as though forcing himself to relax. ‘There’s been so much going on,’ he said. ‘I’ll try to explain, although from what Mum has told me I think you know some of it.’

  ‘I know Laura hasn’t been well,’ I said, glancing at him.

  He nodded. ‘But we didn’t realize how ill she was. We should never have let it go on for so long, I know that now. We should have got help sooner instead of letting it get to crisis point. Mum and I were up most of last night with Laura and I telephoned the doctor first thing this morning. He agreed to see Laura as an emergency, but then she wouldn’t leave Liam with Mum, so we all went. She was still acting odd in the surgery, saying ridiculous things and shouting and crying. When the doctor saw her he said she needed to see a psychiatrist and to go straight to hospital. We had to wait ages there and Laura got more and more confused and agitated. She was convinced everyone was out to get her, and we couldn’t calm her. She began screaming and then locked herself in the toilets with Liam. They had to use the emergency key to unlock the door and get her out. I w
anted Mum to take Liam home, but Laura clung to him and started shouting that Mum was trying to steal her baby. Then the psychiatrist came. He examined her and has made an initial diagnosis. I’m sure you won’t have heard of it – I hadn’t. It’s called postpartum psychosis.’

  I set the two cups of coffee on the table and sat opposite Andy.

  ‘It’s very serious then?’

  ‘Yes, very.’

  Chapter Thirteen

  Worry

  ‘The psychiatrist wanted to know Laura’s medical history,’ Andy continued, resting his elbows on the table for support. ‘I was honest and told him she’d suffered from depression after the birth of Kim. He questioned me as to why she hadn’t received medical help back then, and why we’d left it so long before going to the doctor’s now. He was very concerned and seemed to blame me. I guess I am to blame. I just let Mum get on with it. She helped Laura after she’d had Kim, so I assumed it would be OK now.’ He sighed. ‘He asked about Laura’s mother too, and I told him she’d once had a mental breakdown many years ago – after having Laura. I didn’t realize its significance until today. It wasn’t something we ever talked about.’ He sighed again and paused to drink his coffee.

  He was a tall man with broad shoulders that were now hunched forward under the burden of worry. I could see the likeness to his mother, and I thought he was probably used to being in control too, but he now looked a broken man.

  ‘It seems that a lot of this could have been avoided if we’d been honest with the doctor from the start,’ he said, returning his cup to the saucer, ‘instead of trying to hide it and deal with it ourselves. I should have been more involved and insisted Laura saw the doctor earlier, rather than going off to work each day and leaving Mum to deal with it.’ He sighed again and ran his hand absently through his hair, beating himself up over what should have been.

  ‘So Laura is staying in St Mary’s for now?’ I asked.

  ‘Just for tonight. She’s in the psychiatric wing, but they’re going to try to move her tomorrow. St Mary’s doesn’t have the facilities for a baby to stay, that’s why Mum and I had to bring Liam home. Laura fed him before we left. We’ll go back first thing in the morning. He’s used to having formula sometimes, so that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.’

  ‘And Laura didn’t mind you bringing Liam home without her?’ I asked, mindful that Andy had said she wouldn’t be separated from him.

  ‘She was asleep by the time we left, sedated. We didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t stay there.’

  I nodded and drank some of my coffee.

  ‘The psychiatrist explained that a few hospitals have specialist mother-and-baby units for women suffering from this type of condition,’ Andy continued. ‘But the admission has to be planned. You can’t just turn up. He’s making a referral today, so hopefully she can go tomorrow. It’s an hour’s drive away, but he’s assured us that it’s the best place for Laura to receive the specialist help she needs. As I say, it would probably never have reached this point if we’d got Laura help earlier. She could have stayed at home with medication and therapy.’ He drained his coffee and stared past me, deep in thought.

  ‘They’ll soon have her better,’ I offered. ‘Tell me how I can help.’

  He returned his gaze to me. ‘Yes. Mum and I will go to St Mary’s with Liam tomorrow, as soon as we’ve fed and changed him. We’ve been told not to get there before nine o’clock and to take a bag of clothes and essentials for Liam and whatever Laura needs. I’ll have to make a list. We don’t know what time she’ll be transferred and I don’t want Kim there hanging around all day. Also I don’t want her seeing her mum if she’s still very disturbed. It’s frightening. So could you look after Kim from about eight-thirty tomorrow morning? I know it’s asking a lot.’

  ‘Of course. No problem.’

  ‘Thank you. Assuming Laura is calmer, I’ll take Kim to visit her on Sunday at the mother-and-baby unit. Kim is going to miss Liam and her mum, but there’s no other way round it.’

  ‘She’s a sensible girl,’ I said. ‘She’ll understand once you’ve explained to her why her mother is there, and that you’ll be taking her to see her regularly. Do you know how long Laura will be kept in?’

  He shook his head. ‘We should know more in a few days when a full assessment has been made. Which reminds me, I need to phone Laura’s mother as soon as I go home to tell her what’s happened.’

  ‘She doesn’t know?’

  ‘No. She lives out of the area and works full-time. She saw Liam when he was a few days old but hasn’t seen him since. Laura has spoken to her on the phone, but I don’t think she’s told her how bad she’s been feeling. And recently we’ve been stopping her from phoning when she was distraught and saying ridiculous things.’ He sighed again. ‘Thanks, Cathy. I’d best be off now.’ He drained the last of his coffee and stood.

  We went into the living room where the film had finished and Adrian was proudly showing Kim his toy car transporter complete with cars. She was looking suitably impressed.

  ‘Come on, love, time to go home,’ Andy said to her.

  She stood and went over to her father and, tucking her arm through his, rested her head against him. Adrian came with us to the front door to see them out. The evening had grown dark early as fresh storm clouds rolled in. ‘See you tomorrow,’ I said. ‘Take care.’

  We watched them go down the path and then I closed the front door as the first clap of thunder sounded in the distance.

  That night Adrian and I had to hum Brahms’s ‘Lullaby’ a little louder over the noise of the storm, and I thought of Laura, alone in her hospital bed, and prayed she would get better very quickly.

  I was up and dressed the following morning earlier than usual for the weekend and ready for Kim’s arrival. The storm had passed in the night and the sky was clear, promising a fine day. Adrian and Paula were up too but still in their pyjamas when Andy arrived with Kim. Geraldine stayed with Liam in the car, parked outside, but looked in my direction with an almost friendly nod. I smiled.

  ‘I won’t come in,’ Andy said. ‘Kim understands that we need to get to the hospital as soon as possible. She’s brought some of her favourite toys and books.’

  ‘That’s great,’ I said, smiling at Kim. She came in with a small rucksack on her back, looking very sad. I touched her shoulder reassuringly.

  ‘She didn’t want any breakfast,’ Andy said.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ll fix her something when she’s ready.’

  ‘I’ve no idea what time we’ll be back, but I’ll phone you with an update as soon as I know something.’

  ‘OK. I might take them to the park later if the weather holds, so leave a message on the answerphone if I’m out.’

  ‘Will do. Bye then, love,’ he said to Kim. ‘Give me a kiss.’

  He bent down and Kim wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and smothered his face in kisses. He kissed her cheek and then gently unwrapped her arms from his neck and straightened. ‘Be good for Cathy,’ he said.

  ‘See you later,’ I said, taking Kim’s hand. I could see she was close to tears.

  I didn’t prolong their goodbye but closed the door as soon as he’d returned down the path to his car.

  ‘It’s lovely to have you with us for the day,’ I said positively to Kim with a cheerful smile. ‘Are you going to show us some of your toys? Then I’ll make you something to eat. We haven’t had our breakfast yet.’

  Kim gave a small, brave nod and slipped the rucksack from her shoulder, but then I saw her bottom lip tremble and her tears began to fall. ‘I want my mummy,’ she sobbed.

  ‘Oh, love,’ I said, putting my arm around her. ‘Don’t cry. The doctors and nurses are looking after your mummy. There’s no need to worry.’ But seeing a child upset is heartbreaking, and I felt my own eyes fill. Adrian and Paula were looking sad too.

  ‘Let’s go and have a seat in the living room,’ I said, and I took the three of them through. I sat Kim on the sofa be
side me. Adrian and Paula stood a little in front of us, looking at her.

  ‘I know I have to be brave for my daddy,’ Kim said through her tears. ‘But I can’t.’ I swallowed hard as Adrian’s eyes misted and Paula rubbed her eyes.

  ‘You two find something to do until Kim is better,’ I said to them. I didn’t think watching her was doing them or Kim any good. They sat on the floor by the toy box.

  ‘Why can’t Mummy and Liam come home?’ Kim asked with a sob. ‘I miss Mummy.’

  ‘Of course you do, love.’ I was sure her father would have explained the situation, but clearly Kim needed more reassurance. ‘Your mummy isn’t well at present,’ I said gently, taking her hand in mine. ‘She’s staying in hospital so the doctors can make her better.’

  ‘What’s wrong with Mummy? Daddy said she was ill, but that you couldn’t see she was ill because it was inside. Not like if you get a rash or have a cold. You can see those.’

  ‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘Mummy has an illness that has made her very unhappy. Perhaps you’ve seen her crying and staying in bed?’

  Kim nodded. ‘And she said some horrible things to Daddy, Gran and me. Daddy said that was because she was unwell.’

  ‘Yes, that’s right. So Mummy is staying in hospital while the doctors make her better. They’ll give her some medicine and then when she comes home she’ll be your old mummy again.’ Adrian glanced over and I threw him a reassuring smile.

  ‘Is it Liam’s fault Mummy is ill?’ Kim suddenly asked, wiping her eyes on her hand. I passed her a tissue. I guessed she’d either made this connection from something she’d overheard, or her father had tried to explain her mother’s illness, which was very difficult for a child to understand.