The Silent Cry

by Cathy Glass

  ‘No, it’s not Liam’s fault,’ I said. ‘When a woman has a baby lots of changes happen inside her body. They are caused by hormones, and sometimes some women have a bad reaction to all the hormones and changes. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just something that happens, and once the doctors know they can put it right.’

  ‘Like when I eat strawberries, I come up in a rash?’ Kim asked, brightening a little.

  I smiled. ‘Yes, it is a bit like that. You had a reaction to eating strawberries.’

  ‘Mummy says I mustn’t eat strawberries, but Gran forgot and gave me some. I don’t think Mummy should have any more babies if it makes her ill.’

  ‘Well, if your mummy does have another baby the doctors will know what to do next time to stop her from being ill,’ I said. ‘It’s nothing for you to worry about. Your daddy and gran are making sure your mummy is well looked after and has all the help she needs.’

  ‘I heard Daddy and Gran talking last night,’ Kim said, her brow furrowing. ‘They thought I was asleep. I think they were arguing, because Daddy’s voice sounded angry. He told Gran she should have told him sooner about the things Mummy was saying and doing. You know, the angry and frightening things she said sometimes. But I don’t want Daddy telling off Gran. I don’t like it.’

  ‘Your daddy was very worried last night, and tired,’ I said. ‘Sometimes when people are worried and tired they can say things they don’t really mean, and they are sorry afterwards. Your daddy and gran are friends this morning, aren’t they?’ She nodded. ‘So don’t worry. Is there anything else you want to ask me?’

  ‘I hope Mummy and Liam can come home soon.’

  ‘I think it will take a while,’ I said. ‘The doctors will want to make sure your mummy is completely better, but your daddy is hoping to take you to see her and Liam tomorrow.’

  She nodded and managed a small smile. ‘I know. He told me that.’

  ‘Good girl.’ I took a fresh tissue and wiped away the last of her tears. ‘Are you ready for some breakfast now? I’m going to make a cooked breakfast.’

  ‘I’m not really hungry,’ she said.

  ‘What about some cereal or toast or a piece of fruit?’ She shook her head. ‘I think you need something.’

  ‘Can I have a banana, please?’ she said quietly.

  ‘Of course. And perhaps you’ll have something else when it’s ready. Now, you could show Adrian and Paula the toys and books you’ve brought with you while I make breakfast.’

  Kim picked up her rucksack and opened it as Adrian and Paula moved closer for a better look. I left the three of them sitting in a circle on the floor as Kim proudly showed them a new book and a game of Guess Who? In the kitchen it wasn’t long before Toscha was purring around my legs as the enticing smell of bacon rose from the grill. I cooked extra in case Kim changed her mind and wanted some, and I also slipped a rasher into Toscha’s bowl. I scrambled eggs, lightly fried some sliced tomatoes and popped some bread in the toaster. Once it was all ready I called everyone to the table and told Kim there was extra if she wanted some, but she just had a banana and a drink of milk. She was quiet at the table but did say that her daddy liked a cooked breakfast at the weekend too when he had time to eat it.

  After breakfast the children played first in the house and then in the garden. I took out drinks and a small snack of cheese and biscuits mid-morning, and Kim had some. She asked a couple of times during the morning if her daddy had telephoned and I said I thought it was too soon, but that we could hear the telephone ring from the garden. Although Kim hadn’t eaten much breakfast, she ate a reasonable lunch of cheese pasta and salad, and after lunch I suggested we go to our local park. Kim knew the park from living in the same street; her parents took her there. It was about a fifteen-minute walk. Just before we left – at a little before two o’clock – Andy telephoned.

  ‘The paperwork for the transfer has only just been completed,’ he said. ‘So we’ll be leaving St Mary’s shortly to go to the mother-and-baby unit. I’ll phone you once Laura is settled and before we leave to come home. Can I speak to Kim, please?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  I passed the handset to her and she listened carefully while her daddy spoke. He must have told her something about her mother, for she asked, ‘Can I speak to her?’ She was silent again and then replied, ‘Tell Mummy and Liam I love them.’ She then said goodbye, replaced the handset in its cradle and looked at me with a small smile. ‘Mummy told Daddy to tell me she loves me loads. And I’m definitely going to see her tomorrow.’

  ‘That’s fantastic,’ I said. I guessed Laura was less distraught now or Andy wouldn’t have confirmed the visit.

  Our trip to the park was a success. Adrian and Kim played on all the apparatus while I took Paula into the adjacent toddler section, which had smaller swings, a low seesaw and rocking horses. I bought us all a drink, and ice creams for the children, from the park café, and it was about four o’clock when we started for home. The children were pleasantly tired from playing in the park and, once home, collapsed on the sofa. I let them watch some television while I fed Toscha and made our dinner. I didn’t know what time Andy and Geraldine would be returning to collect Kim, so I was carrying on my day as usual.

  It was a little after six o’clock and we’d just finished eating when Andy telephoned again. ‘Laura is settled in the unit,’ he said. ‘It’s a nice place. We’ll be leaving soon. We should be with you at about seven o’clock. I won’t speak to Kim now, but tell her we’re on our way and Mummy sends her love.’

  ‘I will,’ I said. Andy sounded far less stressed.

  I told Kim what her father had said and she looked at the clock. ‘That’s about an hour,’ I said.

  She returned to the game she was playing with Adrian and I took Paula up for her bath and bed. It was a while before Paula settled, but Andy was later than he’d thought and didn’t arrive until 7.30 p.m. By that time I was downstairs again in the living room, watching Adrian and Kim playing another game of Guess Who? Kim came with me to answer the front door, eager to see her father again. Geraldine was with him.

  ‘Come in,’ I welcomed.

  Kim fell into her father’s arms. ‘I’ve missed you,’ she said.

  ‘I’ve missed you too,’ he said, scooping her up and kissing her cheek.

  ‘I’ve missed you more,’ Kim said, covering his cheek in kisses.

  Geraldine looked on, slightly disapproving of this open display of affection. I thought she may have been brought up differently, where the expression of feelings and emotions wasn’t encouraged.

  ‘Can I finish my game of Guess Who?’ Kim asked her father as he set her down.

  ‘Yes, as long as it doesn’t take too long.’

  ‘Would you like a tea or a coffee?’ I asked as we went down the hall to the living room.

  ‘No, I’m fine, thanks, Cathy,’ Andy said. ‘What about you, Mum?’

  ‘No, thank you,’ she said stiffly. Perhaps she wanted to go straight home.

  Geraldine and Andy sat on the sofa and I took an easy chair as Kim returned to finish the game. She and Adrian were perched on stools either side of the coffee table. From where I was sitting I could see the game from both sides. Kim was clearly winning, but I didn’t say anything.

  ‘So the transfer to the mother-and-baby unit went all right then?’ I asked Andy and Geraldine.

  ‘Yes,’ Andy said. ‘It’s a lovely place, set in the grounds of a teaching hospital. There are only six bedrooms and each one is like a small studio flat, with a bed, cot, baby-changing facilities, shelves, carpet and curtains. There’s a call button in each room if the woman needs help and they are supported and monitored day and night. They share a kitchen, bathroom and laundry room. And there’s a communal lounge with a television. The staff are very friendly and there’s always at least two nurses on duty. The doctor and psychiatrist are on call and they see the patients regularly. It’s not home, obviously, but much better than the hospital, and of cou
rse Laura can have Liam with her. She was so pleased to see him this morning.’

  ‘I bet she was,’ I said.

  ‘We had a short meeting with the doctor before we left. I’ll see him and other members of the care team next week for an update after the assessment. They encourage family to be involved, so we can visit any afternoon and evening. But I have to work and they understand that. We’ll spend all tomorrow afternoon there, but Mum doesn’t drive, so next week we’ll have to go as soon as I’m home from work.’

  Kim looked up at her father. Although she’d been concentrating on the game, I knew she’d been taking in every word. ‘Am I going to visit Mummy in the evening as well?’ she asked, concerned.

  ‘Yes, of course, love,’ Andy said. ‘That’s as important as me seeing her.’

  ‘It’s going to be a lot of driving for you, going every night after work,’ Geraldine said to him.

  Andy shrugged. ‘It can’t be helped, Mum. I’ll leave work early. They’ll understand. The average stay in the unit is about two months, so hopefully Laura won’t be in for long, although women can stay for up to twelve months if necessary.’

  Kim was looking serious again. ‘Twelve months is a year, Daddy,’ she said.

  ‘Yes, but Mummy will be better before then,’ he said.

  Reassured, Kim returned her attention to the game.

  ‘The staff are very supportive,’ he said to me. ‘They’re specialists and know how to deal with odd or distressing behaviour. Mum and I feel far more positive now than we did yesterday. Laura’s a bit drowsy from the medication, but the doctor explained that it would be adjusted and then reduced as she recovers.’

  I nodded. ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like a tea or coffee?’ I offered.

  ‘No, thank you, we must be going,’ Geraldine said.

  ‘Once Kim has finished her game, Mum,’ Andy replied firmly. I saw Geraldine’s lips tighten.

  ‘When you see Laura tomorrow please give her my love,’ I said. ‘I’ve bought her a few chocolates.’ I passed him the box I’d bought on the way back from the park.

  ‘Thank you, that’s kind of you,’ Andy said, and Geraldine nodded stiffly.

  ‘Do you want me to tell Fran what’s happened?’ I asked. ‘She’s a close friend of Laura’s and she’s been worried about her.’

  Geraldine looked pointedly at Andy, cautioning him that she shouldn’t be told, but Andy said, ‘Yes, Laura’s mentioned Fran, and I’ve met her a couple of times. Please explain, and tell her Laura will phone her when she feels up to it.’

  ‘I will,’ I said. ‘And if Laura would like a visit from me, do let me know.’

  ‘I will. Although I’m hoping she won’t be in for long.’

  Geraldine was sitting upright with a sanctimonious, disapproving look on her face, but gone were the days when mental-health problems went unacknowledged and the sufferer was shut away. Of course Fran, as Laura’s friend, would want to know how she was, and doubtless she’d want to visit her too, just as I did.

  ‘Winner!’ Kim cried, revealing the last tile on the game.

  ‘Well done,’ I said. ‘Well played, both of you.’

  Geraldine immediately stood, eager to be off, and told Kim to quickly help pack away the game.

  ‘It’s all right,’ I said. ‘I’ll do it later.’

  Andy and Kim also stood and I saw them out. It was nearly eight-thirty and time for Adrian to go to bed. Adrian is a sensitive child, but like many boys he often hides his feelings. It wasn’t until I was lying on his bed beside him and we were having our little chat last thing at night that he confessed something that had been worrying him. Even then, he didn’t come straight to the point.

  ‘Is it only mummies with very young babies who have what Kim’s mummy has?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘So you wouldn’t have to go into hospital? Paula’s too old.’

  ‘No. It wouldn’t happen to me now.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ he asked. ‘Because Daddy is working away and there wouldn’t be anyone here to look after us like Kim’s daddy is doing.’

  ‘Adrian,’ I said, hugging him, ‘stop worrying. If I had to go into hospital for any reason, your daddy would come straight home. And what about your nana and grandpa? Have you forgotten them? They’d look after you if I wasn’t well, wouldn’t they?’

  ‘Oh yes, silly me,’ he said with an embarrassed smile.

  ‘I’m glad you told me what was on your mind,’ I said, holding him close.

  But I was reminded how easily a young child could worry and fret, even if they felt secure and well loved.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Gina

  On Sunday we went to my parents’ house for the day. We tend to take it in turns – they come to us and then we go to them. They’re the archetypal loving grandparents who dote on their grandchildren and spoil them with their time and affection. They also welcome into their home and hearts any child or children I am fostering. As was usual for a Sunday, Mum cooked a full roast for dinner, followed by her delicious homemade apple pie with melt-in-your-mouth pastry, served with lashings of warm custard. We ate ourselves to a standstill. The weather wasn’t so good, but we managed a short walk after dinner and then spent the rest of the afternoon playing games indoors. My parents have endless enthusiasm and patience for even the most trivial and repetitive of children’s games, whether it is pushing a line of toy cars around and around the living-room floor, creating domino runs and watching them fall, or role-playing superheroes – Batman and Robin, and so forth.

  We left around six o’clock after a sandwich tea and returned home in plenty of time for John’s phone call from America. He spoke to Adrian first, then Paula and me. His contract had eight weeks to run and then he would be home, hopefully for good. Five minutes after we’d finished speaking to him the phone rang again. ‘We’re popular tonight,’ I said to Adrian as I picked up the handset in the living room. It was Shelley.

  ‘Hi, love, great to hear from you,’ I said. ‘How are you both?’

  ‘Fantastic. Couldn’t be better.’ She sounded really upbeat. ‘I thought you’d like to know how my visit to Carol’s went.’

  ‘Yes, indeed. I have been wondering.’

  ‘It was perfect. Carol is lovely, just like I remember her. She was so pleased to see me, and so were her family. They were all there when we arrived and they kissed and hugged Darrel and me as we went in like we were family. I said I was sorry that I hadn’t kept in touch, but they were OK about that. They said they’d often thought about me and wondered how I was doing. I was really touched. Carol is still fostering and she’s looking after a really stroppy teenager at present, Chantelle. She was there and she had a right face on her. She’s fourteen and reminded me of how I was at her age. I told her she needed to lighten up and appreciate all Carol was doing for her. Carol was nearly in tears when I said that.’

  I knew exactly how Carol must have felt.

  ‘Chantelle said she wanted a baby like me, so when Carol was out of the room I gave her a good talking to. I told her that although I love Darrel loads I wish I’d waited to have him until I had a career and flat of my own. I don’t know if she was listening, but I had to say something. I know how she feels – that having a baby will make you feel loved – but it’s not the answer, and I told her how difficult it was bringing up a child alone.’

  ‘That was sensible,’ I said.

  ‘Maybe she was listening, I don’t know. Carol’s own kids are all grown up and her eldest daughter was there with her fiancé. They’re both teachers and they’re getting married next year. She said I could go to her wedding, as long as I kept in touch. Which of course I will do.’ Shelley chuckled. ‘I feel like I’ve got a family. I’ve never had a family of my own. Carol even said I could go there next Christmas. I know it’s a long way off – seven months – but I’m already looking forward to it. I told her Darrel and I had spent Christmas alone last year and she was sad and said that would
never happen again. I’m going to start buying one present a week for Christmas. I can afford that and I want to give them all a little something.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you,’ I said. ‘Although I’m sure Carol won’t expect it.’

  ‘No, she was over the moon with the box of chocolates I gave her. Thank goodness I got back in touch. Thanks to you.’

  ‘Thanks to you,’ I said, ‘for making that phone call. Well done.’

  ‘I’ve made another important phone call too,’ Shelley said, bubbling with excitement. ‘To the lady who runs the choir.’

  ‘Excellent. Tell me what happened.’

  ‘I’m going for the first time next week. It took me a while to pluck up the courage to phone, but Jenny, the choir mistress, sounded really nice. It’s not an audition; you just have to go each week and be able to sing. Jenny said they could do with some more young voices in the choir, as some of their members are getting on a bit.’ She laughed. ‘It’s Tuesday. I’m nervous, but I will go. I’ve promised myself I will.’

  ‘Good. I’m sure they’ll be really pleased to have you, Shelley. You’ve got a beautiful voice. Are you all right for a sitter for Darrel?’

  ‘Yes. My friend is going to stay with him. It’s only from seven o’clock till nine, so I won’t be too long. I’m nervous, but I’m also looking forward to singing with others. Do you and Adrian still sing the lullabies?’

  ‘I wouldn’t call it singing,’ I said with a laugh. ‘But we do our best. We always think of you and Darrel when we hum Brahms’s “Lullaby”.’

  ‘That’s nice. We think of you too. Darrel is here beside me. Can he speak to Adrian? He’s learning to use the phone.’

  ‘Yes of course.’

  I passed the handset to Adrian.

  ‘Hello,’ Adrian said.

  There was a long pause before Darrel said hello, and thereafter the conversation was rather one-sided, with Adrian, that much older and more confident in using the telephone, doing most of the talking. After a few minutes they said goodbye. Not wanting to be left out, Paula asked to ‘speak’ to Darrel too, so Shelley put him on again. There was silence. ‘Say hello to Darrel,’ I encouraged.