Yup. He was exactly like David Wiffle.
16
Amphora’s Hidden Talent
After Despina, Hill, and Jeffrey had left (at last!), Amanda remembered that it was almost time for Professor Kindseth’s 3D printing seminar and asked Ivy to meet her at the common room first. And oh no, Simon and Clive had gone into town to look for zombies. They were going to miss the class.
She took out her phone and pressed Simon’s icon. It took him a while to pick up.
“You wouldn’t believe what’s going on down here,” he said.
“What?” she said. “Is something wrong, Simon?” She could see Ivy enter the room and emphasized Simon’s name so her friend would know what was going on.
“Nope, not wrong,” he said. “Hilarious.”
“He says nothing’s wrong,” said Amanda, putting her hand over the phone.
“Oh, good,” said Ivy, letting out a breath.
“What do you mean hilarious?” said Amanda turning back to the phone. “Do you realize Professor Kindseth’s 3D printing seminar is going to start at noon?”
“Nuts,” said Simon. “I forgot.” His voice got softer as he turned away. “Hey, Clive, we’ve gotta go.”
“Now?” Amanda could hear Clive say in the background.
“Yup,” said Simon. “Too bad too, because this is quite entertaining.”
“What are you talking about?” said Amanda.
Simon’s voice got louder again. “Amphora is here and she’s directing traffic.”
Yeah, right. “What?” said Amanda. She was getting annoyed with him and they hadn’t been on the phone for thirty seconds.
“What’s going on?” said Ivy. She looked worried.
“Simon says Amphora is directing traffic in Windermere,” said Amanda.
“What?” said Ivy. “Has she been hit by a car?”
“She’s pretty good at it too,” said Simon.
“Have you lost your mind?” said Amanda. She leaned over to Ivy and said, “Amphora’s fine.” Ivy squeezed Amanda’s hand.
“Only when I kissed you,” said Simon.
“Man, that was something,” said Clive in the background.
“It was not!” yelled Amanda. Would he give it a rest already?
“Simon kissed you?” said Ivy.
“You can hear him?” said Amanda.
“Of course,” said Ivy. “When did he kiss you? Did it hurt?”
“You know you wanted it,” said Simon. “And I heard that, Ivy. I think you should be fined for that.”
“No way, Simon,” said Ivy. She leaned over to Amanda and said again, “Simon kissed you? Tell me more!”
Amanda whispered, “Yes, but it was a joke,” then turned back to the phone. “Look,” she said, “I called you as a favor. Don’t be a jerk or next time I’ll let you miss the class.”
“Sorry,” said Simon. “That wasn’t nice of me. I’ll give Ivy a pound.”
“See that you do,” said Amanda.
“I wasn’t lying, Amanda. Amphora’s right there in the middle of the street directing traffic.”
Hm. It sounded true. “How did that happen?” said Amanda, trying to imagine what that would look like. Cars whirling around Amphora, people screaming at her to get out of the way, pedestrians caught in the middle of the street, collisions left and right.
Ivy laughed. “They’d better get her out of there ASAP.”
“Hang on,” said Simon. “We’re going to have to do the unthinkable or we’ll be late. I’m hailing a taxi.”
“You’re not,” said Amanda. Simon was not philosophically opposed to taxis. Only financially.
“Sorry, what were you saying?” said Simon.
“Can you put Clive on?” said Amanda.
“Don’t you want to talk to me?” said Simon.
“Not if you’re going to hail cabs in my ear I don’t,” said Amanda.
“Wait, here it is,” said Simon. His voice got quieter. “We’re just getting in.” Clunk, thup. “Legatum Continuatum up on the hill.” Then louder, “Sorry. I was just telling the driver where to go. So as I was saying, we ran into Amphora here in town. It seems that she was looking for zombies too.”
“Did you guys see any?” said Amanda.
“That we did. Well, she did.”
“I don’t understand.” She wished he’d get on with it already.
“I’m trying to explain,” said Simon. “So she sees this zombie and tries to follow him but she loses him in a crowd of tourists, right? She gets really frustrated, and then she sees Harry Sheriff with this girl—”
“Harry Sheriff?” said Amanda. Was Harry actually helping the school during the summer or was he just hanging around trawling for girls? That was all he ever seemed to do. “What did the girl look like?”
“I don’t like him,” said Ivy, frowning.
“Me either,” said Amanda. “He’s always grinning at me. And winking.”
“Why?” said Ivy.
“No idea,” said Amanda.
“I didn’t see her,” said Simon. “Anyway, she tries to get a good look because she has this thing about the guy—”
“Harry? Not the zombie.”
“Of course Harry,” said Simon. “So she starts following him and this girl and they’re kissing all over the place—not as good as me, of course—“
“Is Simon a good kisser?” said Ivy. Amanda ignored her.
“And then she sees a car break down in the middle of an intersection and it’s an old lady and she’s afraid to get out of the car, so Amphora calls the police but the traffic is getting all messed up so she starts directing it. Meanwhile, the woman is still in the car and the police haven’t arrived, but now that Amphora has it under control the traffic is moving smoothly. You should see.”
“Show me,” said Amanda. That wasn’t what she pictured at all. No offense to Amphora.
“I’m not there anymore,” said Simon.
“Oh, right,” said Amanda. “I don’t suppose you took any snaps.”
“But I did,” said Simon. “I forgot. When I hang up I’ll send you some.” He seemed to have moved away from the mic. Probably trying to talk and send the pictures at the same time.
“Don’t worry about it,” said Amanda. “You can show me later. That is funny though.”
“I’ll say,” yelled Clive in the background. “I thought she was going to be hit by a car at one point, but this guy just pulled up and made a kissing mouth at her and drove off. Then Eustace came with his tram—”
“She didn’t do anything weird, did she?” said Amanda. She could envision Amphora being distracted and getting herself killed. When she had a crush on a guy, which was all the time, she was very absent-minded.
“To Eustace?” said Simon. His voice was so loud he almost broke her eardrums. “Nah, she was too busy. He just waved and she just waved and that was it. Hey, we’re here. See you in a few.”
The call ended. Ivy burst into raucous laughter.
“I never heard anything so ridiculous,” she said. “Amphora directing traffic? I’ll bet she was furious.” She was doubled over holding her stomach.
“Why?” said Amanda. “She likes being important.”
“Traffic cop is not considered important, especially by detectives,” Ivy managed to squeeze out. She was laughing so hard snot was coming out of her nose.
“Ivy!” said Amanda. “You sound like a snob.”
“You know I’m not a snob. But she is. Oh, this is so gross.”
“I see your point,” said Amanda. “Here, have a tissue.” She felt in her bag and pulled out a crumpled one. It seemed clean, so she handed it to Ivy, who promptly dropped it.
“What point?” said Amphora, entering the dining room, shocking them half to death. “What’s so funny?”
“I thought you were in Windermere,” said Amanda. Ivy snuffled. She was still laughing—and other things.
“I was,” said Amphora breathlessly. “I saw this zombie but he got
away from me. He was absolutely terrifying.”
“What happened?” said Ivy.
“Nothing happened,” said Amphora. “It was the way he looked. All wild-eyed and ghoulish—kind of like an extreme version of Professor Hoxby.” She held her hands around her head as if to simulate messed up hair.
Amanda and Ivy just about burst. The pathology teacher was awfully purple, and just a bit scary looking. Nice man, though, although rumor had it that he slept in a coffin.
“I don’t suppose you got a picture,” said Amanda.
“Oh, sorry,” said Amphora. “Why didn’t I think of that?”
“Could you draw him?” said Ivy.
“I think so,” said Amphora.
“We’re going to the 3D printing seminar right now,” said Amanda. “Do you want to come?”
“Is Simon going to be there?” Amanda couldn’t believe she was going to be so petty. If she kept avoiding Simon, she’d miss half of what Legatum had to offer.
“Yes,” said Ivy cheerfully.
“Then I’d rather work on my drawing,” said Amphora.
“Oh, come on,” said Amanda. “This is useful stuff.”
“No, thanks,” said Amphora. “Zombies are more important.”
“Suit yourself,” said Amanda. It was her life. If she wanted to fritter it away it was her business.
On the way to the seminar Amanda got an idea. She stopped walking so abruptly that a kid behind her almost ran into her. Fortunately it wasn’t Harry. “Do you suppose zombies killed Crocodile?”
“What?” said Ivy incredulously. She and Nigel came to a rather more gentle stop.
“Eustace and I saw one in Ulverston. Near Crocodile’s flat.”
“You’re losing it, Amanda. There are no such things as zombies.”
“Of course I don’t really think they’re zombies. But what if they’re a gang of some kind?”
Ivy thought about that. “Seems an odd way for a gang to look, although of course I haven’t seen them.”
“It might be a thing around here,” said Amanda. England was a much stranger place than L.A. It had all that history, for one thing, and all those little villages. How did she know what weird people might be lurking about?
“A thing?”
“Not a thing?” said Amanda. “I don’t know. It’s just that they seem to be everywhere and no one can tell us anything about them. Maybe it’s a cult.”
“Could be,” said Ivy. “Probably not a murderous one though.”
“Let’s hope you’re right.”
17
Gordon, I Could Kiss You
The 3D printing seminar was awesome. Professor Kindseth showed them how to make a skateboard wheel, a slider game, and five different types of keys, including one that looked just like Wink Wiffle’s and another he claimed was a skeleton key that would open all the doors in 17th century houses, which of course were much more common in the UK than Los Angeles. Fortunately David hadn’t been there or he might have got upset about the lockbox key, which probably would have started a whole new round of sulking. Not that he wasn’t entitled.
Amanda was still wondering about the whole bee theft thing Crocodile had been involved in and trying to figure out whether it had had anything to do with Wink’s death—or Crocodile’s. Was it possible that Wink had learned something he shouldn’t have? Maybe it was time to do some more snooping around. Come to think of it, it might be a good idea to build a timeline and see if they could figure out where Wink and Crocodile had been at any given time.
Of course there was still that obscure sheet of numbers she and Eustace had found in Crocodile’s flat. She wasn’t able to make heads or tails of it, but maybe the other kids could. She decided to call an impromptu meeting in the common room, minus Holmes. Ever since the whole “He must be such a good boyfriend” incident, Amanda had been avoiding him even more than usual. Of course they were still making the film together, so she couldn’t escape him altogether.
The meeting comprised Amanda, Ivy and Nigel, Simon, Clive, Amphora, and Gordon. The whole time Amanda kept getting texts and pictures from Despina, who seemed to think she wanted a minute-by-minute travelogue. She was tempted to block her cousin, but she was afraid Despina would have a fit.
The first thing the “committee” did was review the task list.
“What’s this ‘Speak to David Wiffle’ thing?” said Gordon, knocking his knees together. Amanda wanted to grab them and hold them still.
“Thrillkill wanted to talk to David about what happened,” she said.
“He’s already done that,” said Gordon.
“Oh?” said Ivy.
“David wouldn’t tell me much, but he was pretty grumpy about it,” said Gordon. “He yelled at me.” He knocked faster.
“He wasn’t expelled, was he?” said Amphora. “Hey, could you stop that thing with your knees? It’s making the sofa shake.”
Amanda was grateful that Amphora had said something. Let her be the target of Gordon’s fussing.
“Of course not,” said Gordon, stopping the knocking. Amphora could be intimidating. That was probably why he didn’t mouth off to her. “Wiffles don’t get expelled.”
Oh, right. No matter what they do because they’re so important. Amanda glanced at Amphora but couldn’t read her face.
“Anyway you can cross it off,” said Gordon.
“Why aren’t zombies on the list?” said Amphora.
“Thrillkill doesn’t know about them,” said Amanda. “Besides, we’re not even sure they’re a thing.”
“They are,” said Amphora, shoving her drawing in front of the group. It was skillfully done.
“Yikes,” said Clive. “That’s one scary dude.”
“I’ll say,” said Simon. “Way worse than what I’ve seen.”
“Tell me,” said Ivy.
“Rotten-looking, sores all over its face, oily hair hanging down in strings, discolored mouth, sunken eyes, just terrible,” said Amanda. “Ew, is that slime?”
“The perfect zombie,” said Clive. What was it with boys and zombies anyway? Zombies, ghouls, vampires, werewolves, superheroes. Sure, they were okay for a while, but then they got boring. They were always the same. That was one reason Amanda had never wanted to make a horror movie. And yet, Clive had touched a nerve. The perfect zombie. Maybe these creatures were actually different.
“Wait a minute—what did you say?” she said.
“I said the perfect zombie.”
“Hm,” said Amanda. “Maybe a little too perfect.”
“What do you mean?” said Ivy.
“I think these are more than ordinary zombies.”
“Ordinary zombies?” said Amphora. “What’s an ordinary zombie?”
“I think these aren’t zombies and they’re not homeless people,” said Amanda. “They look different from both—like they have a disease, maybe. Something weird is going on and we’re going to get to the bottom of it.”
“Do you think this has anything to do with the rainbows?” said Clive.
“The broken rainbows?” said Amanda. “Who knows? Maybe we’d better back up and review everything. I’m starting to get all mixed up.”
Amanda and Simon filled the others in on everything that had been happening since they’d returned to campus. Amanda even mentioned Manny, Jackie, and Mr. Onion, as well as Celerie Wiffle and Andalusia Sweetgum.
“Wow,” said Clive. “I had no idea all this was going on.”
“You forgot something,” said Simon.
“No, I didn’t,” said Amanda, glaring at him. He’d better not say anything about that kiss. Apparently Ivy was thinking the same thing because she chuckled.
“What?” said Amphora.
“Nothing,” said Amanda. “Simon is mistaken. Now, what I think we should do is this: go down the list in order. It’s the only way to keep things from getting all tangled up.”
“They’re already tangled up,” said Amphora.
“Yes, but worse,” said A
manda.
“Okay,” said Amphora. “Where is Blixus?”
Of course the whereabouts of Blixus, Editta, and the roommates had to be the most difficult of the questions. The local police had found the white van the Moriartys had been driving at the quarry, but it had been devoid of clues and led them nowhere. Same with the boat, The Falls, they’d sailed up from London. Jeffrey Lestrade had been looking all over the city and had come up empty. It seemed that the trail had gone cold.
Wait a minute, thought Amanda. Jeffrey Lestrade. The man was an idiot, but wasn’t he supposed to be on the Moriartys’ trail? What was he doing in the Lake District? He didn’t have time for archaeology tours. Something was up.
“Blixus is here,” said Amanda. Everyone stared at her.
“What, at Legatum?” said Amphora. Amanda could see that she was getting scared again. She wondered if meditation might help. Amphora couldn’t go through life being afraid of her own shadow. She’d certainly never be a detective if she didn’t do something about her phobias.
“I don’t think so,” said Amanda. “But he’s close by.”
“What makes you say that?” said Clive.
“Inspector Lestrade.”
“Your ancestor?” said Simon.
“No, the new one.”
“There’s a new one?” said Gordon.
“My cousin Jeffrey,” sighed Amanda. “He’s a fool. But here’s the thing. He’s looking for Blixus, and he’s in Windermere. He knows something. Otherwise he’d still be in London.”
“Nice work,” said Simon. “I’ll bet you’re right. That’s an excellent clue.” He seemed excited. Well, as excited as he ever got.
“Of course Cumbria is a big place,” she said. It was: 2600-ish square miles, the third-largest county in England.
“Yes, but it’s better than chasing all over Europe,” said Ivy.
“I wonder how long he’s going to be here, though,” said Amanda.
“Can’t say,” said Simon. “We have to move fast. What else do we know?”
“Crocodile!” said Amanda. She was on a roll. The ideas were flooding her brain now. Maybe the 3D printing seminar had primed it.
Amanda Lester, Detective Box Set Page 86