‘About what?’
‘About us. About how we can make this work – you, me and Rico. We’re a family now, babe. The three of us. We’re a family.’
She shook her head, looking down at her feet because meeting his eyes was painful. ‘It wouldn’t be fair, Ryan.’
‘Why not let me be the judge of what’s fair and what isn’t?’
‘Because that in itself isn’t fair, don’t you get it?’
‘What I get, Amber, is that you’re pushing me away because you can’t move on. You can’t fucking forget him, and I know that’s hard, because he’s here all the time…’
‘Which is why I need to get away, Ryan.’
‘You need to get over him. If he doesn’t want you, why are you wasting your time? Why are you even bothering to give him any thought at all. Amber, I love you. I love you, and I want this to work… I want us to work. I don’t want you to leave because you need to get away from him, I don’t want you to do that.’
‘Ryan…’ His mouth touching hers stopped her mid-sentence. Not that she’d had any idea what she’d been going to say anyway. And it felt nice, his kiss. His mouth was soft against hers, their lips moving together in a perfect rhythm, and for a few seconds Amber once more lost herself in that kiss. She allowed herself a few seconds to think about how it could be, if she was to just let it happen. The past few months had been good. Ryan had changed so much from that man she’d first encountered a couple of years ago. He was different now. He’d grown up, learnt to control himself; overcome his demons. And she was proud of him. He’d helped her through a crazy, unpredictable time in her life when, at times, she’d thought it was all crashing down around her. And she’d honestly thought she could love him again and that they finally stood a chance after everything that had managed to get in the way before. But now she wasn’t so sure. She just couldn’t be sure any more. And what he didn’t deserve was her making him think something could happen, if it really wasn’t going to.
‘I love you,’ he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘I know, baby. I know you do.’ Why couldn’t she love him back? Why couldn’t she do that? It would make everything so much easier if she could just do that.
‘Then let’s go home and talk about this. Rico can stay with your dad and we can…’
She shook her head, pulling away from him. ‘No, Ryan. I’m sorry… Look, if you want to take Rico tonight, just talk to my dad. He’s got all the baby stuff, and if you want to take him…’
He grabbed her hand as she started to walk away, stopping her in her tracks. But she didn’t turn around when he spoke. She couldn’t. She wasn’t even sure she could look at him now without the guilt overwhelming her. ‘I love you, Amber. Just remember that.’
She gently pulled her hand away from his and almost ran down the corridor, pushing open the doors that led out into the main reception so hard she almost flung them off their hinges, so desperate was her need to get away from that situation.
Stepping out into the almost empty, and thankfully cool, reception area, she walked over to the huge floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the main entrance, watching as the last of the derby-day crowd hung around outside, waiting to see if they could catch a glimpse of any of the players leaving.
‘Did that kiss mean anything?’
She felt a shiver run up her spine as his hand lightly touched the small of her back, staying there for a brief second or two. But he stayed behind her; she could feel him standing there, even if he wasn’t touching her now.
‘He loves me, Jim.’
‘But you don’t love him back.’
She couldn’t argue with that. She couldn’t lie, what would be the point? ‘I do love him.’
‘But you’re not in love with him. Are you?’
She kept her gaze on the now-dwindling crowd outside. ‘Not here, Jim.’
‘Then come with me. Somewhere we can talk.’
‘You still think there’s something to talk about?’
She felt him lean in towards her again, his breath warm on her cheek as he whispered in her ear. ‘Yes. I do.’ His hand was resting in the small of her back again, and she felt that shiver return, her stomach diving down and flipping over. ‘I shouldn’t have touched you, Amber. Before. I shouldn’t have done that. Because now I need to do it all over again. I need to hold you, to feel you – to come inside you. All over again.’
She closed her eyes, hoping that when she opened them he’d be gone, that he’d never really been there because she didn’t need this. She didn’t. This wasn’t how things were supposed to have worked out. She was supposed to have stayed with Ryan, had his baby and tried to make a go of it. Tried to settle down. But she should have known, from the second Jim Allen had walked back into her life, that that was never going to happen. How could it? When he took over everything, invaded her every waking thought, whether she was aware of it or not. When he was always there. Always. And he’d been there for over twenty years now. How was she supposed to forget all of that?
‘Don’t do this, Jim. Please.’ She turned around, looking up into his eyes. ‘This has come out of nowhere…’
‘Has it?’ His eyes never left hers, his hand reaching out to gently touch her cheek. ‘You know where I am. If you need me.’
She felt that all-too-familiar wave of confusion wash over her once more as she watched him walk away, out of the ground. Her first love. Her ex-husband. Her obsession.
‘What did he want?’ Ronnie asked, sidling up beside her, his gaze following Amber’s.
‘Nothing.’
‘You use that word a lot, as far as answers to questions are concerned.’
She turned to face him. ‘Okay. Well, maybe I should expand on that answer, then. It’s got nothing to do with you.’
‘Nice.’
She threw herself down into one of the chairs that graced the huge entrance atrium, leaning her head right back and letting out a quiet but heavy sigh. ‘How the hell did I end up here?’
Ronnie sat down on the arm of the chair, clasping his hands together. ‘Because you never really were as strong as you thought you were.’
Amber glared at him.
‘As far as men are concerned. As far as one man is concerned.’
She sat up, dropping her head into her hands and burying her fingers in her hair, letting loose another frustrated groan. ‘Two years ago I was happy, Ronnie. I had a great job, independence, a life I could control… and now look at me. I’m nothing but an over-emotional wreck with a complicated, fucked-up life!’
‘You’ve got an incredible career, Amber. And you’ve got Rico. There’s nothing fucked-up or complicated about that.’
She looked at him again. ‘Rico is the best thing that ever happened to me, Ronnie. He’s the only thing I’ve got right in the past few months. But I’m not talking about my career, or my baby. They’re good, I know they are. It’s everything else that’s fucked-up.’
‘So, like I said, do something about it.’
‘Like what?’
‘Jesus, Amber, what are we on here? Some kind of loop? I don’t know, kiddo. Just… follow your heart, okay?’
‘Follow my heart…’ She trailed off, looking outside. Jim was standing at the bottom of the steps that led up to the entrance, talking to a small group of fans. He was laughing, and she felt her stomach twist and turn again as he threw his head back, laughing some more.
Ronnie’s eyes followed her gaze again. ‘Maybe following your heart isn’t such a good idea.’
‘I can’t leave him alone, Ronnie. I’m like a schoolgirl with this ridiculous, obsessive crush.’ She trailed off again as she realised just what it was she was saying. That was how it had all started in the first place, wasn’t it? Jim Allen, an American twenty-seven-year-old, hotshot football player who’d walked into her life when she’d been nothing but a teenager and rocked her entire world. Forever. That schoolgirl crush had never gone away. It had never really fa
ded. And he knew that. So, was she doing the right thing by letting him think she was always going to be there? Even if she was. ‘I can’t let him go,’ she whispered.
‘You should try.’
‘You told me to follow my heart.’
‘I know.’ Ronnie sighed, standing up, his tone one of defeat now. ‘I know I did. I just thought you’d be more sensible than to head off in that direction, considering you know where it’s going to take you.’
She looked at him, something akin to guilt mixed with a hint of fear swamping her. She really didn’t have a clue what she was doing here. She only knew she was going to do it, and to hell with the consequences. ‘You think I’m making a mistake, don’t you?’
Ronnie held her gaze for a few, long seconds. ‘The biggest one of your life.’
Chapter Five
‘Jesus, Brandon, what do you want?’
‘Good to see you, too, Dad.’
Jim sighed, standing aside to let his son through into the hall. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just been a long day. Derby matches always seem to drain me more than any others.’
‘At least your side won.’
Jim couldn’t help but smile as he followed Brandon into the living room. ‘You did your best to stop that from happening.’
‘Yeah. I did my best.’ He walked over to the fireplace, turning around and folding his arms as he looked at his father. ‘Who’s Carrie Jackson?’
Jim almost dropped the glass of whiskey he was holding, then leant back against the sideboard to steady himself.
‘Who is she, Dad?’
Jim poured himself another drink, turning his back on Brandon. ‘It’s none of your business.’
‘Is she the reason you can’t let yourself be happy? The reason you won’t let yourself be happy?’
Jim turned back around, his expression telling Brandon he was in no mood to talk about this. ‘I’m shutting this conversation down, Brandon. Right now.’
‘Is she the reason you push people away?’
‘I won’t tell you again, son.’
‘Like you pushed Amber away?’
‘She was pregnant with another man’s baby.’
‘That wasn’t the fucking reason, Dad, and you know it.’ Brandon’s eyes were holding Jim’s gaze now, refusing to let go. ‘You are still crazy-in-love with her, but you just can’t let yourself be happy.’
‘If you know all of this…’
‘All I know is the name, Dad. All I know is you were once in a relationship with a girl called Carrie Jackson. That’s all I know. Because I wanted you to tell me the rest. I wanted you to tell me the reason why she affected your life so much you won’t let yourself be happy with a woman you are so obviously in love with.’
Jim narrowed his eyes as he stared at his son. ‘Have you… have you been checking up on me?’
‘The internet is a wonderful tool, Dad. You’d be amazed at what you can find out after just a half hour of searching.’
‘I don’t believe this…’ He downed his whiskey, slamming the glass down onto the sideboard behind him, a mixture of panic and fear washing over him. He was losing control again, and he didn’t like that. It never made him feel comfortable. Losing control wasn’t something Jim Allen liked to make a habit of. ‘You need to go, Brandon. Now. Please. I really need you to go.’
Brandon held up his hands in defeat, shaking his head as he walked over to the door, stopping when he reached Jim. ‘You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Dad. Acting like some kind of robot who pushes his feelings to one side. Someone who finds happiness – who actually has it right there in his hands, and then just lets it go, as though it means nothing. When it actually means everything. You can’t keep on doing this, because it’ll destroy you.’
Jim grabbed Brandon’s arm as he walked out of the door. ‘I get scared, Brandon.’
‘Who was she, Dad?’
Jim looked down, letting go of Brandon’s arm, signalling the end of the conversation. It was over. Done. Finished. For now.
Brandon left without saying another word. Jim waited until he heard the front door slam shut before pouring himself yet another drink, the alcohol doing little to numb those feelings that short conversation with his son had caused to resurface.
As he felt totally unexpected tears fill his eyes, he furiously blinked them back, refusing to let this bring him down. He just had to put it back where it belonged, out of his mind, out of reach, and carry on. Just like he had been doing ever since. Just like he needed to do again.
*
Amber closed the car door and leaned back against it, shutting her eyes as the cold north-easterly wind whipped across her face. But it was a reality she needed to feel before she stepped back inside a bubble she knew full well she should be steering clear of. It had burst so many times she couldn’t really keep count any more, but it was a bubble she needed to be in right now. She needed him, needed his touch, his kiss; she needed to feel him inside her. She needed that.
Walking slowly up the driveway, she ran her fingers lightly along the side of his car, already feeling the forecasted frost begin to form on the cold surface. She began to shiver, the temperature was rapidly falling as the night wore on, and for a brief second she wondered if the fact she’d spent the last two hours just driving around – was that a warning sign? Should she be listening to those alarm bells, no matter how quietly they were ringing? If she’d needed him that much, why hadn’t she just come straight here when she’d left Tynebridge?
Finally reaching the front door she watched her fingers as they hovered over the bell. Pressing it was going to restart something she wasn’t sure she was ready for. But it was something she couldn’t stop from happening, because Ronnie was right. She was weak. Where Jim Allen was concerned she was weaker than any human being should ever be.
Pressing down on the bell she took a small step back. She still had a couple of seconds left to run away, to get out of there. To grow up and do what she’d said she was going to do – leave here and try and make a new start in London. But nothing could make her turn away from this, and she knew that. Now. She knew that.
Her heart fluttered wildly in her chest as the door slowly opened, her stomach doing that same old dip and dive as she looked up and saw him standing there. He was wearing faded, battered jeans and a dark t-shirt, his hair a little longer than he usually wore it, and the only thing she could think about was burying her fingers in it and messing it up as she lay underneath him.
‘I need you,’ she whispered, unable to do anything about the zillion and one butterflies that had just started flying around inside her.
He smiled the same smile that had reeled her in and dragged her into his world over twenty years ago. That same smile that could do it all over again, because she’d let it.
Closing the door behind her she looked at him, letting every memory of this man wash over her. Every beautiful kiss, every tiny touch – every heartbreaking goodbye. They all came back to visit, all at once, making her twice as confused, but it didn’t matter. They could stay there, embed themselves in her brain on a permanent basis and she knew she still couldn’t walk away from this. He was too much a part of her, and even if he broke her heart a million times more she was always going to love him. So, what did that say about her? What did that say about Amber Sullivan – that feisty, strong, independent woman who’d once thought she could take on the world. What did that say about her?
She walked over to him, taking the glass he was holding out of his hand, their eyes locked together. Reaching out to touch his mouth with her fingertips, she felt an altogether different kind of shiver engulf her as his hand rested lightly on her hip, pulling her just that little bit closer to him. Once more, the invisible cord she couldn’t seem to cut had brought her back here, back to him, and there was nowhere else she wanted to be.
Standing up on tiptoes she closed her eyes as her lips touched his, so gently they just brushed over them at first, but it was enough to cause those goosebum
ps to break out, that wave of confusion to be washed away by something far harder to understand. And as his arm snaked around her waist, pulling her against him, his mouth pressing down harder on hers, she shut out everything else – Ryan, Ronnie; even Rico. She shut them all out, because she wanted nothing to spoil this. She wanted nothing to get in the way of what she was about to do.
They were never going to make it upstairs, she knew that. They were never going to make it that far. It was going to happen right here, but it wasn’t going to be the quick and harsh encounter they’d shared earlier. She didn’t want that. She wanted to feel him properly, to take in every touch of his fingers on her skin. She wanted to sink deep into his kisses, feel him move inside her as their bodies once more became one. She wanted all of that. She wanted him.
Stepping back slightly, she smiled as he leaned back against the wall, folding his arms, his eyes on her as she slowly stripped. And all that did was heighten everything she was already feeling, turning her on even more as all those things she was trying to push to the back of her mind slowly started to fade away.
‘Leave the boots on,’ he said, his eyes still boring into hers. ‘Jesus, baby, please leave those boots on.’
She couldn’t help smiling as she walked back over to him, now wearing nothing but black, knee-high boots, pressing her naked body against his still fully-clothed one.
‘I’d forgotten how much you kill me, Amber.’ His voice was low and oh-so-sexy as his mouth rested on hers. ‘What you do to my head, honey, it’s crazy.’
‘I shouldn’t be here,’ she whispered, slowly pulling his t-shirt off over his head, flinging it aside like a used rag.
‘Then why are you?’
‘Because I need you.’ She began pulling the belt away from his jeans. ‘I already told you that. Because I can’t get you out of my head, no matter how much I try.’ She ran her thumb over his cheek, his stubble rough beneath her fingers. ‘And because I’m weak.’
He took hold of her hand, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it. ‘I can’t stand here and promise I won’t hurt you again, Amber…’
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