Chapter Eight
The freezing north-east wind whipped around Amber’s ears and she wished she’d put a hat on. It was December, and the Christmas lights and festive feel filled the city of Newcastle. And she should have been excited. This Christmas she had the baby she’d so badly wanted, and the man she loved beyond anything. Last Christmas she’d had neither. But it wasn’t that simple, was it? Her baby belonged to another man, and she was about to tell him that, this time, she really was taking his son hundreds of miles away to another city, to be with the man he’d fought against for so long.
Walking past Fenwicks, one of the oldest and largest department stores in the centre of the city, she stopped to look at the beautiful Christmas window display the store put on every year. Ever since she’d been a little girl she remembered her mum and dad bringing her here, to see what theme the store would be displaying that year – from traditional to fairytale, she’d always loved standing there with her nose pressed up against the glass, staring in awe at the colours and the moving puppets and the sheer magical feel of everything. And now that she had a child of her own she wanted him to experience that, too. But maybe it wouldn’t be here, in her native north-east. Maybe he’d experience that elsewhere. And anyway, London was full of this kind of thing. There’d be plenty of places to take him over all the future Christmases she’d have with her son.
‘Here. I thought you could do with this.’
She turned to see Ronnie holding out a takeout cup of coffee. ‘Thank you.’ She smiled, taking a much-needed sip.
‘So, it’s all going public today, then.’
Amber stared back at the window, concentrating on a Christmas elf, who was banging a wooden hammer up and down on a bright-red brick. ‘There’s a press conference at 5 o’clock. At Tynebridge.’ She looked at Ronnie. ‘I should have told him sooner, shouldn’t I? Ryan, I mean. I should have told him about this sooner.’
So far only her father and Ronnie knew about Jim’s imminent departure from Newcastle Red Star for his old London club, Endleigh United. Her father wasn’t exactly over the moon at this sudden turn of events, but he also knew there wasn’t much he could do to change Amber’s mind. He just wanted her to be happy, when all was said and done. And Jim made her happy. Simple as that.
‘Ryan Fisher is still unpredictable, Amber. He’s still a loose cannon, no matter how much you think he’s changed. If you’d told him this sooner, there was every chance he’d kick off and the secret would have been out way before now.’
‘I’ve been lying to him, though.’
‘Think of it as sparing him the truth before he needed to know it. And anyway, you could have just let him hear about it at the same time everyone else was going to hear about it.’
‘Oh, yeah, that would work, wouldn’t it?’ She took another sip of coffee, staring back at the window, her eyes now focused on a mechanical Rudolph chewing on a carrot. ‘Maybe if Rico wasn’t involved… maybe then I would have left it to the press conference to let him know about it.’ She threw her head back and sighed. ‘Oh, what kind of person does that make me?’
‘Come on, Amber. He’s just going to have to deal with it, isn’t he? And anyway, you’re telling him now, aren’t you?’
She checked her watch. ‘Yeah. I’m telling him now.’
‘Come on. I’ll drop you at his place.’
She slipped her arm through Ronnie’s as they walked away from the crowd that was building outside Fenwicks’ window. ‘I’m scared, Ronnie.’
‘Of what?’
‘Of everything. It just feels as though it’s all out of my control now. When I think back to the way things used to be…’
He slipped his arm around her shoulder and she clung onto his waist as they walked past the imposing Theatre Royal, the cold wind showing no signs of letting up. ‘You’re gonna have to stop thinking in the past now, kiddo. Things have moved on. Your life has changed inextricably over the past couple of years and I…’ He stopped walking and turned to face her. ‘I really want to tell you to stay here, to forget about going with Jim.’
‘Jim’s only going because of me, Ronnie. But we need a new start if we have any chance of making it work this time, and that just isn’t going to happen here. It isn’t. That’s why he’s cited conflict of interest in his get-out clause. The whole set-up is so complicated nobody really wants to get involved.’
‘So that’s why it’s all happening so quickly, then.’
‘That’s why it’s all happening so quickly. Jesus, my whole frigging life is so complicated that Newcastle Red Star are quite willing to let the best manager they’ve ever had go without a fight. I’m probably single-handedly killing this club! The fans are just gonna love me.’
‘Okay, okay. Enough of the self-pity. And forget the fans.’ Ronnie sighed, sliding his arm back around her shoulders as they continued walking towards his car. ‘Maybe it is time to start thinking about what you want. For a change. And before you say anything, I still don’t think Jim Allen is good enough for you.’
‘But you are?’ She couldn’t help smiling as she said that, and Ronnie smiled back, squeezing her shoulders.
‘Yeah. Of course I am. Actually, I’m probably way too good for you.’
‘Cheeky sod,’ she laughed, playfully punching his arm.
He stopped as they reached his car, leaning back against it. ‘I’m serious, Amber. He really isn’t good enough for you. And I’m scared history is gonna repeat itself all over again.’
‘It won’t.’ She stuck her hands in her pockets, burying her chin into her scarf as the wind whipped up once more.
‘Because he told you that?’ Ronnie arched a sceptical eyebrow.
‘Because he told me that,’ she repeated. ‘Come on. Take me to Ryan’s and let’s get this over with.’
*
‘You think I knew about this?’ Ryan didn’t know what to feel. Everything from anger to upset to a searing pain was clashing together inside him, making his head spin.
‘She hasn’t told you?’
‘Do you think I’d be reacting like this if she’d told me, Max?’
Max sat down on the arm of a nearby chair, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘Jesus… I’m sorry, Ryan. I thought you knew. I just wanted to see how you were doing before the press conference makes it all official.’
‘It’s all happening today?’ He didn’t know what to do. He seriously didn’t know what to do.
‘Red Star have called a press conference for 5pm, at Tynebridge…’
‘I’m going down there,’ he said, grabbing his jacket from the back of the couch.
‘Hey, hey, calm down. Ryan, calm down!’ Max stood up, grabbing his arm. ‘You’re not going anywhere. Now, I’m sorry you had to hear it like this, but she hasn’t exactly been open with me, either. I only heard about it an hour ago.’
‘You’re not the father of her child, Max. A child she is planning to take all the way down to London, away from me, to be brought up by Jim fucking Allen! Jesus Christ, I can’t believe this…’
‘She was talking about moving down to London anyway, Ryan, so this can’t have come as a complete surprise.’
‘She didn’t say anything about shacking back up with him, though, did she?’
‘But even you said that was on the cards, kiddo.’
‘I didn’t think… I… They’ve planned a whole new life together in a matter of weeks, Max. With my son!’
‘Okay. Okay, I understand how much…’
‘You understand nothing. Nothing. I loved her. I loved her so fucking much, and I thought… I thought that when Rico was born… I thought he’d bring us closer.’ He was pacing the floor now, pushing a hand through his hair, backwards and forwards in an almost nervous action.
‘You always knew he was never going to go away, Ryan.’
He stopped pacing for a second and swung around to look at his agent. ‘But maybe I always hoped he would. Somehow. Jesus!’ He slammed himself back against the wal
l, resuming the repetitive motion of raking his hand through his hair, stopping only when the doorbell echoed through from the hall. He looked out of the window, catching sight of Ronnie’s burnt-orange 4x4 on the driveway. ‘That’s her.’
Max held up his hand, a silent order for Ryan to stay exactly where he was. ‘I’ll get it. And Ryan? Don’t blow this, okay? Don’t start acting like a petulant kid who thinks the world owes him a living.’
‘She’s taking my child away, Max.’
‘She’s doing what she needs to do to be happy. And you’re just going to have to deal with that. I’ll call you later.’
Ryan watched Max walk out into the hall; he heard the front door open and muffled voices before she finally appeared in the doorway. She looked as though she’d been crying, and her dark-red hair was all mussed up and windswept. She was beautiful, and to look at her broke his heart more than he cared to admit.
‘I’m sorry, Ryan. I should have told you sooner. I should have told you before now.’
‘Yeah. You should have.’
She looked down for a second, digging her hands deeper into the pockets of her cream coat. ‘It’s all happened so fast…’
‘No, it hasn’t, Amber. It hasn’t. Because it never stopped happening. You and Jim Allen, you never stopped being together, even when you were apart.’
‘You don’t know…’
‘I know it all, Amber. I know you never really loved me; I know I was always just some kind of buffer between you and him, someone to run to when he was treating you like crap. I know that’s all I ever was to you.’
‘That’s not true.’
He looked at her, her eyes shining with fresh tears, and yet still all he could feel was love. He wanted to hate her for what she was doing, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t hate her. ‘Just admit it, Amber. Please. No more pretending, okay?’
She leaned back against the doorpost, pushing a hand through her hair as she stared up at the ceiling for a couple of beats. ‘Why does everything always end up so complicated?’
He wasn’t even sure she was directing that question at him. She wasn’t really directing it at anyone, she was just thinking out loud, or that’s what it seemed like.
‘When are you going?’ he asked, his voice calmer now. That anger he wanted to feel just wouldn’t come.
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Jim’s last match in charge is New Year’s Day. He wanted to finish on a home game.’
‘That’s big of him.’
Amber threw Ryan a look, telling him his sarcasm wasn’t something she appreciated. Tough. He didn’t appreciate her taking his son hundreds of miles away, but he wasn’t being given much choice in the matter.
‘I wanted to leave sooner,’ she whispered, her eyes staring down at her black ankle boots.
‘That desperate to get away from me, huh?’
Her head shot up and she glared at him. ‘Grow up, Ryan.’
‘What do you expect, Amber? Did you think I’d be happy for you? Really? Did you think I’d be jumping for joy at the thought of my son – my son – being brought up by a man who has basically taken from me the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?’ He walked over to her. His head was all over the place, and that anger he’d wanted to feel earlier was now creeping in, spreading slowly. ‘And now he’s not only taking you away from me, he’s taking my son, too. So I can’t be happy, okay? I can’t do that.’
Her eyes locked onto his, and all that guilt she knew she deserved to feel flooded through her, like someone had just opened a floodgate somewhere inside her. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I can’t… I need him, Ryan. I need him.’
‘Like shit you do, Amber. You don’t need anyone. The Amber Sullivan I first met, where’s she gone, huh? Where’s she gone? Because she wouldn’t have let herself be dragged down by a man she knows she should have left behind a long time ago. She wouldn’t have done that.’
Amber shook her head, taking a deep breath, her eyes still locked on Ryan’s. ‘But she did, Ryan. Don’t you see? That’s exactly what she did.’
*
Jim leaned back against his desk and looked around the office he was about to vacate in just a couple of weeks’ time. Part of him felt a little sad about that, because he’d come here to Newcastle Red Star, and turned this club around. He’d given them the success they’d craved for decades; he’d helped them become league champions, seen them through several good Cup runs and stints in Europe they could only have dreamed of before. So his decision to leave and go back to Endleigh United wasn’t going to be a popular one. He knew that. Only a matter of weeks ago he’d been determined not to let anything get in the way of ensuring this club stayed right where it belonged, at the top of the League. That memory just intensified the guilt he was already feeling at leaving them like this, in the middle of a season in which they were doing well. They were doing really well. And he was leaving them. But he had no choice. He was a different man now. Things had changed; his life had changed. He had Amber back. And if he wanted to keep her; if he wanted to make sure it worked this time, something had to give. And that something was Newcastle Red Star.
Thinking about Amber also made Jim realise that it was going to be his private life under scrutiny at this press conference just as much as his professional one, which made him slightly uncomfortable. Anything to do with his personal life becoming public made him uncomfortable. For years Jim Allen had been a very private man, an enigma, almost. The most anyone knew about him was that he was better at his job than any manager of his generation. But then everything had come out about his past relationship with Amber, about Brandon Palmer being his son – about his marriage ending because Amber was pregnant with Ryan Fisher’s baby, even though that had only been part of the problem. And now – now it was going to happen all over again. Today wasn’t only about telling the footballing world he was making the trip back down south, it was also about telling the world he was back with the woman he loved. And for once he wanted everyone to know that. He wanted them all to know how much Amber meant to him. He was quite willing to expose himself emotionally if that’s what it took to show just how much he loved her. If that’s what it took to prove that, this time – this time it was for keeps.
‘You okay?’
He looked over towards the door, a smile spreading across his face the second he saw her. ‘I am now. Come here, come on.’
She walked over to him, stepping between his legs as his arms circled her waist. ‘I just thought I’d pop in and see how you were feeling.’
‘I’m fine. Is it busy out there?’
‘You could say that, yeah. The place is teeming with press and media, as you’d pretty much expect.’
‘And who’s covering this exclusive for Cloud Sports, then?’
‘Ronnie. He’s already got a front-row seat in the Press Lounge, so be nice to him, okay?’ She winked, and he laughed, that low, deep, sexy laugh that made Amber’s stomach flip over and over.
‘And where are you going to be?’ he asked, his hands sliding down over her bottom.
‘I thought I’d just stand at the back and keep my head down.’
‘Are they mad at you? The bosses at Cloud Sports, I mean, for not letting on that you already knew about this?’
‘Well, I can’t say they were happy. I seem to make a habit of harbouring secret stories from the world of football, most of them concerning you.’ She shrugged. ‘But I walk a fine line between being professional and being personally involved with the people who make these headlines, so, they kind of understand why I had to keep it a secret, why I didn’t want Cloud Sports to claim some big exclusive just because I’m your… Jesus, Jim, what am I, exactly?’
He stared right into her eyes, and for a few seconds he didn’t say anything. ‘Marry me. Again. Marry me, Amber.’
She couldn’t stop a small laugh from escaping. ‘Sorry?’
‘Marry me. And let’s do it properly this time. Jesus, honey, if I
’m gonna make a habit of putting my private life out there, then let’s do it in style, okay?’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Like you wouldn’t believe.’ Jim laughed, pulling her even closer, his mouth gently brushing over hers. ‘Just say you’ll marry me, Amber. Please. And this time… this time we’ll make it work. Both of us. We’ll make it work.’
She smiled, her stomach flipping a ridiculous amount of somersaults as she closed her eyes, letting his kiss take her over, loving the feel of his body pressed hard against hers.
‘I want you, right here, right now,’ he whispered. But he was telling her something she already knew. She could feel him hard against her thigh and a familiar ache for him spreading through her body.
‘You’ve got a press conference to go to,’ she murmured, her mouth moving closer to his.
‘And they can’t exactly start without me, can they?’
She smiled again, already slipping out of her shirt. ‘Well, they could, but there wouldn’t be much point.’
‘Turn around.’ His mouth was almost touching her ear as he spoke, and Amber felt that ache grow more intense, her breathing becoming more rapid by the second. ‘I won’t hurt you, I promise.’
She stared up at him, reaching out to touch his face, her fingers running lightly over his cheek, down over his slightly open mouth. ‘Kiss me,’ she whispered. ‘Just kiss me.’
The electricity between them was almost ricocheting off the walls, and the intensity that had suddenly filled the room seemed to make the heat rise and the temperature almost unbearable, despite it being freezing outside.
And when his mouth touched hers she felt her stomach take a leap so strong her knees literally gave way and he had to hold her up, catch her in his arms, all the while his mouth never leaving hers. His fingers were loosening her jeans, pulling them down slightly, his tongue flicking across the back of her teeth, sending her stomach into yet more spasms.
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