‘Are you going to walk away from me, Amber?’
She took another deep breath. What was happening here? Because her head was spinning now; she couldn’t think straight. ‘I don’t know,’ she whispered, her eyes still locked on his. ‘Jim…’
But it was useless; any attempt at a conversation was pointless now as he lifted her up, his mouth crashing against hers, and all she could do was cling on and wrap her legs around him as he carried her over to the chest of drawers, sitting her down on it before unwrapping her legs from his hips.
Part of her was scared, and yet another part of her was filled with so much excitement it was bordering on the manic as she felt him gently push her legs apart, his hand lightly running over her, touching her, moving back and forth until she could feel herself becoming wet, and she gasped quietly as he pulled his hand away, pushing into her almost immediately, holding onto her knees to keep her legs apart.
Amber threw back her head, her fingers gripping the chest of drawers as he thrust in and out of her, fast then slow, his mouth covering her breasts, his tongue working a magic she would never get tired of, but all it seemed to do was make the confusion already swimming around inside her ten times harder to deal with.
‘Whatever it is, Amber, I don’t want to know,’ Jim breathed, his hand cupping her cheek, his eyes staring deep into hers and she felt her stomach dip so low she couldn’t catch her breath. ‘Baby, I don’t want to know.’
She couldn’t say anything. She couldn’t get any words out; all she could do was close her eyes again as she felt that beautiful climax begin its journey up her body, washing over her in a succession of waves, causing her to cry out loud as she felt him come, felt him flood into her, and it brought with it a feeling of calm so intense but so brief it was painful.
He pulled her back into his arms and she clung onto him, wrapping her legs back around him and, for some reason she just couldn’t explain, she’d never felt closer to him. Not since Las Vegas had she felt that bond between her and this man so strong she doubted anything could break it.
‘Come on,’ he whispered, pulling away slightly, helping her down from the chest of drawers, his arm remaining firmly around her waist. ‘We’d better go make sure that bath hasn’t run over.’
‘Jim…’
He stopped her from saying anything else by kissing her so slowly she just fell against him. It was as though, with every movement of his mouth against hers, he was erasing every ounce of strength she had left until there was no other option but to give in to him. ‘Not now, okay? Not yet.’
She looked up at him, into those green eyes that had messed with her emotions so many times. And still she couldn’t let him go. ‘Okay.’
He took her hand and she clung onto him as he led her back into the bathroom, her body shivering once more with a heady dose of anticipation and nerves. Excitement and fear. Confusion. They were all emotions she was all too familiar with as far as Jim Allen was concerned.
And as she sank into the warm water, leaning back against him, his legs pulling up around her, she closed her eyes and just let it all wash over her. All the confusion and the doubt and the fear that Ryan just might be right. But he could also be wrong. And she inwardly berated herself for automatically thinking the worst of her husband – a man who’d sworn to her that he’d changed.
She rested her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes as she felt his breath warm on her skin, his fingers touching her breasts, sending a shiver right through her.
Reaching back behind her, she buried her fingers in his hair, pushing his head down as his lips brushed over her neck, sending more of those shivers coursing through her so fast she almost couldn’t breathe. And when his hand moved down, resting against her stomach for the briefest of seconds before slipping beneath the water, she took a sharp intake of breath, her fingers sliding between his as he touched her.
She kept her eyes closed as their hands moved together, his lips still touching her neck, her shoulder, his other hand on her knee to keep her legs wide open, and she let his hand guide hers as he slowly brought her to another, beautiful climax. A quiet, understated climax that caused her fingers to grip his tight, her body shuddering slightly as he held her against him.
‘I need you in my life, Amber,’ he whispered, resting his hand on her stomach, her fingers still intertwined with his. ‘I need you.’
She couldn’t say anything. Her eyes were closed and she just wanted to stay there, right there, feeling him hold her, knowing he’d make love to her again and everything would be alright because that’s what he did. That’s what she let him do – make love to her, and let her believe that everything was alright.
‘Amber, baby, I love you, and if I’ve…’
She pulled her hand away from his and pushed herself up, climbing out of the bath and grabbing her robe from the door, covering herself up. ‘Maybe we need to get some sleep now. It’s been a long day.’ She walked out into the bedroom, the need for an alcohol hit suddenly quite overwhelming.
Making her way downstairs to the kitchen, she could hear him moving around now, and she knew he’d follow her, of course he would. But was now really the right time to confront him?
Finding a bottle of whiskey in one of the kitchen cupboards she poured herself a small measure, just enough to give her that hit she needed. And as she felt that warmth she’d craved flood her stomach she knew he was there now, with her. The man who’d vowed he’d changed. The man she loved beyond anything else, and now the fear she was feeling wasn’t really about what he was going to say to her, it was about her reaction. Did she really have the strength to walk away? If what he told her wasn’t what she wanted to hear, was she strong enough to walk away?
She slowly turned around, putting down her glass and folding her arms as she looked at him leaning back against the wall, hot and handsome in nothing but jeans that hung so sexily on those slim hips of his, his dark hair damp and pushed back off his face.
‘Did you have anything to do with Ryan’s involvement in that betting ring being made public?’ The words were out before she’d even had time to think about whether it was the right thing to do or not. They were out now.
She watched his reaction; watched as he hung his head briefly, his hands dug deep in his pockets. And then he looked up, his eyes meeting hers and she held his stare. To keep her eyes on his would be the only way she’d know if he was telling her the truth.
‘Yes,’ he whispered. That was all he said. Just that one, small word. Yet, for Amber, it was a word that had just kick-started a barrage of feelings all jostling for space inside her. A word that said a thousand things. A word that could change everything. Again.
She couldn’t say anything. All she could do was look at him, and know that, this time, he was being honest. Of course he was being honest, he’d just admitted to doing exactly what Ryan had accused him of doing. Yet she couldn’t decide just how that was making her feel.
‘Amber, I…’
‘Why?’ Still she couldn’t break the stare, and he was the first to look away, just for a brief second, before his eyes once more met hers.
‘I can’t lose you, Amber. Not again…’
‘Why, Jim? Why did you do it?’
This time he broke that stare for longer, his eyes down on the floor, his hands still deep in his pockets. ‘I don’t know. And that’s God’s honest truth.’
‘He didn’t deserve that.’
Jim raised his head slowly. ‘No, maybe he didn’t. But he’s a threat, Amber. To me, to a future I’ve now got within my grasp. A future I’m just not willing to jeopardise any more.’
Amber couldn’t help a small laugh from escaping. ‘So, what? You think that by trying to bring Ryan down, by wrecking his career once and for all, you think that’s going to make sure we stay together? He’s the father of my baby, Jim. Do you get that yet?’
‘Yeah, I get it, Amber. I get it every, single, fucking day, and do you know what? Every day it kills me. Ever
y day it tears me apart that you have that bond with him, and I just lost it, okay? I panicked. I saw a way to get to him, to make him vulnerable, and I just went with it. But I fought against doing it, I fought so hard, you have to believe me…’
‘Not hard enough.’ Her voice was quiet, an almost resigned tone to it. ‘You know, there was a time when, despite anything else that was going on, you would never have jeopardised a player’s career. Not a player as talented as Ryan. You would have tried anything else, Jim, I know that. I realise that. But you would never have tried to kill their career.’
‘He’s not my player any more, Amber. He’s not my player and he’s not someone I care all that much about….’
‘But I do. I have to, don’t you see that? I have to care about him, for Rico’s sake. Because I am not having that baby grow up without his father being a big part of his life. And if you really can’t get used to that…’
‘He’s still in love with you.’
‘And that isn’t my problem.’
‘You think?’
‘It isn’t my problem. Because I’m not in love with him… Jesus, I am so tired of having to explain this. Especially to you. And I’m not sure I can deal with the insecurity and the paranoia right now.’
‘Don’t walk away from me, Amber. Please.’
She looked at him, her eyes locked on his as he walked towards her. ‘I can do what I like.’
‘Please,’ he whispered, stopping right in front of her. ‘I can’t lose you, baby. I can’t go through that again. I can’t.’
‘You don’t think you’re strong enough? Oh, you’re strong enough, Jim. You can cope with anything, no matter what you think. And you could deal with me walking away.’
He shook his head, his eyes boring deep into hers and she could clearly see the tears building up, which only served to pierce her heart with a pain that was almost unbearable.
‘When did you do it?’
‘Just before we left for Vegas.’
‘Jesus.’ She turned her head away, pushing a hand through her hair.
‘Amber, please…’
She looked at him. ‘When we over there, getting married? When we were over there, you knew…’
‘Amber, baby, I regret ever even thinking about it now, and I need you to believe that, I really need you to believe that.’
‘You lied. Again. After everything you promised me…’
‘And I’m sorry.’
‘Such an empty, meaningless word, Jim. Because it means nothing.’
‘Ryan he… he’s gonna be okay. It wasn’t as bad as I…’ He stopped talking, hanging his head, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck.
‘I heard you,’ she whispered, her eyes still on him. ‘On the phone. I was outside your office, and I heard you talking to someone… you sounded as though you were almost disappointed that things weren’t quite as bad as they could have been. Disappointed that Ryan wasn’t quite as involved as you’d hoped he would be. Oh, at the time I didn’t really know what you were talking about, not for sure anyway. But Ryan, that seed of doubt had been sown, Jim, and thinking back…’
‘Amber, baby, please…’
‘You don’t change. You’ll never change, I don’t think you’re capable. I don’t even know if what you told me about Carrie was even true…’
His head shot up and he fixed her with a look that almost scared her. ‘That was true. Every heartbreaking fucking second of what I told you about her was true, Amber. And if you think for one minute that I could lie about something like that…’
‘You’ve lied before, Jim. About so many things.’
‘Not that,’ he whispered, shaking his head. ‘Never that.’
It was her turn to bow her head, just for a couple of beats. ‘You’re hurting Rico, too, do you know that?’ Her eyes met his again. ‘By hurting his dad you’re hurting him, too. And I can’t let that happen. That baby comes first, before anybody. My son comes first, and you don’t get to hurt him, in any way. You don’t get to hurt him the way you’ve hurt me.’
Amber watched as tears started to stream from his eyes, and she was surprised at how little she actually felt like crying herself.
‘But I’m not going anywhere, Jim.’
He frowned, quickly wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘I… I don’t understand.’
‘You really think I can walk away from you? Again? You don’t hold the monopoly on being so much in love with someone it hurts like no other pain you’ve ever felt. So, no matter what you’ve done, we’ll get through it. Because I’m the one who isn’t strong enough to walk away. You’d cope, Jim, and you know you would. You’d cope. Because you’ve walked away from me before, remember? But I’d fall apart.’
‘Amber, baby…’
She shook her head, reaching out to touch his cheek, brushing away tears with her thumb. ‘Don’t say you’re sorry, because I’m not sure that you are. Not really. You and Ryan, I’m just going to have to accept that you two are never gonna get along. But for Rico’s sake, you’re really gonna have to try. For my sake you’re gonna have to try. Because I can’t deal with any more crap, Jim.’
He put his hand over hers, tears still streaming down his face. ‘I love you so much, Amber. So, so much, and with every beat of my heart I will make sure…’
She shut him up with a kiss. Because she needed to touch him, to feel his mouth on hers and his body against her. She needed that.
His hand fell into the small of her back, pushing her closer to him, their mouths now moving together in a faster, harder rhythm. She was falling under his spell, letting him drag her deeper and deeper under until she knew, one day, there’d be nothing left of her. Nothing of the old Amber who’d once had the strength to walk away from this man, because he was killing her – the woman she’d used to be, she was disappearing fast. And she couldn’t stop it from happening. He pulled her apart and he messed with her head, but he also completed her. And there wasn’t a thing she could do to change that.
Chapter Twenty-Two
‘Something you want to tell me?’
Ellen’s eyes widened as she looked at the packets of pills in Ryan’s hand. ‘You’d better come in.’
He kicked the door shut behind him, throwing the pills down onto the hall table, his eyes burning into hers. ‘Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is.’
‘I can explain, Ryan, if you’ll…’
‘Were you deliberately trying to get pregnant? Huh? Is that what you were seriously trying to do?’
‘Ryan, no, it was…’
‘You told me to ditch the condoms… Jesus! You told me you were on the pill, you promised me. How the hell could I have fallen for that one, huh?
‘Please, Ryan…’
‘These are your pills? Yes, or no.’
‘Yes.’
‘Then it’s a simple enough question. Were you deliberately trying to get pregnant?’
She leaned back against the wall, her shoulders sagging for a brief second before her demeanour changed to that of someone a little more in control. ‘I see the way you are with Rico, and…’
‘And, what? You want some of that for yourself?’
‘That bond you have not just with Rico, but with Amber, too…’
Ryan threw his head back and laughed. ‘You’re frigging unbelievable. Is this all because you’re jealous?’
‘Of course I’m fucking jealous! You can’t let go, Ryan. You’re like some lovesick teenager who can’t get over some ridiculous crush, and now? Now she’s had your baby! So you’re never going to let her go, are you?’
‘So, you thought, maybe, if you had my baby too, then, I wouldn’t be quite so – I dunno – attached to Amber?’
Ellen’s shoulders sagged again. ‘You love that baby so much, Ryan.’
‘Of course I love him. I’d die for that kid; he’s my whole fucking world.’
‘And so is she.’ Ellen’s voice was almost a whisper, her eyes looking straight into his. �
�So is Amber.’
What could Ryan say? She was right.
‘I just thought that… that if I had your baby, too, then you’d have to take a step back, Ryan. You’d have to. And you would, because I can see what a great dad you are.’
He shook his head, sitting down at the bottom of the stairs, clasping his hands between his slightly open knees. ‘This is mad. I can’t believe I’m actually having this conversation. You can’t do this, Ellen. You can’t use kids as pawns in some kind of game.’
‘You’re using your own son as a pawn, Ryan.’
‘The fuck I am!’
‘Don’t you see? Oh, I know you love him, that’s more than obvious. But you’re using him all the same, to get closer to her.’
‘She’s his mum.’
‘And you still love her.’
‘This is ridiculous.’ He stood up, walked over to her and stopped just in front of her. ‘This isn’t about me, sweetheart. It’s about you, playing crazy games with my life. And it stops, right now, do you hear me?’
She nodded, reaching out to touch his face but he gently pushed her hand away. ‘Ryan…’
‘So, are you?’
She frowned. ‘Am I what?’
‘Pregnant.’
She looked down, shaking her head. ‘No.’
‘Thank Christ for that,’ he sighed, throwing his head back again, taking a couple of steps away from her. ‘This is over, Ellen. Whatever the hell it was, it’s over. Have you got that? All of it. It’s over.’
‘Ryan, please, I’m sorry…’
‘It’s over, Ellen. And I really don’t want to hurt you, but I just can’t deal with another relationship right now. It isn’t even you, although, what you’ve tried to do…’ He looked at her. ‘It isn’t even you. When you’re not acting all psycho you’re actually an amazing girl. But I just can’t deal with this – with any kind of relationship at the minute, not while… I just can’t.’
‘Not while you’re still in love with her. Is that what you were going to say?’ Ellen’s voice was quiet, resigned to the inevitable now.
Final Score Page 25