His eyes stared into hers as his fingers stroked her breasts, running over them so lightly, it was all she could do to stop a moan from escaping. Telling him to stay away was never going to work. Was she just being incredibly naïve, again?
‘I flew up here because I want to be inside you so badly, I can’t even fucking sleep,’
‘Oh, Jesus…’ she groaned as he gently nudged her knickers down, his hand resting on her hip.
‘You’re gonna have to work so much harder to get rid of me, baby, because I ain’t going anywhere.’
She buried her fingers in his hair as he lowered his head, his mouth covering her breast, so warm against her naked skin and she was way past the point of no return now. She had her handsome husband back with her for a couple of hours, and she was going to make sure she took whatever it was he was going to give her. Even if this wasn’t the way she’d planned for things to go.
She kept her fingers in his hair as he sank to his haunches, sliding her knickers right down and she stepped out of them, kicking them away, gasping out loud as his hands ran back up her legs, causing her to open them slightly. And as his mouth touched her down there, just the tiniest of touches brushing over her skin, his tongue sending a thousand and one miniscule electric shocks shooting through her body, she couldn’t help but cry out. Just one tiny touch and he’d won. He was always going to win.
‘Not here,’ she whispered, stroking his cheek with her fingertips as his eyes met hers. ‘If I’ve only got you for a couple of hours I want us to make the most of them.’ She slipped her hand into his, leading him upstairs, hoping to God that Rico was having one of his deep sleeps because, as much as she adored that baby beyond anything else imaginable, she loved this man just as much. And she needed this time with him now. Even if he really shouldn’t be here.
Closing the bedroom door behind her, she leaned back against it, slipping her robe down off her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor, her eyes locked on his.
‘I’ve fucking missed you,’ he said, almost ripping his shirt off, and this time it was Amber’s turn to stare. It never ceased to amaze her how incredible he looked for a man of his age. So hard and toned and sexy as hell, to just look at him made her breathless. He had a body men half his age would kill for. And, right now, all she wanted was to feel that body inside her. She wanted that, even though it was probably the last thing she needed.
‘You gonna show me how much you’ve missed me?’ She smiled, raising her arms above her head, deliberately pushing her breasts out, arching her back slightly.
‘I thought you didn’t want me here.’
‘I didn’t. But you’re here now, and it really would be a shame to waste that hard-on, wouldn’t it?’
He smiled the most incredible smile that sent her heart racing, her skin tingling with the anticipation. She was too lost in him to care now – about anything. Why she was doing this, why she’d walked away from him, she really didn’t care any more. She was lost. And she didn’t really want to be found.
He was kissing her before she’d had a chance to get another breath out, his fingers intertwining with hers above her head, their bodies crushed against each other, and it was all she could do to keep it together. For twenty-three years he’d been ruining her life, making her crazy, so maybe it was time to just stop fighting it. Once and for all. Stop fighting it. Whatever he’d done, they’d get over it. Whatever he’d done…
As he lifted her up, she wrapped her legs around his hips, burying her head in his shoulder as he pushed into her with a force that rocked her backwards against the door. The cool wood was rough against her skin, but she didn’t care. The pain wasn’t registering, all that mattered was that her beautiful American man was back inside her. And it felt so good.
‘No,’ she whispered, looking into his eyes as he thrust deeper into her. ‘It’s gonna be over too soon and I don’t want that.’
‘Okay.’ He put her down, slowly pulling out of her, watching as she walked over to the bed, another slow smile creeping across his face.
‘Pretend it’s the first time we’re doing this.’
He pushed a hand through his hair, laughing slightly.
‘You don’t want to do that?’ she asked, sitting down and swinging her legs up onto the bed, hugging her knees to her chest.
‘Baby, you could ask me to do anything right now and I wouldn’t say no. And I mean, anything.’
She smiled at him, slowly opening her legs. ‘Then pretend it’s the first time you’re seeing me.’
‘Jesus Christ,’ he groaned, throwing his head back for a brief second before his eyes fell back on her. ‘And you really think I’m gonna let you walk away from me?’
She said nothing, just opened her legs wider and waited for him to respond. Which he did, of course he did. His mouth was on her before she’d had time to draw another breath, his tongue soft and warm as it delved into her, his hands keeping her thighs apart so he could work his magic.
Gripping the sheets tight, Amber bit down hard as she felt his tongue run the length of her, his mouth finally covering that one, tiny spot that mattered so much, sending another jolt of electricity shooting through her so fast it caused her body to buck in an almost violent reaction. She was losing it fast. Having him here, doing this, making her crazy all over again; she was losing it.
But she gave in to it, to him; she gave in to every beautiful tingle, every nerve ending in her body screamed out loud as he brought her to a climax that both hurt and yet filled her with the most incredible calm as that familiar blanket of pins and needles flooded through her.
She kept her eyes closed, her arms now thrown up above her head as she felt his body slide up hers, her legs pulling up around him, his fingers intertwining with hers.
He was hard. She could feel him there against her, feel his heart beating fast, his breathing becoming shallow, her own chest rising and falling so quickly it was making her breathless. She was finding it hard to focus, trying to keep one ear out for the baby monitor while the rest of her just wanted to lose herself all over again in this man who was destined to plague her life for the rest of his. But she didn’t care. Not if this was how it felt. She really didn’t care.
‘Are you ready?’ he whispered.
She nodded, his eyes almost burning into hers.
He kissed her, and she closed her eyes, her fingers tightening around his as the kiss grew deeper, his tongue dancing around hers, as her skin broke out in a barrage of goosebumps. She’d never felt a desperation like it. The need to feel him inside her was so painful, it almost squeezed the breath from her. So the relief she felt when he finally pushed into her was incredible, as though someone had just opened a door which had been locked for years, allowing her a kind of freedom she’d ached for.
Her fingers gripped his even tighter as he thrust into her, gently, her hips pushing up against his, his mouth now covering the base of her throat with tiny kisses, their bodies moving together in a faster rhythm that was utterly breathtaking. She felt as though the rest of the world had just disappeared, disintegrated around her, leaving only those two, and, once again, she didn’t care. She was ceasing to care about much now. She’d vowed this would never happen again, but she was powerless to stop. Absolutely powerless. That’s what this man did to her.
Pulling her legs up further, clinging onto his hands as though the world would end if she let him go, she kept her eyes closed as she felt that beautiful wave of intense pleasure return, creeping its way up her body with a wonderfully slow, almost languid, speed, as if it could tell she didn’t want this to end. And she didn’t. Of course she didn’t. In reality, she hadn’t wanted to walk away from him, but she’d felt it was something she needed to do. Because there were times when what she felt for him didn’t always feel healthy. It took over, he took over, until she could see nothing but him. And she couldn’t let it be that way, not any more.
Arching her back and raising her hips up once more, she couldn’t help but scream
out loud as she felt his body stiffen, before the inevitable explosion, that wonderful release that sent her heart into overdrive and her stomach somersaulting a million times over until it was all she could do to catch her breath.
And when it was over, when his body finally went limp and his grip on her hands loosened slightly, she felt the strangest feeling of emptiness. Because, now he was here, she didn’t want him to go. But, at the same time, she knew he had to.
‘That was worth the plane journey alone,’ he breathed, looking at her, a slight smile on his way-too-handsome face.
She couldn’t help smiling back. ‘I love you, Jim.’
‘Hey, I love you, too, baby.’ He slowly pulled out of her, rolling over onto his back before turning onto his side, propping himself up on one elbow. ‘Which is why I still don’t understand why you’re doing this. Why you’re pushing me away.’
‘You call that pushing you away?’ she said, still smiling.
‘You’re making me leave tonight.’
‘No, you’re leaving tonight because you now manage a football team hundreds of miles away from here and you need to get back there.’
‘So, if I didn’t need to get back there, would you still be making me leave?’
She sat up, pulling her knees to her chest, resting her cheek on them, her eyes meeting his. ‘No.’
‘Then why the hell don’t you just come home, Amber?’
‘I can’t,’ she whispered, her eyes locked on his. She just couldn’t break the stare, even though part of her wanted to. Part of her needed to.
‘I don’t get this,’ he sighed, falling onto his back, pushing a hand through his hair.
‘It’s hard for me to explain, Jim…’
‘You’re telling me it is.’ He got up, walking over to the other side of the room, and still Amber couldn’t break her stare; her eyes followed his every move. ‘This is fucking crazy, Amber. What the hell are we doing?’
‘I’m trying to save our marriage, Jim.’
‘Yeah, you see, you keep saying that, honey, but I’m just not getting that vibe. You don’t save a marriage by walking away from it.’
‘Sometimes you do.’
He leaned against the wall, throwing his head back and letting out a loud, frustrated sigh. ‘Jesus!’
Amber got up off the bed, pulling her robe back around her, walking over to him. ‘I’m doing this for us, Jim.’
‘Are you?’ He looked right into her eyes, and she felt a pain she’d never felt before cut right through her. ‘Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. I can’t sleep, Amber. I can’t close my eyes and get any rest because it hurts so much, you not being there.’
‘I wasn’t there for sixteen years, Jim. Remember?’
‘That isn’t the same fucking thing, baby, and you know that. I didn’t have you to lose back then. I didn’t know what this shit would feel like, this constant pain, this dull ache that never goes away. There’s a constant fear in the back of my mind that you aren’t ever coming back and I can’t shake it. I can’t fucking shake that, and I’ve tried. I’ve tried so fucking hard.’
She moved closer to him, reaching up to touch his rough jawline, running her fingers over it, resting them on his slightly open mouth for a matter of seconds before she leaned in to kiss him slowly, his arms falling around her, pulling her closer, pulling her robe away from her body until she was naked and exposed again.
In an instant he’d turned her around so she was facing the wall, his hands in hers, raising them above her head, his mouth covering the back of her neck in those beautiful, tiny kisses and Amber closed her eyes, ready to lose herself in him all over again. And even though she knew that every time she let him do this, she was giving a bigger part of herself away to this man, she knew it was never going to change. Because, deep down inside, she was never going to let it.
He nudged her legs open with his knee, his breath warm on her neck as his fingers tightened around hers, and it was as though some kind of spell had just been cast, making her do what she knew she shouldn’t be doing; she’d given him enough tonight. But it was like someone else was taking over every action she made right now. She wasn’t responsible for what was happening any more.
She pushed back against him, keeping her eyes closed as he let go of one of her hands, guiding himself back inside her before resting a hand on her hip, keeping her on him. A million and one memories flashed through her mind as she felt him thrust deeply, his breathing and the beating of her heart the only sounds she could hear as she realised just how much of her life this man had invaded. How much he’d taken over. And she didn’t want to cry; he was making love to her and she didn’t want to cry. But she couldn’t stop the tears, and she clung onto his hand, just wanting to see him now, she didn’t want it like this any more. She wanted to look at him.
‘Jim… please, I don’t want…’
He gently kissed the back of her neck, pulling out of her and turning her around. ‘Oh, Jesus, baby, I’m sorry.’
She shook her head, taking his hand again. ‘No. It’s not that. That’s not what’s making me…’ She looked up into his eyes. ‘I want to miss you, Jim. I want to be away from you so I can miss you.’
‘It doesn’t make any sense, Amber. Putting ourselves through this. It doesn’t make sense. How am I supposed to go back tonight knowing you’re this upset?’
‘I’m not upset.’ She smiled, reaching up to touch his cheek. ‘A bit confused, maybe. And you turning up like this hasn’t helped, but, I’m not upset. Okay? Maybe those baby hormones haven’t left me completely, huh?’
He took her hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing it. ‘I love you so much, and what I’ve done…’
She shook her head again. ‘No. Don’t. All of that, it’s over.’
‘Then why are you here, Amber? Why are you here, and I’m down in London all on my own?’
‘Just know that I love you,’ she whispered, her mouth moving closer to his. ‘And that is never gonna change.’
‘I don’t understand this…’
She pushed him down onto the chair beside them, straddling him. ‘It’s time to say goodbye, handsome.’
He lifted her up slightly, lowering her back down onto him, their eyes locked together as he slid back inside her, and it was the most beautiful feeling. A calming injection. A necessary need. ‘I told you, Amber, I’m not saying goodbye.’
‘We are gonna get through this,’ she whispered, her hands either side of his face, their mouths almost touching. ‘I promise.’
He held onto her hips, her slow rotations encouraging yet another killer climax out of him. ‘I know.’ Because he wasn’t going to have it any other way.
She continued to rotate her hips, pushing down on him, reaching down to touch herself because she knew he was about to come; she could feel it. And she wanted to share this, to end this journey together, so she closed her eyes and threw back her head, arching her back, pushing her breasts out, and he wasn’t going to waste that opportunity. His mouth was on her instantly. Just the touch of his tongue on her skin made her moan quietly as she felt that beautiful warmth start to spread through her. And when it hit her, it hit hard. She tried to keep the noise down, for Rico’s sake, but she couldn’t stop her cries from filling the room as he flooded her body with the kind of drug only he could give her. And it felt like the most glorious fix; something she’d needed to keep her sane and focus her mind even though, in reality, all this was doing was clouding everything.
‘Now you need to go,’ she said quietly.
‘Amber, baby…’
‘You need to go.’ She climbed off him, immediately picking up her robe and covering herself up. ‘Please, Jim.’
He pushed both hands through his hair. ‘This is crazy.’ He stood up, pulling his shirt back on.
‘Our whole relationship’s been crazy,’ Amber whispered, her heart breaking, a pain so physical it actually hurt.
‘Don’t I even get to see Rico?’ Jim aske
d, leaning back against the door, and all Amber wanted to do was pull him back into bed and ensure that he never left her side.
‘He’s asleep.’
‘Can I see him, Amber? Please? Can I just try and act as though all this is normal? Just for a few minutes?’
She folded her arms across her chest, moving a little closer to him. ‘Okay. But if he starts crying you’re not going anywhere until you’ve settled him.’
He smiled, reaching out for her, pulling her arms away from her. ‘You mean that?’
She couldn’t help smiling, too. ‘Don’t you dare, do you hear me? I need my sleep tonight. You’ve exhausted me.’
He pulled her against him, and she didn’t fight it. If it meant another minute in his arms she was going to take that. ‘This is still so fucked up, Amber.’
‘I know.’
‘I love you.’
‘I know that, too.’
‘And don’t think I won’t be back.’
‘Jim…’
His mouth on hers stopped her from protesting any more, and she fell against him, her fingers burying themselves in his hair as he kissed her long and deep. He was right, he was so right. This was so fucked up. But she just couldn’t think of any other way to deal with things right now. Although, she was slowly beginning to forget exactly what those things were.
‘I love you.’
She looked up into his eyes. ‘Go see Rico.’
She watched him walk across the hall, into Rico’s nursery. Watching from the open door as he picked up her tiny boy, holding him to him, kissing his forehead, the pain Amber had felt before intensified as Rico snuggled into Jim. Watching him rock her baby in his arms was something that hurt so much Amber couldn’t catch her breath for a second or two. Seeing the two most important men in her life together like that, and knowing that Rico wasn’t Jim’s, still hit her like a punch to the solar plexus. Because that was something that could never be resolved. It could never change. No matter how many times she prayed or wished or hoped for a miracle, it was never going to change.
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