‘This isn’t the way to deal with it, Ryan.’
‘Maybe there are reasons why it’s happening, Amber.’
‘I love my husband. Are you listening to what I’m telling you? I love Jim, so, this isn’t happening, and I… I don’t even know why I’m here any more because every minute without him hurts. And it isn’t even a pain I have to endure. I can have him. He’s mine. And I don’t know why I’m not with him.’
‘Even after everything he’s done?’ Ryan said, making no attempt to move away.
‘Even after everything he’s done,’ Amber whispered. ‘I love him that much. I know he hurt you, and I’m sorry he did that because, for a while, it got in the way. But I can’t do it. I can’t walk away from him. I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work. He’s walked away from me, and it just doesn’t work. Because he’s all I can think about.’
‘You thought about leaving him?’
She finally pulled on a t-shirt, a sign that this really was over now. ‘I thought about it. Because I’m not sure he can stop himself from doing all the crappy things he does. But I’m willing to try hard to learn to trust him. I’m willing to try, because I love him that much.’
Ryan’s eyes stared deep into hers. ‘I could never really compete with that, could I?’
She said nothing for a second or two, trying to let her own words sink in. Because she’d been talking to herself more than anyone just then. Telling herself what it was she was really feeling. Telling herself what it was she felt she should do. ‘Maybe it isn’t the best thing for me – maybe he isn’t the best thing for me, but I can’t walk away. If he’s out of my life I… I need him, Ryan.’
‘You never used to be so weak, Amber.’
She looked down, because looking into his eyes only hurt now. ‘I’ve always been this weak, Ryan. He just wasn’t around for a long time so I hid it. I tried to pretend I was a strong, independent woman…’
‘That’s exactly what you are, Amber.’
‘No.’ She shook her head, blinking back the tears that had started to well up behind her eyes. ‘It isn’t, Ryan. This is the real me – someone who can’t function without him. I can’t think straight or focus or…’
‘I can’t do this any more,’ Ryan said, grabbing his shirt from the bed before turning to face her. ‘You want to throw your life away on him, Amber, then you do that. You do whatever the hell you feel you have to do because I will never understand why you feel the need…’ He looked down, pushing a hand through his hair, sighing quietly before his eyes met hers one more time. ‘I love you. You remember that, okay? I love you.’
She watched as he left the room, closing her eyes and leaning back against the wall, waiting until she heard the sound of the front door slamming shut before she let the tears fall.
Sinking to the floor she hugged her knees to her chest, letting everything flood out of her; the confusion, the anger, the hurt. It all came tumbling out in a mess that she just couldn’t get a handle on, and she didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there, crying, but it was a knock at the door that roused her out of the well of self-pity she’d seemed to have sunk into.
She blinked a few times, breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. She wasn’t expecting anyone, and she wasn’t really in the mood for company. So maybe if she just ignored them, whoever it was would just go away. But another loud rap on the door told her that didn’t seem to be the case. So she pulled herself up, wiping her eyes again, running her fingers through her hair as she tried to compose herself.
It wasn’t until she got to the bottom of the stairs that she realised she was only wearing her knickers and a t-shirt, but as another sharp knock on the door told her this person wasn’t giving up, she figured she didn’t really have time to run back upstairs and pull on her jeans.
‘Who is it?’ she asked, taking another deep breath.
‘It’s your husband, baby.’
She closed her eyes for a second, her heart suddenly picking up a rhythm that was making her breathless. ‘Jim?’
‘Open the door, Amber. Come on, honey.’
She slowly opened it, a mixture of emotions forming in her head as she saw him standing there. His dark, slightly-greying hair was pushed back off his face, there was heavier than usual stubble on his jawline and those dark-green eyes of his were staring at her.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, his eyes narrowing slightly as he stepped inside, closing the door behind them.
‘I’m fine. What are you doing here?’ Did it matter? Isn’t this what she wanted? Her handsome husband back with her?
‘Come here.’ He held out his hand and she took it, letting him pull her against him, their bodies almost crashing together as his arm circled her waist, holding her tight, his mouth lowering down onto hers. And in that second she was lost in him, her hand snaking its way around the back of his neck, her fingers sliding into his hair, almost pushing his head down onto her as the kiss grew deeper. He was pushing her knickers down, and she helped him by wriggling out of them and kicking them away. And as he turned her around, almost slamming her back against the wall, she closed her eyes and gave in to it all, wrapping her legs around his hips as he lifted her up, pushing into her with a beautiful pain she’d take every time. Because it was him. Her first love. Her handsome footballer. Her beautiful American man. It was him. So she’d take it. All of it.
His breathing was so heavy, so loud. Amber clung onto him, burying her fingers in his hair as he thrust in and out of her so fast it was making it difficult for her to catch her own breath. Every thrust was pushing her back against the wall, but she didn’t care because he was here. They were together, and that was all that mattered.
It took just seconds for the inevitable to happen and as he came in a rush so fast and strong she couldn’t help but cry out loud, that cry becoming even louder as her own climax hit just seconds later. And he held her as she shuddered in his arms, burying her face in his hair as that powerful, white-hot jolt shot through her so quickly it literally took her breath away.
She kept her legs wrapped around him as both their bodies jerked to a halt, their breathing still heavy and shallow. ‘You’ve been crying,’ he whispered, gently pulling out of her.
She looked up at him as he slowly put her down, zipping himself back up. ‘I’m fine.’
He paused for a second before speaking again. ‘Has he been here?’
Her eyes stayed locked on his, even though that last question had caused her heart to skip a beat, a mild panic suddenly washing over her.
‘Ryan. Has he been here, Amber?’
‘I… he’s Rico’s dad, Jim, so… so of course he’s been here.’
‘I wasn’t talking about him being here as Rico’s dad. I meant, has he been here, with you?’
She narrowed her eyes as she continued to stare at him. Why couldn’t she say anything? Her silence was speaking volumes.
‘You know what they’re saying, don’t you?’ Jim went on, taking the newspaper out of his back pocket and throwing it down onto the hall table; the picture of her and Ryan out with their baby stared up at her. ‘They’re saying you two are growing closer. That now you and I have separated…’
‘We haven’t separated,’ she said quietly, her eyes not leaving that photograph. They’d managed to catch her at a point when Ryan had made her smile, and maybe it could give off slightly misleading signals. But that really hadn’t been the case.
‘No. I know we haven’t separated, Amber, but it would seem everybody else has their own ideas.’
‘This is crazy…’
‘No, what’s crazy, honey, is you doing whatever the fuck it is you’re doing up here, feeding all this crap to the paparazzi and journalists who know absolutely nothing about our relationship… that’s crazy. Now tell me, Amber, has he been here?’
‘Yes.’ Her voice was steady. Calm, even, which surprised her. ‘He’s been here.’
‘Jesus…’ Jim turned
away, pushing a hand through his hair.
‘Nothing went on, Jim. He was here for Rico, that’s all.’
He looked at her, his eyes serious and dark. ‘So, you’re telling me that he hasn’t tried to talk you into going back to him? Never? Not once? All through your afternoon together yesterday, all the time he was here, in this house… how long was he in this house, Amber?’
‘He came to see Rico.’
‘Did he stay the night?’
‘Jim…’
‘Did he stay the night, Amber?’
‘Jim, please, nothing happened…’
He threw his head back and let out the loudest of cynical laughs. ‘So, the rumours are true, huh?’
‘Nothing happened,’ Amber repeated slowly.
‘Nothing?’ Jim’s eyes were back on hers. ‘Okay. Then I’ll ask again. When he was here, he didn’t once try to talk you into going back to him?’
Amber broke the stare, looking down at the ground as another wave of now-familiar guilt washed over her.
‘Were you dressed like that? When he was here? All ready to give him exactly what he wanted…’
Her head shot back up. ‘Nothing happened.’
‘He didn’t even try to kiss you?’
Once more that wave of guilt hit her, and it must have registered on her face because Jim’s expression changed in an instant, his eyes once more darkening as he looked at her. ‘Did he touch you?’
‘Jim, please…’
‘Did he touch you, Amber?’ He reached out, sliding a hand up her t-shirt until his fingers reached her breast, stroking it gently. ‘Did he touch you?’
And even though Amber wanted to break the stare now, she couldn’t. ‘I pushed him away,’ she whispered. How could she stand there and lie to him? Because that’s what she was doing. She was lying to him.
‘You pushed him away,’ Jim repeated, his hand still cupping her breast, his eyes still boring into hers. ‘So, you didn’t fuck him?’
She felt those tears start to well up again and she blinked them away, desperate not to cry, not now. ‘No.’
‘Did you want to?’
‘No.’ She hadn’t even left a beat there before answering.
‘But he wanted to fuck you.’
‘Please, Jim, don’t do this.’
He pulled his hand away, cocking his head slightly as he stared at her. ‘Don’t do this? What? Don’t get angry that he touched you? Don’t get upset that he got too close to you, that he saw you naked and that he wanted to fuck you? Don’t get angry that you let it get that far because, let me tell you, Amber, if you hadn’t wanted that – somewhere, deep down inside, if you hadn’t wanted that, you would never have let him into this house.’
‘He’s Rico’s dad.’
‘You would never have let him into this house… Jesus! I can’t believe this is happening all over again.’
‘Nothing is happening, Jim. I pushed him away.’
‘But you let him get so close, Amber.’ His voice was a little calmer now, his eyes a little softer as they stared into hers. ‘Did he kiss you?’
She stared back at him. The man she loved beyond anything else. ‘Yes.’
Jim turned away again, raking both hands through his hair.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, backing up against the wall, clasping her hands behind her back, twisting her wedding ring round and round her finger. ‘I’m so sorry. This is such a mess…’
‘All I ever wanted was you.’ Jim turned back around, although he couldn’t meet her gaze. ‘That’s all I ever wanted.’
‘I love you, Jim.’
‘Do you?’ This time his eyes did meet hers. ‘Do you really love me? Because, I’m just not sure that you do, Amber. Otherwise… otherwise why would you still keep running back to him?’
‘I didn’t run to him…’
‘Didn’t you?’
‘Don’t do this, Jim. Please.’
‘You shouldn’t have let him touch you.’
‘I didn’t mean it to go that far.’ Her voice was quiet, nerves making it slightly shaky.
His eyes narrowed as they bored into hers. ‘I can’t believe you let him touch you.’
‘I was confused.’
‘That excuse isn’t gonna work any more, Amber. We’re all fucking confused, but the one thing I can’t even think of right now is running to anyone else. And the thought of him, touching you… that kills me.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Her voice was barely a whisper now, so quiet she wasn’t even sure of what she’d said herself.
‘They’re gonna pull us apart, Amber, because of this. They’re gonna take all that ammunition you’re throwing at them and they’re gonna pull us apart, and he’ll jump on that…’
‘They’ll only pull us apart if we let them, Jim.’
He shook his head, taking a step back. ‘No. We can stand here and shout from the fucking rooftops that everything is fine and we’re still together and anything else that we know to be true; we know it’s true. But they are gonna pull us apart.’
‘That isn’t my fault…’
‘Of course it’s your fucking fault, Amber! You’re the one who, for some reason I will never understand, ran here because you couldn’t get your head around something that was over. It was finished. And no harm was done.’
‘No harm was done? You tried to destroy him, Jim.’
‘Because he’s a fucking threat, Amber.’
She stared at him, not sure he’d meant to say that out loud.
‘You’re coming back home, with me, do you hear? Right now. Today. You’re coming back home.’
‘I am home,’ she said quietly. ‘And you don’t get to tell me what to do.’
‘I’m your husband.’ His voice was low, and he’d taken a couple of steps forward, but he wasn’t going to do this to her. He wasn’t going to control her. ‘You’re coming home, with me.’
She couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. ‘I’m not that infatuated teenager any more, Jim.’ Wasn’t she? ‘I love you. Baby, I do. But you don’t get to order me around like some downtrodden wife who jumps at your every word.’
‘That’s not what I’m…’
‘You can either let the press destroy us, or we can try and prove them all wrong. But you don’t get to do this to me.’
‘You’re coming home,’ he whispered, his face close to hers now, his breath warm on her skin, but she meant what she said. He wasn’t doing this to her. Yes, she wanted him, and yes, she wanted to go back home, get their lives back on track. But not this way. Not because he’d told her she had to.
‘When I’m ready.’ Her voice had regained some composure now. It was steady and it was calm, but underneath she was scared. But of what, though? Of this kicking off and turning into something that meant she lost him? Was that really going to happen?’
‘This ends, Amber. Right here, right now. It ends.’
She shook her head, laughing that quiet, disbelieving laugh again.
‘You’re walking away from me?’ he said, his voice almost incredulous, which in turn made Amber swing back around to face him.
‘While you’re talking to me like that, yes. I’m walking away from you.’
‘Hey, honey, I’m not the one fucking around – again.’
She’d slapped him before she’d even had a chance to realise what she’d done. Her hand was stinging from the force. ‘Maybe it’s time you left now.’
He slowly turned his head back to face her, his hand on his cheek as he stared straight at her. ‘You want to play that kind of game, Amber, then bring it on, baby.’
‘I’m not doing this, Jim.’ She turned to walk away again but he grabbed her wrist, swinging her around, pushing her back against the wall.
‘Did you like it? When he touched you?’
‘I’ve told you, I’m not doing this.’ She pushed him away, walking into the living room, sitting down on the couch, clasping her hands together in her lap. A new confusion had swept over her n
ow. And she had no clue what to do next.
She heard him walk into the room and she stood up, looking over at him. His jacket was off now, his shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, his dark, grey-flecked hair falling down over his eyes. She hadn’t realised how much he’d let it grow over the past few months. How much sexier it made him look.
‘Baby, I’m sorry. But my head is so fucked-up right now…’
She couldn’t say anything to that. Hers wasn’t exactly straight either.
‘You let him touch you.’
‘I pushed him away.’
‘That doesn’t matter.’
‘Then what exactly are we doing here, Jim?’
He came a little closer. ‘I’m not letting you go.’
‘Then stop this crap and let’s talk about things.’
‘Are you sure he didn’t fuck you?’
‘Oh, Jesus. Enough, Jim! Now either get out, or we talk about this because it’s… this, it’s scaring me, okay? It’s scaring me.’
‘Losing you scares me,’ he whispered, bending his head to kiss her neck, and despite herself she let him, closing her eyes as his lips ran over her skin, his hand resting on her hip.
‘No.’ She gently pushed him away.
‘No?’ He narrowed his eyes as he looked at her, pulling his hand away from her hip.
‘No,’ she repeated. ‘Not like this. It doesn’t feel right.’
‘Did it feel right when he touched you? Huh?’
‘Do you see what I mean?’ Her voice was barely audible; she could see him straining to hear her. ‘You need to go and come back when you’ve calmed down.’
‘I am calm, Amber.’
She shook her head. ‘Not like this.’
He moved closer again, and even though she tried to summon up every ounce of strength she had left inside she could do nothing to stop him from reaching out to touch her. ‘I’m not throwing this away, honey. Not again. Okay, he touched you…’ From out of somewhere she found that tiny bit of strength she needed to push him away again, but he was too quick for her, once more grabbing her wrist so she had no option left but to look at him. ‘I need to know you love me, Amber.’
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