by Pat Conroy
I kept that cry to myself, in fact, did not even admit that it was something I heard or felt. I concentrated on the task of raising Leah in a culture alien to me and I hired a maid named Maria Parise from the Umbrian countryside and watched with pleasure as she took over the task of mothering Leah. Maria was a simple, strong-willed woman, God-fearing and superstitious, as only a peasant can be, who brought an undiminishable joy to the raising of this small motherless American.
In a short amount of time Leah became part of the native fauna around the Palazzo Farnese, a beloved romanina adopted by the people who lived and plied their trades around the piazza, and she rapidly turned into the first real linguist produced by my family. Her Italian was flawless as she navigated the teeming stalls along the Campo dei Fiori with its wild rivers of fruit and cheese and olives. Very early on, I taught Leah how to tell where we were in the Campo by using her sense of smell. The south side was glazed with the smell of slain fish and no amount of water or broomwork could ever eliminate the tincture of ammonia scenting that part of the piazza. The fish had written their names in those stones. But so had the young lambs and the coffee beans and the torn arugula and the glistening tiers of citrus and the bread baking that produced a golden brown perfume from the great ovens. I whispered to Leah that a sense of smell was better than a yearbook for imprinting the delicate graffiti of time in the memory. I knew that Leah had developed a bloodhound’s nose when in the middle of the second year she stopped me as we passed by the Ruggeri brothers’ alimentari and said, “The truffles have arrived, Daddy, they’re here,” as I caught that signature odor of pure earth. As a reward, I bought Leah a fraction of that truffle, priced as dearly as uranium, and sliced it into her scrambled eggs the next morning.
The raising of Leah consumed a large portion of my days and made me place my own sorrow over the loss of Shyla in a seldom visited back lot of my life, allowing me no time to devote to my own complex feelings over her death. Leah’s happiness superseded everything in my life and I was determined I would not pass our family’s infinite capacity for suffering on to her. I knew that Leah, as Shyla’s child and my own, would get more than her portion of the genes of grief. Together, our families contained enough sad stories to jump-start a colony of lemmings toward the nearest body of water. I had no idea if the seeds of our madness burned in secret deposits in my beautiful child’s bloodstream or not. But I vowed to protect her from those stories, from both sides of her family, that could set in motion the forces that had brought me spiritually bloody and beaten to the Fiumicino airport in the first place. I confess that I became the censor of my daughter’s history. The South that I described to Leah at bedtime every night existed only in my imagination. It admitted no signs of danger or nightmare. There was no dark side to the Southern moon that I recalled to my daughter, and the rivers ran clean and the camellias were always in bloom. It was a South that existed without sting or thorns or heartache.
Because I have inherited my family’s gift for storytelling, my well-told lies became Leah’s memories. Without realizing it, I made the mistake of turning South Carolina into a lost and secret paradise to my daughter. By carefully editing what I thought would harm her, I turned my childhood into something as glamorous as forbidden fruit. Though Rome would mark her with its most exacting emblems, I did not note the exact moment I touched my child with a lust to see the fierce, rarefied beauty of her birthplace. Even as Leah became part of the secrets that Rome whispered, she was not a native of the city, not indigenous like the flowery lichens that grew along the wall that held back the Tiber.
Almost every night in Rome, when I put Leah to bed, I would tell her a different story about either my or her mother’s childhood. But there was one story she had me tell and retell over and over until it took on a fixed, by-the-numbers quality as rote as a catechist’s response. Again and again, she would have me repeat the story of the night that Shyla and I first fell in love. Though we had grown up in houses that backed up to each other, had played together as toddlers, had waved back and forth from our bedroom windows, we had rarely thought of ourselves as anything other than best pals. I came from a family of five brothers and Shyla was the closest thing to a sister I ever had. Until the night on the beach in our senior year, when Shyla approached me in a most unsisterly fashion.
“I bet you flirted with Mama first,” Leah would say.
“I did not,” I said. “I was shy.”
“Then why aren’t you shy now?” she teased.
“Because your mother helped me make a delightful discovery,” I said. “That I had a terrific personality.”
“Even in high school?” Leah laughed, knowing the answer.
“I didn’t have a personality in high school,” I said. “I had pimples.”
“But you dated Ledare Ansley, the class goddess, the head cheerleader,” Leah said.
“She was shy too, though no one thinks a pretty girl has any right to be bashful. Because we were both afraid of everything, we made a perfect team.”
“Her mother didn’t like you at all,” Leah said.
“She thought Ledare could do a lot better,” I said. “She had a way of looking at me when I picked up Ledare as though I were a urine sample.”
“You are always so crude,” said Leah. “But you get mad at me if I’m crude ever.”
“I never get mad at you. My job is to adore you. I find it easy.”
“Go on with the story. Tell me about you and Mama falling in love. Get to the good part, to the beach party. Get to Mama, Capers Middleton, Mike, and Jordan.”
As I spoke, my voice crossing the years and the Atlantic, Leah would always look at the photograph of her lovely, wide-eyed mother that rested on the bedside table. I knew that the story made her love her mother more deeply, feel closer to her in a way nothing else could, and it was just what I intended.
“I first fell in love with Shyla Fox, a girl I had known my whole life, on St. George’s Island.”
“It was St. Michael’s Island,” Leah corrected. “It’s the island just before the Isle of Orion, where your mama lives now.”
“That’s right,” I said, always pleased by her attention to detail. “A friend of mine was throwing a party at his father’s house.”
“It was Capers Middleton. His father owned the Coca-Cola bottling company in Waterford. He lived in the nicest mansion on Bay Street.”
“Good girl. His father owned the beach house …”
“And Mama had dated Capers and a lot of other boys. She was real popular in high school, the sweetheart of Waterford High School. But Capers had brought her to the party.”
“You gonna tell this story or you gonna let me?” I asked.
“You. I love the way you tell it,” Leah said, her eyes resting again on her mother’s picture.
Then I would begin in earnest, going back to St. Michael’s Island during that storm-tossed year of northeast winds when the erosion along the barrier islands reached dangerous levels. On the shifting, undermined beach where part of an ancient forest was newly underwater to the north, the baseball team of Waterford High was throwing a party at high tide. It was the night it was predicted the Middleton house would begin to break up and fall into the sea. Four houses, a mile to the south, had been lost during the last spring tides. Though the house was condemned and abandoned, we were giving it a going-away party. Already it had begun to shift seaward, to lean toward the chased silver of the incoming breakers. The surf kept time to our dancing and counted out loud the slipping away of those last hours we would ever be teenagers. All of us had been there at the birth of rock and roll and we had done our part in putting rhythm and desire to music as we danced our way in both wildness and innocence through high school. The authorities had declared the house off-limits and we had broken through the sheriff’s lock and liberated the house for one last party at flood tide.
I was almost eighteen and still in possession of that crazy edge of a teenager. Full of bravado and Maker’s Mark, I had
boasted that I was going to be in that house when it set sail from its anchorage on the old Seaside Road. Ledare Ansley, my date, had too much horse sense to stay in that tilted house illuminated only by the headlights of cars my teammates had driven to the party. On the way to the island, Ledare had told me sweetly that it was time we began seeing other people, that her parents were insisting that we break up soon after graduation. I nodded my head, not in agreement, but because I had not yet found my voice, which lay hidden under a hormonal frenzy that struck me nearly dumb. She also confided in me that she was going to ask Capers Middleton to accompany her to her debut at Charleston’s St. Cecelia Society’s Ball. My origins were iffy and much rougher than Ledare’s, and my mother had warned me for years that this night was coming, but she’d never told me it would hurt as badly as it did.
The whole team and their dates had begun the night dancing to the music of transistor radios; the local station, WBEU, playing all the songs that had accompanied our class through four years of high school. The sea rose invisibly beneath us and the moon shone smooth and bright. A glossy flute of light, like velvet down a bridal aisle, lit the marlin scales and the backs of whales migrating a hundred miles at sea. The tides surged through the marsh and each wave that hit the beach came light-struck and broad-shouldered, with all the raw power the moon could bestow. Magically, an hour passed and we, ocean dancers and tide challengers, found ourselves listening to the sea directly beneath us as the waves began to crash in earnest against the house. Previous tides had already loosened the pilings and foundations pressing the house into the sands. When the noise of the surge and the breakup of concrete and wood grew too loud, many of my teammates and their dates broke prudently and ran for the line of cars and safety, as the water continued to rise beyond all believing. This great tide would eventually rise just over eight feet and it looked as though it meant to overwhelm the whole island. More and more of the dancers broke and ran laughing as the sea began to take the house apart from below. The salt-rusted nails were moaning like cellos in the grain of endangered wood. I was in the middle of doing the shag to “Annie Had a Baby” when a wave tore off the banister of the front porch and I lost my partner, Ledare Ansley, who fled outside with most of the others, squealing with fear and wearing my letterman’s jacket.
Left alone, I took my pint of Maker’s Mark up to the top floor and went out onto the deck just off the master bedroom. I stood face to face with the moon and the ocean and the future that spread out with all its bewildering immensity before me. It was a time in my life when many things bored me deeply and I hungered for beauty and those realms of pure elation granted to those who had the imagination to know what to look for and how to find it. It was one of the reasons I loved playing right field for the baseball team during that long season as we sparred on the immaculate fields in the sheer beauty of the game’s discipline, a law unto itself. Right field was a home place for thinkers if you had the arm to keep the swift boys from going from first to third on a double. I had the arm and the mineral patience of the daydreamer and I roamed the outfield green, lamb happy and nervous when southpaws came to the plate.
A door opened behind me.
“Mama!” Leah squealed.
I looked around to see Shyla Fox in the moonlight. She looked as though she had dressed for this moment with the help of the moon. Bowing deeply, Shyla asked me if she could have the pleasure of this dance.
So we danced toward the central motion of our lives. The winds roared and a strange love rose like a tide between us and rested in the crown of waves that was loosening the frame of the house. Alone we danced beneath the full moon and the battery-powered light of cars as the team and their dates cheered each time they saw the giant shift taking place in the water-damaged foundation. As the Atlantic waters rose in a sanctioned dance of wave and tide, the house began to sway like the first terrible lifting of Noah’s Ark. We could hear the other five remaining couples as they screamed with pleasure and terror in that room directly beneath us. I held Shyla closely, dancing with the girl who had taught me how to dance on the veranda of my house. Outside, the players and their dates were begging us to abandon the foundering house and join them at the driftwood fires. They screamed out of worry and honked their car horns out of pure admiration for our daring.
Then the house shuddered as a large wave struck against its cinder-block foundation. Though I felt that same chilling fear that had sent the others running out of the house, Shyla’s eyes held me as we listened to the hammering of the waves beneath us. The cries of our friends now turned to pleas each time a wave washed down over the broken-up road, the salt spray exploding off the beaten-down tarmac that had eroded over time like a cookie half-eaten by a child.
A deck piling snapped outside, loud as a rifle shot. On the radio the Drifters began to sing “Save the Last Dance for Me.” Together, as though this scene had long been choreographed in some zodiacal prophecy, we said together and with no hesitation, “My favorite song.”
From first note to last, we danced the song that became ours at that very moment. We were silent above the lapping waters as I spun her into the changed shape of a girl who looked at me as none other had. Before her eyes, I felt like a prince fresh-born on the crests of the light-driven waves. She granted me a beauty I did not have and my soul turned proud in the fury of her centered wanting of me. Watching, I felt her ardor creating something glittering and good from my heart. It was then that she led me into the bedroom and I found myself on the torn carpet with Shyla’s lips pressed against mine, her tongue against my tongue, and I heard the fierceness and urgency of her whisper: “Fall in love with me, Jack, I dare you to fall in love with me.”
Before I could answer, I heard the house shudder once again and push off as it took its first primal step toward the sea. The house tilted, then fell forward as though it were prostrating itself before the power of this once-in-a-lifetime tidal surge. It felt as though a mountain were trying to rise up beneath us.
We left the rug and went out to the newly imbalanced balcony, holding hands to steady ourselves. The moon lit the sea in a freeway of papery light and we watched the boiling white caps feeding on the broken cement scattered beneath the house. We continued to dance while the house kept its appointment with the long tide and I blazed with the love of this young girl.
Our love began and ended with seawater. Later, I would often wish that Shyla and I had entered into a lovers’ pact that night and remained in that water-damaged house, enclosed in each other’s arms, and had let the ocean pour through the open windows until we rose in some invisible withdrawal and allowed the sea to pull us in a death clench out toward the Gulf Stream and beyond all hurt of history.
When I saw Shyla last I identified her broken body at the city morgue with the Charleston coroner in attendance. He was a man of great compassion and he left me alone as I wept over her all but unrecognizable form. I prayed out Catholic prayers over her because they were the only ones I knew and they came as easily as tears, if only half-remembered. She was bloated from her time in the water, leaving all signs of her prettiness in the shallows of the harbor, and the crabs had done their work. Something caught my eye as I rose to leave her and I bent down and turned her arm. On her left forearm was tattooed the number 36 364 04.
“It was recently done,” the coroner said quietly. “Any idea why?”
“Her father was at Auschwitz,” I said. “It’s his number.”
“That’s a first,” he said. “You think you’ve seen everything here. But that’s certainly a first. Odd. Was she very close to her father?”
“Not at all. They barely spoke.”
“You going to tell the daddy about the tattoo?”
“No. It’d kill him,” I said, looking at Shyla’s body for the last time.
My name is Jack McCall and I fled to Rome to raise my daughter in peace. Now, in 1985, as I went up the spiral staircase that led to my terrace and a rooftop view of Rome, I took a music box that Shyla had giv
en me as a present on our fifth wedding anniversary. Winding it, I looked over the Roman night. Far off, a bell struck, sounding much like a lost angel, and a breeze came off the Tiber. The music box played Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 21, one of my favorite pieces of music in the world. The air was heavy with the dinner smells rising from Er Giggetto’s restaurant below: grilled lamb, mint leaves, and sage. I closed my eyes and saw Shyla’s face again.
From inside the music box I took the letter she had mailed to me on the day of her death and looked at how she had written my name. Her handwriting was pretty and she took special care whenever she put my name on paper. I thought about reading it again but instead I listened to the traffic moving past the Tiber and lifted the gold necklace from the music box. It had been a gift from her mother received at her sweet sixteen party and she had never taken it off until that final day. The necklace had become part of my memory of our lovemaking. In her will, Shyla made it clear she wanted Leah to wear it when “she was old enough to understand the nature of the gift.” Shyla’s parents had asked for the return of the necklace when they sued me for custody of my child. Because it seemed like such a talisman of evil and bad luck to me, I had often thought of mailing it to them with no note or return address. It was only a necklace to me that night and I put it back in the music box.