‘How about a six month sabbatical?’ Even as I said it I knew Marcus, head honcho of Ben’s advertising office, would never agree. ‘Or just go for it: hand in your notice, sell the house and travel for a few months. You’re a free man. I noticed you’ve already got the rucksack. How about doing the Trans Canadian Railway journey you’ve fantasised about for years?’
‘Now there’s a tempting thought.’ Ben drained his glass. ‘What are you planning to do when you come back? We could go travelling together. Or, I could keep the house and you could move back in. You…’ he hesitated, ‘… you could forgive me and we could try again?’
His words fell into a silence, a horrible silence that lengthened between us as I tried desperately to find the right words to make him realise he was going down the wrong path with that thought – but without adding to the hurt he was already feeling. He had to realise that while I’d move on and could forgive him, I’d never forget what he did. As I’d explained to Nino, I would never be able to trust him again. Harsh but true.
‘Ben, I have no idea yet what I’m going to do when I stop pretending to be Shirley Valentine but I do know a few things. One, you left me. Two, we’re divorced. There is no way we’re going to get back together again. Though for Katie’s sake, I hope we can remain friends. Three, I know you’re hurting after Samantha but you’ve got to move on with your life. Get a new job. Take that train journey. Just. Do. Something. Different. Reclaim your life – the way you want it to be. Then hopefully, you’ll meet someone new. And now, I think I’d like to go home.’
I felt a bit mean when I saw the look on his face, but really – what did he expect me to say? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way. I know damn well what he expected and wanted me to say. Instead he got me going all evangelical about how he needed to change his life and get back on track. Well he does! Have to say, I never expected to be playing agony aunt to Ben.
10th October.
After my mini rant at him that night in the restaurant, Ben walked me home in silence and then he returned to the bar – where he got drunk. I know this because Jacques phoned the next morning to tell me, and to remind me he’d need the room back soon.
Today Ben turned up here at lunchtime with flowers, wine, cheese, baguettes and an apologetic smile. Oh, I forgot the box of luxury chocolates.
‘Peace offerings,’ he said as I opened the door. ‘I’m hoping you’ll share some of them with me.’
I hadn’t had lunch yet, so I let him in. ‘You’re looking better,’ I said, placing the flowers in some water and taking the glasses out to the terrace where he was setting out the cheese and baguettes. ‘Here, you’ll need this for the wine,’ I handed him the corkscrew. ‘I’ll fetch some plates.’
‘You’ll be relieved to hear I’ve booked my return ticket,’ he said. ‘I’m going back to sort out the mess that is my life.’ He handed me a glass of rosé. ‘That’s the good news. You wanna ask me what the bad news is?’
I shook my head. ‘No, but you’re going to tell me anyway.’
‘Earliest flight I could get was for tomorrow, and Jacques…’
‘… Jacques needs the room tonight,’ I sighed, realising I’d been caught out by originally altering the room’s availability. ‘OK. You can stay here for your last night but I get to eat all those chocolates.’
‘Deal,’ Ben said laughing.
Later, after we’d polished off most of the cheese and baguettes, not to mention the wine, I asked, ‘So, what’s the plan then?’
Before Ben could answer, the apartment door opened and Eliosa called out, ‘Coo-ee.’
‘Eliosa, meet my ex-husband Ben,’ I said, greeting her with our customary cheek kisses. ‘You’ll have a glass of wine with us?’
As I fetched another bottle of wine and a glass from the kitchen, I heard Eliosa say, ‘I see now where Katie got her beautiful blue eyes from.’ A remark that was sure to please Ben.
‘I come to tell you I go home to Italy for a week or two. My brother, he says we need a family conference. Besides, poor Nino needs somebody on his side.’
‘Nino?’ Ben asked.
‘My nephew and a friend of Jessica’s,’ Eliosa said. ‘He has a problem. And Giovani, my brother, he no leave him to sort it out himself.’
‘Families,’ Ben said. ‘We’re all dysfunctional in some way these days, aren’t we?’
Eliosa nodded. ‘It would seem. Anyway, I’m off in about half an hour. Jamie has very kindly offered to drive me to the airport, so I’d better finish packing.’
‘Don’t let Giovani bully you when you get home,’ I said, going to the door with her. ‘Give Nino my…’ I hesitated. Regards was too formal.
Eliosa leaned in and whispered, ‘Give him your love?’
I smiled and nodded before whispering back, ‘Yes.’ In my normal voice I said, ‘Tell Jamie to give me a ring sometime. It’s ages since I’ve seen him.’
Ben regarded me thoughtfully when I went back out on the terrace. I second-guessed what he was going to ask before he opened his mouth. So answered his question before he asked it.
‘Jamie is an expat friend and Matt’s father. Lives in one of the perched villages out behind Nice. Used to work with Bella actually. That’s how I met him.’
‘And Nino?’
‘Eliosa’s nephew, like she said. I’ve only met him a couple of times. He seems very nice.’ Too early to say anything about Nino and me. Besides, it’s none of Ben’s business.
Ben left soon after to go and pick up his things from Jacques’. I checked the spare bedroom out and put fresh towels in the bathroom while he was gone, and then did some work on my book. I knew if Ben was here for the evening there would be no chance of me doing any work. I’d have to feed him too.
11th October.
In the end, having Ben staying in the apartment for his last night turned out OK. He insisted on ordering a Chinese rather than letting me cook – mind you, I didn’t protest too much. We sat out on the terrace for ages talking, and this time when I asked him what his plans were once he got back home, he answered, ‘I’ll give Marcus time to find a replacement for me, about two months should do it I think, then I’m going to set up my own agency. I’m not going to put the house on the market – since buying you out, my new mortgage means there’s not a lot of equity left in it. So, I’m going to turn the dining room into my office, work from home and rent a couple of the bedrooms out.’
‘Finally, you’re sounding more like the old Ben,’ I said. ‘Upbeat and positive. Good luck with it.’
‘What about you? Where are you going to live when you come back?’
I shrugged. ‘Haven’t given it much thought yet. I know I can always move in with Bella for a bit while I sort something.’
‘Want to reserve one of my new bedsits? At the going rate of course.’
I looked at him. ‘You are joking?’
‘Yes, but seriously... if you ever need somewhere as a last resort, the door will always be open for you. No strings.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Right, I’m going to bed,’ Ben said. ‘Jacques booked a taxi for five-thirty tomorrow morning for me.’
‘I’d forgotten there was such a time. Goodnight then. Ben?’ He turned to look at me.
‘I’m truly sorry things didn’t work out for you and Sam, and I’m desperately sorry Eric turned out not to be yours.’
He gave me a brief smile. ‘Wasn’t meant to be, I guess. C’est la vie, as Jacques would say.’
12th October.
Talk about déjà vu. I can’t tell you how weird it felt getting up at five o’clock yesterday to see Ben off. It was such a wifely thing to do – something I had often done in the past when Ben was working away. After the hurried coffee and the toast, the only things missing were the goodbye kiss and the entreaty to ‘ring me when you get there.’
Instead of going back to bed, I took another cup of coffee and sat out on the balcony – watching my little bit of Juan-les-Pins come to life
, and thinking. Having sent Ben off to sort his life out, it hit me that I’m going to have to start seriously thinking about organising my own life for when my Shirley Valentine alter ego has to say goodbye after Christmas.
The past ten months have been wonderful. Better than I could ever have imagined. I know I’m a different person to the woman who came out here, on a whim, to live an unfamiliar life for a year. No. That’s wrong.
I’m not a different person. I’ve rediscovered the younger me – the person I was before Ben and Katie. The woman who allowed her own dreams to be pushed aside first by a husband and then by family responsibilities.
Well, now I have neither. I’m a divorcee and my daughter is an independent young woman. Oh, I still feel a mother’s responsibility for Katie which will never go away. I suspect that children arrive with a little “worry embryo” that latches on to your heart the moment your newborn is placed in your arms for the first time. It’s an embryo that never stops growing and never goes away.
So, do I still have those dreams and ambitions I had twenty-three years ago? To a certain extent, yes I do. But I’m older and wiser so I also know life is full of compromises around which dreams have to be re-shaped sometimes. All I have to do now is work out what I want to do with my life in the future, and then find the middle ground that will allow me to do it. Easy! Not.
14th October.
Katie rang this evening, so I told her about Ben turning up here and why. ‘Think he’d like to hear from his favourite daughter,’ I said. ‘He’s been very hurt. Have you still got stuff in your old room, by the way?’
‘Yes.’
‘Think you may need to pick it up. Dad has plans.’
‘What kind of plans?’
I refused to tell her what plans, feeling that Ben should tell her his news himself. ‘Phone him.’
‘Hmm, OK. I’ll phone him later. At least I know she won’t answer the phone.’
‘So, how’s life in Bristol?’
‘Lovely. And Matt is lovely too before you ask. Have you seen Jamie recently?’
‘No. Why?’
‘It’s just that Matt is a bit worried about him. Every time he rings home, Jamie is either not there or just on his way out – and he never wants to talk to Matt. You got any idea why?’
‘Not a clue. I’ll ring him this week and invite him for lunch. Give him the third-degree and see if I can discover anything, shall I?’
‘Yes – but please don’t tell him I told you Matt is worried.’
17th October.
Well I did as I promised and invited Jamie to lunch. Seemed his normal charming self to me. Brought me wine and chocolates. In fact, he looked the happiest I’d ever seen him in the few months I’d known him. And talk about fit – in a tanned and trim way.
‘You been working out? You’re looking very healthy – and happy,’ I said when I opened the door to him.
‘I am. Best thing I ever did, moving down here permanently. Life is almost perfect.’
‘Almost perfect?’ I asked, leading the way out to the terrace where lunch was waiting.
He hesitated. ‘I can’t – shouldn’t – really talk about it, but I’ve met someone. Someone special.’
Ah, so Matt had been right thinking there was something his dad was avoiding telling him. I poured a glass of rosé and handed it to him.
‘Why can’t you talk about it – her?’
‘It’s difficult. I promised I wouldn’t until it’s sorted out.’
‘Sounds intriguing. What’s so…’ I stopped mid-sentence. ‘She’s married, isn’t she? Oh Jamie. That is so not a good idea.’
‘No, no, she’s not married. There are… other difficulties, and I’m having a hard time persuading her to let me be a part of her life. But I’m working on it. Now I’ve met her, I can’t imagine a life without her in it.’ He drank some wine before saying, ‘Right enough about me. How are you?’
‘Me? I’m fine. Katie and Matt are happy too. Have you spoken to Matt recently?’ Had to ask, didn’t I?
Jamie shook his head. ‘No. I’ve missed several calls from him. Sent him an e-mail last night asking how things were going.’
My first reaction to that was to think ‘Mmm, easier to avoid being questioned that way’ – but I didn’t say anything, and decided to let the subject drop. At least he’d made contact with Matt.
‘Shall we eat?’ I said. ‘I’m afraid I’ve cheated over lunch today, I raided the local delicatessen for quiches and our dessert.’
I laughed as we sat down. ‘Never done so much entertaining in my life as I have out here. I’ve become a real lady wot lunches.’ I sighed. ‘Going to miss it when I get back to the UK.’
‘You don’t have to. Just resolve to entertain more when you get back,’ Jamie said.
‘Won’t be the same though, will it? The weather for a start. No sitting out on a terrace in October without a jumper or gloves.’
‘Have you decided what you’re going to do, where you’re going to live when you get back?’ Jamie asked.
‘The living somewhere bit is easy – Bella’s offered me house room while I find somewhere permanent. It’s all the rest that’s difficult. Job. Location.’
‘Difficult but exciting too, in a way,’ Jamie said. ‘A whole new beginning for the rest of your life.’
Put like that, it sounded scary. ‘I’ve still got a couple of months to work it all out,’ I said.
Jamie’s mobile beeped just then and he quickly glanced at it. ‘Excuse me. I’d like to answer this,’ and he went into the kitchen, pulling the door closed behind him. Hmm, his new secret woman?
‘You look happy?’ I said when he re-appeared on the terrace five minutes later.
He nodded. ‘I have a feeling somebody’s resolve to keep me on the fringes of her life has weakened. She wants me to go to a party with her next weekend.’
‘Great. I’ll make coffee shall I?’ I said, moving past him into the kitchen and switching on the percolator.
‘Jessica, you won’t mention anything I’ve told you about me having met someone special to Katie, will you?’ Jamie said, following me into the kitchen. ‘I’d rather Matt heard about it from me.’
‘Your secret’s safe with me,’ I said. ‘Only don’t leave it too long before you tell him. I don’t usually keep secrets from Katie.’
28th October.
Nino’s back and I’m seeing him tomorrow. We’re spending the day together. Apparently I need to dress warm and casual.
29th October.
When Nino arrived on a powerful motorbike, I understood his “dress casual” instruction and was glad I’d put on jeans and a sweater under my warm puffa jacket.
‘Didn’t realise you were a biker,’ I said fastening the helmet he’d handed me before carefully climbing on behind him and putting my arms around his waist.
‘Have to leave the bike at home during the season. No time and nowhere secure to leave it, but for the next few months I enjoy. Ready? Hold on.’
No chance to ask where we were going, so I just clung to him as we whooshed along the bord de mer before turning inland and making for the A8. Once on the auto-route, we picked up speed and I barely had time to register the direction signs as we flashed past. Then we were turning off onto a smaller busy road via a tunnel and heading deep into the countryside.
Half an hour later and Nino pulled up in the small car park of a cafe overlooking a gorge and a shallow river.
‘Thought we’d have a walk.’
Well all I can say is Nino’s idea of a walk is more like a cross country hike. Very invigorating though. It was very beautiful there too.
‘D’you go for many walks like this?’ I asked breathlessly, trying to keep up with him at one stage.
‘Every weekend out of season. I love it. Only another couple of kilometres to go and then we’ll treat ourselves to something in the cafe.’ He caught hold of my hand and for a couple of hundred yards or so we strolled alongside hand-in-hand which I hav
e to admit felt good, but then the path narrowed to a single track again and Nino went ahead.
It wasn’t until we were settled back in the cafe with mugs of hot chocolate that Nino started to tell me what had happened in Italy.
‘Paola and I have started divorce proceedings,’ he said. ‘I finally managed to persuade her it was the only answer.’
Knowing how he believed his marriage had been over for years, it seemed hypocritical to say I was sorry, instead I said, ‘So an amicable divorce then?’
Nino nodded. ‘As amicable as they can ever be, I guess.’ He gave me a serious look. ‘Early in the New Year I’m going to be a free man.’
I smiled ruefully at him. ‘Shame I won’t be here to help you celebrate. My Shirley Valentine year finishes soon. Come January, I’ll be back in England.’
‘So we have two months to get to know each other properly. To start to build our own special memory bank. Then next year, we work out how to be together as often as possible.’ Nino said, staring at me intently.
‘Oh Nino,’ I sighed. ‘It won’t be that easy. We’re not teenagers, we both realise how hard long distance relationships can be. The fact is, they rarely succeed for long once the dynamics change. And,’ I hesitated, almost too scared to put what I was afraid of into words. ‘Relationships begun on the rebound can be extra difficult,’ I said, my voice dropping away.
Nino took my hand and squeezed it. ‘No, we’re not teenagers. We are two people old enough to know that a relationship worth having has to be worked at. I’ve also told you my marriage died a long time ago. I’m not on the rebound.’
‘Mine only died recently,’ I said quietly.
He was silent for a moment before he fingered the blue agate necklace that has been around my neck since the day he gave it to me.
‘I feel there is something between us that is worth working on. Letting it develop and grow. I promise you we will make it work somehow, OK? Trust me,’ and then, in full view of everyone, he leant in and gave me a kiss that seemed to last forever.
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