Her: A Memoir

by Christa Parravani

  Brian and I went downstairs and waited our turn. We stood in line and were cattled forward. Brian was at the front of the line and turned around to face me; he grabbed for my hand and held on to it, squeezed. He was pushed forward into his hug, went down on his knees, and accepted it fully, buried his face in Amma’s breast. Amma patted his back. Brian was up as quickly as he’d gone down. I was next, pulled forward and pushed down onto my knees, directed with force into Amma’s embrace. She spoke quietly and in Hindi, ran her hands over my bare arms. She held me the same as she did all of the others, until she didn’t.

  She stopped her hug and put her hands on my chest, thrusting me away from her as if she’d made a mistake. The move was cold and deliberate, certain. She looked at me and shook her head, motioned to one of the men standing beside her to come over to us. He seemed to understand what this all meant; he pulled me up by one arm and forced me down onto the floor, beside Amma.

  “Don’t get up,” he said. “She wants you to watch.” He put his hands on my chin and turned my gaze to face the line of people waiting for Amma.

  For twenty minutes I watched. I studied the scene as people made their way to Amma. I viewed their faces. I looked on as people wept on her shoulder, snotted on her dress sleeve, begged her not to let them go, to hold them for a second longer. The room was full of need, and I shared it. Person after person approached the saint with looks of relief, only to be forced away in even greater need: the necessity for another hit of solace, another hug, and another chance. We were all starving; there was no end to our urgent hunger.

  “You’re done now,” one of the cronies said, helping me to my feet, brushing the hair out of my eyes. I was weeping, too. “This is for you.” He placed an apple, shiny and red, into one of my hands, a Hershey’s kiss wrapped in silver foil into the other. “Amma wants you to consider how to eat the apple,” he said, directing me back to the busy convention floor. I took a bite, and then another; I ate the apple and all its seeds.

  Chapter 28

  JULY 2010

  PSYCHIC: Before we get started: Some of my clients are very focused on connecting with people that are passed. Some of my clients are not interested in that; they are more interested in a psychic reading about whatever is happening in their lives. But I like to know if you have a strong focus in one direction or the other, so I know how to focus for you.

  ME: My focus is on making a connection with a lost person in my life.

  PSYCHIC: The way I like to start is I like to begin by tuning in to try to see who I’m picking up. Keep in mind, like it says on my website, the person that you want to communicate with might not be the first person that comes through.… There is usually a group of people, so it’s really important to just be open to whoever comes through, because we don’t have any control over that. If someone wants to say hi, they will.

  ME: Okay.

  PSYCHIC: One of the reasons I give you the recording is because it’s also really, really common that at the time of the reading I may bring through people, or I’ll talk about events—things that you just, you just can’t identify what I’m talking about at the time of the reading.… Please do not dismiss it as wrong—I’ve been doing this a long time for a lot of people.…

  ME: Okay.

  PSYCHIC: Spirits will often bring through things that you don’t know at the time of the reading on purpose, to prove to you that I’m not some sort of mentalist or mind reader, and that it’s really them talking to you.

  ME: Okay, great.

  PSYCHIC: [Clears her throat.] Okay, so the way I’d like to start is I’d like you to close your eyes for just a moment and I want you to take a nice deep breath. I want you to pick one person who is passed over to the spirit side. I want you to focus on connecting with that person, get a good picture of them in your mind, as you remember them last—when they were really happy and healthy and well.… While you’re focusing, I want to take a few seconds and be quiet and focus in on the energies that I’m picking up around you. [Psychic pauses. Waits several seconds.] Immediately I’m picking up the energies of three females. The first thing I want to ask you, is your mother passed over?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: I’ve got a mom with three sisters. Do you have a grandmother that has passed who had two sisters that would be passed, too? Like, two great-aunts to you?

  ME: Yes.

  PSYCHIC: I feel like she’s connected to your mother’s side of the family. Is she?

  ME: Yes.

  PSYCHIC: I see her very much connected to your mom—I wasn’t sure if it was your mom, or your mom’s mom. But, I definitely have her here. I have her coming strongly through with two sisters. I see one standing on either side of her—if that makes sense to you?

  ME: It does.

  PSYCHIC: She’s acknowledging a little small dog. I don’t know if this is her dog, your dog, your mother’s dog—but she’s showing me a little small dog that to me looks either like a Yorkie or a terrier, or a kind of Benji-like dog. Do you know who that dog is?

  ME: Yes, I do.

  PSYCHIC: Is that your dog growing up? Or, is it your mom’s?

  ME: My mother’s.

  PSYCHIC: The woman I have here wants me to acknowledge that she has the dog with her. It’s one of those little details that only you and she would know.

  ME: Well—I never met her. She died before I was born and the dog died long before she did. But, I think the dog was my mother’s childhood dog.

  PSYCHIC: She’s also showing me a Persian cat, a very fluffy-looking Persian-type cat. I think it’s either white or very light in color.

  ME: [Laughing.] Yes, yes.

  PSYCHIC: Whose cat is that, Mom’s?

  ME: Yes.

  PSYCHIC: Is the cat passed over or still with Mom?

  ME: The cat is still with Mom.

  PSYCHIC: Okay, she’s acknowledging the cat that Mom still has. It’s really, really fluffy. [Pauses.] Do you have a fiancé that has passed? Or a boyfriend?

  ME: I don’t think he’s passed, no. But I did have a boyfriend who was a drug addict. I don’t know if he’s alive or not.

  PSYCHIC: That’s interesting. She’s showing me this image of a young male that to me feels like a boyfriend. Do you have a brother that passed?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: So, it’s not a brother. Hold on, let me see. [She pauses, sighs.] Yeah, she’s showing me this man. She’s telling me that he’s still alive but her words are, “At the rate he’s going, his days are numbered quickly.”

  ME: Oh, good.

  PSYCHIC: I don’t know how much longer he’s going to live. Was he a heavy user, specifically of hard drugs? I see him crushing up prescription pills and injecting them—pills like OxyContin or heroin.

  ME: Yes, that’s right.

  * * *

  PSYCHIC: There is also a young female here.

  ME: Okay. [Voice lifts and breaks.]

  PSYCHIC: Is this your sister that has passed?

  ME: Yes, yes. [Crying.]

  PSYCHIC: First of all, I’m really sorry because I know this is really hard and very emotional for you. [Psychic pauses.] Did your sister die by suicide?

  ME: [Sniffling.] It’s unclear.

  PSYCHIC: Okay, so we are going to talk about that. She is talking about having a history of eating disorders. Are you aware of that, that she had that? Wait. Is she talking about herself or is she talking about you? I see somebody battling with anorexia?

  ME: That’s me.

  PSYCHIC: It’s you?

  ME: Yes.

  PSYCHIC: Are you still having that problem or is that something from the past that she’s talking about?

  ME: It’s in the past but it comes up.

  PSYCHIC: Yeah, all right. I understand. That is the kind of thing that will never really be gone.

  ME: [Breathing heavily into the receiver, weeping.]

  PSYCHIC: Okay, take a deep breath. I know this is hard. Your sister, she’s just as emotional as you are. She’s very upset.
Is this pretty recent? Did this just happen six or eight months ago?

  ME: No. It was four years ago.

  PSYCHIC: Okay, what’s been going on recently, like in the last six or eight months to a year? Are you going through a divorce or something?

  ME: Yes, I’m divorced.

  PSYCHIC: Did that just happen in the last year?

  ME: It happened a year and a half ago, legally.

  PSYCHIC: She’s talking about there being a lot of intensity in your life. She’s telling me that it’s pushing you into a place of being overwhelmed. Does this make sense to you? She’s keeping a close eye on you. I want you to know that she’s always around you. She’s watching out for you. She’s telling me that maybe not at the very end of her life—but for most of her life—the two of you were really very close, very bonded. Is she your older sister?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: Okay, you’re older. Are you about three to four years apart?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: Oh my gosh! You’re twins. No wonder you’re so incredibly bonded. [Psychic pauses.] I’m not sure what this is about. Did either you or your sister use a bronchial inhaler?

  ME: Yes! Yes!

  PSYCHIC: Who uses that?

  ME: I do.

  PSYCHIC: Okay, so were you prescribed that for asthma?

  ME: [Answers nearly inaudibly.] Yes.

  PSYCHIC: She says you’re really having panic attacks. Do you recognize you are having panic attacks?

  ME: Now I do, yes.

  PSYCHIC: Sometimes you get so you can’t breathe, right?

  ME: Yes.

  PSYCHIC: Have you tried to go to any kind of counseling?

  ME: Oh God, yes.

  PSYCHIC: Is that helping at all with the panic?

  ME: Ugh, yes.

  PSYCHIC: Okay, good.

  ME: You can tell her—you can tell my sister that I’m doing much better.

  PSYCHIC: She’s talking about how when you feel like you’re out of control, have the feeling of an overwhelming lack of control, or when you’re fearful that things will happen outside of your control—she’s saying, that’s when you can’t breathe. When your sister passed did they find a bunch of pills, prescription pills?

  ME: I don’t know, probably. I just don’t know.

  PSYCHIC: Did they find her in bed?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: I don’t know if she’s talking about her or you. She’s showing me a bedroom. Next to the bed there is a little night table. She’s pulling out the drawer and she’s showing me all of these bottles of prescription pills. I’m seeing a lot of pills. Is that you or is that her?

  ME: It’s the night table that I have right now.

  PSYCHIC: And that’s you with the pills in the night table?

  ME: [Softly.] Yeah.

  PSYCHIC: Are they for a bunch of different things? She’s telling me that there are some for antianxiety; some of them are for sleeping—sleeping aids. I don’t think you’re taking any narcotic painkillers, are you?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: Your sister is saying, “No, there’s none of that.”

  ME: Okay.

  PSYCHIC: Your sister wants me to give you a word of caution. She’s saying, “Be careful with those pills because you’re walking a very fine line.” There is a thin line between having them help you and making everything worse. Don’t take more than you are prescribed to take, okay?

  ME: Yeah.

  PSYCHIC: She says, “It’s a delicate balance.” You know? “Pills can calm you but they can send you in the opposite direction from calm, too, if you rely on them.” Be careful.

  ME: Yeah, right. I know.

  PSYCHIC: She’s telling me that you are a very sensitive person anyway. She’s telling me emotionally you’re very sensitive.

  ME: Right.

  PSYCHIC: Even if your sister didn’t pass, even if your life was wonderful and perfect—you’re a very emotionally sensitive person.

  ME: Right, right.

  PSYCHIC: So, for people like you—and I’m one of those people, it’s a little harder to maintain balance in your life. It’s easy for people like us to get thrown off balance, especially when bad things happen in our lives to the people we love. So, she’s saying that she feels like it would be a good idea for you to go into behavioral counseling.… If you need somebody there is a wonderful man I work with—he wrote the foreword to my book. He works with people who have lost people to sudden death. He’s been doing that work for over twenty years.

  ME: [Annoyed.] Okay.

  PSYCHIC: If you feel like you need someone, I can give you his number. He can work with you by phone. [Psychic pauses.] Do you have a little boy at home?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: Do you have a son at all?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: Did your sister leave a son?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: Why do I see one single boy? Is there a single boy in the family—like, does someone have a son? He is appearing to me at about—

  ME: I had an abortion when I was younger.

  PSYCHIC: He’s appearing to me at about ten or twelve years old. So that means to me that there is either someone in your life that age or passed at that age. It could also be a termination of pregnancy that was that many years ago.

  ME: It was exactly twelve years ago.

  PSYCHIC: Okay, well your sister is showing me that she is there with him, your son. And whether a baby’s life ends, or a pregnancy ends naturally through miscarriage, or termination of pregnancy occurs, the soul is immortal. The soul lives on and the spirit lives on. You can’t destroy a spirit. Your sister is acknowledging him there, and she’s showing me that he’s okay.

  ME: Thank you.

  PSYCHIC: This is kind of specific. Did your sister either fall from something or jump from something?

  ME: No.

  PSYCHIC: Do you know somebody who ended his or her life by either falling off of something or jumping off of something?

  ME: Yes. I knew someone, but not very well.

  PSYCHIC: Is that person like a cousin to you?

  ME: No. It was one of my best friend’s boyfriends.

  PSYCHIC: I have that person here. I have that young man here, also. Is there a question of whether he fell or jumped?

  ME: I don’t know. I didn’t know him well enough to say.

  PSYCHIC: This young man wants to let his partner know that he’s okay.

  ME: Okay, I’ll let him know.

  PSYCHIC: Did that happen in New York City, the suicide?

  ME: Yes.

  PSYCHIC: Was it the Brooklyn Bridge or one of those bridges that goes over to New York?

  ME: It was the Queensboro Bridge.

  PSYCHIC: Yeah, I’m seeing that. This man just needs to get the message through to his partner that he’s okay, that he’s sorry. If your friend ever wants to talk to his boyfriend, he can always call me. Will you let him know?

  ME: Fine.

  PSYCHIC: Your friend’s boyfriend says to tell you, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt your reading.” He just really needed to get that through.

  ME: [Laughing.] Okay.

  PSYCHIC: Let me come back to your sister. You have some questions about the cause of her death?

  ME: Sort of, I do.

  PSYCHIC: She’s saying that the police and the medical examiners deemed it an accident but that you’re not so sure and that you think there is some kind of foul play.

  ME: I think that it was an accident. She got bad drugs from my ex-boyfriend. That’s what I think happened.

  PSYCHIC: Is this the same ex-boyfriend that we were talking about earlier?

  ME: Yes it is.

  PSYCHIC: So that’s why they were bringing up the ex-boyfriend then. Was she injecting drugs with a needle?

  ME: Yes.

  PSYCHIC: Because, I’m seeing a speedball. She is talking about a speedball. I’m seeing her with a needle. Is that what it was? A mix of cocaine and heroin?

  ME: It was
a mix of heroin and fentanyl.

  PSYCHIC: She’s saying, “Yes and yes.” To me that means: yes, it was an accident. It definitely wasn’t a suicide. But yes, she got bad drugs.

  ME: That’s right.

  PSYCHIC: “Too strong,” she says, “too potent.” It’s not so much that the drugs were contaminated with something, but they were too much for her, for anyone. The drugs were lethal in the mixture she got.

  ME: Right.

  PSYCHIC: It stopped her heart.

  ME: [Softly.] Yes, that’s right.

  PSYCHIC: “It was a stupid, stupid mistake,” she says. “But, it’s not his fault. It was mine. I insisted, I insisted,” she says. “He warned me not to take too much. His exact words were, ‘This stuff should come with a warning label.’ He told me how potent it was, but I didn’t listen.” Her intention wasn’t to end her life. Her intention was to get high. I see that now. [Pauses.] Is your ex-boyfriend’s name either Max or Mack?

  ME: His name is Sean.

  PSYCHIC: Did she know a Max?

  ME: That is the name of a cat we had. The cat died a couple of days before my sister died. My sister watched the cat die. The cat was twenty years old and had a stroke on the kitchen floor, at my sister’s feet.

  PSYCHIC: Oh! Then she has the cat. Is it Max or Mack?

  ME: Maxine.

  PSYCHIC: Maxine? But you called her Max?

  ME: I didn’t, but my mom did. She called her Max Cat.

  PSYCHIC: His days are numbered, I’m telling you. This guy, your ex, is—he’s an addict. I mean he’s like a shooting-up addict, this guy. She’s showing me that he’s run out of good veins and he’s shooting up between his toes. He’s pretty bad.

  ME: I don’t know. I don’t have anything to do with him. I haven’t for many, many years.

  PSYCHIC: You sister says, “Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness. Please forgive.” She says, “Christa, you hold a lot of anger and a lot of bitterness in your heart. Not for me, for him.” I think that you blame him and I can certainly understand why. Your sister wants to say, “I take full responsibility for my death. I’m the one that’s accountable.”