by Duncan Ball
To all the kids who have written to me and to Selby.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
When Selby rang me and told me these stories, it left me in a state of shock. Just the adventure he had with Dr Trifle’s Wall Walkers and climbing the Crystal Tower could have filled this whole book but, no, he was also captured by a robot, he had to break out of prison, deal with the most superstitious people on earth, and then there was that dreadful operation. Quite frankly, after hearing about these adventures, I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Anyone who has read about Selby knows that Selby is a real talking dog. But ‘Selby’ isn’t his real name. He made it up. He won’t tell me his real name, or the real name of Bogusville, or the Trifles — or anything. When I’m writing the stories this can be confusing. For example, recently the Trifles read a Selby book. And Mrs Trifle said, ‘Goodness me’ (she often says ‘Goodness me’) ‘that dog, Selby, is a lot like our Selby.’Well, of course their dog is the real Selby and his name isn’t really ‘Selby’ but I couldn’t write, ‘That dog, Selby, is a lot like our Ralph’ because Selby’s real name isn’t Ralph either. Oh, now my brain is totally scrambled. Anyway, you’ll work it out when you read the stories.
I hope you like them.
CONTENTS
Cover
AUTHOR’S NOTE
Fore
SELBY ON ICE
ANIMAL ANGELS
SELBY ON GLASS
SELBY SPORTS STAR
SELBY IN THE SLAMMER
‘SELBY, TELL ME!’
MILD-MANNERED MILES
SELBY ON AIR
SUPERSTITIOUS SELBY
DOG TALK
SELBY SCRAMBLED
SELBY’S FINAL CHALLENGE
Aft
Acknowledgments
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
SELBY SNAPS!
BY THE SAME AUTHOR
Copyright
SELBY ON ICE
‘A red ship is sailing along and it runs into a blue ship. All the passengers were marooned. Get it?’
Gary Gaggs, the famous comedian and friend of the Trifles was in Dr and Mrs Trifle’s lounge room, telling his latest jokes.
‘Red and blue: marooned. I get it,’ Selby thought. ‘This guy kills me.’
‘Two ropes are hanging over the side of a ship,’ Gary continued. ‘One of them says, “Are you a rope?” and the other one says, “I’m afraid not.” Woo woo woo. Get it: a frayed knot.’
‘Are these the jokes you’re going to be telling on the Fun ‘n’ Happy Cruise?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘These are the jokes, folks,’ Gary said. ‘They’re going to broadcast them all around the ship so people can hear them no matter where they are. I’m going to make the Fun ‘n’ Happy Cruise fun fun fun and hap-hap-happy. Why don’t you two come along?’
‘We could use a break,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What ship is it?’
‘It’s called theRose Bouquet 2.’
‘The Rose Bouquet 2? I remember the Rose Bouquet 1. Didn’t it sink?’
‘That’s right,’ Gary said. ‘It hit an iceberg but everyone got off safely.’
‘It’s very odd to name a ship after one that sank,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘They didn’t name it after the other one,’ Gary explained. ‘The Rose Bouquet 2 is the Rose Bouquet 1 fixed up.They just refloated it.’
‘Wow, that’s weird,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’d feel strange sailing in a ship that’s been at the bottom of the sea.’
‘Me, too,’ Selby thought as a shiver shot up his spine.’Sunken ships. Spooky-dooky.’
‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ Gary told the Trifles. ‘But seriously, people are begging to go on this cruise. Of course if they beg, they aren’t allowed to go.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because beggars can’t be cruisers. Woo woo woo,’ Gary said, strutting around like a chicken as he did when he told a joke.
‘Yes, very good,’ Mrs Trifle said, still wondering about Gary’s joke. ‘But what will we do with Selby?’
‘Bring him along. I’ll tell the Fun ‘n’ Happy Cruise people that if they don’t let Selby go, I won’t go.’
‘In that case,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘count us in.’
‘Oh boy, oh boy,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m going on a real live cruise. And I get to hear all of Gary’s great jokes! This is going to be so much fun!’
Two days later, Selby and the Trifles boarded the Rose Bouquet 2.
‘They haven’t done a great fixing-up job,’ Mrs Trifle said as she looked at the rust streaks down its sides.
‘No,’ Dr Trifle agreed. ‘It looks like they’ve just spray-painted over the rust. Come on, let’s find our stateroom.’
Down and down they went to the lowest deck. All along the walls Selby could see paint-covered bits of seaweed and barnacles.
‘Sheeesh,’ Selby thought. ‘This ship gives me the heebie-jeebies. It reminds me of when I went down in that submarine and got stuck in the wreck of the S. S. Humungous. I don’t know if I’m going to like this.’
Soon the ship had cast off and Selby and the Trifles stood on the deck, watching the land disappear into the distance.
‘Surely there wouldn’t be any icebergs around here,’ Mrs Trifle said, nervously, looking up ahead of the ship.
‘It’s possible,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘In fact the iceberg this ship hit when it was the Rose Bouquet 1 was right near here. It must have drifted all the way up from the Antarctic.’
‘I wish Dr Trifle hadn’t said that,’ Selby thought. ‘Now I’m really nervous. Bad enough that this ship has already sunk once. Double sheeeesh!’
‘Captains don’t always see icebergs,’ Dr Trifle went on, ‘because they’re mostly under water with just a tiny bit sticking up. When they do see them it’s often too late.Then the ice rips the ship apart.’
‘Rips the ship apart, triple sheeeeesh!’ Selby thought.
‘I wish you hadn’t told me that,’ Mrs Trifle said.’I’ll have iceberg nightmares.’
‘Me, too,’ Selby thought. ‘Now I’ve got icebergs on the brain.’
Suddenly there was the crackle of a loudspeaker.
‘Hiya hiya hiya,’ came Gary’s voice. ‘This is Gary Gaggs, your non-stop comic. I was just in the kitchen and this guy comes in with a fish in a fish tank. He says, “Do you know how to make fishcakes?” The cook says, “Certainly, sir.” So the guy says, “Then make him a chocolate cake. It’s his birthday.” Woo woo woo.’
‘I’m not sure I get that one,’ Mrs Trifle said to Dr Trifle.
‘Seriously, folks, the fish was swimming around in the tank with a cigarette in its mouth. It must have been a puffer fish. Woo woo woo.
There were these two fish in a tank. One of them says, “You drive and I’ll shoot the gun.” Get it? Two fish in a tank?’
‘Hey, I like that one,’ Selby thought.
‘This pirate wanted to have his ears pierced,’ Gary said. ‘He had to pay a buccaneer. That’s a buck an ear, folks. No kidding. There’s this guy who orders three dozen oysters. His wife says, “Can I have one?” And he says, “No, get your own.” She says, “That’s very shellfish of you.” Woo woo woo. Once I opened a hundred oysters,’ Gary went on, ‘then I pulled a mussel.’
‘He pulled a mussel,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s too funny! Oh, no! He’s going to make me laugh!’
‘I got seasick at lunchtime. I ended up having two lunches — one down and one up. Woo woo woo. Seriously, folks, my watch must have been very hungry — it went back for seconds. Get it? It went back four seconds. Oh, you’re a lively group today. If you can’t laugh, just throw money. I asked the waiter what was taking the cook so long and he said, “He’s making spaghetti.” I said, “But spaghetti
isn’t even on the menu.” And he said, “He makes it just to pasta time.” I think I’ll give that guy a pizza my mind. Woo woo woo.’
‘Oh, Gary,’ Selby thought. ‘You’re brilliant!’
‘Let’s go up to the bridge,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘Bridge?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What bridge?’
‘The bridge is a room where the captain steers the ship,’ Dr Trifle explained. ‘They said we can go up there at any time.’
Selby followed Dr and Mrs Trifle up to the bridge. There was an old man standing at the wheel.
‘Captain Whitecap, at the helm,’ he said. ‘Welcome aboard.’
‘Captain Whitecap?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Are you any relation to the Captain Whitecap who was the captain of the Rose Bouquet 1?’
‘Yes … I mean no … I mean yes,’ the man said. ‘I mean it was me.’
‘So you’re the one who hit it?’
‘Hit it?’
‘The iceberg.’
‘Please,’ the captain said, clutching his chest. ‘Don’t use that word. It brings back terrible memories.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I was just surprised that you were the captain when this ship hit an ice … thingy and now you’re the captain again.’
‘Okay, so I made a silly little mistake once — twice — but that’s all behind me now.’
‘Twice?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You made two silly little mistakes?’
‘Yes, I was the captain of the S. S. Humungous when it sank after it hit … when it hit an … an …’
‘Did the Humungous also hit an … one of those things?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘It’s so easy to do,’ the captain sighed. ‘There’s only a bit of them sticking out of the water, you know. It didn’t show up on the radar. By the time I saw it, it was too late. Have you ever tried to stop a ship like this? Or just turn it? It takes ages!’
Selby watched as a thick blanket of fog came towards the ship.
‘Fog,’ the captain said. ‘I hate fog almost as much as I hate … you-know-whats.’
The captain hit the radar screen with his hand. The green screen flickered on and then went off again.
‘Hasn’t worked properly since we sank,’ the captain said. ‘I can’t wait for this cruise to end. This’ll be my last. Overdue to retire.’
‘I think we’d better leave you to it,’ Dr Trifle said nervously, opening the door.
‘Leave your dog here to keep me company,’ the captain said. ‘Dogs are good luck on ships. Actually, it’s cats that are good luck but he’ll do. What’s his name?’
‘Selby,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘We’ll come back for him later.’
‘This guy is so jumpy,’ Selby thought after the Trifles had left the bridge. ‘I think he should have retired years ago.’
Gary’s voice came over the loudspeaker again.
‘Hello again, folks,’ he said. ‘It’s Gary Gaggs, your gaggy gag man again. Did you see that tiny island we passed a little while ago? It was just sand with one palm tree. There was a guy wearing nothing but rags. He was jumping up and down waving. I said to the captain, I said, “Who’s that guy and what’s he doing?” And the captain said, “I don’t know. He does that every year when we pass by.” Woo woo woo. Just kidding. This is a great ship, the Rust Bucket,’
Gary said. ‘I mean the Rose Bouquet. Of course it’s a bit of a sick ship. Do you know what a sick ship is? It’s a boat that needs to see a dock.’
The captain let out a little laugh.
‘Hey, this guy is good, isn’t he, Selby?’ he said.
‘But seriously, folks. They would have scraped all the rust off this ship but they realised that the rust was the only thing holding it together. Woo woo woo.’
‘That’s so true!’ the captain laughed. ‘Why am I laughing?’
‘What do you get when you cross an ocean with the Rose Bouquet? I’ll tell you: halfway. See? It hit an iceberg. Ha ha ha ha. I love that one.’
‘Iceberg?’ the captain mumbled. ‘Did he say iceberg?’
‘But seriously, folks, this ship has lots of modern facilities,’ Gary went on. ‘You’ll be able to have swimming lessons in your own cabins — after we hit another iceberg! Woo woo woo.’
‘Ice … Ice …’ the captain said.
‘Oh, Gary,’ Selby thought. ‘No more iceberg jokes, please. You’re freaking the captain out.’
‘I’ve got lots more jokes,’ Gary said. ‘This is just the tip of the iceberg. Woo woo woo. Why am I getting a sinking feeling? Woo woo woo.’
‘Tip of the iceberg,’ the captain mumbled. ‘Sinking. Got to get out of here.’
‘The captain is terrified,’ Selby thought. ‘He’s not doing anything. He’s just standing there.’
Selby put his paws up to the window and stood there, straining to see through the mist.
‘Seriously, folks, the Titanic hits an iceberg, right?’ Gary went on, ‘And it’s got a hole in the bottom. So the captain comes running up to this big guy. He says, “You’re just the right size. Go down below, find the hole and push yourself down into it, legs first.” And the guy says, “Will that keep us from sinking?” and the captain says, “No, but we’re short one lifejacket.” Woo woo woo.’
Suddenly Selby saw something white in the water up ahead.
‘What is it? Is it the tip of an iceberg? The captain hasn’t seen it. He’s just frozen there! I’ve got to do something!’
Selby barked his loudest bark but the captain only turned around and sat down in a chair, muttering, ‘Abandon ship. Abandon ship.’
‘What am I going to do now?’ Selby thought, whacking the radar screen on the side. ‘Hey! It’s coming back. The green line is going around and around. Oh, no! I think I see a blip straight ahead of us! There’s something out there!’
Selby turned the wheel hard to the side but the ship kept going straight ahead.
‘How do you drive this thing?’ he thought. And then he said, out loud, ‘Captain Whitecap! Do something! We’re going to hit an iceberg!’
‘Iceberg? … Iceberg?’ the captain mumbled.
‘The guy is completely out of it,’ Selby thought, grabbing the microphone. Selby cleared his throat and put on his best captain’s voice. ‘This is your captain speaking. Go to the nearest lifeboats and get ready to abandon ship.’
Suddenly there was a burst of laughter from all around the ship.
‘They think I’m Gary Gaggs!’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘They don’t believe me!’
‘Seriously, folks!’ Selby yelled and before he could say anything else there was another roar of laughter and people yelling, ‘Woo woo woo.’
‘Why did I say that?’ Selby asked himself.
‘No kidding …’ he started but again there was laughter.
‘What am I going to do? Hey! Everyone! There’s an iceberg up ahead and we’re about to crash into it!’
Suddenly there was silence. Then someone yelled,’What’s the punchline?’
‘Hey! That doesn’t sound like Gary Gaggs!’ someone else yelled. ‘It’s not Gary!’
‘It can’t be,’ the first someone yelled. ‘Gary’s already sitting in a lifeboat. Everybody to the lifeboats!’
Selby could see people running around the decks and lifeboats being lowered.
‘Thank goodness,’ he thought. ‘Now it’s my turn. Hey, Captain Whitecap! Snap out of it! Get a grip! Abandon ship! Oh, no! He’s just sitting there! What can I do?’
Selby slapped the man in the face a couple of times. Then he heard the door behind him open.
‘Selby!’ Mrs Trifle yelled. ‘Come quickly!’
‘Here, boy,’ Dr Trifle called.
Selby bounded out the door but Dr and Mrs Trifle suddenly stopped.
‘Hey, the captain’s still in here!’ Mrs Trifle said, grabbing the man’s hand. ‘Come with us. It’s okay. Everyone’s ready to abandon ship.’
Before Selby knew it, they were sitting in a lifeboat, watching as the Rose Bouquet
2 sailed on into the mist. And as the mist gradually cleared, Selby spotted the white thing again in the water.
‘What is that?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘An iceberg?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It’s much too small.’
‘It’s one of those plastic things to keep food cold,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Someone must have lost it off their boat.’
‘Oh, no,’ Selby groaned. ‘I thought it was the tip of an iceberg. What have I done? We’ll never catch up with the ship now and they’ll blame poor old Captain Whitecap for this. I can’t let it happen. I’ve got to tell everyone that it’s my fault. My secret will be out but at least I won’t feel bad about it for the rest of my life.’
Selby cleared his throat and put his paw up on the side of the lifeboat. He opened his mouth and —
‘Get a look at this!’ someone cried.
Suddenly there was a huge creeeeeeekkkk! and a crooooorrrrrkkk! and a crash! When the mist cleared there was the Rose Bouquet 2 sinking nose down into the depths. Next to it was a huge iceberg.
‘An iceberg!’ everyone gasped. ‘It’s a good thing we all got off okay.’
‘Three cheers for the captain!’ someone yelled. ‘If it wasn’t for him we’d be at the bottom of the ocean by now!’
Everyone cheered.
Suddenly Gary said, ‘Where’s Mandy?’
‘Mandy who?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘Mandy lifeboats, the ship just sank!’ Gary laughed. ‘Woo woo woo. Get it? I’ve got a million of them. But seriously, folks, this rich lady wants to send a letter so she goes to the post office and they sell her a stamp. So she says, “Do you mean I have to stick this on myself?” and the guy says, “No, stick it on the letter, you ninny. “Woo woo woo.’
‘That Gary is a joke genius,’ Selby thought as he struggled not to laugh. ‘His ship can sink but he’ll never lose his old magic.’
Paw note: If you want to read about that adventure see ‘Selby Submerged’ in the book Selby Surfs.
S
ANIMAL ANGELS
‘I love this show,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s the best thing on TV. If I ever get really sick I’d love to have an Animal Angel look after me.’