After lunchtime, I’m drained again. All I manage to keep down is a banana and a cup of tea. Not ready to face an empty house, I drive to the office. I’d rather immerse myself in work than sit at home in dreaded suspense, waiting for the outcome of Francois’ test. My nerves are shattered. My heart is broken. Work will be a welcome balm.
Erica, the receptionist, gives me an uncertain greeting. Our floor is empty when I climb up the stairs. Through the sandblasted glass walls of the meeting room, people are visible. All stations are deserted, which means everyone is in there. Of course. It’s the monthly staff meeting. With everything that’s happened, it completely slipped my mind. I can’t see the faces through the patterned glass, but Brian won’t be in. He’ll be studying. It’s soothing that no one in that room knows my history or dilemma. I can get lost in the problems of advertising without worrying about the people in the office. Thank God Brian and I didn’t announce our relationship at work.
Taking a steadying breath, I push open the doors. All heads turn toward me. A strange silence falls over the room. Then I see him. Brian stands at the head of the meeting table next to Toby. He’s wearing a shirt and tie. His handsome face hurts my heart with a force I haven’t expected, rendering my knees weak. It’s not the uncharacteristic attire that speaks to me, but the way his tanned face pales as he stares at me. What’s going on? I look at the other people in the room for a clue. Beatrix averts her eyes. Mable takes a gulp of water. Priscilla has a strange expression of pity. Alex shifts in his chair, and Bernard glances at Toby. Toby is wearing his thin-lipped smile, the one that promises nothing good.
“What’s going on?” I ask, taking a step into the room. The double doors close quietly behind me.
“You weren’t supposed to be in,” Brian says.
Toby clears his throat. “Everyone take five. Jane and Brian, in my office.”
He walks out ahead of us. Brian and I follow. In the hallway, Brian puts a hand on my arm. “You said you were staying at home.”
“I need to work. I couldn’t stand doing nothing, any longer.”
I can’t place the look he gives me.
“Jane,” Toby says, holding his door.
He lets me enter first but doesn’t invite me to sit. He stands in front of his desk, facing Brian and me. Did he find out about our relationship? Did Francois let something slip? Or did Francois tell him about Abby’s accusations? My heart stutters. If Brian loses this job because of–
“You didn’t tell her,” Toby says.
Brian doesn’t move his eyes from mine. “Yesterday wasn’t the right time. I was hoping to speak to you tonight, Jane.”
“Tell me what?”
Toby huffs. “This should’ve come from me. I shouldn’t have indulged you, Brian. I take all the blame for this awkward situation.”
I tear my gaze away from Brian. “Toby, you’re killing me.”
“Jane…” Toby licks his lips. “I wanted to tell you first, but this couldn’t wait, and Brian believed it was better he tells you. The investors wanted me to make an announcement today.”
“About what?”
“We’re giving the Monroe account to Brian.”
My ears start ringing. I stand perfectly straight, but underneath my dress my legs are wobbling. “What?”
“Mr. Monroe decided to go with Brian’s pitch. They’re going digital.”
He went behind my back? I can’t believe it. I glance at Brian, but the truth is there. He’s not denying it. He’s not trying to hide the remorse etched on his face.
“I’m sorry,” Brian says. “I didn’t mean to steal the account. I was trying to save it for you.”
“As of today,” Toby continues, “you no longer work here. I’m truly sorry. I am. I did what I could, but the big bosses want younger blood. New ideas. I hate doing this, but a security officer will escort you to your office and from the building. It’s what protocol dictates.”
I square my shoulders as much as my broken pride allows. “I understand. Congratulations, Brian. You deserve it.”
Toby picks up an envelope from his desk and hands it to me. “Your severance contract. You can have your lawyer look it over before signing it.” He comes to me, holding his arms open. “Love you, sugar. It’s not personal. Just business. I’ll give you a great letter of recommendation.”
My lips are numb. “Thanks.”
As I can’t think of anything else to say, I turn and leave. The eyes of the people in the meeting room burn on the back of my head as I make my way to my old desk. I can’t see them, but I feel them. I can feel their pity.
“Jane!”
Brian comes after me.
I don’t stop. I can’t. I keep on walking until I reach my office, but the door is locked. Embarrassingly, I don’t have a choice but to turn and face him. I lean on the door, not sure that my legs will carry my weight.
Brian’s expression is pained. “I was going to tell you last night,” he says, “but you weren’t in a good place.”
“I understand. Really.”
The security guard exits the stairs.
“I meant it when I said you deserve it.” I’m big enough to admit defeat. I can also give credit where it’s due.
The guard stops next to us.
I step aside so he can unlock the door. “I’ll only be a minute.” I don’t have much to collect other than a photo of Abby and a few knickknacks.
Brian follows me inside. “Talk to me, Jane.”
I scrape stupid lucky charms from client promotions into my bag. “There’s nothing else to say.”
“I didn’t want it. I told Toby I wouldn’t take it, but he was going to give the job to someone else.”
“It’s all right, Brian.”
“I reckoned I’ll need the money to take care of you if you’re going to lose your job.”
I can’t deal with this. Not right now. “You’re cut out for advertising. I’m sure you’ll be a big success.” I push past him. “I’ve got to go.”
Forcing myself not to run, I go back to the meeting room. My ex-colleagues stare at me expectantly.
“As you know, I’m out of here.” I hope my smile doesn’t look as tremulous as it feels. “Brian is taking over. I have complete faith in him. He’s an invaluable asset to the company. Don’t give him a hard time like you gave me when I started.”
Hesitant laughter erupts.
“That’s short for a departure speech,” Priscilla says.
More laughter. The atmosphere in the room lifts slightly.
“That’s all you’ve got to say?” Beatrix teases.
“Thanks for being an awesome team. Take care.”
Toby nods at me as I exit. “That was big of you.”
“Brian’s got a good mentor in you. Take care of him.”
The guard and Brian are standing at the door. I try to walk normally even if my heart still urges me to flee. The guard follows a step behind, saving me the humiliation of making it clear to everyone on the ground floor what’s happening.
It’s only in the parking lot that Brian calls out to me again. I ignore him. I’m fitting the key into the car door when he stops next to me. When I try to open the door, he slams a palm on it, preventing me. He searches my eyes, but I can’t look at him. Shame, humiliation, guilt…too many emotions prevent me.
“Talk to me.”
Staring at the cracked concrete, I shake my head.
“We agreed, Jane. We agreed we’d always talk. Talk, damn you. Hate me. Shout at me. Slap me. I can take it. Give it to me.”
It’s an effort to turn my head and face him. I’m so, so tired. “I don’t hate you.” If anything, I love him even more, and it hurts. It hurts that he went behind my back, but I understand why he did. If I weren’t so pigheaded about a brand that had become my baby over the years, I would’ve listened to him.
“I meant what I said back there. I’m happy for you.”
Emotions simmer in his eyes. “I’ll resign.”
�
��Don’t be an idiot. You’ll throw away the opportunity of a lifetime.” And you need the money to take care of Sam and your mother.
“That’s it?” he asks, his remorse morphing into anger. “You just lost your job. Don’t stand there and tell me it’s all right. I know you’re upset.”
I can’t tell him about the case Francois is building against me, or that losing my only source of income has just made Francois’ case even stronger. It’s not his fault. I won’t lay that kind of blame on his shoulders. I can only tell him I feel nothing but love for him, because I have to let him go.
Cupping his cheek, I drink him in. The stubble on his jaw pricks my palm. He smells like soap and a slightly too strong aftershave.
“I love you, Brian.” Closing my eyes, I savor the words and say them again. “I love you.” I’m so sorry for ruining your life.
I let the closure of goodbye settle in my heart, enforcing it with my guilt. It’s harder than I could’ve ever imagined. It’s like a piece of me dies. This time, he doesn’t stop me when I open the door. He doesn’t speak or move as I start the engine and put the car into gear. I don’t want to look in the rearview mirror, but I can’t help myself. My eyes are drawn to the figure standing in the mirage of heat that rolls over the concrete. Tears well up in my eyes. A hysterical sob surfaces.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
It’s no use. I can’t stop. His image blurs behind my tears. Is losing everything the price I’m paying for falling in love with Brian? If I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t have moved to the cottage and a snake wouldn’t have spat Abby. My daughter would still be living with me. I wouldn’t have found Brian a position at Orion and Toby wouldn’t have given him my job. If Brian didn’t help me realize how unimportant the material things in my life are to my peace of mind, maybe I would’ve fought Francois with a drawn-out and expensive battle in court. Maybe I’d still have my designer house. Yes, I can lay all the maybes on Brian for coming into my life, or I can admit that Abby loves Francois more and Brian is better at my job than me. I can argue I would’ve been better off if I’d never met Brian, but that’s not true. Isn’t owning your pain the same as owning your decisions and every taboo that comes with them? As I clear the gates and his figure is brutally cut off from my vision, I know with certainty that if given a choice, I’d be the oldest cliché in the book. I’d do it all over again.
It’s not until the following day that Francois calls. I grip the phone hard, but I can’t bring myself to answer. Four, six seconds pass. The call goes onto voicemail. I’ve been making myself sick with worry, pacing all night. I haven’t eaten or slept. I’m on the brink of collapsing. I know better, but I’m incapable of taking care of myself. Sleep evades me. Food makes me vomit. I want to know, but I’m scared. Staring at the phone, I finally gather enough courage to press the redial button.
“I’ve got the results,” Francois says.
That was fast, thanks to connections. I close my eyes and hold my breath.
He utters a shaky sigh. “It’s not me.”
My heart comes to a stop. Adrenalin makes me feel nauseous. It’s the shock of both relief and dread. I get to keep Abby, but I can’t think about the meaning of the test.
Please, God, let it be Evan.
I’m shaking so badly I have to sit down. “I’m sorry.” How hard this must be on Francois.
“Me, too.” He gives a wry laugh. “The house of cards comes crumbling down.”
None of this would’ve happened if he hadn’t left. We’d still be married, and Abby would be blissfully unaware. I’d still pretend to be happy. I’m sorrier than I can ever say about what’s happened, but I’ll never regret it. The events led me to Brian. It’s the aftermath that’s a dirty disaster.
“How’s Abby taking it?” I ask.
I should’ve been there for my daughter. Keeping her from me isn’t something I’ll easily forgive Francois for, even if my heart is aching for his suffering. After all that’s happened, I can’t make myself hate him. We were friends, if nothing more. That counts for something. He loves Abby with all his heart. No matter the biology, she’s always been his daughter.
“Not well,” he replies, “but she wants to see you.”
“You can bring her home.” With the outcome of the test result, he doesn’t have a choice. “It’s over between Brian and me. She doesn’t have to worry about him being around.”
“It doesn’t mean I’m not laying charges.”
“I know.” I just hope Brian will be able to forgive me, one day. “When can you drop Abby off?”
“In an hour?”
“I’ll be waiting.”
Needing to keep busy, I make cottage pie. It’s Abby’s favorite from when she was little. I drink two cups of sweet tea to settle my nerves and have something in my stomach before they arrive.
The doorbell rings on the hour. Abby stands in the doorway, her face forlorn. Francois remains a step behind with Dusty. His hands are shoved into his pockets. He’s rattling the coins in there as if he can’t keep still.
I take Abby into a hug. This time, she lets me.
“Would you like to come inside?” I ask Francois.
“Debs is waiting in the car.”
“All right.”
Abby turns to him. “Will I still see you this weekend?”
Francois goes down on his haunches to put them on eye level. “The test doesn’t change my feelings for you. You’re still my daughter.” His voice shakes. It takes him a moment to gather his control. “As we said, your room is always there.”
She throws her arms around him. “I love you, Dad.”
“Love you too, baby.”
He blinks tears away before he gives me a hasty nod and hurries down the path to the garden gate.
I put my arm around my daughter and lead her into the house. Dusty follows, sniffing as he goes.
“Would you like to see your new room?”
She shrugs. “I guess.”
“I realize there’s much to talk about. We’ll get through this. I promise you.”
She pulls away from my touch. “I want to know.”
“Abby.” I was hoping, praying, she wouldn’t go there, but I knew better.
“I want to know, Mom.”
I reply with a tired sigh. “I understand.” I’d feel the same if I were in her shoes. “There are other things you need to know, honey.”
She gives me a wary look.
“Let’s go to the kitchen. I’m making pecan nut pie for dessert. There’s cottage pie for lunch if you’re hungry.”
She shakes her head but follows me to the kitchen. After settling Dusty in the basket I left in a sunny corner, we sit down at the counter I’ve converted into a breakfast nook. Dusty doesn’t stay long before he starts exploring again. I pour two glasses of iced tea and put one in front of her.
“Did your dad tell you anything about when you were conceived?”
“We only spoke about the test results.”
Taking a deep breath, I steel myself to go down memory lane to a place I’d sworn I’d never revisit.
“Before your dad and I got together, I was engaged to someone else. His name was Evan.”
“Dorothy’s son.”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you marry him?”
“He died.”
She watches me with rigid concentration, not moving or blinking.
“The night he died was his father’s birthday. There was a party at the house. I went with Evan. Close to midnight, Evan was called out on an emergency job. He was a plumber, you see. I decided to stay and wait for him, so I hung out with his younger brother, Benjamin. We were in the same class at university.” I swallow, choosing my words carefully. I want to relay this as undramatically as possible. “Benjamin and I ended up sleeping together.”
“You slept with your fiancé’s brother?” she asks with disbelief.
“Yes.”
“What did Evan do?”
“He
said he needed to go out to cool down. I think he was afraid of hurting his brother. He was very angry when he left.” My voice trembles at the recollection. “So angry he crashed his motorbike.”
“That’s how he died?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. That’s tough. I’m sorry, Mom.”
“So am I. More than you can ever know.”
“Then my biological father can be Evan or Benjamin.”
“That’s right.”
“When did Dad come into the picture?”
“We got together two days after Evan’s death. I was very sad, and Francois was there for me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s not a pretty history. For obvious reasons, both Francois and I tried hard to forget.”
She studies her hands. “I’m sorry for what happened to you.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. Before the divorce, it didn’t seem worth upsetting your life. I’m even sorrier you had to find out the way you did.”
“Dad knew?”
“Yes.”
Her eyes brim with tears. “Who else knows that I was a mistake?”
I cup her cheek. “Oh, honey, you’re not a mistake. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me.”
“Who else except for Dorothy and Dad, Mom?”
“Only Loretta. We were best friends. I confided in no one else.”
She pales. “Do you think she told Jordan?”
“I don’t know, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. I love you, and I’m proud of you. I’ll never give you up for anything.”
“Not even for Brian?”
“We’re not seeing each other, any longer.”
“You broke up with him?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sad?”
“You come first, honey. Always. I love you so much.” I add carefully, “Do you want to talk about Brian and you?”
“I already told Debs and Dad everything. I don’t want to talk about it, anymore.”
“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready.”
“Has Benjamin agreed to a test?”
Thank God she can’t see how every bone in my body is rattling. “I wanted to speak to you first.”
Young Enough (The Age Between Us Book 2) Page 15