by Amber Garza
“Well, good morning to you too.” She winked.
“It’s definitely a good morning now.” I smiled.
She wiped at her face with the back of her hand as she made her way back to the driver’s side of her car. I opened the passenger side and slid in. Once Chloe was in, she turned on the engine and pulled away from the curb. Rock music played faintly in the background. It didn’t sound familiar, so it was probably some indie band she liked. Her eclectic taste in music was one of the many things that intrigued me about her.
“You ready for today?” She asked, staring forward as she drove. We passed a few other cars, middle-aged men and women most likely on their way to work. Sometimes it hit me how weird life was. How most people in the world were going about their days oblivious to the horror and tragedy our school had endured just a little over a week ago. There were moments when it felt like life had stopped. Frozen in time. Like the universe had stopped spinning. As if every single person in the world was feeling like I was. But then I’d pass someone on the street and reality would slam into me like a football to the stomach. Their life hadn’t changed. The universe was still spinning. Everyone else was going about their daily routines unaware.
“Yeah, I think so.” Today our school was holding an assembly to discuss the tragedy. But mostly to honor the victims – Ryan and John. I hadn’t even known John, the kid who’d selflessly stepped in and tried to stop Preston. He was a sophomore who played on the basketball team. Both his and Ryan’s jerseys were going to be hung in the gym. They’d asked some friends of Ryan’s and John’s to say a few words. Obviously I was one of the students that they’d chosen to speak on Ryan’s behalf. The principal thought it would help us gain closure. I wasn’t sure there was any such thing.
“You’ll do great.” Her hand left the wheel and rested on my thigh.
I raised an eyebrow. “Don’t touch me like that during the assembly or I’ll forget my whole speech.”
Giggling, she withdrew her hand. Mentally I scolded myself for saying anything. We rode for a few minutes in silence until we pulled into the school. It was weird entering the school parking lot knowing I wouldn’t see Ryan. I still couldn’t walk through the cafeteria without images of Ryan’s lifeless body filling my mind. In fact, I hadn’t eaten in there once since the shooting. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It seemed nowhere was safe from the memories.
The bell was about to ring when we got to school, so we quickly kissed and then dispersed. I hated when the kisses were quick. It was like one tiny sip of water. It only whet my appetite, it didn’t quench my thirst. But I reluctantly left Chloe and headed to first period. On the way, I bumped into Bethany.
“Hey,” I called out.
She whipped her head in my direction, a smile lingering on her lips as if she thought I was about to confess my undying love. That chick had the biggest ego on the planet. It didn’t make any sense how Bethany could be so popular and Chloe was the one that got teased. Beth couldn’t hold a candle to Chloe. Not in looks, not in personality. Not at all. I guess it just proved how backwards things are in high school.
“Leave Chloe alone,” I spoke firmly, hoping she’d understand how serious I was.
Her eyes widened. “What are you talking about? All I’ve done is try to befriend her.”
“That’s a lie. You’ve been messing with her, and it needs to stop.”
Clutching her chest, she appeared offended. But I knew better. It was all an act. “I’ve only been truthful with her. If she can’t take it, that isn’t my problem.”
I fought against the rage surging through my veins. “You’d think after everything that’s happened you would’ve learned to have a little compassion, but I guess that’s asking too much from someone as cold-hearted as you.”
She sighed in exasperation. “If this is about me cheating, I’ve said I was sorry like a million times.”
“This has nothing to do with that,” I snapped. “I don’t care that you cheated on me. All I care about is Chloe, and if you say anything to hurt her again, I’ll make sure you regret it.”
This time the look of shock on her face wasn’t rehearsed at all. It was the most genuine expression I’d ever seen. She recoiled like she’d been slapped. Then without uttering a word, she narrowed her eyes and stalked off.
Satisfied, I slipped into my first period class right as the bell pealed through the air.
CHAPTER 28
Chloe
I sat beside Holden during the assembly, clutching tightly to his hand. It was hard to focus on the principal as he droned on about the tragedy. It was all stuff we’d heard before. How counselors were available to talk to, or there was a group grief counseling we could attend in town. As if that would help. I couldn’t imagine going to something like that. And it made me wonder if anyone at this school was actually contemplating it.
In Holden’s lap were a stack of papers that he explained were the notes for his speech. When his legs shook, they rustled. I squeezed his hand, offering encouragement. It was obvious that he was nervous. I knew he wanted to do this for his friend, but it seemed like an overwhelming task to me. I prayed he’d get through it.
First, one of John’s friends spoke and it made me tear up. John was a hero at fifteen years old. In some ways it was so inspiring, but mostly it was incredibly sad. I’d never understand why any of this had to happen.
When the principal introduced Holden, he stiffened. I gave him a reassuring smile as our hands unlinked. He swallowed hard as he stood. Taking a deep breath, I watched him walk toward the podium. The principal shook his hand and then took a seat behind him. Holden spread out his papers with his one good hand, and then glanced up at the bleachers filled with students. Nerves filled my stomach. I may not have been the one up there, but I felt just as nervous as if I was.
“I was asked to speak about Ryan today,” Holden started, his voice strong and sure. I sat forward, listening intently. “And when I was preparing my speech I came up with so many stories I could share. Like about the first time we met, or all the football games we played together. I thought about the pranks we pulled, the trouble we caused, and the fun we had. But it was that last day of his life that kept coming back to me. The image of his lifeless body. I couldn’t shake it. And I started to get upset. Upset with Preston for taking him from me. And I realized that it’s easy to look at Ryan as the innocent victim and Preston as the evil perpetrator. But Ryan wasn’t innocent. Preston wasn’t innocent. None of us are. All of us played a part in what happened last week. We judge one another based on looks, clothes, popularity. We slap labels on people. We tease and bully. And it’s wrong.”
His gaze found mine from behind the podium, and his lips curved upward. “A couple of months ago I met someone who challenged me to see beyond the labels. Who taught me that people are more than what they seem.” He glanced away from me, his eyes scouring the room. “When you look at me, I know what you see. You see a jock, a macho football player. But I’m more than that. I like to sit in the spa with my girl, or take her to a club to hear those indie bands she likes so much.” My face flamed as everyone’s heads swiveled in my direction. “And sometimes I spend my Saturday night watching chick flicks with my mom.” The entire room erupted in laughter. A grin spread across my face. Holden flashed a deprecating smile. “But don’t tell anyone that.” Laughter erupted once more.
“And when you look at Chloe Martin you see a girl in the band.” I stiffened at the mention of my name. “But she’s more than that.” He stared at me as if I was the only person in the room. “She’s smart and witty. She’s fun and outgoing. And she’s well on her way to getting her name in the Guinness Book of World Records.” Only Holden and I laughed at the inside joke. “She’s an amazing dancer, and she has the most eclectic taste in music of anyone I’ve ever met. And she’s definitely the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
I bit my lip, my body heating up.
“Chloe is the only person at this school wh
o tried to help Preston. She saw beyond his label and befriended him. If we had all done that, maybe last week’s tragedy never would have happened. If you want to honor Ryan’s memory, let’s learn from it. Let’s learn to be open minded and accepting, to treat each other with kindness. Don’t let Ryan’s death be in vain.” Holden nodded, as he gathered up his notes. “Thank you.”
Clapping ensued around me. Holden stepped out from behind the podium as one of the administrators walked toward it, her heels clacking on the floor. He walked swiftly back to the bleachers and then climbed toward me. Students were still clapping, and I knew what he said had struck a chord. He’d done more than honor his friend. He’d made a difference. When he reached me, I stood.
“That was amazing,” I said.
He wrapped his arm around me. “That was me keeping my promise.” His breath tickled my ear.
“Thank you.”
He pecked me swiftly on the cheek. Still a couple of students hooted and hollered at the public display of affection. “You can trust me, Chloe.”
“I know I can.”
We sat as a member of the school staff spoke. For the remainder of the assembly, I mulled over Holden’s words, and I wondered if it was possible for this tragedy to be turned into something good.
After the assembly ended, Holden and I went our separate ways. It sucked that we had no classes together, but at least I’d see him after school. I just had to get through a few boring classes until then. The minute we parted ways, Jasmine and Gianna rushed me.
“Oh, my god, you are totally the new London Miller,” Gianna gushed as she clutched her chest.
I was confused for a second, until I remembered that this wasn’t the first time they’d mentioned the infamous London Miller. Nerdy girl with popular boyfriend – check.
“You and Holden are totally going to ride into the sunset and live happily ever after,” she concluded.
I rolled my eyes. “We’re just dating. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
“C’mon,” Jasmine interjected. “He just told the whole school you were the prettiest, most amazing girl he’d ever met.”
My belly flipped at her words. It had been pretty amazing. I wasn’t expecting him to say all of that publicly. No guy had ever done anything like that for me before.
“Yeah, and you should’ve seen Bethany’s face. She looked like she was going to throw up,” Gianna giggled, clearly enjoying this.
“I don’t get her,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “I mean, she broke up with him. What’s her deal?”
“She’s just one of those girls who isn’t happy unless every guy wants her,” Jasmine explained.
I nodded, completely understanding. I’d known plenty of girls like that.
“I’m happy for you.” Gianna clamped a hand on my shoulder. “You deserve a guy like Holden.”
“Yeah.” Jasmine smiled. “And we’re sorry that we made you feel like he wouldn’t like you. I guess we were both a little bitter about always being called band geeks and stuff.” Her face flushed.
“I understand. I was a little shocked that he liked me too,” I said.
“But you shouldn’t have been. That’s the point. You’re gorgeous and can totally get any guy you want,” Jasmine said.
“So can you two.”
They both appeared skeptical, but nodded anyway.
Gianna’s face darkened. “And we’re sorry about Preston.” She glanced around the hallway at the students milling past. “He always creeped me out, but we should’ve been nicer to him. And we definitely shouldn’t have tried to talk you out of befriending him. Holden’s right. It’s all of our fault that this happened.”
“You can’t blame yourself. It doesn’t do any good. Trust me,” I said. “All we can do now is learn from it and move forward.”
Gianna smiled. “I’m glad you moved here, Chloe.” Jasmine bobbed her head up and down in agreement.
“Me too,” I said honestly. After the shooting, I hadn’t felt that way. In fact, I spent days wishing we’d never moved here. Wishing I’d never had to witness the awful things I did that day. But now I knew that the events of that day made me stronger. And I had friends here. Real friends. People who truly cared about me.
What more could I ask for in this life?
CHAPTER 29
Holden
I knew it would be bad news the minute the name came up on my caller ID. My dad never called out of the blue. Hell, he rarely called when he was supposed to. And I hadn’t heard from him in months. Not even after the shooting. I figured he had to have heard about it. Every single news show across the country had aired it. In the week following, I had expected a text at the very least. But I got nothing. Now two weeks later he was calling. A part of me hoped he was finally calling to check on me. Better late than never, right?
But I should’ve known better.
“Hey, son.” I hated how his voice brought out the little boy in me. As upset as I was with my dad, deep down I longed for him in a way I couldn’t explain.
“Hey,” I attempted to sound nonchalant, so he wouldn’t realize how much I had missed him. How desperately I desired a relationship. I closed my bedroom door even though no one was home. Then I perched on the edge of my bed, pressing the phone to my ear.
“I um…kind of have some news,” he stammered, and it took me aback.
Dad wasn’t the stammering type. He didn’t get nervous. He was always confident and self-assured.
“Good news?” For a split second I thought it was going to be like one of those Lifetime movies my mom watched. That he was going to tell me he had terminal cancer or something. Wouldn’t that be just my luck? Dad would finally want a relationship with me and he’d be dying.
“Yeah,” he said, but it came out sounding more like a question than a statement.
My stomach rolled, and I wished I’d never answered the phone. When would I learn to listen to my gut?
“You remember Arianna, right?”
“Yeah.” How could I forget the woman he’d left my mom for?
“We sort of got married last weekend.”
“Sort of?” I wasn’t sure how you sort of got married. It seemed like the kind of thing you had to do all the way.
“Well, yeah. We eloped. I would’ve told you about it sooner, but it was kind of a last minute decision.”
He would’ve told me about it sooner. Not invited me. No, that was never in the plan. And who the hell made a last-minute decision to get married?
“Um…” I fumbled around in my mind for something to say. “Congratulations.”
“Thanks. She’d been begging me to make an honest woman out of her for awhile, and I figured that if we were going to do it we needed to do it now.”
It was clear there was more to this story. “Why now?”
Silence. My insides clenched.
“Arianna is pregnant. Due any day now.”
“And you’re just now telling me. Isn’t a pregnancy nine months?” In nine months he couldn’t tell me this?
“It just never seemed like the right time, I guess. And I had other things on my mind,” Dad explained like it was no big deal. “We’re having a boy.”
I wasn’t prepared for the jealousy that shot through me like a knife to my heart. He sounded so damn happy about having a son. But yet he had a son sitting right here. A son he’d abandoned years ago and never given the time of day. And now this son would have all his attention and love. It didn’t seem fair. The kid hadn’t even been born yet, and I already hated him. And I hated myself for feeling this way. What kind of person hates an unborn baby?
Realizing that I hadn’t said a word, I forced myself to speak. “I’m um…happy for you. But I gotta go.” Quickly I hung up and flung the phone down on my bed. He hadn’t even bothered to ask how I was. To find out what I’d been up to. I suppose it didn’t shock me. He’d never been interested in me. But it didn’t make it hurt any less.
Angry, I stared out at the window. The sk
y was darkening, stars beginning to appear in the sky. The cool air beckoned me, the night sky calling my name. I needed to get out of here. Get some fresh air. I knew I couldn’t drive, but maybe a walk would do me some good. One thing was certain: I couldn’t sit in here and mope all night.
The minute I stepped outside a cool breeze whisked over my skin. I inhaled the crisp night air, allowing it to fill my lungs. The scent of wet grass and asphalt lingered, reminding me of evenings spent outside with Ryan. When we were younger we’d ride bikes or skateboards out in the street. The ache of missing him spread through my chest, making it difficult to breathe. If he was still alive I’d head over to see him right now. We’d always bonded over our shitty fathers, so I knew he’d understand what I was going through right now. It’s not like we’d have a heart-to-heart or anything like that. Those weren’t really our style. If my arm were better we’d probably just throw the football. But since that would be impossible tonight he’d let me talk shit about my dad and he’d make some lame jokes about his. Either way, I’d feel better. Not so alone.
I thought about walking to Chloe’s. She was only about a twenty minute walk away. But I decided against it. I wasn’t sure if we were at the place in our relationship where I should unload this kind of crap on her. Right now she saw me as tough, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to change that quite yet. So if I couldn’t talk to the living, breathing Ryan, I figured I’d go for the next best thing.
And that’s how I ended up in the cemetery.
Ryan’s headstone was easy to find. It was covered in flowers and football memorabilia. I knew the cheerleaders had been coming out here and leaving him things. It was odd since he’d fooled around with almost all of them, and rarely treated them with respect. But now that he was gone they all acted like he had been their favorite person on earth. Death was funny that way. Made you only remember the good.
Shoving a bouquet of flowers out of the way, I lowered myself onto the ground. The grass was a little wet, and it seeped into my pants. But I didn’t care. I’d never been in a cemetery before. Never visited anyone’s grave. I knew my grandpa was buried in a cemetery in Sacramento. My mom used to make trips there to leave flowers on his grave, but I never wanted to join her. Even as a child I knew Grandpa wasn’t really in the ground. I’d like to believe he was in heaven, soaring above the clouds. The thought of him buried beneath the dirt with the worms and insects made my skin crawl. I couldn’t understand why Mom would subject herself to that mental image. Why she would go talk to a stone.