She called upon every ounce of her strength to hold back the surge of tears, and look into his face. She could see into the depths of his eyes, an unfathomable depth, like looking into eternity.
Emma couldn’t believe that after all she'd been through last night with Destry; she still ached to be near Micah. He was perfection, he was warmth and comfort. She wasn’t worthy to be in his presence, she was a bad person.
“I’m fine,” she finally said, but it came out as a whisper.
“You don’t look fine,” Micah stated firmly, “tell me what happened.”
“I don’t think I want to,” Emma muttered.
“I think I could help, if I knew what was wrong.”
“I’m beyond help.”
“You’re never beyond help Emma. Please… tell me,” he said calmly.
Emma wanted to be able to talk to someone, but she was afraid that admitting what she had done might push Micah away too, that he would call interference again and vanish from her life forever.
Emma didn’t want to risk it, she'd already pushed Destry out, and the pain of that was about to crush her into oblivion. If she drove Micah away too, what would she be left with?
“Do you want me to leave?” Micah interrupted Emma's thoughts when she didn’t answer.
“No,” she said quietly. “Actually, I’m afraid that you might leave if I tell you the truth.”
“I won’t leave you Emma. I promised I’d be here when you needed me. There’s nothing you can say or do that could change that.”
“I’m not so sure,” she argued.
“If you don’t want to tell me, I can’t make you. But don’t keep it from me because you fear my reaction. I could never be angry with you Emma, I’m here to help you, it’s in my job description, remember?” Micah smiled softly, and Emma's fears slowly began to subside.
Maybe she could trust him with this. Maybe he was the only one she could trust with it.
“I had to hurt Destry last night,” Emma said with shame.
“And why did you have to do that?” Emma could tell that Micah was trying his best to be objective, but she could hear both guilt and disappointment in his voice.
“Because we want different things,” she said simply.
“That doesn’t sound like something that would hurt him badly enough to cause you this much pain.”
“I had to tell him to stay away from me, that we can’t be together,” Emma finally admitted.
“Why can’t you?”
“Because, I….I mean, I’m …” Emma was suddenly perplexed by his question, and she was beginning to boil inside.
Keeping Destry away was bad enough, and the fact that Micah couldn’t understand any reason for it made her angry.
She wanted to tell him that he was the reason, tell him that she thought he'd made it clear that they were supposed to be together, and in that scenario there was no room for anyone else. Had she misinterpreted what he’d said—destroyed Destry for no reason?
“I don’t understand Emma, I thought you and Destry were getting along. You’ve been spending a lot of time together the last few weeks. I was under the impression that you liked him.”
“I do like him Micah, that’s the problem!” Emma almost shouted the words.
“I don’t see the problem in that,” he said flatly.
“Are you serious?! You don’t see a problem with that?” Emma quickly got to her feet, she was furious, consumed with more anger than she thought she could hold in her entire being.
She was in love with Destry McQuade, and he was in love with her. He believed they were meant to be together, that they had some special bond, and although Emma was trying with her whole being, she couldn’t doubt his belief. He had kissed her and her life had flashed before her eyes, and Destry had been the most important thing in it.
But Emma had been led to believe she had an eternal connection with an angel. That Micah was her actual destiny, and not Destry. She was being true to this belief when she had pushed Destry out of her life for good even though it was cutting her in half, and Micah didn’t see the problem!
“You need to calm down Emma,” Micah said firmly.
“Calm down? You want me to calm down?”
“Yes, I do.”
His stance was firm, and he had his arms folded across his chest, he looked majestic, commanding, and a bit terrifying; closer to a destroying angel in that moment than a guardian angel.
She buried her face in her hands again, trying to get a grip on this inexcusable rage that was consuming her. She should not be behaving this way in front of him. After all, she loved him too. It wasn’t his fault she'd created this mess for herself.
Emma was ashamed. Micah was important to her, and she was constantly driving a wedge between them. She wasn’t going to do it anymore. Micah was her future now—the one she felt obligated to pursue.
“I’m sorry,” Emma said calmly, “I should not have acted that way.”
“You don’t need to be sorry Emma. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”
Micah lowered his gaze to the floor and wouldn’t look at her. Emma had no idea what she had done to upset him so much, and what he could possibly have to apologize for?
“You haven’t done anything wrong Micah. I'm the one who over-reacted. I had a really bad night, but I shouldn’t be taking it out on you,” Emma admitted.
“I have plenty to be sorry for Emma. You have no idea what I’ve done.” Micah finally looked at Emma and she could see the pain in his eyes.
Emma got a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. What had he done? Emma didn’t think it was possible for him to do anything wrong. He was supposed to be perfect.
“What are you talking about Micah?” Emma's voice was trembling now, and she suddenly felt very cold. A shiver ran through her entire body.
“I think it’s time that I tell you something Emma, something that I’ve been keeping from you.”
Chapter 27: CONFESSIONS
“Keeping from me?” A jolt of fear shot through Emma like lightning.
“I didn’t give you the whole truth before,” Micah said hesitantly. “I wasn’t ‘given’ charge over you Emma.”
Emma's forehead creased together in confusion. “I’m still not understanding what you’re getting at. Was I…a mistake or something? Were you supposed to go to someone else?” She could feel the panic rising up in her chest; it felt like it was going to strangle her.
“No Emma, that’s not what I’m saying. If you would let me finish….”
“Fine, then finish! What in the heck are you talking about Micah? You're freaking me out!” Was he trying to find a way to get rid of her? Had she just ruined her life, and hurt someone she loved for no reason?
“I chose you Emma!” Micah blurted out.
Emma stood there in shock, not sure she'd heard him correctly. It couldn’t be true.
“You were not a mistake. I wanted to help you. I needed to be near you. I made a promise.” Micah dropped his beautiful eyes, like he was confessing to a horrible crime.
She still didn’t understand. She could not fathom his meaning. Chose? Angels didn’t choose their charge? This didn’t make any sense at all.
Emma's knees started to feel weak, and she felt like she was going to fall. She grabbed the wall behind her in an attempt to steady herself.
“How can that be Micah? Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Emma felt close to being hysterical. This was an extreme case of information overload. How was she supposed to respond to this kind of a confession?
“I wasn't supposed to interfere with your life. Your free-agency was not supposed to be tampered with.” Micah's voice was heavy with the implications of whatever it was he was trying to say.
“And you think you’re tampering with it?” Emma laughed ruefully. “I’m the one who did this Micah, not you.” Part of her wanted to comfort him, but she didn’t really understand what he was so upset about.
“I don’t know wha
t this means Micah; what exactly are you getting at?” Emma's eyes felt blurry and wet.
“I have tampered with it,” he admitted reluctantly. “I’ve changed things. I shouldn’t have gotten involved. I should have never crossed the line that first time, when I spoke to you. I couldn’t go back after that. I had waited too long to feel some kind of a connection with you again. I tried to take myself out of your world several times, but I couldn’t stay away, you had a pull on me that I couldn’t escape.
"But it was wrong. I took something away from you, Emma. I was never supposed to be a part of your mortal existence. I’ve made a terrible mistake, I put myself into your life, and now I'm ruining it. I need to find a way to fix this, to put things back the way they were supposed to be.”
“Ruining my life? Are you serious? You are my life Micah. I wasn’t even really living before you came. I only existed. I was suffocating. You made me feel alive, like I could finally breathe. Don’t say it was all a mistake. I asked for it, I needed you, I still need you. I crossed the line—me, not you— I chose that. My free-agency is still intact. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Emma felt a tear try to escape the corner of her eye where it had been hiding, but she fought against it. She was not going to cry anymore! That would only make this worse, make her look that much more pathetic.
"The last thing I wanted was for you to get hurt, Emma. I’m sorry you’ve been affected by my poor judgment. I won’t hurt you anymore. I’ll let your life go on as it should have; before I messed it up.”
Was he serious? He thought he could just leave and everything would go back to the way it was before?
“What are you talking about? You know that’s not going to make it better. There is nothing that needs fixing here!” Emma's insides were boiling. Micah was going to just walk away after all of this?
“You have no idea what I’ve done," he said flatly, his beautiful eyes filled with a deep sorrow that Emma couldn't even begin to comprehend. He seemed to be holding something back still, something he didn‘t want Emma to know.
“You can‘t leave me,” Emma blurted out quickly, “I think I… love you,” she spoke the last two words in a whisper. They were forbidden. But any repercussions she would have to suffer later were worth it if Micah would just stay a little longer.
“If you leave me I don’t know how I’ll even function.” Emma's words trailed off, in fear of his reaction to this new revelation she had presented him with. She'd never thought that it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time, but she was and it was ripping her in half.
He was silent and still and perfect; his head was bowed in what appeared to be shame, his beautiful eyes hidden behind his dark lashes. Emma could tell she hadn’t done anything to change his decision with her confession; if anything he looked more confident in his earlier argument that he shouldn’t be here.
Anger began to well up deep inside of her. It felt like a fire burning her, like molten lava about to erupt. Didn’t Micah care that she was hurting? That he was the one hurting her?
All she needed was a little more time to push Destry out of her head, then Micah and her could be together and happy like they'd been before; was that too much to ask of someone who had nothing but time?
She searched Micah's face which appeared to be carved from stone, but could read nothing from his expression.
“Don’t you care at all about any of this?” Emma shouted, balling up her fists in frustration. She was going to lose them both.
Emma felt immediate remorse when she saw Micah's expression twist in pain. She lowered her voice. “Don’t you love me enough to stay, even if it’s just for a little while longer?”
Her voice broke at the disturbing thought. Was this the problem? There was no reciprocation at all of her feelings for him? He didn’t really love her?
“I know I’m not being fair to you,” Emma admitted, grasping at straws now, “but I’m going to figure this all out, I told Destry that it wasn’t going to happen with him and me. I don’t want you to go Micah. Please stay with me just a little longer.” The tears that Emma had been holding back finally broke through, and flowed freely down her face.
Micah's hand suddenly reached out and touched Emma's chest in the exact place where her heart must have been located; she could feel the individual beats against his palm.
“Please don’t cry because of me Emma,” he pleaded. “I don’t want to cause you any more pain. I’ve been so selfish already,” his voice was penetrating, as always and Emma felt a feeling of comfort wash over her almost immediately. She fought it. He wasn’t getting off that easy this time.
“No, it’s my fault. I should have known better than to indulge in this kind of fantasy. You tried to warn me from the beginning that this wasn‘t going to work out that way, but I refused to listen. I’m the selfish one here, not you,” Emma's voice lowered. “I really believed that we were meant to be together; that my life was going to be a fairytale after all. Now you’re just going to leave me here all alone.”
Micah spoke slowly, his voice washing over Emma, calming her entire being. “This has been so much more than a fairytale to me. You have been the most important thing in my existence Emma,” his eyes seared straight into her soul. “Don’t you understand what you are to me? What that means to me?”
“I guess I don’t.” Emma muttered, truly confused.
“It’s more than I ever hoped for. More than I thought was even possible for me.”
“Then what's the problem? Why can’t we just live happily ever after?”
“Emma, don‘t you see...it’s Destry,” Micah said slowly, no trace of emotion in his voice.
When he said that name, an unexpected flood of emotion overtook Emma. She thought that she had made her choice. Micah was too important to just let him go. Emma had been sure that having that knowledge would make it easier for her to finally let Destry go, but now, in this moment of truth, her heart ached at the thought of losing him forever.
She didn’t even know if it was possible for her to remove him from her life anymore. Emma felt deeply connected to him in some way, like they were one soul. How could she choose either one without losing part of herself in the process?
Emma tried to compose her face so that Micah wouldn’t be able to read the pain behind her next question. “What does Destry have to do with this?”
“He has everything to do with this,” Micah said. “I should have told you this from the beginning,” his voice was wary and held a hint of reluctance at what he was about to tell her.
“Told me what?” Emma wondered. What could she have been missing all these months?
“I knew you before, Emma,” Micah spoke these words slowly; letting them sink in.
"I know Micah. You've been with me since I was born..."
“No Emma, we knew each other before this life." Emma felt the confusion that this statement created widen her eyes. She sat there unmoving, her mind and body shutting down from information overload.
"I am not even of the order of Guardian Angels Emma, I am a Power. I wasn't supposed to be assigned to a mortal charge, but I requested that I be your Guardian so that I could remain close to you." Micah looked ashamed at his confession. Emma was numb.
"You were getting ready to come here, and I wasn’t," Micah continued when Emma didn't speak. "I knew that you would forget everything when you left the pre-mortal realm, but I would remember you for eternity. You were afraid, of being alone; of never finding your other half. I couldn’t bear the thought of you being sad. This was the only way that I could stay close, that I could share in your experiences. I had made a promise that I would make sure you found what you were looking for.” Micah's eyes were burning into Emma's, deep inside, like he was willing her to remember some part of this.
Suddenly she remembered her dream. It must have been Micah that had been there with her. He'd been the one she couldn’t bear to leave.
“So we are meant to be together," E
mma mumbled, not being able to fully comprehend what he was confessing. “I don’t understand what that has to do with Destry though?” Emma's heart sped in her chest as she said his name again.
“It wasn’t us Emma. The promise I made was not to you,” a deep sadness washed through these words.
Emma's eyebrows furrowed together and she began to slowly shake her head back and forth. This didn’t make any sense. If it wasn't to her, then who?
“We were friends Emma, just friends. You were in love with someone else, my best friend. He was supposed to stay behind; he was one of the noble Powers too, a member of the Royal Army.”
Emma's knees suddenly felt too weak to hold her up. She crumpled to the ground feeling dazed. Micah wasn’t her true love? How could that be?
“But I knew it wasn’t right,” Micah interrupted her confusion with his velvet voice. “I couldn’t bear to see the pain that he was suffering. I loved him like a brother. There were only a select few of the warrior angels that were lucky enough to be selected to come to earth. The others were under covenant to consecrate their chance for mortality, and stay behind to protect the rest.
"I was one of the chosen few who would become mortal, but he wasn’t going to be allowed to come. He refused to give up on the promises that he had made to you though, he kept trying to find a way around the proclamation that he was obligated to uphold.
I finally came up with a plan that I knew he wouldn’t agree to, but I had to try. I wasn’t sure if it would work, but I was willing to do whatever it took. I would do it for him, and I would do it for you, because it was the right thing to do,” he closed his eyes, lost in his agonized confession.
“I went to the Grand Council, and plead my case. I would stay and take his place, and he would go to earth and become mortal. I finally convinced them that I had a right to give up my free agency and grant it unto another.
He argued with me, of course, refusing to take this precious chance away from me. In the end though, I only had to remind him of the promise that he'd made to you. I knew he would do anything to keep that promise, and I knew he would have done the same for me,” Micah paused, looking deeply into Emma's eyes.
Eternal (Eternal series) Page 23