by Sarra Cannon
“I’ve been out of town for a while,” I say, not bothering to explain where I’ve been or how long I’m planning to stay. “I could really use a job if you’re still hiring.”
“You got any experience?”
I bite my lip and shake my head. “No, but I’m a fast learner.”
She raises an eyebrow and tosses her cigarette down to the pavement. “I bet you are.”
I’m not sure what she means by that or if it’s meant to be a compliment or an insult.
She pushes herself up from the table and turns her back on me, disappearing through the back door. I shake my head and toss the piece of newspaper onto the table. That didn’t exactly go as planned. Maybe getting a job was a stupid idea. People in this town already have an idea of who they think I am. They still see me as some prissy rich girl, but that’s not who I am. Not anymore.
I turn to go when she sticks her head back through the door and yells, “You coming, or what?”
“I thought the interview was over,” I say, completely confused.
“It is,” she says, then smiles. She’s missing a tooth along the top, but her smile is contagious and full of joy. She knows she’s messing with my head and she’s loving every minute of it.
“I don’t get it,” I say.
She laughs, then waves me inside. “Come on in, girl. You’re hired.”
She disappears around the corner again, but leaves the door standing open. I shake my head, then with a smile, I follow her inside.
Chapter Twelve
“Where in God’s name have you been all night?” My mother’s voice is so wound up, I half expect her to start spinning in circles. “I’ve called you five times.”
“I texted you to say I would be gone all day,” I say, not wanting to tell her about the new job. I know she’ll be angry, which is stupid because most parents would be proud of their children for getting a job. My mother will say it’s beneath me to wait tables. And she’ll worry about how it will make her look in town.
That’s all she ever cares about.
“That still doesn’t tell me where you’ve been, young lady.”
Young lady. I’m still a child to her. It’s getting harder and harder to hold my tongue around here.
Instead of talking back to her, I just don’t answer. Instead, I walk past her, up the stairs and into my room. She doesn’t follow me.
I strip my clothes off and toss them onto the floor, then start the shower. I turn it up so it’s really hot. As hot as the dish water at the restaurant, steam billowing up. I need to wash the stink of the food and the smoke from my body and my hair. I need to feel something.
Ever since I got back here, I’ve felt disconnected. At least back in Boston, I knew where I stood. I was used to the routine up there and even though my heart was in chaos ever since Molly Johnson’s face first appeared on the front page of the campus newspaper, at least I had daily access to what was going on.
Here, I am an island.
No one understands me or knows what I’m going through. Everyone thinks I’m the same old Leigh Anne, and the fact that not one person has noticed a difference makes me feel even crazier. How can something so monumental not leave any noticeable scars? How can I walk around feeling raw and bare and not have one friend recognize it?
Today was the first day home where I felt useful instead of lost.
Maria hired me right away, then put me to work washing dishes all night. I barely had two seconds to talk to anyone or even go to the bathroom, but the best part was that I didn’t have any time to think either.
Despite my aching feet, I’m looking forward to going back tomorrow.
When I get out of the shower, my phone is blinking with a new message. I turn it on and see Preston’s number there for the first time in years.
Hey. Really missed you. Party at my place this weekend. 212 Allan Street, apt 4A.
I lay back against my bed, processing. I don’t even know for sure how I’m supposed to feel about Preston. When I left Fairhope the summer after graduation, I thought of him all the time. Catching him with Bailey broke my heart and I was all mixed up about it for months. Sometimes I wondered if I’d made the wrong choice going away to school instead of staying behind and trying to patch things up between us.
Over time, though, it stopped hurting so much. I met new guys at school and started dating again.
Of course, that didn’t have a happy ending, either.
I don’t know what to think now that I’m home. He seemed happy to see me the other night, but if he’s really been dating Bailey this whole time, why is he sending me a message saying how much he’s missed me?
I probably shouldn’t go. It will just confuse things.
On the other hand, all my old friends will be at that party. If I don’t show up, they’re going to wonder why I’m avoiding them. And if I keep avoiding them, eventually they’ll stop calling all together.
If I’m smart, I’ll find some way to slip back into my old life instead of running from it. Become the old Leigh Anne everyone seemed to love so much back then. If I can figure out a way to be like her again, I’ll be safe. I’ll have a future here.
It sounds so easy, but really, it’s the hardest thing in the world.
My phone buzzes again and I see Preston’s number flash on the screen a second time.
Come. Please.
My heart twists. I’m more confused than ever. In some ways, I’m glad to be home again. I want to find a way to fit in and be carefree the way I used to be. In other ways, though, I miss the independence I had in Boston. There, I had my own place and made all my own decisions. I didn’t feel like people were watching and judging my every move.
Right now, I’m not sure who I am anymore or even who I want to be.
The only thing I am sure of is that whatever I decide, I need to be careful. No matter where I go, the road is paved with emotional landmines. All it will take is one wrong step and everything I’ve been holding in for so long will come bursting out of me.
No matter what, that’s the one thing I can’t allow to happen.
Chapter Thirteen
“This your first day?” A short girl with her hair pulled into two uneven pigtails comes to stand beside me.
I set the stack of trays down beside the washing station and wipe my forehead. “Technically, I guess it’s my second day. How could you tell?” I ask. “Surely it can’t have anything to do with the fact that I’ve been stuck back here washing dishes for the past two hours?”
Sweat rolls off my skin and my hands are raw from the heat of the water.
The girl laughs and leans against the large industrial sink. The collar of her white shirt pulls down slightly and I can see part of a tattoo that runs along her collarbone. She’s chewing gum, which I’m pretty sure is against the rules. She doesn’t seem to care.
“This is Maria’s version of a hazing ritual,” she says. “She makes all the new blood wash dishes at first. I think it’s her way of judging someone’s character or something like that.”
She pats me on the back and sets her tray on top of the pile. I hold back a groan.
“Don’t worry,” she says. “Tomorrow night she’ll only make you do an hour of dishes, tops.”
My eyes go wide and the girl giggles like my agony is the funniest thing in the world.
“Don’t look so serious. I’m only joking,” she says. “I’m Jenna, by the way.”
“Leigh Anne.” I don’t offer her my hand because it’s disgusting and wrinkled and covered in pieces of discarded food.
“Maria asked me to train you. Have you ever been a server before?”
I shake my head and wipe my forehead again.
“It’s not that hard,” she says. “It’s all about time management. Once you’ve been out there a few days, you’ll start to get the rhythm of it. Come on, why don’t you take a little break. Do you smoke?”
I glance toward Maria’s closed door. She’s in there with some guy I’m
pretty sure is the owner. “I don’t think I have permission to take a break yet.”
Jenna laughs and grabs my arm, pulling me away from the dishes and out the back door. The sun has gone down and a nice breeze is blowing. I lift my face toward the wind, grateful to be out of the heat of the kitchen for a second.
Jenna pulls a pack of cigarettes from her apron and offers one to me. I wave it off. She shrugs and lights up.
“So where you from?” she asks me as she sits on top of the picnic table.
“Here, actually.” I join her, so glad to be off my swollen feet for a few minutes. Maria’s had me working all day long, cleaning up, reading the employee handbook, washing dishes. I am exhausted and in a weird way, it feels really good.
“How come I’ve never seen you before? The town’s not that big.”
“I graduated a couple years ago and went away to go to college. I just got back,” I say.
“So you’re just home for the summer?”
I’m not sure how to answer that question. “Maybe. My future’s kind of up in the air right now.”
She nods, but doesn’t press me for more information.
“What about you? How long have you been here?”
She takes another drag of her cigarette, then blows the smoke away from me. “I moved here last summer,” she says. “Transferred to FCU from a junior college in Macon. I’ll be a senior this year. I’m so ready to be done with school.”
FCU is Fairhope Coastal University. It’s a small school, but one of the best in the state. “What are you majoring in?”
“Sex and drugs,” she says, totally deadpan. Then, she breaks out in laughter. She throws her cigarette to the ground and stomps it with her boot. “No, seriously though, I don’t do drugs.”
She walks back into the restaurant, then turns and winks before disappearing inside.
A laugh escapes my lips, and it’s one of the first times in a long time that it’s real.
“Wait,” I call after her, feeling impulsive. She stops just inside the door and waits for me to catch up. Thinking of Preston’s party, I ask, “What are you doing Friday night?”
Chapter Fourteen
I park in front of Preston’s apartment building and sit in the car, watching. The parking lot is completely packed.
I’m late. Work was insane tonight. I shadowed Jenna the whole time and I don’t think we stopped for a break for five straight hours. I took a shower when I got off and rushed here as fast as I could. Jenna said she’d meet me here and that she might bring some friends from the restaurant.
It’s almost eleven already and I’ve had two texts from Preston asking if I was still planning on coming.
For a second, I think about driving away. Maybe I will just keep driving until I leave the Fairhope city limits. I could disappear, change my name, start over.
I get out of the car and walk up to the apartment. He’s on the fourth floor and it isn’t hard to find the right place. The door is open and music is thumping. Even my shoes are vibrating.
“Leigh Anne!”
I turn just as a rush of pink hair streaks toward me and slams into me. Summer. She’s drunk and stumbling. Ice cold liquid drips down my back as she hugs me.
“Hey,” I say, hoping she’s drinking something clear. I have to raise my voice for her to hear me over the music and the crowd even though we’re technically still in the hallway. “Sorry I’m late.”
“Hey, bitch, where you been?” A guy with spiked blond hair approaches and holds his hand up to me, waiting for me to reciprocate.
I lift my hand and he squeezes it, then gives me a one-armed hug.
“Hi Mason, what’s up?” Penny's crush and Preston's best friend. For the last year of high school, I hardly ever saw the guy without a drink in his hand. From the looks of it, nothing's changed.
“I’m serious, where in the world have you been hiding? I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“She’s been at school, dumbass,” Summer says, smacking his arm. “She’s home for a month or something.”
“Cool. It’s good to see you,” he says. He glances back inside. “You want a drink?”
I press my lips together. Do I?
“You always were way too serious. It’s not a test question or anything,” he says with a wink. “Just a simple yes or no.”
“Get her one of these,” Summer shouts, pointing at her red cup.
I have no idea what’s in there, but from the way she’s slurring her words and tripping over her own feet, I know it’s strong.
But I don’t say no.
Summer wraps her arm around mine and we squeeze through the packed living room toward the kitchen where Mason is making me some concoction of vodka and rum and juice. He smiles and hands it to me.
“Here you go, Princess,” he says. “You want me to let Preston know you’re here?”
I take a drink and nod, even though I’m not sure I’m ready to see Preston yet.
I figure in this crowd, it could be a while before he finds me anyway.
With our fresh drinks, Summer pulls me out toward the dance floor where we meet up with Penny and Krystal.
They both throw their arms around me and scream with excitement.
“Where the fuck were you?” Penny shouts over the music.
“At work,” I shout back.
Her head flinches back and she squishes her eyebrows together. “What?”
“Work,” I say again.
She shakes her head and looks at me like I’ve lost my damn mind. “Why are you working? I thought you were on summer vacation?”
I shrug and down my entire drink in one shot. I’m so tired of this divide between us. Why does there always have to be all this judgment? Shouldn’t friendships be about just being yourself around each other, no matter what?
At the same time, I know they aren't the ones who are acting strange.
It’s me. I'm the one who's changed.
I throw a glance toward the front door, but there’s no sign of my new friends. Who knows if they’ll even bother to show up?
Tonight, all I really want is to have fun for a change. Let loose and just be a part of the crowd again. I’m tired of feeling so fucking alone. Maybe if I keep drinking, I can forget what happened in Boston long enough to remember who I was before it happened.
Fuck it. Why not?
I see Mason standing in the doorway leading to the kitchen and catch his eye. I hold my empty cup up and point to it. He nods, then turns back toward the kitchen.
I take Summer's drink from her hands and down that one too. She pretends to be pissed, then kisses me on the cheek and laughs. Penny takes my hand and pushes it high into the air with an excited scream I can barely hear over the music.
And just like that, it’s old times again.
Chapter Fifteen
Preston finds me in a sea of drunk college students and I’m well on my way to being one of them. The drink in my hand has been refilled three times, and I have no idea how long I’ve even been here. It has to be well past midnight.
His arm wraps around my waist and before I know it, I’m dancing with him. The music is fast and hot, but we’re going slow, his body pressed against mine. I beg my body to feel something. To find that old attraction to him. To want him again like I used to.
I don’t know why I want to want him. Maybe because life with him was easier. A guy like Preston could protect me and when I was with him, people looked at me like I mattered.
“I’m glad you came,” he says in my ear. His breath is hot and he reeks of whiskey. Even the most expensive whiskey still smells like gasoline when he’s been guzzling it.
“Nice place,” I half-shout over the music, even though there are way too many people here for me to tell what the hell this place looks like. “I’m surprised your parents let you off their leash long enough to get a place of your own.”
He laughs. “I didn’t even bother asking. I just left.”
I smile, but I know he
’s lying. Preston gets his dad’s permission before taking a piss too far from home.
“You look so good, Leigh.” His fingers brush the bare skin at my waist, exploring the space between my tank top and the band of my jeans.
I want to shiver, to burn, but I can’t force myself to feel anything.
“So do you,” I say, pretending I still feel it. I want to feel it.
He buries his face in my hair. “God, I missed you so much.”
I let him pull me close, but my eyes are scanning the crowd behind him. A few people are looking our way, but it’s Bailey’s eyes that are burning into us. I meet her stare and guilt flares through me.
It isn’t fair for me to come back here after all this time and take him back.
But it wasn’t fair for her to fuck him when he was mine, either.
I look away and put my arms around his neck, drawing him closer. The room spins. I close my eyes and concentrate on the familiar form pressed against me. Preston was my first. My first kiss. My first love. My first heartbreak.
His body knows mine better than anyone else.
I expect to feel more for him, but even with the alcohol spinning around inside me, I am numb.
And it makes me want to push some boundaries.
He pulls back just enough to look into my eyes. “Want a private tour?”
Of course, I know what he means by that and I’m surprised he’s moving so fast. Especially since the girl he’s been dating is standing less than twenty feet away. Has it even crossed his mind that he should care about how this makes her feel?
Probably not.
He takes my hand without waiting for a response and guides me toward the back hallway. People greet us with smiles and shouts as we pass. Familiar faces mixed with strange new ones. I play the part of Preston’s girl. It’s a part I played for so long, it comes naturally.
The apartment is much bigger than I expect and the hallway feels endless. Finally, he opens the door to his bedroom and guides me inside. He closes the door and the noise is muffled, leaving a ringing in my ears.