“I don’t need to do that to know that he’s mine!” I protest, not liking where she’s going with this.
“Perhaps you don’t, but you’re not the one struggling with your feelings. He is.”
I stare out the window, heartsick at the fact Mom could be right. “What if I lose him Mom? What if I let him go and he doesn’t realize that? What if he meets someone else?”
She forces my gaze to hers. “If that happens, then it’s not meant to be.” My lower lip wobbles. “I don’t want to upset you, honey, but I think you need to consider the possibility that maybe Dylan isn’t the one for you after all. Maybe there’s a greater love waiting in store for you.” I chew on the inside of my mouth, tears cascading down my cheeks. I hate that I’m a hot mess. That I can’t even think about the prospect of not having Dylan in my life without falling apart. I know I need to be stronger than this, but right now, I can’t summon the strength I need.
Mom wets her lips. “I’ve never told you, or any of your brothers, this before, out of respect for your father, but I think you need to hear this now.”
My curiosity is piqued, and my tears automatically dry up.
“I’ll let him know later that I’ve told you this because there are no secrets between us.” She clasps my hands, and a faraway look ghosts over her face. “I was a lot like you growing up. Most of my friends were boys, and my best friend was a boy who lived four houses up. Mickey was in my life from the time I was a toddler, and we were joined at the hip, a lot like you and Dylan were once you met. I loved him so completely, and he loved me in return. We were fourteen when we became boyfriend and girlfriend, and we were even more inseparable then. We had our whole lives all mapped out, but we didn’t anticipate fate coming between us. Mickey gained a full ride to play ball at the University of Southern California, and the plan was for me to join him, but I didn’t get a scholarship, and my parents couldn’t afford to send me there, so we had no choice but to attend different colleges. He was going to give it all up to come to UD with me, but I wouldn’t hear of it. He had too much talent, and it was too great of an opportunity to pass up. Our relationship was solid, and this was only a temporary setback, or so I thought.”
A shuddering breath passes through her lips. “I still remember how much I missed him at first. How much it hurt. Like a limb had been forcibly ripped from my body.” She smiles sadly. “We talked every day, and we met up any chance we could get, but it was hard.” Her eyes light up. “Then I met your father on campus. It was the start of my sophomore year and his senior year. And it was like fireworks exploded when our eyes met. I knew instantly he was important, and your father told me after he felt the same.”
“Oh my God.” I lean forward on my knees, mesmerized. “What happened with Mickey?”
“I was tortured for months. I told your father I was in a long-term relationship, and he said he respected that, but he didn’t give up pursuing me. We became really good friends, and I knew it was wrong, because I felt the connection between us, and I knew I was falling for him, but I couldn’t stop it, even if I’d wanted to, and I didn’t.”
She looks up at the ceiling, exhaling loudly. Then she drops her head and eyeballs me. “I never believed it was possible to love two men at the same time, but it’s what happened. When you think about it,” she muses, “it’s not really that unbelievable. Why is it society accepts we can love multiple siblings at the same time, love both parents at once, have several friends we love, and yet, it’s not deemed acceptable or believable to love two men, or more, in a romantic way at the same time?”
“I don’t know,” I say, my brow puckering. “I’ve never really thought about it, but when you put it like that, it seems totally plausible.”
She nods. “Well, that’s the situation I found myself in. In love with two amazing men, but I could only choose one to spend my life with.” An anguished look appears on her face. “I wouldn’t wish that decision on my worst enemy,” she whispers. “I was so conflicted, and I knew someone was going to end up hurt. I kept both of them at arm’s length for months, unsure what to do, and then my mom said something profound to me.” She squeezes my hand. “She told me to imagine they died and see which one I could live without.”
“Geez. I always knew Grandma Hudson was nuts, but that’s a bit extreme.”
Mom laughs. “There were no gray areas with your grandma. And she didn’t shy away from speaking her mind. They were two qualities I admired in my mother.” Mom looks nostalgic. It’s been eight years since Grandma passed, and I know she still misses her like crazy. “And she was right. I gave it serious thought, and I realized that I couldn’t live without your father in my life.”
“Wow.”
“I know.” She bobs her head. “I felt so sure it would be Mickey. Because we had been together for years. We knew each other inside and out. We thought we had it all worked out.”
“But you didn’t,” I answer for her.
“No.” Her eyes well up. “I never cheated on him, but when it came to the point where I wanted to progress things with your father, and I knew he was the one, I had to pull on my big girl panties and break things off with Mickey. I hated telling him. Hated breaking his heart. It was the singular most awful conversation of my life, but he’s gone on to great success in his sporting career, and he’s married with two kids, and that helped me get over the protracted sense of guilt I always carried with me.”
“And how do you feel about him now?” I risk asking.
“I’m not betraying your father by telling you this because it’s something he already knows. I cut Mickey Delaney out of my life thirty years ago, but he still owns a piece of my heart. He always will. In the same way I know I still hold a piece of his.”
Her words wrap around my own tormented heart, and intense emotion compresses my chest. I never knew this about my mother. This is the first, and I suspect the last, time she will speak to me about her first love. There are some similarities in our situations, which is a little freaky, but there are lots of unspoken messages in what she has said too.
Silence engulfs us for a bit, and I can only imagine how difficult this trip down memory lane is for Mom, even though I know she loves my dad to bits.
My parents are the perfect example of a wonderful, supportive, loving marriage, and I’ve never doubted their love. My parents are hugely demonstrative with one another, and we grew up surrounded by affection and always knowing how much we were loved. I know how lucky I am to have had that. So many of my school friends came from broken or dysfunctional homes, and, even at a young age, I came to appreciate the love and respect my parents showed for one another and our family life.
Mom clears her throat, squeezing my hands tight. “We’re very proud of you, Gabby. You’re a sweet girl, and you have the biggest heart. Dad and I both know you will be successful in life no matter what you decide. We will always support you, because you’re our daughter and we love you unconditionally.”
“I love you too, Mom,” I croak. My family is big on the “I love yous,” and we’re known for our open affection, but this is deeper, and her words are exactly what I need to hear in this moment.
“So, don’t think this is me telling you what to do. You need to make your own choices in life, and you’re more than equipped to do it. We won’t judge—we’ll support. But I want you to consider the possibility that maybe there is someone else out there for you. Maybe there’s someone else out there for Dylan. Maybe you were meant to have this intense first love, but it was not meant to be your forever love. It doesn’t negate what you two have shared. It doesn’t extinguish the love you will always have in your heart for him.”
She pauses for a minute, composing the right words. “Or maybe you two just need some time apart to evaluate your relationship. Maybe you are destined to be together and everything will work itself out. Just promise me one thing. Promise me that whatever you decide,
you will ensure you are making the right choices for you.” Her eyes bore into mine, and I nod. “Trust and respect are vital in any relationship. If you don’t have that with Dylan anymore, then you don’t have a future. But you still have a past with him. And don’t let what happens from this point on tarnish those memories because they are a big part of who you are.”
A lone tear sneaks out of my eye. Mom’s words slay me. But I need to hear them.
“You may not have a future, but you will always have that past. Don’t let anything or anyone take away those happy memories of your first love.”
Chapter Thirteen
My brother Caleb drops me home later that night. He knows what’s happened, and he offers to listen, but I can’t talk about it anymore, and I’m grateful he lets it go, using the quiet time to try and organize my thoughts. Mom’s advice has been playing on a continual loop in my head, but I’m still undecided.
Dylan mutes the TV and rises to greet me when I arrive back at the condo. With his messy hair, swollen eyes, and scruffy chin, he looks as bad as I feel. We face one another, staring for a few moments, both of us struggling to find the right words. And then we move, like magnets, drawn to one another at the exact same moment in time. We fall into each other’s arms, and we stand there, hugging, just hugging, for a long time. The familiarity of his scent, his body heat, and his touch is equally comforting and painful at the same time. I break away first, not altogether surprised to discover fresh tears covering my face.
I think I’ve cried a river today.
More than I’ve ever cried in the space of a day before.
“I’m sorry,” Dylan croaks.
“I know you are.”
“Don’t leave me.” The anguish in his voice slices through me, constricting my lungs, making breathing difficult.
I choke on a sob. “I can’t talk or think about this anymore tonight, Dylan. I just want to sleep. Can we agree to meet back here tomorrow evening, and we’ll talk it through then.”
He cups my face. “If that’s what you want.”
I nod, moving toward the couch and grabbing the sheets and pillows I left there from Friday night.
“I’ll sleep out here. You take the bed.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”
“Gabby, take the bed,” he snaps, and I flinch.
Tears well in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that.”
My chest visibly rises and falls as I look at him, wondering where the man I love has disappeared to. This short-tempered, lying, cheating version is a pale imitation of the real Dylan.
Suddenly, I’m overcome with sadness.
For him.
I walk out of the room without uttering another word, and I get ready for bed in a kind of daze. Snuggling under the covers, I breathe in Dylan’s scent, curling my body around his pillow, wishing I could go back to a time when everything was perfect.
But I know I can’t.
Dylan is already gone by the time I get up the next morning, and I’m grateful. Although I had a restless night’s sleep, I’m in a clearer state of mind today, and I know what I need to do.
Myndi sticks to my side like glue during the day, especially after I tell her what I’ve decided to do. I speak with Ryan, and he readily agrees.
By the time Dylan arrives back to our apartment, nerves have set in, and I’m on edge. Which is stupid, because I’m not the one in the wrong. It’s not my actions that are forcing me down this path.
I make coffees and we sit down at the dining table, across from one another. Dylan looks at me with forlorn eyes, and his knee taps up and down. Summoning courage, I clear my throat and start speaking. “You have really hurt me, Dylan. In a way I never, ever imagined you could or would. I know, deep down, this is not who you are, but I can’t stand by and watch you shatter my self-confidence and destroy what we have, so I’m going to move out for a while. I think we need some time apart to reconsider our relationship.”
“No, Gabby, please. Don’t do this. I need you.” He reaches across the table for my hand.
“And I need to do this.” I snatch my hand back. “I love you, Dylan. I love you so much it hurts. Doing this is killing me as much as it’s killing you, but I won’t be one of those girls who turns a blind eye, and I won’t live in denial. I expect my boyfriend to be one hundred percent committed and loyal to me. Without exception.”
I finish my coffee and stand. “I suggest you take the time apart to think about whether you can offer me that. If you can’t, then we’re finished for good.” My voice cracks on the last sentence, and the composure I’ve worked so hard to maintain crumples. Looking away, I sob, and that pain in my heart intensifies.
Dylan is crying too, and he looks miserable as he gets up and comes to me. He pulls me into his arms, and I go to him, resting my head on his shoulder and holding him tight as we both cry. “I love you, Gabby. I love you to the ends of time. I’m sorry I’ve done this to us, and I’m going to do everything to make things right again.”
I lift my head, sniffling. “I really hope you mean that, Dylan, and that you stick to it.”
“I will, baby. I will.” He kisses me, and I let him. His kiss is fierce and desperate and a silent plea all at the same time.
The doorbell chimes, and I tear my lips away, drying my tears on the sleeve of my shirt. “That’s Ryan. He’s here for my things.” I open the door and let my brother in.
“You okay?” he asks, carefully inspecting my tear-stained face.
“Yeah. My stuff is in the bedroom.” He kisses the top of my head, glaring menacingly at Dylan before walking out of the room.
Dylan says nothing, watching as Ryan takes my two cases and the small box from our bedroom. I haven’t packed up all my stuff, just enough for a couple weeks. “I’ll follow you down,” I tell Ryan as he loiters in the doorway, waiting for me. “I just want to say goodbye to Dylan.”
“If you’re not out in five minutes, I’ll be back,” he warns, glowering at my boyfriend before he leaves.
Veins pop in Dylan’s arms as he balls his hands into fists, and a muscle ticks in his jaw. I’m instantly on guard. “Where are you moving to, Gabby?” he barks.
“I’m staying with Ryan.”
“Over my dead fucking body are you staying there!”
I plant my hands on my hips. “Excuse me? He’s my brother, and I’ll stay there if I like. You don’t get to dictate this, or anything, right now.”
Dylan’s hard, angry façade slips, replaced with one of sheer panic. He moves toward me. “Baby, please. You can stay here, and I’ll go stay in a hotel. Just don’t go there.”
I shake my head. “This is your condo, Dylan. You own it. I’m not kicking you out of your own place, and I’m not staying here. Not when things are up in the air with us. It wouldn’t feel right.” I need to be away from all reminders of Dylan if I’m to figure out what my head and my heart want. Staying here, where we’ve been so happy, where there are constant reminders of Dylan, would only make things worse.
He starts pacing, and I can almost see his mind churning. “We’re not breaking up, right? This isn’t what this is. We’re just taking some time out, right?”
He looks to me for confirmation, and I nod. “For now.”
Agony is etched across his face, but I won’t retract my words. I don’t know what lies in wait for us around the corner, and I won’t give him false hope. I don’t know if I can get over his betrayal. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t physically slept with another girl—to the best of my knowledge—because making out with someone who isn’t me is still a betrayal. And the fact he let some slut give him a handjob in public disgusts and sickens me every time I think about it.
“If Slater so much as looks at you funny, I will kill him,” he seethes.
I exhale slowly, counting to ten in my head. “For the
last time, Dylan, nothing is going on with Slate, and you really have a nerve making demands on me after what you’ve done. Don’t piss me off.”
“Baby, he wants you.”
I laugh. “You are being ridiculous, and I’m not having this conversation again. I think it’s best if we don’t contact one another. I’ll touch base with you in a couple of weeks, and we can see how we’re feeling then,” I suggest, grabbing my jacket and my purse.
“Gabby!” Dylan rushes to my side, pulling me into his embrace. “Please don’t give up on us. I’m begging you. Please remember how much I love you and everything that we’ve planned.”
“I won’t, Dylan, but I can say the same to you. Don’t do anything else to destroy us. Use this time to try and figure out if I’m truly who you want.”
“I already know that, Gabby.” He clings to me. “Please change your mind. Stay here and we can figure things out. Leaving is like you’ve already decided to give up on us.”
That really annoys me. I shuck out of his arms, working hard to quell my anger. “Don’t you get it? If I stay here, nothing will change. I’m doing this because I love you and because it’s the best way of salvaging our relationship. Don’t make me regret this, Dylan, because there won’t be another chance.”
Chapter Fourteen
“You can take my room,” Ryan says, opening the door to the brownstone he shares with Slater, Austin, and Michael. “Michael had to go home on short notice; his dad isn’t well, so I’ll bunk in his room for now.”
“You sure? I honestly don’t mind sleeping on the couch. You know me—I can sleep just about anywhere.”
Dropping my bags on the floor in the hall, he messes up my hair. “Oh, I know, Tornado. I still remember that time you fell asleep, headfirst, into your dinner.” He chuckles.
“I was three, asshat.” I shoulder bump him.
“It was so cute, in a gross kind of way.”
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