by Tabitha Vohn
***
He was watching her from across the studio. Her hair hung in a soft halo over her milky white shoulders. He could see them in his mind even though now they were covered by a black, cashmere sweater, an intoxicating combination of silk and velvet when he took her in his arms. He remembered the amber smell of her hair as he held her to him last night, her innocence a sick drug that filled his veins with liquid flame -stirred, emberous- when he looked at her. He’d hate her if she didn’t have a good fucking reason for pulling away from him, if she didn’t shutter in the night against his body, if she wasn’t as lust-sick as he was with their whole, fucked-up situation.
He wondered, as he watched her, whether or not possessing her would kill his thirst for her. Would it pass as effortlessly as it had with all the others, the countless others? No, he thought, it wouldn’t. It went much deeper than that. He had felt it six months ago when he saw her walk away, out into that night, beyond his reach. He thought the walls would close in if he didn’t call her back, keep her. He was sickened with the thought of someone else having her. She could only be his. But he loved and hated her for that; this chain she had on him. He would never be free of it.
“Hey, you gonna join us here or what?” James asked.
“Yeah. Commin,” he said.
James was feeling overtly peevish today. Perhaps it was the events of the previous night. Perhaps he was just sick of the whole thing. Perhaps, as he saw him watching her, watching Tabs, like an animal, he wanted to run over himself and swoop her up, tell her baby, you know I’d treat you right; I’d treat you all kinds of right. Forget him, darlin’. Let me help you forget.
“Why don’t you just put a fuckin’ leash on her,” James mumbled. “You can keep a good, firm hold on ‘er then.”
“What the fuck did you say?” he asked, his passion igniting quick as dry brush in summer winds.
“You heard me,” James said.
“Yeah, I heard you,” he said, now in James’ face, forcing him to step back with his pressing gait. “I want to know what you fuckin’ meant by it.”
James threw down the cord he was unraveling. He flicked his long, black hair over his shoulder and stood, defiant.
“I’m just fuckin’ sick of it man. I mean, what are you doin’, huh? What are you doin’? That girl over there, that woman- she’s fuckin’ amazing man. And you treat her like shit.”
“Don’t you tell me how I treat her,” he said, finger pointing in James’ face. “ You don’t know the first, fucking thing about how I treat her.”
“Do you know about the look that she gets in her eyes every time you bring one of your strung-out bitch whores home with you? Do you? Because I fuckin’ do. She looks at you with the adoration of God and you fuck her over, fuckin’ break her heart over and over again.”
“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” he mumbled, turning away.
“I know that’s why she won’t fuckin’ touch you,” James called after him.
His body flash-pivoted and he grabbed James by the neck of his shirt and forced him against the wall.
“Whoa…” one of the other guys said, backing away, “don’t’ get stupid, man.”
“Shut up! Get the hell out,” he said, his rage escaping in huffs as he waited for them to leave. Then, he turned back to James.
“I don’t want to hear another fuckin’ word about her outta your mouth. You got it?”
“Or what?”
He was silent for a moment, still holding James to the wall. Then, he pound his fist against the cinder blocks. He let go of James and backed away.
“She deserves better than you man…you know it,” James said.
He didn’t answer.
“If she were mine…”
“But she’s not, is she? You think she fuckin’ wants you?” he asked. There was a hint of the absurd in his voice.
“I know she doesn’t. And believe me, man- I wish she did. ‘Cause you’ve got somethin’ with her that I don’t think I’ll ever find. It’s like breath and blood with you two. And whatta’ you doin’ with it, man? You’re fucking-it-up.”
He stood motionless, paralyzed by the truth in James’ words.
“You gotta make a decision man, fast,” James continued. “Cause this shit’s getting old. You’re gonna lose her…”