by J. K Harper
Quietly, Jessie corrected, "Grant McMillan. I didn't even know your last name, so he got mine instead."
Shane felt an inexplicable sensation coat him, lacing his voice with more darkness. It felt close to rage, though that wasn't quite it. “If he's mine,” he growled, “his last name is Walker.”
Shit. His bear was freaking out and he still had no clue why.
Jessie stared at him, her blue-gray eyes now more uncertain despite her brave face. Shane's vision abruptly blurred, then blackened a bit at the edges. His bear rampaged through him. Bewilderment and that odd, stunning emotion Shane couldn't quite place blasted through every sense he had. One thing was certain: his bear wanted out. Wanted to explode into being, roar and rage in some sort of maddened fury. Desperately trying to hold himself steady, wondering what the fuck was going on, Shane focused on his breath as he tried to regain some sense of stability.
“Jessie,” he managed to say, wanting to sound normal. In control. But it came out so low, so heavy and contorted by his bear's clawing dominance, that her eyes widened with the one thing he didn't want to see.
Fear.
Even Livy was caught short, staring at Shane with her mouth open. Damn it all. This was useless. His bear was about to literally burst out of him, roaring and growling and demanding to rip something apart. Out of control and aching for battle, the way he'd been his entire life before finally moving to Deep Hollow and settling into a calmer, more quiet life. He couldn't scare the shit out of Jessie like that, letting her see him as a terrified, enraged bear. The barely restrained bear he used to be. He also couldn't let his son witness that.
Instead, he muttered in a savage growl that was no longer completely human, “I'm sorry.”
Desperate to escape before his grizzly took over, he lunged around her and the wide-eyed baby boy, thundered down the steps, and bolted away toward the snow-covered pine trees of the deep mountain forest with the prickly feeling of his shocked, raging bear scraping beneath his skin.
And with the bizarre, unexpected sense of being ripped away from the two most important things in the world.
Chapter 3
Shane paused at the edge of the clearing, lifting his massive snout and sniffing. Was that—? Did he smell—? Oh yeah, he did. Beef stew. Delicious hints of spices, veggies, potatoes. Crisp, fried, buttered russet potatoes if he wasn't mistaken.
Lunch was being served. Just in time. He'd raged around the forest long enough, having his bear-sized crisis. It was time to man up. But starting with a full stomach could only help.
Dropping back to all fours, he loped to the house at the edge of the clearing, shifting from his enormous grizzly form back into human form in the space of a few strides. As he let himself in the back door of the house, he paused to shake his head and entire body to dislodge the last of the snowflakes that covered him from having running too close under a tree branch covered with the stuff. Kicking the door shut behind him, he went to a row of little cubby boxes set into the wall of the mud room. The one marked Shane held an abundance of folded, clean-smelling clothes. Appreciative, he tugged out a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved blue and black checked flannel shirt, pulled them on, and padded barefoot down the hallway, up the few stairs, and into the kitchen of Elodie Walker, matriarch of the local Walker clan.
Also his aunt and the reason he was in Deep Hollow in the first place. She and his uncle knew about his wild past, his old way of life. They were the only ones here who did. They'd been willing to give him a chance to start over, with the slate of his past wiped clean.
She was alone in the kitchen, where two places were set at the large kitchen island. Decorated to the holiday nines with wreaths and tinsel all over the place, it smelled like a giant vat of spiced cider along with the stew. Not turning around from the stove where she ladled the aromatic beef stew into two enormous bowls, she said, "You're right on time. The bread is almost finished baking, I just put the potatoes out, and there are little cherry tartlets that will be ready in about fifteen minutes. Have a seat."
Shane shook his head, grinning as he pulled out one of the stools around the kitchen island. He'd been here for a year and still could hardly get used to having such an abundance of food, love, and consideration at his disposal any time he wanted to walk into this house. "You're amazing, Aunt Elodie. Uncle Oberon hit the jackpot with you. I hope he appreciates that."
Elodie turned around from the stove, carrying a large blue ceramic soup bowl over and setting it onto the place setting in front of him. The smell of her amazing beef stew hit him even harder. He swallowed hard to keep himself from drooling. He might not have grown up with manners, he might've chosen a hardscrabble life until recently, but he wasn't about to be a total cave bear in her house. But she must've somehow been able to sense it. She laughed gently, urging him, "Go on, just tuck in. I'd rather you enjoy it while everything's still hot and fresh."
“Thanks. I'm pretty hungry." He lifted a spoonful of soup to his lips, taking a generous sip and groaning with delight. "No wonder guests like to stay at the lodge again and again," he said after he politely swallowed. "You treat them like kings and queens with every meal you prepare."
Returning with her own bowl of soup, Elodie settled onto her own stool with a pleased smile. "I just like taking care of everyone. Guests, of course. Yes. But especially," and she reached out a gentle hand to pat the back of his hand, "family. When my family needs to be taken care of, I like to give them good, nourishing food."
They ate in companionable silence for a while, although Shane's thoughts turned and rumbled and twisted. Yeah, his Aunt Elodie knew he was going through some shit right now. After seeing Jessie and Grant the other day, Shane had run straight to the woods, changing into his huge brute of a bear in a painful forced shift almost in the middle of Main Street, and stayed out on the mountain all night.
And all the next day.
And all the next night.
Plain and simple, he'd run away from Jessie and the kid, but he'd had to. He'd been so shaken, his bear so ready to blindly slash and burn, he didn't know what else to do in the moment. His old way of being, the way of the cunning street fighter and angry brawler and pure survivalist, emerged so quickly in reflexive self-protection, he hadn't even been able to control his own shift. Just the memory of that made him wince.
At least this morning he'd finally woken up realizing he'd attacked all the trees, tramped all the trails, and picked all the raging mock air fights with fiercely scolding birds that he possibly could. His bear was physically spent and emotionally way more settled. He was also hungry as hell, since he'd not found much to snack on in the wintry woods while he wrestled his demons. Whatever the hell those demons were. But at least he'd finally been able to shift back to human just now.
How Elodie had known to expect him was beyond his understanding, but she seemed to have an uncanny sense about every member of her family, even someone like Shane. He wasn't her direct blood relation, since her husband, Oberon Walker, was Shane's father's brother. But that didn't matter. Somehow, Elodie was attuned to the feelings and needs of the whole Walker family, from her sons to nephews to those even more removed.
Shane shrugged to himself. There was little sense in trying to understand it. For the moment, he was just grateful that he had a delicious meal to help settle him after the mass chaos his life abruptly had become.
"So tell me," Elodie began. She gently folded her hands under her chin.
Despite himself, Shane tensed slightly in anticipation of her question. Instead, she asked, "Is there anything we need to tack onto the supply order for spring? I was going over the budget last night and just want to see where we are with the latest numbers to make sure we're not going over."
Shane relaxed. The Silvertip Lodge, the one his aunt and uncle ran and at which he helped out as a handyman when needed, was gearing up to build several more cabins this spring to be ready for people to stay in by late next summer or early fall. One of Shane's duties had been
to help out with the custom orders, which was why he'd been gone for the past few weeks. He'd traveled to Denver to meet with some of the suppliers they worked with, going over the specifics of what was needed. The lodge was a cozy place, but a top-notch one. They didn't skimp on anything. Exacting attention to detail was something the craftsmen in the city were held to when fulfilling orders that couldn't be taken care of locally. Shane had traveled there to make sure the specifications were clear and the details understood.
He'd stayed at the same hotel where he and Jessie had holed up for three days. Hoping against completely insane hope that somehow, he'd miraculously see her again. Not in his dumbest dreams would he ever have imagined finding her right here in Deep Hollow. Where apparently she'd been while he was back in Denver, thinking about her.
The craziness of it all made his brain hurt.
"We just need a few more things," he answered Elodie, then went on to list them. They casually stayed on that topic for the next little while, all the way through finishing their lunch and diving into the tart little cherry pies straight from the oven served with warm cream.
Frigging delicious.
Finally, empty pie plate pushed away and sipping on his third huge glass of water to help him rehydrate after his snowy rampage through what felt like half of the San Juan Mountains, Shane took a breath. It was time to face reality.
Looking at Elodie, who regarded him back with a serious yet encouraging expression as she waited for him to speak, Shane said in low voice, "What happened is exactly why this won't work."
"Why what won't work?" The words were very gentle. Neither censure nor sharpness underlay them.
"Me. Jessie. I mean, there's a—a kid. I'm a dad, Aunt Elodie." He shook his head at his aunt, feeling that word slap into him again. "Just the thought of it freaked me out so badly my bear wanted to react by ripping something apart. I was furious.” Shame rose in him at the memory. “I was about to shift into my bear right there on Main Street and—and I don't even know what. Go berserk."
"Shane, it was an enormous shock.” She smiled in gentle understanding. “Nobody thinks less of you for having left right then. Everyone knew you would be back to man up about it."
“Everyone except Jessie.” Shame leaked through his words. He shoved his hand through his hair, pressing his head into his palm for a second and closing his eyes. "Any other shifter in this town would be psyched beyond belief to find out he had a kid he didn't know about. But I don't feel excited about it." He opened his eyes again, feeling the bleakness behind them. Even though he had grown up without his aunt's gentle presence in his life, he'd come to trust her so much during the past year, knowing she would never blab his secrets and was always there to provide very wise counsel, that he let his guard down around her more than anyone else in Deep Hollow or Silvertip Ridge. "I'm absolutely terrified."
Her face still soft and understanding, Elodie quietly asked, "Of what?"
During the silence as Shane hesitated before answering, the large grandfather clock in the Walkers' living room boomed out twice, signaling the mid-afternoon time. Jessie and Grant had appeared in Shane's life forty-eight hours earlier. Two days in which his life had been tossed into a blender, turned on high, and shredded completely.
He gave his head a savage shake before answering. "Terrified that I'll be like him."
There was another short pause. They both know what "him" he was talking about. Elodie drew breath to speak, but Shane beat her to it. "Besides, even without that role model of fantastic gentleness in my life," he couldn't help the bitter note at the old hurts that crept into his voice, surprised though he was to hear it since the ugliness of his cubhood was many years back, "I've only been responsible for myself my whole life. Shit, I've never even had a dog. Or a plant. What the hell do I know about taking care of a kid?"
At that, Elodie straightened up. With a precise edge to her tone, she said, "I don't want to ever hear you say that sort of bullshit again."
Whoa. Shane eyeballed his aunt. She wasn't the type to let loose with bad language. Ever.
She narrowed her eyes, which were getting the colorful intensity that meant her bear was scratching at the surface. "You are nothing like him. Don't you dare hide behind that as an excuse to cut yourself down and not live up to your potential. I won't hear of it."
With that, she folded her arms across her ample bosom and gave him a challenging look. Mouth slightly open, for a long moment Shane could only stare back at her. Finally, he muttered, "It's not an excuse. I'm not hiding behind anything."
"You had better not be. Because the Shane I know, the one I've watched create a solid life for himself here over the past year, is much too smart and much too honest to do that."
Shane snorted out an irritated laugh. "I'm honest now, yeah. But for a lot of my life I didn't care about anyone or anything. If I had to lie to save my ass, I did. So I'm capable of it."
Elodie shook her gently silvering ash-blond head. "Everyone is capable of doing the worst possible things depending on what situation they're in. People who say they would never lie, never steal, never do anything bad, are people who've never been tested beyond what they should be. At heart, Shane," and now she softened a bit again, the smile creeping back onto her face, "you're a gentle, kind soul."
"Oh yeah? How do you figure that?" Shane glared down at his hapless pie plate, curling and uncurling his fingers on the table. But his aunt's next words had him snapping his gaze back up to her again.
"Because of who you are now," she said simply, settling back into her chair. Her smile grew broader with every moment. "If deep down you actually were the way you behaved for all those years when you lived without a clan, without family, just scrabbling for survival the best way you could, you would still be like that now. You would have fleeced us all. Lied, stolen, possibly even killed."
She got up and went back to the stove, glancing out the window as a small sheet of snow dropped down the pane in the day's bright sunshine. "Instead, you proved yourself to be a hard worker, a productive member of this community, an extremely valued member of this family, and you never say a bad word about anyone. Except," she turned to look back at him, "about yourself. Stop doing that. You're a father now.”
Her voice sharpened. “One of the most important things you can role model to that adorable little boy is that you value yourself. That way, he's well on his way to growing up as someone who values himself as well."
Shane sat in thunderstruck silence as Elodie got two cheerful mugs out of the cupboard and ladled some of the spiced cider into each of them. Along with her uncanny ability to sense when anyone she cared about needed some nurturing, she also had a highly developed ability to see right into people and note their true character. She was an excellent judge of others, even without knowing them very well. She also said things like they were. Elodie Walker would never blow smoke up his ass.
Well, hell. That blew his ideas about himself as a big, badass bear shifter. Thoroughly disgusted with himself, Shane snarled. His aunt just laughed. "You knew when you came to me that I would listen to you, but I'd also give you brutal honesty."
"True that." Shane unclenched his curled fingers and drummed them instead. "I guess I've just been so busy working here." He spoke slowly, articulating his thoughts even as he spoke them. "I wasn't paying much attention to anything outside the day to day. That's what you're saying, right? That it's possible for us to change."
Elodie turned back around with two steaming mugs. She placed one in front of Shane and settled back onto her stool with her own mug cradled between her hands. To his surprise, she shook her head.
"I believe that it's not so much that people change, as that they actually become more of who they really are,” she said. “They get closer to their true self as they learn that trust exists in this world. As they realize they don't need to look at life like it's a constant battle."
She shrugged as she blew on her drink to cool it. "People's true selves will show when
given a chance to. And they always come back to that true self eventually. No matter what."
Shane frowned. "What if that just means that my time here hasn't been long enough for my true self to show up again? Now that Jessie and Grant are here, maybe it means I'm just gonna go back to being an asshole. Just like my dad."
"I don't believe that.” Elodie took a thoughtful sip of her drink. “I think you know the right thing to do. Because," she eyed him carefully, "you really do want to go see them, don't you?"
"Yeah.” His voice was gruff. His bear thumped around inside him, somewhat agitated. It still made Shane nervous. “I don't know what the hell to say to her, don't know what the hell do with him, but I do want to see them both."
Now his aunt gave him a knowing smile, her eyes soft. "Because you’ve never stopped thinking about her, have you? She was the one that got away."
Shane let the silence stretch again for a long moment between them before he could admit the thing that had been gnawing at him for the past two years. The thing he thought he'd kept hidden from everyone, had never once mentioned, and had tried to forget by enjoying the same mindless hookups that had been a constant part of his life up till meeting Jessie. But they'd all left him cold, and he'd dwindled in the past several months to no contact with women at all.
The only woman he could think of was Jessie. He'd been stupidly desperate to find her again. Only her. Apparently, it sure as hell was some sort of fucking Christmas miracle that she and his son had shown up right here in Deep Hollow.
Looking back at his aunt, he held her eyes as he said what might've been the truest statement of his entire life. "You're right. I've never forgotten Jessie. I've never been able to stop thinking about her. So why is it that now she's here, I'm," he paused before shoving the word out, "afraid to see her again?"
Elodie smiled with such compassion and understanding, Shane felt it smack his heart. Leaning forward again to touch him, this time covering part of his big hand with her own, she gently said, "Oh, my sweet little boy.”