Elizabeth stopped rattling the crib and stared some more.
“It’s me, your mommy,” Jessica said softly.
Elizabeth didn’t seem alarmed, only curious.
“You sure are a pretty girl.” Moving slowly, Jessica propped herself up on one elbow. “Do you remember me at all?”
A flicker of worry settled in the blue eyes.
“It’s okay.” Jessica kept her voice low and soothing as she sat up and pushed the covers back. “You’ll get used to me again. “You’ll—”
Elizabeth’s screech of fear froze Jessica’s blood.
“I won’t hurt you, darling,” she pleaded as Elizabeth began to cry. Instinct drove Jessica out of the bed and over to the crib. “Don’t be afraid.” She reached for the baby. “Please don’t be afraid. It’s me. Your mommy.”
With an even louder wail, Elizabeth flung herself backward to escape Jessica’s extended arms and banged her head on the far side of the crib. Then she began to cry in earnest.
“Oh, no.” Jessica released the latch on the railing and leaned over. “Oh, sweetheart! Please let me—”
“I’ll get her.” Matty hurried into the room and over to the crib, lifting a squalling Elizabeth out of the crib and out of Jessica’s reach, as if she were a menace.
Jessica knew Matty didn’t mean to make it seem that way, but it did, anyway. Tears streamed down her cheeks. “She hit her head,” she said. “P-please check her and m-make sure she’s okay.” The fact that she couldn’t comfort her own child was the worst pain she’d ever endured. “I didn’t mean to scare her. I didn’t mean to.”
“Of course you didn’t.” Matty ran her hand over the back of Elizabeth’s head. “And she’s fine. There, there, little one.” Matty held the baby against her shoulder and rubbed her back. “Easy does it. You’re fine.”
“What happened?” Sebastian appeared in the doorway, fastening his jeans.
“I—” Jessica found she didn’t have the power to tell him. Her throat was closed with grief and shame. Her baby didn’t want her.
Then Nat came up behind Sebastian. He, too, was wearing only a pair of jeans. “Is everybody okay?”
“I think Elizabeth got a little spooked, seeing Jessica for the first time,” Sebastian said.
“She’ll be okay,” Matty murmured as she continued to stroke the baby. “We’ll have to ease into it, that’s all.”
“Oh, Jess.” Nat’s eyes clouded. “I’m sorry.”
She was more than sorry. She was destroyed. And she couldn’t stand to be in the room a minute longer. She managed to choke out an excuse that she needed to go to the bathroom. Then she pushed past everyone, went into the bathroom across the hall and shut the door.
Once there, she grabbed a towel and buried her face in it while she sobbed. Elizabeth didn’t want her anymore.
Eventually the tears slowed, although she didn’t think the pain in her heart would ever go away. She’d lost her baby. Because of that horrible man who was after her, she’d lost Elizabeth. She was ready to search him out and kill him with her bare hands. He’d robbed her of her child.
A light tapping on the door was followed by Nat’s voice. “Jess? Can I come in?”
“No.”
“That’s what I get for asking,” he muttered, opening the door.
She turned away and made herself busy hanging the towel on the rack and making sure it was aligned perfectly. “I don’t know what ever happened to the concept of privacy,” she said in a voice still thick with tears.
He came in and closed the door behind him. “You don’t need privacy right now.” He took her by the shoulders, eased her around and wrapped her in his arms, tucking her head against his chest.
She was too weak to resist. “How do you know I don’t?” Her words were muffled against his shirt. Apparently he’d taken the time to put one on before coming to see about her. She appreciated that. As needy as she felt right now, his bare chest against her cheek might cause her to do something unwise.
“I know because I saw the look on your face when you ran in here to hide. You only think you need privacy. What you really need is somebody to hold you.”
He was absolutely right. Her arms had gone around him automatically, and she was clinging to him like a burr. “And you’re some sort of expert?”
He laid his cheek against the top of her head. “As a matter of fact, I am.”
Come to think of it, he probably was, considering all the times he must have been called upon to comfort grief-stricken people in the refugee camps. His own knowledge of grief was hard-won as a small child.
“I don’t know much about this baby stuff,” he said, “but Matty told me that Elizabeth will get over this, and I figure Matty knows what she’s talking about. She blames herself for setting up the sleeping arrangement that way. She didn’t think about how Elizabeth might react when she woke up and found a str—uh, someone she wasn’t…well, wasn’t used to, in the room.”
“I’m her mother,” Jessica wailed, tightening her grip on him. “And she’s afraid of me.”
“She’ll remember,” Nat said softly, rubbing her back in the same way Matty had rubbed Elizabeth’s.
“Maybe not.” Jessica felt the tears welling up again. “Maybe I’ll have to start all over, and it’ll be as if I adopted her. Oh, Nat, why couldn’t you have come home sooner?”
He groaned. “I wish to God I had. Oh, Jess. It’s going to take me a hundred lifetimes to make it up to you for the pain I’ve caused. And may still cause. Damn it.”
Immediately she regretted making a scapegoat of him. She held him close. “Nat, I shouldn’t have said that. This whole problem is mine. I’m the one who got pregnant. I’m the one who thought I could keep my wealthy background a secret.”
“If we’re passing blame around, I should have walked away from you the minute I laid eyes on you. I knew it, too. But I was weak, and I kidded myself that if we kept everything quiet and sort of contained, it wouldn’t get messy.”
“It’s messy.”
“I’m aware of that. The Exxon Valdez has nothing on us. We could probably qualify for a Superfund.”
She surprised herself by chuckling.
“Now, that’s music to my ears.” He kissed the top of her head. “Any more where that came from?”
She leaned back to gaze up at him and realized her heart no longer felt like a stone in her chest. “You did it.”
“No doubt. Name any crime you want and I’m probably guilty.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” She took his stubbled face in both hands. “Must you always think the worst of yourself? I only meant to say that—”
“Don’t try to whitewash the situation, Jess. Everybody knows that birth control fails sometimes. I made love to you…a lot. I should never have left the country without making sure you were okay. If I’d done that, none of this would have happened.”
“I would still have this creep on my trail.”
He shook his head. “Nope.”
“No?”
“I would have eradicated the guy long before now.”
She sighed. “You’re a good man, Nat.” She continued to cradle his face between her hands. “And thank you for comforting me so well. I do feel better.”
He held her gaze, and the anxiety in his blue eyes cleared. “That’s good.” There was a husky note in his voice as his attention strayed from her face. For the first time he seemed to be taking inventory of the scooped neck of her sleep shirt and the obvious fact that she wore no bra underneath. He swallowed and looked into her eyes again. “Sleep well?”
“No.”
His tightened his grip on her. “Jess—”
“No.” The look in his eyes set off fireworks in her tummy.
“I’m going crazy.”
So was she. She felt her resolve slip a little as heat licked through her. “Nat, we’re in the bathroom, for heaven’s sake.”
“That counter would support you,” he murmured. He cuppe
d her bottom and snugged her up against his erection. “I’m a desperate man, Jess. Give me five minutes. I know we can manage in five minutes. We once did it in four, remember?”
She remembered it all, and those memories weren’t helping keep her strong.
“I need you. Need to be inside you,” he coaxed, seducing her with a rough-edged tone that never failed to arouse her to a frenzy.
And she wanted him there, too. But she shook her head. “Not a good idea,” she said, although her breathing was no longer steady. “Besides, you don’t have birth control.”
He kneaded her bottom through the material of her sleep shirt. “That’s what you think. I guess you’ve forgotten that I was a Boy Scout.”
“You actually have a—”
“I do, and I will. At all times. In case you change your mind.” He gave her one last nudge and released her. “See you at the breakfast table.”
FORTUNATELY FOR NAT, when he left the bathroom no one was in the hallway. He ducked into Sebastian’s office where he’d spent a miserable night longing for Jess and worrying about Elizabeth. After taking a few deep breaths to get his raging hormones under control, he put on his boots, grabbed his jacket and Stetson and left the room.
The living room was empty but he could hear Matty, Sebastian and the baby in the kitchen. He whistled for Fleafarm and got Sadie, Matty’s Great Dane, in the bargain as both dogs trotted out of the kitchen.
“I’m taking the dogs out for a run,” he called, and didn’t wait for an answer before heading out the front door. He needed some time alone before he dealt with that baby again. Or with Jess.
He crossed the front porch and bounded down the steps while the dogs cavorted in front of him like a couple of puppies. Pausing in the circular driveway, he filled his lungs with cool mountain air. Nothing matched the pine-scented air of Colorado.
Damn, but he’d missed this country. And how it loved to show off in October, with cobalt skies and mountains splashed with gold from the stands of aspens turning color. The two white-barked trees Sebastian had planted in his yard beyond the driveway shimmered in the light breeze, the leaves dripping from the branches like coins from a pirate’s treasure.
The dogs glanced back at him as if wondering which direction he planned to take. Nat longed to get a good horse between his thighs and ride until he was saddle-sore. But he hadn’t stopped long enough to ask Sebastian about taking a horse, and he couldn’t presume to do that without asking, even if the answer was sure to be yes.
So he set off toward the trees on foot. He hadn’t been much used to walking before he volunteered to go overseas, but he’d done a lot of it in the refugee camps. Vehicles were in short supply, and if the refugees had owned any horses they probably would have eaten them instead of riding them. Sebastian knew he would never take the basic comforts of his life for granted again.
Fleafarm and Sadie frisked along ahead of him, pausing every now and then to glance back and make sure he was still following. The dogs reminded Sebastian of some other plans he’d made for when he came home. He’d decided to get a dog. But the dog had only been part of the plan.
While living among the refugees, he hadn’t missed his luxury apartment in Denver or his well-run real estate office or dealing with clients. He’d missed spending time at the Rocking D. And although he didn’t want to go into ranching, he wanted to own a piece of land like this, maybe not quite so large, but big enough that he could have a barn, some horses and a dog.
He’d hoped Jess might like that idea, too, because he’d pictured her there with him. Her suggestion of opening a ranch for orphans intrigued him, but he didn’t know if she had any interest in being part of something like that. And there was also the matter of the baby.
This constant, pounding need for Jess made thinking about anything else nearly impossible, though. Nothing was clear to him except that he needed to make love to her. Then maybe he’d be able to consider the other aspects of his life. But obviously she thought he should figure out his life first, and then, depending on what he’d decided, they might be able to make love again.
She wasn’t being unreasonable. Even Sebastian thought her decision not to go to bed with him until he knew his own mind made perfect sense. But neither of them understood that trying to sort through his feelings while he needed Jess so desperately was like trying to learn to cook while the kitchen was on fire.
A jay flew across his path in a flash of blue, and from the cloudless sky above, a hawk cried out as it circled, looking for breakfast. A chipmunk bounded out of Nat’s path and scurried into a hollow log so it wouldn’t be breakfast.
Life was so simple for these creatures, Nat thought. Instinct told them when to hide, when to mate and how to take care of their young. He wondered when, in the evolution of humans, the act of breeding had become so surrounded with land mines.
The breeze blew down from the hillside in front of him. The dogs paused to sniff the air at the same moment Nat saw a movement ahead, up higher in the trees. The dogs barked and headed in that direction. At first Nat thought it might be a deer, but then sunlight glinted off something metal.
“Fleafarm! Sadie! Come!” His stomach lurched. “Come here!” he called again, and fortunately the dogs turned around with great reluctance and started slowly back to him. “Good girls!” He patted his thighs enthusiastically while he kept an eye on the spot where he’d seen movement.
All was still now. Although he had a premonition that wouldn’t quit, logically he didn’t know who was up there. Could be a hunter trespassing on Rocking D land, or a bird-watcher with a pair of binoculars that caught the light of the sun. Or it could be Jess’s stalker. He needed to get the dogs to safety and then alert Sebastian. If they saddled up a couple of horses, they could take a look around.
Once the dogs were with him, he started back toward the house, glancing over his shoulder often to see if he noticed anything more on the hillside. Nothing. If it hadn’t been for the reaction of the dogs when they’d obviously caught the scent of something, he would have wondered if he’d imagined the whole thing.
Then he heard the rumble of a vehicle on the road, and before he reached the driveway, Travis pulled up in his shiny black muscle truck.
Travis hopped down from the cab and gave Nat a grin. “Out for a morning stroll, cowboy? What’s the matter, did you forget how to ride a horse while you were over there?” His grin faded as Nat drew closer. “What’s the problem? Is Lizzy—”
“The baby’s fine. At least she was last time I saw her. I need to get these dogs inside and grab Sebastian. I think I might’ve seen the guy up on that hill. If we saddle the horses and ride up there, we might get lucky.”
“Did he know you saw him?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe. But we have to try.”
“I’m on it. You get Sebastian and I’ll start saddling the horses.” Travis hopped back in his truck and spit gravel as he shot off toward the barn.
NAT HEARD the shower running when he walked in the door. He headed for the kitchen, where he found Sebastian feeding Elizabeth cereal, and Matty measuring coffee into the pot. Nat looked into the baby’s blue eyes and felt his heart get all tangled up in that gaze. Quickly he looked away. He didn’t have time for that now. “Is Jess in the shower?”
Matty glanced up. “Apparently. She hasn’t come into the kitchen, and I’ll bet she’s afraid to. I was wondering if you’d go convince her to—”
“No can do.” Nat looked over at Sebastian. “Our guy may have been up on the hillside just a minute ago. Travis is saddling the horses.”
“Right.” Sebastian put the spoon into the cereal bowl and set it on the table out of Elizabeth’s reach. “Matty, take over here, and set the alarm once I’m out the door.”
Matty was by his side instantly, grabbing his arm. “I don’t think you should go charging up there without a plan.”
“I have a plan. I’m getting my rifle.” He pulled away from her and brushed past Nat as he headed through t
he living room.
“Watch the baby, Nat,” Matty said as she ran after Sebastian. “Listen, cowboy, you can’t just ride up there like the Three Musketeers, you know!”
Sebastian’s voice drifted back as he kept going down the hall toward his bedroom. “Don’t argue with me, Matty. We don’t have time to waste if we want to catch him.”
“He could pick you off!” She charged down the hall after her husband.
Nat glanced over at Elizabeth sitting in her high chair with cereal smeared all over her mouth. She was staring at him with wide eyes. He sure did recognize the color in those eyes. He saw it every morning in the mirror. Then her face scrunched up like someone was squeezing it, and she let out a howl of protest.
“Aw, don’t do that,” Nat said. “Matty will be back soon.”
Elizabeth only cried harder and spit out whatever cereal she’d had in her mouth.
Nat panicked. For all he knew, she might choke or something if she kept crying like that. He could still hear Matty and Sebastian arguing back in the bedroom, and here was this kid who might be in serious danger, and he didn’t have the foggiest idea what to do. “Matty!” he bellowed.
And just like that, Elizabeth stopped crying. But the look on her face was no improvement. She looked petrified. Of him. Nat’s insides twisted as he remembered how he’d felt whenever his father had yelled like that. And here he was, scaring his daughter the same way.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m sorry, baby.”
She gazed at him, and tears quivered on her lower eyelids.
“I won’t yell at you anymore,” he promised, looking into those big blue eyes. Oh, God. She was getting to him. His chest grew tight and his throat felt clogged up. That little face, that tear-streaked, cereal-smeared little face, was getting to him.
“Let’s go.” Sebastian came into the kitchen wearing a jacket and carrying his rifle.
With relief, Nat turned toward Sebastian.
“You are idiots, all of you!” Matty said, coming in behind him. “We should call the sheriff.”
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