by Carey Corp
After an awkward pause he asks, “What time do you leave for school in the morning?” To my inexperienced ears he sounds terse, but I can’t be sure. I’m distracted because he’s staring at my mouth again.
Unclear what he’s really asking, I hesitate, trying to read his expression. But he doesn’t accommodate me by looking up. “Uh, seven fifteen-ish?”
My answer ends in a cough that causes a fresh burst of pain and a resulting gasp that I can’t help. The muscle in his jaw jumps. He’s angry. I wonder at who? And why? Surely, he doesn’t think what happened—back there—is my fault? Even as the thought passes, a small part of me agrees that it is my fault.
And he has every right to be angry. I forgot to watch for the darkness.
“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning, Alexia.” He bites his lip, hesitating. What he’s struggling with is a mystery. Finally, his eyes pierce mine and I’m flooded with the tidal wave of anguish that overflows from his perfect features. “I’m sorry I was late.”
With a fierce frown, he turns and walks away.
I watch Gabriel’s retreating golden form until he’s gone. He doesn’t look back, and I’ve got no idea how I’m supposed to feel about that. Inexplicably I have the urge to cry, whether from sorrow, shock, or happiness, I can’t tell.
What just happened seems impossible, like a dream. I begin to wonder if I’ve hallucinated the whole thing—him. But there’s a spot on my back where the skin still sings from his touch.
Is he really going to be here in the morning?
It’s too much to hope for—to want. Alarmingly, my face cracks and I realize I’m smiling to myself. That’s new. Gabriel nearly makes me forget I’ve just lived through hell. Shaking my head at it all, I go inside the comfortable home that’ll never be mine. But I’m still smiling.
*
Over our take-out dinner of Szechuan shrimp, Kate asks me how my first day was. Unable to remember anything other than Gabriel, I hesitate. But the memory of him is one of the few things that belong to me and I’m reluctant to share it. Instead, I shrug. “Uh, fine, I guess. It was school.”
“Did you make any new friends?”
My face starts to crack. Again, I’m surprised by the involuntary gesture. Tensing my muscles, I duck my head doing my best not to smile. “A few kids have potential.” I’m deliberately vague, but she doesn’t press. She has probably noticed my neck, but she doesn’t ask about that either. She just nods and returns to her dinner.
Kate’s sort of like a perky pixie. Her short platinum hair spikes expensively around her head. She has beautiful, petite features—even her hands and feet are tiny—and the richest, most expressive, chocolate-colored eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re even more penetrating than Derry’s gray-brown ones. Her champagne halo bubbles around her invitingly.
Always smiling, you get the feeling Kate’s a born nurturer. She doesn’t pry, knows when to back off and when to encourage, and always sees the positive. But at the corner of her mouth and in the hidden depths of her eyes, there‘s a grief so profound I can’t comprehend it. Maybe that’s why I feel kind of bad not telling her about Gabriel.
Steven arrives home a few minutes later. His job often requires him to work late, and Kate tells me, because of this, she’s grateful for my company. As he sits, I study his expensive blue suit, his pale green shirt, impeccably matched tie, and daffodil halo. His freshly cut hair’s the color of espresso with subtle gray streaks invading at the temples. He has the appearance of someone important, busy. But his astute hazel eyes really see when he focuses on something or someone. And if you look closely, you can see evidence of laugh lines in the contours of his face.
I’m in the process of passing Steven dumplings when his perceptive eyes focus on something they don’t like. Abruptly his countenance is severe, almost scary. “What happened to your neck, Alex?”
Kate has noticed it as well—the look they exchange is unmistakable.
Instinctively my hands rise to cover the area, to protect my secrets. But touching my neck’s a bad idea because the flesh is too tender. I wince, trying to stifle a gasp and come up with a plausible explanation at the same time.
“A locker,” I lie. “Mine’s low and I ran into the elbow of the guy whose locker’s above mine. It looks worse than it is. Really.”
Another glance is exchanged, and then Steven lets it go. As he settles into eating, he asks all the same questions his wife did earlier. Giving all the same answers, I wait until his curiosity is satisfied before asking to be excused.
In my room, I replay my interaction with Gabriel. All the confusing feelings come back—the fluttering, the trembling, the smiling—especially the smiling. I try to finish my homework, which is minimal being the first day and all, but Gabriel keeps distracting me. My neck throbs and my face aches from smiling.
I sleep like crap.
*
When I wake, the butterflies in my stomach are already rambunctious. Will he be waiting for me? After tossing all night, I’m still uncertain as to whether I want this. Briefly, I consider sneaking out early, just in case he shows. But I’m not a morning person and the extra time I spend on my appearance, for no reason in particular, costs me.
When I burst from the house at seven fifteen, Gabriel’s sitting on the porch steps. He’s even more beautiful—if such a thing’s possible—than the previous day. Without a word, he stands and reaches for my bag, his movements smooth and confident. The look he gives me, as his eyes search mine, is penetrating.
“Ready?” he asks, as if he would completely understand if I said “no.” I bob my head somberly, but in reality, I’m not ready for any of it—returning to school or this boy in front of me. As if knowing my thoughts, he stifles a small frown and shoulders our bags. Again, his hand rests at my back in a gesture so light the only way I can be sure is my skin’s awareness. His touch makes me feel connected—vulnerable. I want to ask him to stop touching me, but I can’t seem to get the words out.
Just seven blocks.
At the corner of Fort Thomas, Gabriel switches sides careful to keep his body between me and the busy street. The gesture is so protective, that I feel instantly comforted by it. But I can’t afford to depend on anyone beside Derry—even someone with a righteous halo and the face of an angel to match.
“Are you all right, Alexia?”
“Fine.” Even as I answer, I feel the frown puckering my features. But Gabriel lets it drop.
As we walk, I sneak sidelong glances at him. Encircling him in a thick ring of gold extending outward in spiky white tips, his halo still makes it seem like he’s backlit by the sun, despite the cloudiness of the morning. Overcome with the urge to gawk at his radiance, I try to distract myself by focusing on the features of the stunning boy inside the ring of goodness. My heart stutters as I admit how breathtakingly gorgeous he is. Even with my new wardrobe and haircut, I feel completely inadequate by his side.
Distracted by his perfection, I don’t notice we are nearing Orchard Avenue until we’re at the corner. Awareness hits me like a sucker punch. Short of breath and in physical pain, I freeze, unable to cross the street, unwilling to get closer to the source of my new nightmares. The pressure of Gabriel’s hand increases. His fingers brush my back in small circular strokes.
I suck air noisily through my nose but can’t seem to take a deep breath. My yogic breathing doesn’t work this time, and terror threatens to overtake me. Gabriel’s warm hand cups my chin, forcing me to focus only on him. “It’s okay, Alexia. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
And I desperately want to believe him.
He moves to the inside of the sidewalk, becoming a buffer between me and the dark memories of that particular street. His head leans close to mine, his breath tickling my neck as he whispers into my ear, “You’re strong. You’re brave. You can do this.” Over and over, like a litany.
Before I can give in to my panic, we’ve moved beyond the corner. But it’s still awful because I’m leaning on Gabriel
, in the literal and figurative senses. The feeling of security’s so huge, such a relief, that I can’t trust it. I can’t depend on him.
“I’m fine,” I lie, pasting a bright smile on my face and stepping away from his warmth. The minute our contact breaks, I feel cold and strangely bereft. “Let’s go.”
Gabriel keeps pace as I charge my way toward school. At the crosswalk, I reach for my bag, which Gabriel surrenders with a barely noticeable amount of reluctance. It’s better if we part company before anyone notices us. After all, my goal is to be invisible, and Gabriel’s about as visible as they come. With his celebrity looks, he couldn’t be inconspicuous if he tried. Something akin to physical pain settles heavily in my chest, as I mentally dismiss him. Crap!
“Thanks, Gabriel. I’ll be fine from here.” With a drop of his hand he nods.
The light changes and I hurry across the street in the middle of a yellow mob of kids, determined not to glance back over my shoulder. My heart twists, as if it misses him already—totally ridiculous since I just met the guy. Walking straight to Algebra, I keep my head down carefully skirting around any dark ones in my way. In the classroom, I sit in the same front seat as the day before. About as far away from Jonah Wilkes as I can get.
A second later Gabriel slips quietly into the second row, one seat from the end. As he adjusts his desk, I realize he’s directly between me and Jonah. He grins, despite my scowl, and the effect he has on me is more powerful than ever. My stomach somersaults while I grip my desk so hard my knuckles whiten. The whole class is focused on him—for he’s too beautiful to be overlooked—chattering excitedly. Out of the side of my mouth I hiss, “What do you think you’re doing?”
He answers me the same way. “Math.”
Girls are twittering about him, using words like hot and doable. As the teacher calls the class to order, I glance over my shoulder and whisper, “You have this class?”
He leans forward causing his sandy-blonde hair to flop over one eye. “I do now,” he whispers back with a conspiratorial wink. Everyone’s staring at him—and me.
Mr. Ramirez clears his throat and I’m out of time to suggest to Gabriel that he sit somewhere else. My face is burning as I sink down in my seat. For the next hour I pay rapt attention to the teacher, but it might as well be Greek. I don’t comprehend a word.
I do learn Gabriel’s last name is Kustosz.
When the bell rings I’m one of the first ones out of my seat, but before I can escape, Gabriel’s at my elbow following me down the hall. Although I'm ignoring him, we’re too close not to be together. I’m hyper aware of his heat, his halo, his amazing woodsy smell. All around us, I hear bits of conversations—kids talking about us—about me. Feeling their scrutiny, I don’t dare look at anything other than my shoes as the humiliation burns in my cheeks. Inspiration flashes and I halt, suddenly.
Pausing to let Gabriel get ahead of me doesn’t work. He stops too, his familiar hand coming to rest against the small of my back. I stare straight ahead, keeping my voice discreet. “What’re you doing?”
His voice is also low—low and amused. “Going to our next class, Alexia.”
Unable to help myself, I turn and glower at him. My response is out of control and louder than I want it to be. “There’s no ‘our’, Gabriel. There’s ‘yours’ and ‘mine’. No ‘us’!” Everyone within earshot is curiously watching, ravenous for gossip
He’s tranquil in the face of my anger, his smiling eyes radiate patience. Looking down at me, he tucks an errant strand of hair behind my ear. His fingertips softly graze my cheek causing me to shiver. Instantly, I feel as fearsome as a fuzzy kitten.
“Maybe there should be.” He stuns me with his easy smile.
Without a word, I make a beeline for French.
In class, Madame Mimi showers an inappropriate amount of attention on Gabriel. She flirts outrageously, giggling and flipping her hair, but I seem to be the only one who notices. I decide to call her Madame Putain. It fits.
On the way to third period, I pretend he doesn’t exist. Only I can feel the searing heat of his hand against my back. When we enter class, he keeps himself between me and Jonah all the way to our seats. Coincidence? I wonder as he sits behind me again, one seat over. Although Jonah’s halo is the deep slate of a stormy ocean, with Gabriel between us, he barely affects me.
Gabriel, on the other hand, I am keenly aware of…every movement, every shift, every breath. For the next hour, I try to concentrate on biology, but all I can think about is chemistry.
After science, I try another tactic and hide in the girls’ bathroom until the bell rings. The space has a cold, institutional feel I find comforting. From inside my stall I stare at the cracked blue floor tiles and read the graffiti that covers the walls. I learn Naomi is a slut. At least in someone’s opinion.
I’ve spent a lot of time hiding in bathrooms.
Not caring if I’m late, I actually consider ditching Government altogether until the Fosters’ concerned faces fill my head. Crap! When I finally emerge into the empty hall, Gabriel’s lounging against the wall, unconcerned. He grins at my unconcealed annoyance, pointing out smugly, “You’re late for Government.”
His smile, I want to slap it off his face…or kiss it away.
Crap! Crap! Crap!
My words—short and clipped to cover my traitorous thoughts—sound angrier than I feel. “If you care so much about punctuality, you should’ve left me.”
That gets the smile off his face. He grips my shoulders firmly but without hurting me. It actually feels sort of nice. “I’m not going to leave you,” he insists.
It feels as if he’s talking about something other than class, something I don’t understand but sense is bigger than I can handle. I grumble, “Even if I ask you nicely?”
As my words sink in, he blinks several times. “Would you do that?”
“What?” My sullen response causes his eyes to widen.
“Ask me to leave you?” There’s surprise with an undercurrent of something I can’t quite identify in his voice. It almost feels like panic, but since we’re practically strangers the emotion makes no sense.
Ducking my head, I avoid the answer with a question of my own. “Even if I did, would you really go?” A red thread-like fiber curls on the ground near my feet. I stare at it while waiting for him to answer, afraid of what he’ll say.
Soft as a feather, his fingers trace my jaw line. Gently, he lifts my head until we’re staring into each other’s eyes. His narrow with the seriousness of our topic. “If you really wanted me to leave, I would.”
I believe him.
The air between us is heavy with his unspoken plea. It hits me that he doesn’t want to be sent away, and I don’t really want him to go—at least not for today. The stark vulnerability of need twists in my stomach. I feel weak and scared, because I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to need anybody.
“Do you, Alexia?”
His words flow over me like a haunting melody causing me to forget the original question. “Do I what?”
“Want me to go?”
Quietly he clears his throat and for the first time he appears uncertain. His eyes continue to hold mine and I’m unable to look away, to protect myself even in that small way as I admit the truth.
“No.”
I tremble slightly as the confession hangs between us. He swallows and I watch the way his throat bobs, the way his jaw muscles flex, the way his lips ripple, and his pupils expand. Movement at the end of the hall breaks the moment. Gabriel sighs, reaching for my bag. “We should get to class.”
Dumbly nodding—which seems to be my typical response when he’s around—I turn away from him, my body feeling shaky and unreliable. It takes all my concentration not to stagger. Anger and guilt tangle in my chest as I try to process what just happened. Then I feel Gabriel’s steady hand settle reassuringly into the small of my back and bite back a growl. “Maybe you shouldn’t touch me.”
Wordlessly he lets his
hand drop, and I nearly take the words back.
At the door to Government, he stops and hands my bag back to me. I pause, confused. “Don’t you have this class?”
His left eyebrow dips as he inquires, “Do you need me to?”
I think for a moment, wondering at his cryptic question before shaking my head. “I guess not.”
“I’ll meet you right here for lunch.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“I insist.”
“Whatever.”
Although he’s waiting for me to go, I hesitate, worried about after lunch. As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think I can face Mr. Creepy on my own. Clearing my throat, I ask, “What about—never mind...”
When he looks at me—a deep, searing stare that shakes me to my core—it’s as if he knows my mind. “This is the only class we have apart. So the bad news is you’re going to have to put up with me the rest of the day and I’m not taking ‘no’ for an answer.”
Relieved and more than a little grateful, I nod. Giving my hand a quick squeeze, he lightly admonishes, “Now get to class. You’re late.”
In that moment, I’m too placated to realize how bizarre it is that he knows our collective schedule. But as I sit in Government, self-loathing sets in. I hate that I’m counting on Gabriel to get me through English. It’d be better to leave—get away from him and from the Fosters before thing become complicated. The only person I can depend on is myself. I know this from experience.
Afterwards, Gabriel’s waiting just like he promised. As we walk to lunch together, amidst stares and whispers, I resign myself to no longer being invisible. But as we enter the cafeteria, I’m ill-prepared for the resulting attention.
First, everything comes to an immediate halt. Noise stops and movement ceases in an almost exaggerated way, reminding me of a poorly-made sitcom. The result is disorienting. My body reacts in fight or flight mode as Gabriel smoothly steers me through the maze of gawking students to an empty table in the back.